Friday humour - April 06, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Greetings all, for another bumper week of Friday Humour.

I was going to wax lyrical this week about David Hicks, but I will limit my
comments to what David himself (or his family, or his friends, or his
lawyers etc.) can say - absolutely nothing. Clearly there is less to fear
from the man than there is from his words.

My favourite for this week is Rubik's Cube.
(just think how good this bloke might have been at something useful!)
 Click here

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The text funnies this week are from Allnutts, Cartographer Chris, Digi
Maria, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, The Great
Gussius, Whizzbang and Zalaga

Medicare - isn't it wonderful.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

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A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers have actually made
to their passengers.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married
to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound
and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E
& B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the
pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

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Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Dulut vhen he accidentally 
cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the
Norsky  doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see
vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I  haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2007
and I’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I
could haf put dem back on and made you like new!

Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da f*ck vas I suppose to pick dem up?
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Test for Dementia

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it,
you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails
before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of
"no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany Where would you bury
the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce
and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the
next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people
get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get
on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at MilfordHaven. What
was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was
YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! But not ALL of us . .

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Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

So of course it's difficult to learn the English language.......and
learning to spell can be pure guess work.......
a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
b. A backward poet writes inverse.
c. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
d. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
e. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
m. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
n. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
o. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
t. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
z. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
aa. Every calendar's days are numbered.
ab. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
ah. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
aj. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done

THE CENSUS
Census Taker: "Good morning, madam, I'm taking the census."
Old Lady: "The what?"
Census Taker: "The c-e-n-s-u-s!"
Old Lady: "For lans sakes! What with tramps takin' everythin' they kin lay
their han's on, young folks takin' fotygrafs of ye without so much as
askin', an' impudent fellows comin' roun' as wants ter take yer senses,
pretty soon there won't be nothin' left ter take, I'm thinkin'."
--1890 Harper's Weekly

Then and Now
1974: Long hair 2004: Longing for hair 1974: KEG 2004: EKG 1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux 1974: Moving to California because it's cool 2004:
Moving to California because it's warm 1974: Trying to look like Marlon
Brando or Liz Taylor 2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
Taylor 1974: The Grateful Dead 2004: Dr. Kevorkian 1974: Going to a new,
hip joint 2004: Receiving a new hip joint 1974: Rolling Stones 2004:
Kidney Stones 1974: Being called into the principal's office 2004: Calling
the principal's office 1974: Down with the system 2004: Upgrade the system
1974: Disco 2004: Costco 1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1974: Passing the
drivers' test 2004: Passing the vision test 1974: Whatever 2004: Depends

LOST PURSE
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.
Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my
bag. When I went to pick it up, several off duty bus drivers surrounded
me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost
wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man
continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried,
none of us could fit everything into your purse and we'd like to see just
how you do it."

MISSING SERVICES
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to
synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent
health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see
you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he
whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But
then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very
busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!

GOD GRANTS WISHES
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second
one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When
there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy
calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

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Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth
hour.
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli,
lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken
me?
He then spoke unto his disciples " Thou art not to eat my Easter Eggs, I'll
be back on Monday"

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According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because
our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured Lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we
wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our
wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding
in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and
not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in
it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one
minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chatrooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and
rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, got
cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not,
WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school,
which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7
and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out
if we broke a law was unheard of...they actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile
on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986....The
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard
of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has
existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from
last year. They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never
have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazard or the Famous Five.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with
computers.
5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other
friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're Getting old!!

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A man staggered into a doctors surgery in a small country town with a seven
iron wrapped around his head.
"What the hell happened to you?" the doc asked.
"I'm not exactly sure." replied the dazed patient.
"Well then, where were you when this happened?" enquired the doctor.
"I was playing golf with the missus at that course down by the river. I
don't remember what it's called, but on one side of the fairway there's a
dairy farm".
"I know it well." nodded the doc "That's O'Reilly's farm and the course is
one I play every now and then."
"Well....." said the man " The missus teed off and hooked her ball into the
rough so we went to look for it. After the regulation 10 minutes, I looked
over to the barbed wire fence and saw a cow sitting on the ground chewing
its cud. It seemed to have a smirk on its face, so I went over that way to
see if the ball was there. The cow was just sitting there with that
know-all look on its face, so I went behind her, lifted her tail and lo
and behold there was a golf ball!"
"I called to the little woman and said.. Darling, This looks like yours!"

