Friday humour - May 04, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Four years ago George W (Wanker?) Bush stood on the decks of the Abraham
Lincoln for his "Mission Accomplished" speech about his successful mission
of pre-eminently invading Iraq.

After causing hundreds of thousands of deaths and destroying the
infrastructure and quality of life for those left in a civil war he sends
more troops.

It would seem that the whole world wants America and the occupying forces
out of Iraq - including the majority of Americans.  The US Congress have
voted for a mandatory timetable for sending the troops home.

So what does Dubya do?  Vetoes the legislation with a manic determination
not to admit he was wrong and to continue with the bloodshed.

When will this ignorant power-crazed imbecile admit that enough is enough?

Don't hold your breath ...


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First up this week a trio from Allnutts

                                Concerned Granddad

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you
will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business . you gonna have
a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a
bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say
"Times up"?"


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                         The bodybuilder and the blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great
chest you have."

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches
up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
how short the fuse was!


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                                       Culture Proud

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had
the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire"....
and so on and so forth until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is
true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women..."


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And from the Castlehill Bookends

                                        Plastered

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now
almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


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This came from a new contributor who henceforth will be known as Diks - you
could say this is a Dik joke   :)

                                Maria's wedding night

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, Maria was very
nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big
hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy
legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took
off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a foot and a half!"

Her mama said "Stay here and stir the pasta."


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Here's some stufff from Moose

                         INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because
He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call
him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and
nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all
the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next
day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

The moral is... You can't kill two birds with one stone!


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                                          The Kiwi

A kiwi walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, 'Hey bro... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year.'

The Kiwi wide-eyed, says, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker says, 'Yeah, well... you started it.'

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                               X-RATED RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!


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Here's a fewsflash from Nottingham Smithie

   It is understood that Michael Jackson is moving to New Zealand to
   start a new career in yacht racing. He heard that the only penalty
   for touching a buoy was to go back around and try again.


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This stuff came from Whizzbang

                                   John Howard Lies

People go to Google do an Australian search for   "john howard lies"    and
you will be surprised what results you get.


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                                      Aged advert

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a
wanted ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age
group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good
in bed! All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her
dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had
no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to
consider you, are you? Just look at you - you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still
good in bed?" she asked.

With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"


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                                        Why is it?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a
cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Do
you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


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                                   Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not
know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream
guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked
for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her
sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some
thought before you answer, see answer below]

Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a
famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as
a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered
the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my
e-mail list...


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                             You Just Can't Fix Stupid!

Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily
run.

Sixth Place Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said
Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could
not reach him.

It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, DE, as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC
appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms ; A gun shop specializing in
handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired
a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a 50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several
customers who also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced
dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47
expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23
gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No
one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township,
NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite
blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit
the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30
AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured
around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER . .. .. Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
(Paderborn,
Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative
and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up
pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds
of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before
a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens".


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And from Zalaga of Nottingham

                                          Morals

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family is Farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a
story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had
to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."


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A couple from the Great Anon

                                    Council worker

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him

"Have you been in the armed services?

"Yes, I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are
from 8AM to 4PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10AM."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8AM to 4PM then why do
you want me to come in at 10AM?"

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies, "For the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for
that."


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                       These make one wonder !!!!!!!!!!
                    (Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


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This weeks pics come from Diks, Whizzbang, Mad Mick of Marwick, Stonefish,
Zalaga, Muse, Burnout, Moose, Digi Maria, Cartographer Chris, David O,
Nottingham Smithie, Biggus, and Tanberg, Leunig, and Petty of The Age.


