Friday humour - April 27, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

This week saw the passing of another Anzac Day here in Oz with record
crowds at dawn services. Each year as more old Diggers leave the ranks,
many more young people turn up to show deep respect and thanks. I don’t
agree with the TV hype about outpourings of "pride" and
"nationalism". Clearly none of those commentators have been to a dawn
service. Each year when I go I am humbled by the silent homage payed by
ever increasing numbers. To those of you who have never been to a dawn
service, I can recommend it for the soul.

A famous quotation sent in this week by Burnout sums up for me the
reconciliation and learning that can come form great conflict.

"Those heroes that shed their blood and lost their lives, you are now lying
in the soil of a friendly country. Therefore rest in peace. There is no
difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets where they lie side by
side here in this country of ours… You the mothers who sent their sons
from far away countries, wipe away your tears. Your sons are now lying in
our bosom and are in peace.
Having lost their lives on this land they have become our sons as well."

Mustafa Kemal Atatürk.

Lest we forget.

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This weeks collection comes courtesy of  Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Digi
Maria, Duke of Barsinov, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie,
Stonefish, Whizzbang, Zalaga and the ever-present anonymi.

Steven Wright.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously
erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all
of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind
sees things differently from most of us,
to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And my all time favourite -
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?
     (answer - yes Ed.)

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Chinese Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese
Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE
MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was
delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY
SOAP ON PANTIES!... USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE!!!"

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Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer of
European origin are all working together one day and they come across a
lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish,
which is three wishes in total" says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the
Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan,Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Australians can come into our precious states." POOOFF! Again,
with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge walls around those
countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet
thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable." The Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and
says, "Fill it with water".

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Economic Models explained with cows - 2007 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

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The Ring:

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old
man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, The jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so
I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."  "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my
weekend!

Don't mess with Old People.

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his
employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed
him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in
the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

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New Math

Teaching Math In 1960...
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970...
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1980...
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1990...
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 2000...
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers.)

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Useless facts

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are:-
Malboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser - in that order.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their
hands.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every
letter in the alphabet.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable.
No word in the English dictionary rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no-one knows why.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
A pack-a-day smoker will on average lose 2 teeth, every 10 years.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

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Sexist? Moi??

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point in time,
contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately, 95% of them, spit it out again.

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DON'T MESS WITH A FILIPINO...

In a New York sidewalk, a Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee,
croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American,
chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation.

American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread?

Filipino: Of course!

American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) We don't. In the States we only
eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container,
recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines .

American: Do ya eat jam with bread?

Filipino: Of course!

American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) We don't. In
the States, we eat fruit at breakfast, put all the peels,
seeds and leftovers into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to
the Philippines.

Filipino: Do you have sex in America ?

American: Of course, we do!

Filipino: What do you do with the condoms?

American: We throw them, of course!

Filipino: We don't. In the Philippines, we put them into containers,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gums and sell it to
America

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Plastered

Flynn staggered home very late  after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to  avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now
almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Dumb Geordies

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"
convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd: "We are all here today to prove to the
world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 20 seconds
Gazza says "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start
chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and
global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he
asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds Gazza eventually says
"Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened
and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and
wave their hands shouting "Give him another chance! Give him another
chance!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says
"OK, what is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium.
Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to
a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

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God is missing

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any
mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent
the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the
preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the
question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is
God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

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 Mad Trombonist

1998 Urban Legend

(August 1998, Uruguay) In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Paolo
Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Symphonica Maya de Uruguay,
decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during a
performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's
concert.

In complete disregard of common sense, he dropped a large lit firecracker,
equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite,
into his aluminium straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of
his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask of
bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from the
explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me,
propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."

However Paolo was not to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was he
qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise the
horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to lift the bell of the
horn high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra. What
happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our own delirious
moments of divine inspiration.

First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the
blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind and
viola section, where it bypassed the players and rammed straight into the
stomach of the conductor, driving him backwards off the podium and
directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they
protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first row,
and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor backwards
into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the
people in the third row and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of
collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds
increased geometrically, adding to the overall commotion of cannons and
brass playing the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography notwithstanding, Paolo
Esperanza's Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to
Paolo, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to
stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an
Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet
akshon!" This comes as no surprise, for Paolo was about to become a
textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way for
the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through
the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like the hand of fate, burning
his lips and face and knocking him mercifully unconscious.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great
it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down the middle,
turning it inside out while propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. For
the grand finale, as Paolo fell to the ground, his limp hands lost their
grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases
to propel the slide like a golden spear into the head of the third
clarinettist, knocking him senseless.

The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch this!"
you'd better duck!

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A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy
standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and 
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle  weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around."

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Ice Storm
 Click here

Finally...A Wine glass that makes sense!
 Click here

Buy one - get one free!
 Click here

Lucky Car
 Click here

What Santa looked like this summer
 Click here

A good Photographer misses nothing (XX)
 Click here Click here Click here

And so say all of us.
 Click here

Fresh n Minty
 Click here

Contenders for the Darwin Awards
 Click here Click here

African Booze Tree
 Click here

Some reasons to stay at the Paris Hilton Hotel (give it a chance)
 Click here

How to tell if your feet stink!
 Click here

True Meaning of Skid Marks
 Click here

Awesome truck graphics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Now that's Muscle Control! (X)
 Click here

Anything for a bud lght
 Click here Click here

Dyslexia must be a cruse
 Click here

Waiting for a Bonus / Staff Appraisal
 Click here Click here

What more can you say
 Click here

Ever been this drunk?
 Click here

String (XX)
 Click here

Choppers answering machine message (XX)
 Click here

GMH Song -NOT FOR KIDS!!!! (XX)
 Click here

Catch Me If U Can.....For the Boaters!!!.
2000 hp!!! (How many gallons per hour do you suppose?)
Here's the latest drug runner from some European nuts.
This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a
blur on the radar of the British coast guard.
They were so blown away by the speed of the thing that they brought in a
specialized chopper to catch it!!!
What was on board...... 300 kgs. of pure cocaine!
 Click here

Ouch! (Warning - drongos at large)
 Click here

War Image
I got my serious head on this morning after I was sent this. The text and
image was sent me by a person I know serving in the UK military.
The image is intended to bring home the "cold" reality of  combat. Its an
actual picture of a person being shot at close range. The thing that
freaked me out was I knew one of the attackers and they are so young. I
know they are all full of shame now and the picture is to be published
soon.
The thing that grabs you is there seems to be no mercy shown for the
victim! Their faces will stay with you for a long time.
Not for the squeamish ladies may be  offended.
 Click here

Goan
 Click here

Not so fast!
 Click here

Prove Me Wrong
 Click here

How to tell a Greek from a Muslim
 Click here

Interesting new sport ...
 Click here

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Thoughts

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
side-saddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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