Friday humour - June 01, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

It has been another good week of contributions to Friday Humour.  There
must be lots of folks out there with a similar sense of humour as we
always seem to get many jokes/pics/movies sent in by more than one
contributor. Keep em coming :o)


My favourite this week is from Moose.  This is one of those songs that you
just can't resist singing along to :o)
Assumptions Song
 Click here


Now onto the jokes with a truly great collection from Whizzbang, Moose,
Diks, Digi Steve, Zalaga, Allnutts, Muse, Nottingham Smithie and also those
that wish to remain anonymous:


George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you
would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and
a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain be idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share
this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!


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Pregnant
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months. Very worried, the mother goes and buys a pregnancy kit. The test
result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing and crying,
the mother says: "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with
gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life." "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.
If twins are born, they will both receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You root her again."


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Telephone repairman
A Tamworth farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when
it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the
telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.


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These are soooo funny - best ive heard for ages.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream  The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"


LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY , that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'" !


LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

I LOVE Little Tony!!!!!


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Flowers
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ."Don't you have a vase?"


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The Lawn-Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing  scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is the husband.


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A Voice From The Back Pew
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There
was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke
to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the
congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers." To which the congregation in unanimity said, "Amen."


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A groaner or two

BLONDE JOKE
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses .
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which
that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see
through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting
glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on
wire frames."


ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to
the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....
it keeps things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it !" So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on
her desk.
"What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"
The blond replied,,,,,"Two popsicles, and some coffee."


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the
day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the
blonde to work as usual.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. "What's so bad
now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister
and she said that her mom died too!"


SALES PITCH
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center,
and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising
new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to
which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the
induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for
the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor
inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what
the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe
Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of
inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to
Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an
additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary
$200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna
send into combat first?"


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No arms
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the
glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my
handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,
you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is
the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and
there's one in a filling station on the corner."


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Subject: Getting Even

One day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt
sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know
what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the
dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to
hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
in the same building, next door to the vet. The waiting room was full of
people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so
she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!


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Zen for those who take life too seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

23 . Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.

29. If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so i made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

37. Just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.


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Kiwi Joke
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around,
he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being
there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening,
the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm
and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep
started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over
to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective
of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the 
sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, low and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he
slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the
urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the
young woman, cautiously,  and whispered in her ear : "Would you mind
taking the dog for a walk?"


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Jim and Brandy
Jim decided to propose to Brandy, but prior to her acceptance Brandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she
suffered  a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year
old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to  open up and admit that
he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Brandy in the eyes and said. "I too
have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and
I hope you could deal with that once we are married. She said, "Yes I will
marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Brandy and Jim
got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Brandy
off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, holding one another... As Brandy put her hands in Jim's pants,
she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out
what was wrong. She said, You told me your penis was the size of an
infant!" Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"


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LADIES ROOM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his
predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,
WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice
things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom
adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..
The  ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he
knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring
down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."


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The nun's story
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a
few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go
to Iraq ."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but
You have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.


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Irish Joke
Apparently this won best Irish joke of the year in 2006.

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a
bug going round, and it's contagious.
" "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says
it will take the contagious."


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Marriage
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


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How man was created:

God, I have a problem. "
"What's the problem, Eve? "
"I know you created me, provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"And why is that, Eve? "
God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that God?"
"A flawed creature . . . he'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt
and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical needs. He will be witless and revel in childish things like
fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he'll
need your advice to think properly. "
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eye brows, "but what's the
catch, God?"
"Well. . . you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, self admiring. . . so you'll have to
let him believe that I made him first.
And it will have to be our little secret. . . . you know, woman to woman."


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Actual Letter to Proctor & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horsebackriding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts.
But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each
month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call' an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we
endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact,
only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles in to a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The
point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank
out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words*: 'Have a Happy Period.'* Are you
fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march
down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan
to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,
pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'PutDown the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong', or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your
Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop
in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not
for one minute miss your brand of condescending Bullshit. And that's a
promise I will keep... Always.Best,
Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Child Support
When someone puts in for child support, the proper thing to do is find out
who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following
are all replies that women have written on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. Or putting it
another way, Who's your daddy!
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Child A was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and
that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same
to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits
alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper.
Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good
stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to
the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:


"And Tigger?


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Celibacy
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
factors.
Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to
the instructor declare..."It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your Wife's favourite
flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, "Self raising,
isn't it?"
Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now to the visual stuff with items sent in by Muse, Duke of
Barsinov, Stonefish, Burnout, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Cartographer Chris,
Moose and Anonymous of course.


You'll feel much better knowing......
 Click here

Giggles for Senior Citizens
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

And you thought hitting a kangaroo was bad....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Amazing technology from Japan...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

New Technology
 Click here

The Amazing Machine
This machine took more than 13000 hours to build and all components come
from agricultural equipment. Its on its way to the Smithsonian Inst.
 Click here

BOOB READERS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Police-chase-bicyclist- This is Cool
 Click here

Climate change - This is the real proof if you need convincing!
 Click here

International Safety Week
 Click here Click here Click here

Miniature Art
 Click here

Typisch... (bzw. gute Idee)
 Click here

Vegtable Art + Life
 Click here

Micro waving an Egg - scary!!
 Click here

A dirty mind is a joy forever... (bit naughty)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

No Yelling in the house]
 Click here

Emergency room - Alabama Medical Centre]
 Click here

Septic Truck Sign!!
 Click here

Mixup
 Click here

Petrol Laughs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Interesting commercial
 Click here

The Best Blonde Joke Ever (has sound)
 Click here

Trio
 Click here Click here Click here

Legless Parrot
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Glade Plug Ups
 Click here

Cooking With Bacon Grease
The question is: Do you use bacon grease? We were raised on bacon grease as
kids and even into adulthood, but I just threw out my last 2 tablespoons
and will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you
fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat any more.
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a
warning, send this to everyone you care about. It could happen to
you...Please see below
Bacon grease will make your feet small!! Warn everyone!!
 Click here

Awesome jump
 Click here

Traffic letter
 Click here

It seemed like a good idea at the time
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A picture's worth a thousand words!
 Click here

Things that make you say"'HOLY SHIT!"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Strip Poker
 Click here

Mackay Harbour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

New IT course
 Click here

Is This The Best Golf Shot Ever ?
I don't know what all the fuss is about, I do this sort of thing all the
time.
 Click here

New_Passenger_Cabins_in_Aircraft
 Click here

Pig
 Click here

Greensburg Kansas Pictures - What a twister does to farm machinery
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Late for work
 Click here

Subject: For Friday Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
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Use the address management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to contact the
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