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A hillbilly who wanted a divorce, pays a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said "How can I help you."
The farmer said "I want to get one of those day-vorces".
The Lawyer said "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer says "Yes, Iv’e got 40 acres".
The lawyer said "No, you don’t understand.  I need to figure out if you
have a suit".
The farmer said "Yes, I have a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays".
The lawyer said "No no, I mean do you have a case"?
The farmer said "No, I ain’t got a case, but I got a John Deer".
The lawyer said "No, no, I mean do you have a grudge"?
The farmer said "Yes I have a grudge, that’s where I parks my John Deer".
The lawyer said "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said "No, we both get up at 4.30am".
The lawyer said "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said "No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger, and that’s why I want a day-vorce".

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These are genuine clips from British Council tenants,  complaining to the
Council about problems with their homes...

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it...

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore...

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow...

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me...

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night...

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence...

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife...

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand...?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the 
wall...

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant...

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy...

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers...

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared...

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink...

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off...

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous...

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it...

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage...

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them  off...

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An Irish  drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits  down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk  mumbles,
"ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the  girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I  promise!"  Well, the hours
passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around  3 a.m., a bit
loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in
the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally  smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!",
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
farted.

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Engineers Patrick and Seamus ( Dublin mechanical engineers) were standing
at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick "but we don't have a
ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "5 metres," and walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask
for the height and she gives us the length!"

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A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won
a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor
home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as
a prize.

The! Blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads ...

"W I N A B A G E L"

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A Chinese couple named Wong have a new baby.

The doctor brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the doctor to the new parents. "What will you name
the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says "Well, two Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

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The multimedia funnies this week are from Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Digi Maria, Duke of Barsinov, Moose, Nottingham Smithie, Stonefish,
Whizzbang and Zalaga.

No words ............. just play the clip (I want one!)
 Click here

Happy Easter
 Click here

The screen is filled with little blocks, numbered from one to 33. When you
hit start, the blocks all go into motion zig zagging all over the screen.
The object is to touch each block with the mouse pointer which causes the
block to pop and disappear. It's not necessary to click the mouse. You
have to begin with block 1 and get them in order through all 33 blocks. If
you don't catch the block within a few seconds, it gets larger which makes
it easier to find, However, that takes up time. When you pop the last
block (number 33). the end screen comes up with the number of seconds it
took to go through all 33 blocks.
 Click here

The Dangers of Working in Brazilian Pipe Lines.
 Click here Click here Click here

Pool and dominoes
 Click here

Rolling (XXX)
 Click here

12 signs you drank too much, or, you have crap mates!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tighten what?
 Click here

Latest David Copperfield Illusion.
 Click here

Guard dog?
 Click here

Sore Throat
 Click here

Becoming a man- a 2yr degree course
 Click here

Phone conversation
 Click here

Whales
 Click here

Dangers of Towing A Dead Whale Through a Busy Street
 Click here Click here

How strong is your ass?
 Click here

In Flight Instructions
 Click here

Drongos with weapons!
 Click here Click here Click here

Clever dog! (K9 XXX)
 Click here

Dealing with the public.
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A Beer Before It Starts
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You'll appreciate this one!
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New olympic sport
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KINGSTON, Jamaica - Jamaican police have launched a murder inquiry into the
death of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer at the World Cup, saying he was
strangled. In a shocking revelation this afternoon, a picture has been
released of a man seen beating on Woolmer's door and shouting "Woolmer!".
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Awesome paint job
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Real men - early developers
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The Real Cause of Global Warming
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Here is a laugh for the girls
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Funnies
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Senior moments
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Cannibals
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Vegetable Art
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Cheeky Baking
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Holy smoke Batman
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Glock
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More flying lessons required?
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Learners
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New Roller Coaster - last picture says it all
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Scary Frog
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The Koala & the Lizard
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The Ultimate disappointment
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Incomplete Bombie
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What the?
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NEVER Surprise A Big Black Man.......
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A good one
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Pakistan Cricket News Flash

Pakistan have just announced their new cricket coach, Gladstone Small.
Let's see them strangle that c*nt!.

