Friday humour - May 11, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

This week there has been a huge influx of funnies with the excellent
quality being maintained.
My favourite one this week is from Burnout - who never fails to keep us
editors amused with his prolific contributions.

Beer service
 Click here


Now onto the jokes with a truly great collection from Stonefish, Burnout,
Moose, Allnutts, Whizzbang, Nottingham Smithie, Duke of Barsinov and also
those that wish to remain anonymous:


Retirement

This letter was found beside a body in a large home near a golf Development
for over 55s ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Please let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Peggy.
When I retired a few years ago,  it became necessary for Peggy to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the lifestyle and health insurance benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I
don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I usually have lunch in the bistro at
the golf club so eating out at night-time for Peggy and me is not
reasonable given our budget strategies. I'm ready for some home-cooked
food when I hit get home.
Back in the 1990s, she used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before
she goes to bed.
Another symptom of Peggy's aging is complaining. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour, but we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). Her backside has been widening for a decade or more now.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard last
Saturday. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of fresh juice and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I 'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if
you just use a little more tact and less negative criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on April 1, 2006, of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Slazenger extra long 128 centimetre Super
Driver II golf club jammed up his arse with barely 12 centimetres of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was, shortly after, arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting
her defence that Jim, somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on
his golf club.


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Maybe the nicest Email ever

I am thankful:

For the wife.
Who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out
with someone else.

For the husband.
Who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not
out at the bars.

For the teenager.
Who is complaining about doing dishes because it means she is at home, not
on the streets.

For the taxes I pay.
Because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party.
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug.
Because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work.
Because it means I am out in the sunshine

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that
need fixing.
Because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government.
Because it means we have freedom of speech..

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot.
Because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with
transportation.

For my huge heating bill.
Because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key.
Because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing.
Because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day.
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours,
Because it means I am alive.

And finally, for too much e-mail
Because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Send this to someone you care about. I just did.
Live well, laugh often, & love with all of your heart!


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3-minute management course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the
next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob .
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  The woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was
Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!  She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Puff!  He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 
They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.
Moral of the story: BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The
dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy (2) Not everyone who gets
you out of sh!t is your friend (3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best
to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.


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THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish
you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see
a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in the Northern
Territory when she saw an elderly Garrowa Aboriginal woman walking on the
side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Garrowa woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with
the old woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got
it for my husband."

The old woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."


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The river

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! God gave him
big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,
having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, 'God, please give me strength
and the tools to cross the river.'    Poof! God gave him a rowboat and
strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour
after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.'    Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked
one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Go Ahead!   Send this to a woman who needs a good laugh and to any man who
can handle it!


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So this can happen!!!

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at
her bedside and said, 'I have something I must tell you about your baby.'
'What's wrong?' the alarmed mother asked.
'Your baby is a hermaphrodite, ' replied the doctor.
'What's that?' she asked.
'It means your baby has both male and female parts.'
'Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!' the woman exclaimed. 'You mean it has
a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often, does it?'


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WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY, ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants The course covers two days, and
topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY
THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming -


Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available


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Construction Worker
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it
himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for
him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to  give a
sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees
(meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement
of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and
started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I 
needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming"


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20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity*
1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2.  Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.
3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want Fries
with that.
4.  Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".
5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7.  Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8.  Don't use any punctuation.
9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.  Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.  Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go".
12.  Sing along at the Opera.
13.  Go to a Poetry Recital.  And ask why the poems don't rhyme?
14.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical Sounds
all day.
15.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16.  Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!  I Won!"
18.  When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run For Your Lives!  They're loose!"
19.  Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
20.  And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity ...
Send this email to someone to make them smile.

Its called ... therapy.


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Letter of the year

A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS...
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
Pension, an arrangement which,  I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account  30 by way of  penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your  bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, 
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From  now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act  for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note that
all copies of his or her medical  history must be countersigned by a
Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial
situation(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing  field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as  follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or  inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion,  involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example,  I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old  woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU
PROUD!!?)


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Drink Driver

Love those Queenslanders!!!
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the
indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken.
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

True story.


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Test For Smart People
This is a test for Smart People. I have determined that you qualify.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT that difficult.  But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:  Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer:  Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:  The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you
do not have a boat.  How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:  You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.  This
tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.


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Chicken Sandwiches
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
 Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the  GIBLETS


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This weeks pics and movies are from Anonymous, Nottingham Smithie, Digi
Maria, Burnout, Stonefish, Allnutts, Digi Steve, Eric in his tree,
Whizzbang, Cartographer Chris, Moose and Muse.


