Friday humour - April 13, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Spin and propaganda seem to be alive and well in both Washington and
Canberra.

It was interesting to see the majority Democrats in the US this week wake
up to and reject Bush's "global war on terror" phrase as being nothing but
White House propaganda.  King George has been lying to us for over four
years saying that Iraq was at the centre of the WOT, yet had he not
invaded it there wouldn't be one terrorist there.  Butcher that he was,
Saddam
Hussein  ruled with a rod of iron and would have nothing to do with al
Qaeda or the terrorists responsible for 9/11.  Bush is responsible for
causing the bloody Iraq civil war between Shiites and Sunnis.  And because
of the seemingly endless occupation we see terrorists flocking into Iraq to
have a pot shot at the Americans.

It's interesting to see Howard, Downer, and Ruddock so at peace with the
David Hicks outcome. From being one of "the worst of the worst" Hicks was
finally retrospectively charged with an offence created by an act of
Congress last October.  Now they say he's definitely guilty of something
because he said so, taking advantage of a plea bargain knowing he'd come
home soon and be free in nine months time.

Wouldn't anyone who'd been tortured for over five years take the guilty
plea bargain to escape the hell hole that is Guantanamo Bay?  And how
convenient.
Hick's jail term will end just after the election due late this year.  If
that's not enough they've placed a 12 months gag on Hicks just to ensure
his silence till the election is well out of the way.  This gag would not
be possible in a properly constituted US or Australian court.

I see the terrorist ads are back on the tele.  Obviously we can expect the
scare campaign to end all scare campaigns between now and the election.


Before looking at the funnies, have a creative time with this link sent in
by Mad Mick of Marwick, who said ...

"This one should keep you busy for a while :-)

THIS IS MIND-BOGGLING.........EVERY TIME YOU CLICK ON YOUR MOUSE
IT CHANGES COLOR.

This is a real stress reliever, try it. Just move your mouse when the
curser is on the screen...you will get the hang of it."

Click here


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First up from Muse in London upon Thames, Canada

                                     Troubled future

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her,
the psychic delivered the bad news;

"There is no easy way to say this so I"ll be blunt, prepare yourself to be
a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, and then looked down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to go ahead and
ask the question she simply had to know.

She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked ...

"Will I get away with it?"


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I ... myself ... personally ... could have sent this one in ...

                               Organisation Madness

A large organisation, previously run as semi autonomous divisions, has been
undergoing corporatisation. Divisions have become Business Units, Human
Resources has been renamed People and Culture, and support services have
been placed under central control. An employee seeking information on
staff,
required to complete an annual task, sent an email to the person previously
title HR Manager, and received the following reply. The reply confirmed
verbal advice from the now P&C Manager, that they no longer knew which
staff had joined the organisation, or which staff had left.

"Thank you for your email. I am out of the office at a meeting and will
reply to your email on my return.

Please direct all policy, pay, commencement, cessation and leave related
queries to the P&C service centre (Phone No).

All recruitment issues should be directed to the recruitment team at (email
address).

Kind Regards, XXXXXX, People & Culture BU Manager"

This brings back memories of the British comedy series 'Yes Minister',
where
Sir Humphrey proudly announces to the Minister that the newly opened Public
Hospital, which does not have any patients, is meeting all it's performance
criteria.


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Now some from Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                                      Horror trip

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was
stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed
the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the
left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this
road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".


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Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax
commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of
that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax.  They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"

"No," replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a
piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"

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An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a
dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the elf
doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder up
next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close
range.

"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow,
"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges
the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the elf's balls,
and says, "Okay, hand me your platinum or I'll jump off the ladder!"

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A wealthy but down-to-earth scrap metal merchant started a new line of
business by recycling metal to produce nails for common DIY jobs. He
called his product 'Clough's Clout Headed Nails', but in the first year
they didn't sell too well so he decided to advertise. But how do you
advertise nails?
Very difficult - but he used his imagination.

His first advert caused media outrage. It depicted the Good Friday
crucifixion scene with a caption below - 'For a really good job, use
Clough's Clout Headed Nails'. 50,000 telephone complaints were made in one
day, he was obliged to issue a statement. 'Don't worry, he told the press.
Next week I'll run a more sensitive advert'

Next week the advert appeared in a modified form. It depicted the same
three crosses, this time empty!. In the distance however, three bearded
figures in loin cloths were seen running for the hills. The new caption
read 'This wouldn't have happened if they'd used Clough's Clout Headed
Nails'.

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In a reciprocal gesture of realpolitik UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has
awarded Life Peerages to the Iranian gunboat crew members who captured
fifteen Royal Navy sailors who have been held hostage in Tehran for almost
a fortnight.

"And what's more none of these eminent Iranian chaps has loaned the Labour
Party so much as a penny!" Blair chirped to an astonished Downing Street
press conference today.

