Friday humour - May 18, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Greetings all. Herewith another collection from our tireless contributors.
Thanks for your efforts that make FH possible.

This week, instead of some glass half empty editorial, I thought I would
pass on this recommendation by Beth from Scotland.

In the weird and whacky world of Quantum physics.
Like most of the readers of the Friday humour List I rely an the wonderful
jokes to give me a regular boost of endorphins to keep the blues away. But
have you ever wondered just why that works - I mean really works on a
quantum level? Well I've just had a rare delight and treat myself to a
fascinatingly titled DVD called "What the Bleep Do We know?". If you ever
wondered how our emotions control our thoughts and our perception of
reality this brilliantly funny film is for all Friday Humour readers. For
those like me on a tight budget, borrow it, bootleg it if you must, or buy
it on e bay but please do watch it. The producers aim is to get 100 million
people to watch it in order they hope, to shift the paradigm we all live
in. So if you want a more rational, kinder and gentler world this one is
for you and I promise you, you will laugh your socks off at the Polish
Wedding scene.

My favourite for this week is:
A dingo's got my baby!
 Click here
Itís a bit parochial to Oz, but funny if you know the context.

This weeks collection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Beth from Scotland, Beth
from Scotland, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Digi Maria,
Dodgy Dave, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, Zalaga, and of
course, our fervent contingent of anonymi.



At 3 minutes and 4 seconds after 2.00 am on the 5th of June this year the
time and date will be


You needed to know that, didn't you!


Coping with stress

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress management
technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
8. See. You're smiling already.


Star Trek Scotty is missing

Beaming him up was the easy part. The problem was transporting him back to

A search team continues to look for a rocket carrying ashes of the actor
James Doohan, who played Scotty on Star Trek, almost two weeks after it
hurtled to the edge of space from New Mexico.

Remains of the Canadian-born actor, who died two years ago at the age of
85, blasted off from a remote launch site on April 29 carrying a payload
that included the ashes of astronaut Gordon Cooper and several

A spokeswoman for Houston-based Space Services Inc, which organised the
"memorial spaceflight," says the telephone-pole sized rocket descended by
parachute into a rugged area that a search team has repeatedly failed to

"The terrain is very mountainous; it's not somewhere that you can walk or
drive to. My understanding is that it will take some time to get up into
there," Susan Schonfeld said.

"They know the general location, and we have the utmost confidence that
they will recover it."

Schonfeld says the search had been hampered by "horrendous" weather in the
desert state, but expected the Up Aerospace Spaceloft XL craft to be
recovered in coming days.

Doohan played the starship Enterprise's chief engineer Montgomery Scott in
the original 1966-1969 Star Trek television series. He inspired the
legendary catch phrase "Beam me up, Scotty" - even though it was never
actually uttered on the show.

Hundreds of spectators clapped and cheered as his ashes roared aloft along
with those of some 200 other people, including astronaut
Gordon Cooper, who first went into space in 1963 and died in 2004 at age

- Reuters


I will seek

I will seek and find you.
I will take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you sweat until you moan and groan,
I will make you beg for mercy. Beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved.
When I'm finished you will be weak for days

All my love, The Flu, xx


Queen Elizabeth landed in Virginia yesterday to celebrate its four
hundredth anniversary. The colony became successful by selling tobacco to
England, introducing liquor to Indians and importing slaves. No wonder
history teachers only talk about the Pilgrims.


Degrees (Fahrenheit) Activity 60
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
Miami residents turn on the heat.
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
Italian cars don't start.
Water freezes.
You plan your vacation to Australia.
Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further South.
French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
You need jumper cables to get the car going.
American cars don't start.
Alaskans put on T-shirts.
German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.
Cat insists on sleeping in pyjamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.
Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.
Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters.
Your car helps you plan your trip South.
Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move South.
Vikings Fans order hot cocoa at the game.
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and so call the florist to complain. After he had told
the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on
your new location.'


"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard So-So Airline flight 602 from New York to
Punta Cana. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet going  South
over the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you
will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the
port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message."


Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought
up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're the baby of the
"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I had my 38th birthday jest last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me think you should
put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."