First help desk in history.
 Click here


Deep thoughts by Men Whilst Fishing

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing
quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going
to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better
think it over - women like that are hard to find."
 Click here

No kidding...
 Click here

Helpfulwife
 Click here

Are your parking skills this good ?
 Click here Click here Click here


How To Get Though 2007
Sleep as much as you can...
 Click here
Read books that you enjoy...
 Click here
Play with simple things...
 Click here
Do whatever you want whenever you want...
 Click here
Look for affection when you need it...
 Click here
Get serious once in a while...
 Click here
Forget about diets...
 Click here
Show some affection...
 Click here
Get angry once in a while...
 Click here
Change your look...
 Click here
Be happy, above all, regardless what your challenges may be... Have a great
year!
 Click here
May your troubles be less, your blessings more, and nothing but happiness
comes through God's love each day.


Flying gonzo
 Click here

How real men use Post-It Notes...
 Click here

Hitchhiker
 Click here

Big Freeze
 Click here

Mad Sheep
 Click here

Parrot
 Click here

Best Ad Ever....
 Click here


Computer Problem

I love this one   and its NOT even Queensland.

SUPPORT:   " Hello, technical support how can I help you"
LADY: last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noises at me 
so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started
hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing.

SUPPORT:  I will have a technician come over first thing this morning, just
leave the computer just like it is so they can find the problem and  fix it
or change it out with another computer. Give me your address; phone number
and the technician will be there just as soon as they can.

When the technician got there, the lady showed the technician where the
computer was, said what happened to it; this is what the technician found
wrong. Take a look at the pictures... you won't believe your eyes!!!

And you thought you had computer problems...

IT MUST HAVE BEEN AFTER THE MOUSE!!!
 Click here Click here Click here

Wow hehe
 Click here Click here

Candle In The Wind.
 Click here

Communication.
 Click here


My hat's off to these heroes!
Fire Fighters from the tri-county area joined in a successful effort to
rescue a young Jefferson woman stuck in steel fence. It took several hours
to extract her from her predicament.

Fire Chief Stiffie said, "This was a pretty tough rescue, it took us quite
a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence."

All though the woman's entrapment was never life threatening it did take
careful planning and gentle handling to safely remove her. She was taken
to the Greene County Hospital where she was further examined and then
released.

My hat's off to these heroes!
 Click here


Subject: Exactly what stays in Vegas?
 Click here Click here

Hands-on Commercial
 Click here


Perhaps those seatbelts are there for a reason
 Click here


Read the text before looking at the picture
This little animal really exists.
It is from Africa and is called a naked mole rat
Must be hard going through life looking like a dick with teeth.....
 Click here

The Good Wife's Guide - From Magazine Article 1955
 Click here

Raid on a drug dealers house ... Cash flow problems?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

I finally fixed my PC
 Click here

Pit Bulls are for poofs - Why not get a real man's pet?
 Click here Click here

Don't go swimming in the Congo ( Tiger fish )
 Click here Click here Click here

For a coffee lover like yourself
 Click here

Explain This !
 Click here


New flu leave policy
All Staff
Staff are booking off ill with the slightest of sniffles & this is severely
impacting on our production.
It has been decided that only staff who meet the minimum criteria (picture
attached) will be allowed to leave work.
If you cannot match these symptoms your absence will be treated as unpaid
leave.

Regards

Management   (really gross)
 Click here


JCB Driver wanted - based onsite - good rates of pay
 Click here Click here

Cakes your mom never made you
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Wheel of Fortune NOT FOR KIDS - COULD BE RACIALLY OFFENSIVE!!!
 Click here

Cats
 Click here


Just in case you didn't know
 Click here

Blondes
 Click here
Homer smile   XXXX - a bit naughty... very cheeky!!!
 Click here


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And now back to some more beauties from Anonymous..


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact
a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the
airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft
is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin
during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA"

Here are a few heard from Northwest:
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"


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For all Australian  respondents....
Telstra Phone book

For  anyone contemplating using the Sensis directory service to find out a
telephone number, 1234, DON'T! Sensis, as you may or may not know, is a
subsidiary of Telstra. The 1234 number is replacing the Telstra 12456
directory assistance number, but  this time with outrageous costs
attached: 40c to call the number, then 4c A SECOND!

By  law, Telstra have to provide a FREE directory assistance number,
because they  are still majority owned by the government. They choose
however not to pass this number on to the public.

What's the correct FREE number to call ? 1223

Thumbs up to Telstra for finding a way to charge for a service that is
supposed to be provided for free.

Of  course, feel free to forward this on.


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New element discovered

A major research institution (probably funded by a government subsidy) has
just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Bushcronium". Bushcronium has one neutron,
12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The
symbol for Bushcronium is "W". Bushcronium's mass actually increases over
time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere
and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass".

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element
that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise,
since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Correction: Actually...W is already taken for Tungsten...so... I would
suggest the symbol be "Du" for "Dubya"

The "nucular" reaction alluded to below where Du combines with Foxnewsium
(Fx) when bombarded by a moron beam yields: Du + m (morons) + Fx = DumFx
which is sometimes phonetically pronounced to describe the nature of the
isodope produced.


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And that's all we have this week folks.
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