The move follows President Ahmed-in-a-jacket's award of the Iran Lone Star
medal to all his seadog thugs involoved in the hostage taking.

Whitehall rumors also say that the Queen herself will fly to Tehran at the
weekend to present the Life Peerage gongs instead of spending Easter as
usual at Windsor Castle.

"This is a victory in the real sense for democracy," Blair told the press,
"and will greatly enhance House of Lords accountability to Number 10
Downing
Street in any future tricky issues, such as voting for a Republic."


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The Great Gussius sent this in

                  Psycho-social risk assessment for politicians.

Are you worried about electing another peanut to parliament?

Psychological assessment (PAI) involves both cognitive and psycho-social
testing. A PAI can be conducted to evaluate whether or not - or more
likely,
when - your favourite politician is cognitively or psychosocially impaired
to the point where they would be unable to function normally after being
elected.

It's best to find this out before you waste another vote. Email the
following psychobabble questions to your candidate asking them to indicate
the extent they agree/disagree. If they answer at all, take the hint and
vote for someone else:

Item 155 - I've been moving more slowly than usual. (True/ very true)
Item 162 - I'm curious why I behave the way I do. (True/So is everyone
else)

Item 326 - I'm happy with my job situation. (True/My pension scheme stinks)

PAI Critical Items are:
Item 101 - Potential for Self-Harm (Self flagellating/ when not in
parliament)
Item 220 - Death would be a relief if I was in the lynch mob. (Usually
True/Agree)

Traumatic Stressors:
Item 34 - I keep reliving something horrible that happened to me. (I met
George Bush once)
Item 114 - I'm troubled by memories of a bad experience for a long time.
(Very True)
Item 194 - I had some horrible experiences and I feel guilty. (Babies
Overboard)
Item 274 - Since I had a very bad experience, I am no longer interested in
some things that I used to enjoy. (Like telling the truth)

Delusions and Hallucinations:
Item 90 - Sometimes it seems that my thoughts are broadcast so that others
can hear them. (Slightly True, tune into Newsradio if you don't believe
me)
Item 210 - There are people who try to control my thoughts. (True, I have
seen them put new batteries in their remote)

Potential for Self-Harm:
Item 100 - I've made plans about how to get re-elected. (Very True/ even
had them printed)
Item 220 - Death by chocolate would be a relief. (Very True/ oooh yes)
Item 340 - I'm considering paying for a good spanking. (Very True/ Beat me,
beat me again)
Item 206 - I have no interest in the lifestyle of the peasant class.
(Mainly
True /okay)
Item 183 - When I'm upset, I typically do something to get drunk. (Slightly
True/ hic)

Potential for Aggression:
Item 61 - Sometimes my temper explodes and I completely lose control. (Very
True)
Item 101 - Sometimes I'm very violet other times just pale purple. (Very
True/ Yuss)
Item 21 - People are afraid of my temper tantrums. (Slightly True/ me too)

Potential Malingering:
Item 129 - I think I have three or four completely different personalities
inside of me. (Slightly true/ You can choose any ONE to vote for)

Traumatic Stressors:
Item 274 - Since I had a very bad experience, I am no longer interested in
some things that I used to enjoy. (Very True / Pulling wings off flies has
lost its appeal)


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Here's a bunch from Burnout

                                         Ladies golf

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is
hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when
finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes
over to it, whiffs it; and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then
hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says
apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter
didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You
should have taken golf lessons instead."


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                                     Milking machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived
when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So,
he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and
everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure
than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that
he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with
his cell phone (Thank god for mobiles!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."


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                                  The Ten Best Things

10. Why pay for tattoos when melanoma's free?
9. No more pesky weeds. In fact, no more pesky plants.
8. Nile Encephalitis: not just for Egyptians anymore.
7. Furnaces convert easily into tornado shelters.
6. Helsinki: the new Riviera.
5. Middle East oil producers feel right at home- everywhere.
4. Golfers only need a putter and a sand wedge.
3. For those who can't get enough of global warming. One word: Venus.
2. Steaks, medium rare, on the hoof.
1. Three thongs and you're dressed!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This from Digi Maria

                                   LIFE'S LESSONS
                                     By The Dog

If a DOG was the teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout..! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.


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And from Indigo-Flow

                       IF I WAS AN EVIL MASTERMIND ...

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No,
just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
"Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them
look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes.
All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive
mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate
enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to
retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so
startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.


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This one from Moose


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse & back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary for PIN written on inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


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Allnutts sent this in

                              What I Want In A Man!

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks pics are from Nottingham Smithie, Stonefish, Burnout, Whizzbang,
Muse, Cartographer Chris, Zalaga, Megazorch, David O, Allnutts, Digi Maria,
and Moose.