Screw You - We're from Texas
 Click here

The golfer
 Click here

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE..??"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.......
"We're down here."
 Click here

Damned
 Click here

"Inpressive"
 Click here

New Harley Motorcycle Models - His And Hers
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New drugs for women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
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BAD DOG!
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Do you really know your theology?
Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
The 1st one was Christ.
The 2nd was the apostle Peter.
Then there was this guy Jose...
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Middle Aged Women Should Stay At Home
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Speed Isn't Everything
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Where bad parents take bad kids...
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Choppers health retreat
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Kiwis
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Valentines from an 8 yr old
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And you thought you'd seen everything
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Parents of the Year 2007
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Tsunami Warning
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AUSTRALIAS NEW IMMIGRATION POLICY
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From sls Future Communications Tech
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Good Birthday Vibrations
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Love Outfit
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More Dubai
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IT'S USUALLY WOMEN THAT DO THIS!
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New Bar [XXX]
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Excel
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Paper Bitz
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Do these jeans make my ass look big?
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Thong Tribute
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Dog Gravity Backscratcher Nan
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QLD Drought
The following pics are from Toowoomba The bird habitat in town and Cooby
Dam outside of Toowoomba.
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Seafood Restaurant
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Turkey test
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Happiness at last for your pooch
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Fifi's funny stuff
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In the News
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Gym Sex Class - Sounds like a Chook House  [XXX - Be warned]
 Click here


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Here's a touchy feely one from David O

                                 Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that
life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment or kissing a
classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that
a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was
awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him,

pass this on;

if not, join the majority and do nothing.


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And from Biggus (aka Fifi)

                                       Just Passing

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, "Can you help
me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replied, "The light was on."


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Another from Allnutts

                                      Fannie Green

A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned;
it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months
since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week
for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall
upon her as she slowly parades up the aisle and sits down in front of the
altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes".


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These from Cartographer Chris

                                          Legless

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms or legs. Three
women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No", So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No",So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
"Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

The woman smiled and said "You will be when the tide comes in."


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                                        Flying High

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to
be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We
have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone
can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to
fly QANTAS for that service."


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Dodgy Dave sent this in

                                       Crime Stars

It's Friday again, and we're looking back on another stellar Week in
OFF/beat Crime. Here are your nominees for the ever-popular Stupidest
Criminal Award.

First up we have Jazrahel King, of Bridgeport, Connecticut, who tried to
trade in a Jeep at the very dealership from which he stole it one month
earlier. According to employees at Wholesalers of America, the 29-year-old
had tried to test-drive vehicles in March, but was turned down because of
bad credit. Then, after trolling around the lot for a while, King jumped
into a Jeep, which had just been purchased by someone else, and drove off.
Employees at the dealership were "left speechless" when he returned and
tried to trade it in.

Next we have Eric Cunningham, of Orlando, Florida, who allegedly robbed an
area gas station with an AK-47. Deputies investigating the scene later
noticed that someone had "left a gun case against a display rack." Inside
the case, they found a receipt for a new AK-47 assault rifle with Eric's
name on it. Police then went to the 18-year-old's apartment where they
found him and, surprise, surprise, a loaded AK-47. In the words of one the
deputies: "obviously, he wasn't a member of the MENSA society."

But the front-runner this week has to be a trio of young men from Dallas,
Texas, who may be as dumb as they are daring. First, they allegedly
pistol-whipped one Theodore Owens, robbing him of $26 and threatening to
kill him if he didn't come up with more. The 44-year-old father told them
to drive him to his credit union bank at the Dallas-Fort Worth
International
Airport where he works. At "Terminal D, two of the robbers waited in the
car as the oldest escorted Mr. Owens inside," but without a badge he
couldn't get through security, so Owens told them to sit tight while he
got the money. The robber consented and Owens went inside, whereupon he
quickly got the police.


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And from Muse in Canada

                               World's Shortest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
                                                 by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

                            by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
                               Illustrated by Michael Moore

My Beauty Secrets
                                              by Janet Reno

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

                     by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

                                           by Hillary Clinton

Sequel:

   THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

                                     By Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF
PERSONAL HYGIENE
                                         by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
                                               by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT
DO FOR MONEY
                                       by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

                              by Al Gore & John Kerry


AMELIA EARHART'S
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
                                     by Dr. J Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

          by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
                                         by Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

                                       by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

                                       by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS

                                               by Bill Clinton
      with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson


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Finally from Whizzbang

                                What Would You Do?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?

Think seriously about this before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate
again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming
up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER....

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her
misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!


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Quote of the Week:


 "If the President thinks by vetoing this bill he will stop us from working
  to change the direction of the war in Iraq, he is mistaken."


                                          US Senate majority leader Harry
Reid


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[ End friday humour ]

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