The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports like car so she could
zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any
beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their
price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales.
Services are pending...


Judi and Amanpreet have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when
Amanpreet came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the
office home for dinner on Friday.
Judi is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them
Amanpreet explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a
spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying
that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can
bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide
what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only
cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just
double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just
can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?"
"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..." "So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't
you have them?
"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," Amanpreet says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of
flour -- what is the problem?"
"It isn't the ingredients," Judi cries, "it says that the cake must be
baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat
up to 700 degrees!"


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit
on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel. And,
if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.


One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid
dripped into his mouth. Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting, he thought.
Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he
said. "Think I'll have a little more today."
His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. Great stuff!
Think I'll have some more today. And so he did.
A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend that
brake fluid is really great stuff. His friend was now really worried. "You
know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop
drinking that."
"Hey, no problem," he said, ... "I can stop any time."


We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated
ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous
restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could
we pass as urban sophisticates? The maitre d' met us at the door, all
smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cosy
little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our
appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our group, gingerly holding a
fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve. "Madam," he
said, "Your Bounce."


Sounds like bull to me, tricky diplomatic situation to say the least.

LONDON (AFP) - Hindu leaders in Britain warned that if the government
slaughtered a tubercular bull regarded as sacred, it could spark an
international incident.

The bull, named Shambo, is kept at a Hindu temple in Wales and has tested
positive for bovine tuberculosis. Because of an outbreak of the disease in
Britain government regulations say that such animals should be destroyed.
However, Hindu leaders have called on the government to keep the animal
alive and warned that a failure to do so would disrespect the community's
religious beliefs.
"The obvious strength of feeling that exists in the Hindu community
worldwide will remind the officials in charge that they will need to tread
very carefully," a monk, who refers to himself as Brother Alex, at the
Skanda Vale temple in Wales where Shambo lives,
told AFP.
"If they have any intelligence at all, they're going to make some
conciliatory gestures."
He said earlier that if officials "were to come in here and try to
desecrate our temple and take this animal by force it would become a
global issue."
Bulls and cows are sacred in Hindu belief, and when officials delivered a
notice of slaughter to the temple this month, it sparked a peaceful
protest aimed at saving the bull.
More than 4,000 people so far have signed an online petition hosted by the
temple, officially known as the Community of the Many
Names of God, calling for the government to spare the bull.
The Hindu Forum of Britain has said it will organise a peaceful protest
involving hundreds of people forming a human chain around the temple to
protect Shambo, while Brother Alex said that his temple would engage in a
peaceful collective prayer meeting in protest.
Brother Alex said that if Shambo were to be spared, temple officials would
"bend over backwards" to ensure that safety precautions were taken so that
the infection did not spread. At present, Shambo is living in isolation in
a specially constructed shrine.
A spokeswoman for the Welsh Assembly government told AFP that though
members of the administration "fully understand that this can be
distressing for the owners ... these measures are in place to protect
public health and animal health and prevent the further spread of the
"An animal kept by the Community of the Many Names of God has tested
positive, and the case is being dealt with in the usual way.
Every effort will be made to deal with this case as sensitively as
The temple was expecting a visit from the Welsh Assembly government's Chief
Veterinary Officer later on Friday, and Brother Alex said he was hoping for
a resolution soon.


Lesson in in rent payment.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left,
he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and 3 - it was small enough to make me feel
cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
with the following note:

"Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present


Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa,
Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, they
found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that
copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to
posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the
News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.  A slide
presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the
author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? .......What do you see?
What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice ....the things that you do.
And forever is losing .............. a sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ....... the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?   Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes,'re not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am ....... as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .......who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen ...........with wings on his feet,
Dreaming that soon now. ..........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ....... and a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ......... my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ......... with ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ........have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside see ! I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .......... babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ......... my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .......... my wife is now dead.
I look at the future ............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ........young of their own.
And I think of the years...... and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ...... a young guy still dwells,
And now and again battered heart swells.
I remember the joys.............. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and over again.

I think of the years ....all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people and see..
Not a crabby old man.  Look closer....see........ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush
aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day,
be there, too!


Old biker

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

HAND-JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering ," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives
the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."