Only seconds to live.
 Click here

Never upset a guy with a backhoe
 Click here

Make your own girl of your dreams
 Click here

More fun from Iraq
 Click here

New IT Course
 Click here

Dial before you dig
 Click here

This tends to make you stay at home [AO - graphic violence]
 Click here

Belly Button Jewellery
 Click here Click here

Careful boys. Pay attention & look carefully I will ask you a question at
the end!!!
  Pay close attention - I need your opinion!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
 []  []  []  []  []  []  SHIT!
 Forgot what I was going to ask!!!!

What happens when you win the lottery
 Click here

Breeze
 Click here

Test
 Click here

140-yr-old Technology Versus New Technology
 Click here

Dog In The Pool
 Click here

Oops... one of those moments
 Click here

Gone forever - nostalgic look back
 Click here

Excercise
 Click here

Italian carpenter
 Click here

Tsunami Warning system
 Click here

Dolphins and Stress
I'm not sure exactly how this works, but it is amazingly accurate.
Read the full description before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case
study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact
that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find
differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds
between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you
may want to take a vacation.
 Click here
No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

When graphic artists get bored
 Click here

Cool hand paintings
 Click here


Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Easter eggs
 Click here Click here Click here

Awesome pics
 Click here

Spot the thief!
 Click here

Don't try this at home
 Click here

Real life Simpsons
 Click here


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Back to asccii now with this from Digi Maria

                                    The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a
Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big
white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do.... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like
to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready
to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to
feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts
into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin".


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A quickie from Zalaga of Nottingham

                                     Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for a
pension.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and I realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." Therefore, I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair she said, "That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you could have gotten
disability, too."


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This came from anon (you know who you are)

                            Why English is a pain to learn

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


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David O sent in this one

                                      Doubly Blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's
square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too"


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This from Chimney Sweep Howard

                                      Palindromes

What are they? Per the Macquarie Dictionary: "Palindrome- a word, verse etc
reading the same backwards as forwards (Greek, palindromos running back)"

Examples:

The Adelaide beachside suburb: Glenelg

Seen at the Melbourne Formula 1: race car

The first words Adam said to Eve? "Madam, I'm Adam"

Per Mike Horne: A man, a plan, a canal, Panama

Supplied by Nicholas Allingham: Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog


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More from Burnout

                         What Is Intelligence, Anyway?
                                   Isaac Asimov

When I was in the army, I received the kind of aptitude test that all
soldiers took and, against a normal of 100, scored 160. No one at the base
had ever seen a figure like that, and for two hours they made a big fuss
over me. (It didn't mean anything. The next day I was still a buck private
with KP - kitchen police - as my highest duty.)

All my life I've been registering scores like that, so that I have the
complacent feeling that I'm highly intelligent, and I expect other people
to think so too. Actually, though, don't such scores simply mean that I am
very good at answering the type of academic questions that are considered
worthy of answers by people who make up the intelligence tests - people
with intellectual bents similar to mine?

For instance, I had an auto-repair man once, who, on these intelligence
tests, could not possibly have scored more than 80, by my estimate. I
always took it for granted that I was far more intelligent than he was.
Yet, when anything went wrong with my car I hastened to him with it,
watched him anxiously as he explored its vitals, and listened to his
pronouncements as though they were divine oracles - and he always fixed my
car.

Well, then, suppose my auto-repair man devised questions for an
intelligence test. Or suppose a carpenter did, or a farmer, or, indeed,
almost anyone but an academician. By every one of those tests, I'd prove
myself a moron, and
I'd be a moron, too. In a world where I could not use my academic training
and my verbal talents but had to do something intricate or hard, working
with my hands, I would do poorly. My intelligence, then, is not absolute
but is a function of the society I live in and of the fact that a small
subsection of that society has managed to foist itself on the rest as an
arbiter of such matters.

Consider my auto-repair man, again. He had a habit of telling me jokes
whenever he saw me. One time he raised his head from under the automobile
hood to say: "Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask
for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made
hammering motions with the other hand. The clerk brought him a hammer. He
shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk
brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc,
the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you
suppose he asked for them?"

Indulgently, I lifted by right hand and made scissoring motions with my
first two fingers. Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and
said,
"Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them." Then he said
smugly, "I've been trying that on all my customers today." "Did you catch
many?" I asked. "Quite a few," he said, "but I knew for sure I'd catch
you."
"Why is that?" I asked. "Because you're so goddamned educated, doc, I knew
you couldn't be very smart."

And I have an uneasy feeling he had something there.


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Finally some more from Nottingham Smithie

                                 Another golf story

A man was at the golf club for his weekly round. He began with an eagle on
the first hole, and his first ever hole-in-one on the second. He was about
to tee off at the third when his mobile phone rang, and a doctor notified
him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU, and he should get there as soon as possible.

As the man hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his
best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before
heading to the hospital.

As it turned out, he played all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he
remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're
proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that
round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her
life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care
giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Only joking with you. She's dead. What'd
you shoot?"


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      26 reasons why a man should have a dog and not a wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"

17.  If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.


18.  A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

        And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


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Quote of the Week:


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."


                                   - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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