Friday humour - May 25, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


As the Howard government wastes another $4.1 million of our money in one
week advertising the proposed changes to its ever so fair WorkChoices
package (don't mention the war - and don't mention "WorkChoices" ever
again it seems) even though no legislation has even gone to the
parliament, here's some funnies to brighten up a cold snap in Melbourne
Town.


This is a frustrating colour test sent in by Burnout.  See how many goes it
takes to get it right.

       Click here


My favourite video this week is from Whizzbang.  It's a funny look at the
new outsourcing ways of the world.

  Click here


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First up a couple from Zalaga of Nottingham

                                        Fifty Quid

Andy gets home late one night and his wife Debbie says, "Where the hell
have you been?"

Andy replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a Fifty quid note tattooed on my prick," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking you twat?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.  "Why on earth would you get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on your
prick?"

"Well",says Andy, "for one I like to watch my money grow. Two once in a
while I like to play with my money. Three I like how money feels in my
hand,
and lastly instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want."


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                                   Doctors Office

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to
answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became
irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say
things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The
Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded
approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!


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Whizzbang sent in this one

                                Don't Lie to Your Mother ...

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's
flatmate,
Simon was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than
met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose
she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU
DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN
HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FUCKING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


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Here's a couple from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                 Three plastic surgeons

Three plastic surgeons were boasting about how clever they were. The first
one claimed that he attended to a suicidal bloke who had jumped from a
flat on the 46th floor and broke every bone in his body and after several
operations using titanium rods, nuts, bolts and washers he managed to get
him fit again, and in the last Olympics he won a gold medal for the
marathon.

The second claimed that he treated a chunk of charcoal fished out of an
horrific house fire and by using the most up to date skin grafting
techniques had salvaged a young lady who had just won a Miss World
competition.

Not to be outdone, the third surgeon claimed that he had been called out to
deal with the victim of a very bad road accident, where all they coud find
was an arsehole and a chewed fingernail. But he persevered and it seems as
if the chap he treated could be our new prime minister by next week!


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                                  Voice from Above

A man hears the voice of God telling him that in order to enter the kingdom
of heaven one day, he needs to give up booze, cigarettes, and sex. He says
he will need time to think about it, and God says he will speak to him
again in one week.

A week later the voice of God asks for his decision.

He says I have given up the booze, and the cigarettes, but the other day my
wife was getting some meat out of the freezer, and I couldn't resist, and
there and then went for it on the spot.

God says they wouldn't approve of that sort of thing in heaven.

The man replies " They weren't too impressed in the supermarket either! "


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The Allnutts Selection

                                  Australian First Aid

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a
few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two
locals
Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!', desperately
shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick
Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."


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                         Calling in sick .... blame the cat

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new
acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter...... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

(Why is it that only the women laugh at this?)


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This D&M submission from Burnout

                                         Fairytale

One day, long, long ago there was this man who surprisingly, was not full
of shit ....

But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day! !!!

The End


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These from The Duke (of Barsinov)

                                     Money for Jam

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to
someone else.  One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her
and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said
NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says,
"Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down."   So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened.
She responded, "The baststard used coins!"


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                                 Fun with the Priest

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:


Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."


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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"


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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."


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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary,
Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


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Here's one from Moose

                                       Poor Bessie

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the
trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting,
real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning
and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her,
and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?


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More from Whizzbang

                         BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50
billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if
you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone else to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?
Ooooh,
looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a
model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started
by St
Peter in 5AD and brought to Australia by midget pilgrim stowaways on the
Endeavour. Fuck 'em!! If you're going to forward something, at least send
me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your
closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90
times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about
what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's
funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about
a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter
he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

PS: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off!


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                                  State of Origin

For those unfortunate souls that follow NSW, you read on at your own risk

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps.
A: They had pictures of NSW players on them. People couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

Q: If you see a NSW fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
A: It could be your bicycle.

Q: What do NSW fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do you have when 100 NSW fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead NSW fan
on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a NSW fan. You
have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the NSW fan - twice.

Q: What's the difference between NSW supporter and a 3 year old?
A: The 3 year old eventually stops whining.

Q: How many male NSW fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven - one to change it, five to moan about and a Manager to say that
if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never
have blown.

Q. What do NSW players and Lava Lamps have in common?
A: Interesting to look at but not very bright!!

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A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court
battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make
a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his
private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy
would prefer to live with.

"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"

"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"

"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your
Father?"


"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you
like to live with?"

"I'd like to live with NSW state of origin team" the boy replied quickly.

"Why on earth would you want to live with the NSW state of origin team?"
replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone!!"

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Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says "Accountants
are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside
them is numbered."

The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is
colour-coded."

The fourth one says, "I prefer NSW fans. They're heartless, spineless,
gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

GO QUEENSLAND


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                                     Alligator Diet

Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned
to the bigger one and said, 'I cain't understand how you kin be so much
bigger
'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't
get it.'

'Well,' said the big 'gator, 'What you been eatin', boy?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small 'gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?'

'Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?'

'Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car
door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and
eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You ain't
getting any real nourishment.' 'See, by the time you get done shakin' the
shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a
briefcase!'


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This weeks AV funnies are from the Castlehill Bookworms, Whizzbang, Trina,
Muse, Biggus, Stonefish, David O, Nottingham Smithie, Diks, Moose, Burnout,
Allnutts, Adam S, Zalaga, and the Duke.