Rekindling An Old Flame

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge. "Yeah"
I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that
tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to
fuck off.


Texas Cop vs New York Lawyer.

A lawyer runs a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New
York, and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from
Houston. He decides to prove this to himself,
and have some fun a the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration please."
Lawyer says "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
S*&%&*t out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


Never lie to a woman.

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a
week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue
silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did
exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little
tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if
he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....



A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.  The amazed woman  asked if
she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie, so what'll it

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle  East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and
I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It
will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after
being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."


Key Performance indicators for British Police.

British Police Officers have published a dossier of "ludicrous" cases they
claim are the result of Home Office target driven culture of assessing
Police Officers on the job.

The cases include:

A man from Cheshire who was cautioned for being "found in possession of an
egg with intent to throw".

A child in Kent who was arrested after removing a slice of cucumber from a
sandwich and throwing it at another youngster.

A West Midlands woman arrested on her wedding day for criminal damage after
her foot slipped on her accelerator pedal and her vehicle damaged a car
park barrier.

A child from Kent who was arrested for throwing cream buns at a bus.

A 70-year-old Cheshire pensioner who was arrested for criminal damage after
cutting back a neighbour's conifer trees.

An officer in the West Midlands who was told to caution a man for throwing
a glass of water over his girlfriend.

Two children from Manchester who were arrested for being in possession of a
plastic toy pistol.


Prove me wrong!

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with very low intelligence read their
Emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


A real treat - please download this mini DVD and enjoy.
 Click here

Top Gear in Alabama.
 Click here

Splish splash.
 Click here

Where your AU$1.40 a litre goes
 Click here

Imagine living in one of these!
 Click here

Ever been drunk this long?
 Click here

 Click here

Why are the British so much funnier than we?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

My kind of water cooler.
 Click here

A Very Friendly Flipper.
 Click here

When 3G becomes 4G (a tiny bit XXX).
 Click here

Obviously not his time to go.
 Click here

Polish Barbershop.
And they say women aren't smarter than men ...
If they had this place near you how many haircuts would you get a year?
My answer to that is I would be bald very quickly ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Placed at the lobby of the Radisson SAS Hotel in Berlin the 25 meters high
AquaDom is the largest cylindrical aquarium ever built.
Filled with about 900,000 litters of seawater it contains some 2600 fish of
56 species.
Combined with a vast amount of sandblasted glass, the giant AquaDom gives a
transparent-like feeling to the lobby Guests and visitors are able to
travel through the aquarium in a glass-enclosed elevator to reach a
sightseeing point and restaurant under the glass roof.
Two full-time divers are responsible for the care and feeding of the fish
and maintenance of the aquarium.
Some of the interior rooms and suites look out over the atrium, offering
"ocean views" of the AquaDom Construction.
The AquaDom was opened in December 2003. It cost about 12.8 million euros.
The acrylic glass cylinder was constructed by the U.S. company Reynolds
Polymer Technology.
The outside cylinder was manufactured on-site from four pieces; the inside
cylinder for the elevator was delivered in one piece The
Aquadom is the largest acrylic glass cylinder in the world, with a diameter
of over 11 meters  built on a 9 meters tall concrete foundation.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The bed is too low.
 Click here

Why the ABC should keep the car door closed!
 Click here

How Lucky Is This Guy?
 Click here

You might like these.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Pissheads calendar 2007.
 Click here

Colleagues on leave.
 Click here

Life's short...
CHICAGO -  A racy billboard proclaiming "Life's short. Get a divorce"
caused enough of an uproar, city workers stripped it from its downtown
perch after a week.
It wasn't so much about the partially clothed man and woman on the law
firm's ad. It was the phrase that lawyers Corri Fetman and
Kelly Garland chose that drew scores of complaints from neighbours and from
other attorneys who said it reflected poorly on their profession.
A city alderman who lives nearby found a technical reason to jettison the
"I called the building inspector and told him to do his job and he did,"
said Alderman Burton Natarus. "It has nothing to do with content or
anything else. They did not have a permit and they were ordered to take it
Fetman and Garland say they're upset the sign was removed.
"They ripped our billboard down without due process," Fetman said. "We own
that art. I feel violated."
Despite its brief run, the sign apparently was good for business. Since it
went up last week, the two women said calls to their law firm have gone up
 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