And in another surprise announcement just in now:

The Pakistan cricket team have all quit cricket and now have taken up - Bob
Slaying.

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Tuesday March 27, 12:41 AM
Speeding Portuguese priest prompts complaint to Pope  LISBON (Reuters) - A
Portuguese group campaigning for safe roads has asked the Vatican to
ensure that a priest who owns a souped-up Ford Fiesta "resist the
temptations of speed."
Father Antonio Rodrigues, Portugal's only owner of a 150-horse-power Ford
Fiesta 2000 ST, has boasted of his car's rapid acceleration to 210 km (130
miles) per hour and "thanked God" for never being fined, the Association of
Motorist Citizens said in a letter to the Pope.
"I am no speed freak," daily Correio de Manha quoted Rodrigues as saying on
Monday. "I have a car that I like but I drive with prudence."
The association's letter, which was published on its Web site
(www.aca-m.org), cited the priest as saying he uses the car to take
youngsters for spins and to zip around to "arrive on time to the three
parish churches."
"We ask Your Holiness to help this unfortunate priest to ponder the gravity
of his acts and the immodesty of his words and to resist the temptations of
speed and  boasting," the letter to the Pope said.

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Everyone has troubles. No matter how high, or how low, nothing ever goes
smoothly. It is thus also with the affairs of that fallen angel, Satan. on
one particularly bad day, he accidently had his tail cut off. The press of
business prevented him from immediately retrieving the appendage, and by
the time he got back, it had disappeared.

This was an intolerable situation, but difficult to rectify. After much
investigation, Satan found that after their deaths, all of the creatures
that had their tails removed ended up in the same location in the
afterlife. Cocker spaniels, other bob-tailed dogs, sheep, and creatures
that accidently lost their tails, all went there.

According to legend, all these creatures would be united with their missing
parts to be whole again for eternity. This turned out to be wrong. only
after a long search  did it become clear to all the incomplete creatures,
including Satan, that the tails were gone forever.

Because of his long absence, it became quite common to say that the Devil
is in the details.

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The Riders

Four elderly ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game
today?"

The first lady said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

The second lady said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third lady said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as
last time."

The last lady said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't
you proud of me?"

After they went into the ladies locker room, another golfer who had
overheard the ladies went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf
for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what
the heck is a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider occurs when you hit the ball far enough to get in
the golf cart and ride to it."

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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California)
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This
came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents
to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The
school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's
failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were
absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough
schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In
order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
Newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and
have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.

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Odd Spots from The Age

Tuesday March 27, 2007
The BBC has been criticised for filming its Easter Songs of Praise special
in November, immediately after a Christmas service. Producers switched
flowers and got the congregation to switch seats and ditch winter
clothing. "It will give an air of unreality to the Easter program,"
lamented Jonathan Gledhill, the Bishop of Lichfield.

Monday March 26, 2007
Li, 45, a single Chinese man, is advertising on the internet for a female
tomb-mate so he won't be alone after death. "I don't want a relationship
with her. I just want to find someone to share the lonely tomb," he told
reporters in Nanjing city.

Saturday March 24, 2007
A man found dead in the Siberian tawny owl cage at Moscow Zoo, wearing
nothing but boxer shorts, is believed to have been drunk when he entered
the cage. Zookeepers believe the intruder may have hit his head after an
altercation with the bird.

Friday March 23, 2007
A Sri Lankan Buddhist monk who applied for a job as a gun-carrying
assistant superintendent of police in Colombo has been turned down -
because he wouldn't give up his saffron robes.