Miraculous staircase
 Click here

Pics of the Week
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

My New Car !
 Click here

A Friend Tipped Me Off To This Scam
 Click here

Is it possible to bite your nose?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Anyone for a beer?
 Click here

Digital editing
 Click here

Logistics at its best
 Click here

The Nuns
 Click here

Great Photos of the Earth.
 Click here

Anyone for a swim??
 Click here

The Differences
 Click here

Did you know ...
 Click here

The Taxi Ride
 Click here

A new angle on Dentistry
 Click here

Forget the handshake
 Click here

Watch this one to the end...
 Click here

THE KISS
She is pregnant, he had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing
her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he
continued to fight the fire.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his
breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte , North Carolina newspaper, notice her in
the distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was
going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her
life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer
snapped this photograph.
 Click here

Universal Sign for Gasoline
 Click here

Beautiful song for all
 Click here

Dead Busy
 Click here

Actual Twister footage from Florida  [ XXX ]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Footpath Assist
 Click here

I see it but I dont believe it!
 Click here

Clever Art
 Click here

Another B & S Ball
 Click here

Football diver
 Click here

Do not get a bad photo taken and let it be posted on the net
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Ever been set up?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Kids ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Remember Daniel and the Great Wall of China on TV
 Click here

Breakdance
 Click here

Cold Snap
 Click here

How has your day been????
 Click here

Don't judge too quickly
 Click here Click here Click here


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More from Zalaga

                                    Baptizing Drunks

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are
you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus my
brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and dunks the drunk in the
water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


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                                Chicken Sandwiches

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how
come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to
grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh no, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the
giblets.


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This from David O

                                   Honeymoon Suite

A Scottish couple decided to go to Lanzarote to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years before.  Because of their hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Scotland and flew to Lanzarote on Friday, and his wife
was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However,
he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Winchester .... a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory
after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email,
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the message,
she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love, I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS .. Sure is freaking hot down here

Regards


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This came from Megazorch Sando

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and
a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or
Dare, and
Naked Twister.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your
ass kicked.

JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!


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More from Allnutts

                           Aussie Football humour

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a
small
Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after
an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan
and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20
lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so
he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to
change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the
pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide
grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back.
But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure
the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling."I
would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the
uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his
two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows
have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5
lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his
breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number
of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German
and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the
strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in
Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in
admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.

"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.


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Another from Burnout

                          How tough are Aussie men?

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the
campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New
Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous, the night
of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says: "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there
es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who
came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close. I grebbed
the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
hends"

Alan from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said: "Well
you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny
trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on
me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off then
sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here
today"

Bruce, the Aussie remained silent............. slowly poking the fire with
his penis.


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A quickie from the CastleHill Bookends

                                          Puzzled

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
cup of tea, and then .."

He said with a deep sigh ...."Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the
box."


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Last one from UK Smithie

                                         QUOTES

How did George W. Bush reformulate the famous phrase John F. Kennedy opened
his presidency with: "Ask not what your country can do for you; Ask what
you can do for your country."

"Ask not what your country can do for you, and uh, ask not what I'm doing
to your country, neither...."

and ...  "Ask not what your country can do for you; that only emboldens the
terrrrists."

Dubya takes on FDR, too:   "The only thing we have to fear is almost
everything!"


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Finally from Dodgy Dave

                 Cutting out the bad guy (well, girl, sort of)

                       Armed cops in Lara Croft bust action
Manchester gun-toting minx scare By Lester Haines Published Thursday 17th
May 2007 09:02 GMT

Those of you thinking of firing up Tomb Raider this morning should be aware
that Lara Croft is currently unavailable - a guest of Manchester's Boys in
Blue after armed officers cornered the gun-toting minx in a suburban living
room.

The house's owner - computer shop owner David Williams - phoned police at
around midnight to report "nuisance phone calls", The Daily Mail reports.
Officers duly made their way to his house in Dukinfield, near
Ashton-under-Lyne, but quickly spotted the silhouette of a gunman in the
front room.

They cordoned off the street, called for armed back-up and, when Williams
failed to answer the front door, piled in mob-handed through the rear
entrance.

In the event, the armed perp put up little resistance, since she was a
life-size representation of Lara Croft which Williams had taken home for
disposal on eBay. He recounted: "It would have been laughable if it hadn't
been so terrifying. One of the police held a gun and yelled, 'Where's the
weapon, where's the weapon?'

"I didn't have a clue what was going on, I assumed they'd got the wrong
house. I couldn't believe it when I realised they'd mistaken a Lara Croft
dummy for someone with a gun."

A spokeswoman for Greater Manchester Police explained that "officers peered
inside after Mr Williams failed to answer his front door". She added that
they "believed they saw a silhouette of a person pointing what appeared to
be a firearm inside the house", and had accordingly followed "correct
procedure" by backing off and calling in armed colleagues.

Williams was arrested at the scene and held for 13 hours. He's now been
bailed on firearms offences and will find out next month if he faces
further action. He says he is "speaking to lawyers about a possible claim
for wrongful arrest".

Lara Croft, meanwhile, remains "impounded as evidence"


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Quotes of the Week:


    "As far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world,
     this administration has been the worst in history."

                                           and

  "I think that the almost undeviating support by Great Britain for
   the ill-advised policies of President Bush in Iraq have been a
   major tragedy for the world."

                                   Jimmy Carter
                                   Former US President     and
                                   Winner of the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize


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[ End friday humour ]

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