Job interview
 Click here

Royal Navy's stealth submarine will rule the oceans.
A new £1.2 billion Royal Navy submarine which from the Channel is able to
detect the QE2 cruise liner leaving New York harbour was unveiled
The Astute, the first attack submarine to be built in almost two decades,
is the "most stealthy in the world" and will put the Navy at the "top of
the premiership", commanders said.
The first of two Astute class nuclear submarines being built by BAE systems
in Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria. At a time when morale is suffering, the
launch next month of the Navy's biggest ever hunter-killer submarine will
also give hope that Service can provide considerable punch anywhere in the
With threats in the next decade more likely to come from Islamic terrorism
the submarine will be able to sit off coasts undetected listening in to
mobile phone conversations.
It also has the ability to insert Special Forces by mini submersibles into
enemy territory where they can direct the boat's deadly
Tomahawk missiles with a range of 1,400 miles.
"It will feel like we have won the premiership when the Astute is handed
over to the Navy. We will become the Manchester United of submarine
nations," Capt Mike Davis-Marks, a submariner for 25 years, told the first
journalists allowed on board the boat yesterday.
Three of the Astute-class boats will be built by BAE Systems for £3.6
billion but the project is £750 million over budget and three years late.
The boat has more than double the armoury of the Trafalgar class it is
replacing, and is able to carry 38 Tomahawk cruise missiles with a range
of 1,400 miles and Spearfish torpedo capable of destroying a warship.
If it could find a way of being self-sufficient in food, the submarine,
theoretically, could remain submerged for 35 years as its nuclear reactor
does not need refuelling and it can produce drinkable water by an onboard
desalination plant.
But life for the 98 crew has only improved to the point that the
submariners have a tiny bunk space each, rather than sharing, and can now
watch films on a plasma television.
The Astute will carry the latest Block 4 Tomahawk smart missile that can
loiter over a target and can be reprogrammed in mid-flight by commanders.
"It can also find out what is going on and report back to op commanders
without anyone knowing we have been there," said Capt
Davis-Marks "Because of its covert nature the politicians like them as you
can up the ante when you want or withdraw without anyone knowing you have
been there."
At 7,200 tonnes the Astute is the biggest British nuclear attack submarine
ever built, although it is half the size of the Trident nuclear submarines
at 16,000 tonnes. It is also extremely quiet for its size, making less
noise than a small whale, and is likely to be detected only by another
British submarine.
It is also the first submarine not to have a conventional periscope.
Instead a fibre optic tube - equipped with infra red and thermal imaging -
pops above the surface for three seconds, does one rotation and then feeds
an image in colour that can be studied at leisure.
The nuclear power plant has the acoustic signature of a torch battery and
is the size of a family car.
The submarine has been built at the BAE systems facility in
Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria, where Navy submarines have been made since
It is due to enter into active service late next year.
I want one.
 Click here

Some Interesting Facts (sure)
 Click here Click here Click here

Tweety and Sylvester.
Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety. (wait for it. It's  worth it)
 Click here

This was  an idiot test. How long did you watch?
0-2  seconds  - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds   - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds  - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes  are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't  breed.
30 sec-1 min  - you probably can't read this anyway. So why  bother?
1-2 min       - the equivalent of the  average house plant
2-5 min       - Good  afternoon  Jessica Simpson 5 min -1 hr   - Dead
people score in this range 1hr plus      - Congratulations. You have a
negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes
his carrot ...
 Click here
Hey, don't blame me. You know Sylvester never catches Tweety.

A Raid On A Drug House (Had A Bit Of Spare Cash Laying Around )
 Click here

Thought for the day
 Click here

Hostage negotiation procedures
 Click here

Time to go out
 Click here


You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.


Something suitably vulgar.

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"



When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Maude was

A couple of months later, Maude also died.

Once in heaven, Maude, anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him.

She run towards him, calling his name: "Joe darling...".

Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was
very clear! "Until death do us part! "


      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

[ End friday humour ]

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