Thursday March 22, 2007
Would you have your car serviced by this man? English mechanic Chris
Donald, 38, admits to having sex with cars _ a recognised psychological
condition called paraphilia, says The Sun. Donald, from the West Country,
has had sex with more than 30 cars, two motorboats and a power-ski in the
past 20 years, he says. He has a steady girlfriend.

Wednesday March 21, 2007
Tata, India's largest automotive manufacturer, has reportedly developed a
car that runs on compressed air and vegetable oil. It costs less than $A4
to fill a tank on which it can run for 200 to 300 kilometres. The car will
cost about $A9000 and has a top speed of 110 km/h.

Tuesday March 20, 2007
Ireland's High Court has struck down a 19th-century law against begging,
backing a beggar who argued that his arrest violated the right to free
speech. Niall Dillon was arrested for begging in Dublin in 2003 and
charged under the 1847 Vagrancy Act. The ruling means his prosecution
cannot go ahead.

Monday March 19, 2007
Portugal's Renova, one of Europe's biggest producers of household paper
products, has put a diamond-encrusted toilet-paper holder on sale for
€100,000 ($A168,000). The bog bling is to mark the worldwide sale of
1million rolls of the company's novelty black toilet paper.

Friday March 16, 2007
A German brothel hopes to capitalise on the growing number of pensioners
interested in "matinee" sex by offering those over 66 a 50 per cent
discount during afternoon hours.

Thursday March 15, 2007
Twice world touring car racing driver Andy Priaulx could not be at Carlee
Yates and Andy Richmond's wedding in person so he sent a life-sized
cardboard cut-out of himself and a pre-recorded speech. It stood at the
altar as the couple tied the knot in front of 100 guests on the island of
Guernsey.

Wednesday March 14, 2007
State wildlife officials in Brattleboro, Vermont, have confiscated a
two-metre alligator that had been living in a family's home for seven
years. A bemused reptile expert warned: "They just don't warm up to
people. They don't ever become friendly. They don't make good pets."

Tuesday March 13, 2007
Buddhist monks are grappling with how to rid a Malaysian temple of an
infestation of ants whose sting is so bad one worshipper has been admitted
to hospital. The monks have tried using a vacuum cleaner to gather up the
ants before freeing them in a nearby forest, but to no avail.

Monday March 12, 2007
Five Romanian prisoners used a hacksaw blade to escape while guards were
watching a Champions League soccer match between Real Madrid and Bayern
Munich. All five, aged 17 to 19, were caught half an hour after leaving
the prison. The guards are being investigated by their superiors.

Saturday March 10, 2007
Police in Atlanta, Georgia, believe one man is behind 11 robberies of
Subway stores because he orders the same style of turkey sandwich, which
he uses to hide his handgun from other customers as he threatens staff. He
then walks out with cash and a sandwich.

Friday March 9, 2007
When dozens of chickens went missing in India from a village in West
Bengal, the locals blamed dogs. Villager Ajit Ghosh was surprised to
discover that it was his cow,  Lal, that was dining on chickens in the cow
shed that also served as a chicken coop.

Thursday March 8, 2007
A groom is in jail accused of trying to run over his new wife after a
wedding in Las Vegas. Police say the couple were married on March 4 and
were on honeymoon in Utah when James Olwine, 33, ran over his wife, Katie
Martindale, 29, after an argument. She was not seriously injured. Olwine
is in jail on assault charges.

Wednesday March 7, 2007
A nine-months-pregnant mother from Bournemouth, England, was forced off a
bus because her toddler was having a tantrum that the driver claimed was
distracting. The woman had to walk 800 metres home carrying the toddler
and two bags of shopping.

Tuesday March 6, 2007
An Ohio lawyer challenging the authority of a police chief in a drugs case
has asked for the department's police dog to appear in court, because he
says Rocko and police chief John McGuire have degrees in criminal justice
from the same Virgin Islands-based online school, Concordia College and
University.

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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