Friday humour - March 23, 2007



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Four years ago our Man of Steel (aka the Lying Rodent) chose to send our
troops on a mission to invade Iraq because of some perceived threat that
Iraq was a danger to the world.

For as long as I can remember we used to say going to war was a last
resort,
but for six months Howard's mentor, George W Bush, had been talking up a
new principle of war - pre-emptive attack - in that you attack someone
else before they attack you.

Mind you, Iraq didn't have any weapons of mass destruction and Howard had
been advised this from some at our security agencies.  They also advised
him that invading Iraq would increase the risk of world terrorism.

Even the countries that believed Saddam did have WMD didn't agree with the
invasion.

In his press conference just prior to the invasion Howard said that
although
Saddam was a butcher he would not have supported the US invasion on the
basis of regime change.  He also said our troops would be engaged for
weeks,
not months.

My how things have changed.

Four years ago Iraq was a much more stable country than it is now. And
there were no terrorists. Thanks to Bush, Blair, and Howard we now have a
broken country in the midst of a civil war complete with terrorists trying
to have a pot-shot at the occupying powers.

Does Howard apologies?  No.  He simply accuses the Opposition of supporting
the terrorists (that he helped create).

He says it's OK that Britain withdraws 2500 troops, but for Australia to
withdraw 600 troops would be handing victory to the terrorists.

Given children overboard, AWB wheat for weapons, never ever GST, and an
expeditious and fair trial for David Hicks, why would anyone ever believe
a word that escapes Howard's lips.

The world will be better off when the desiccated coconut is gone. 
Hopefully a new Australian Government will apologise to the Iraqi people
for all the death and destruction that we've bestowed upon them.

And hopefully the deadly stupid principle of pre-emptive attack will be
buried forever.


Now to the funnies.  And my favourite this week ... Fun in Church from
Cartographer Chris.
 Click here


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First up a quickie from Allnutts

                                 Having it off today

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When
I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......... You got nice house.'


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This came from the Castlehill Bookends

                          Tony and Gordon hit the road ...

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, "Gordon, I
have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle England and secure a
Labour victory at the next election".

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?", asked Gordon.

"Well", Tony responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy
clothes and shoes, like most middle Englanders wear, and then we'll stop
at the dog pound and pick up a Labrador ...

When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country pub in middle England,
and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show
admiration and respect for the hard working people living there".

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite labrador at heel,
they set off from Downing Street in a Westerly direction. Eventually they
arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the pub. They step up to the bar and the
landlord takes a step back and say's, "Aren't you Tony and Gordon?"

Tony answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were
just passing through and we thought that we'd stop and take in some local
colour."

They then order a couple of drinks and proceed to drink them down, all the
while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the pub door opens and an old farmer comes in. He walked
up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old
farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath,
scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came
in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Tony and Gordon could stand it no longer and asked the landlord
why all those old farmers came in and looked under the dog's tail like
that?
Was it some sort of old custom?

"Good Lord no" said the landlord. "Its just that someone has told them that
there was a labrador in this pub with two arseholes!".


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And from KRP in beautiful Coffs Habour

                                   Gotta love the Irish

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch
of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who
can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking
them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives
the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you
go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first."

                           -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - -

Paddy came home after a long day and told his wife "Mick died today."

"That's terrible," said the wife, "what happened?"

"Well, we stopped by the brewery after work and Mick fell in the Guinness
vat and drowned."

"Ah, the poor man, he didn't suffer long I hope."

"Well, it did take a while; he had to get out three times to pee."

                           -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  - -

25 years ago the Brits were taking bids for a tunnel from England to
France.

The first bid was 200 million pounds. The second bid was for 210 million
pounds. The third bid was for 20,000 pounds and a case of Bushmills.

The Brits said: "Well, we have to give them an interview."

So the O'Malley brothers showed up. Paddy had a pick over his shoulder and
his brother Liam had a shovel tucked under his arm.

The British engineer asked: "Why so cheap?"

Paddy said, "Well me brother and me are the best diggers in all of Ireland.
Liam will start in France, and I'll start diggin' in England and we'll meet
in the middle".

The engineer said: "Well what happens if you don't meet in the middle?"

Paddy says: "Well... then you'll be havin' TWO tunnels !!


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More Irish stuff and more from Moose


Paddy & Mick were unemployed and applied for social security benefits.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher". "I sew da
elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs." The clerk looked up panty
stitcher on her computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour,
she gave him 80 EURO a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 EURO a
week.

When Paddy found out this, he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are
skilled labour " .

" What skill?" yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs;
Mick puts 'em over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter."

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                                My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My
Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she
said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that... Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."


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Here's an assortment from Nottingham Smithie

                                         Dyslexia

Dyslexia has been defined by the Birtish Dislyxia Assitiocian as: "A
cobnimation of alitibies and dictifulfies that afefect the leraning
precoss in one or mroe of rideang, spilleng, wrinitg. Aconpamycing
weaskesnes may be ifidnetied in aeras of seepd of possrecing, shrot-trem
meromy, sequencing and organisation, autodiry and/or vusial preceipton,
skopen lagnuage and motor slilks. It is pactilarurly retaled to mestaring
and unisg wrettin lanaguge, wihch may inlucde aphlatebic, nuremic and
miscual natotion."
Dyxlisea has bene emsitated to ocucr in 4% of the UK potalution, although
90% of journalists show smoe of the sytpmoms of dylsixea.


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Many years ago there was an Irish radio program where the presenters would
travel around the country, stopping off at various schools and factories
where they would interview some of the locals, and the broadcast would go
out live. They ended up at a primary school in the backside of nowhere one
day, and Little Johnny, a farmer's son, was wheeled forward to say a few
words live on the radio.

'So Little Johnny, how are you today?' said Mr. Smoothie Presenter.

'Not too well at all, sir, there's been a death in the family' replied
Little Johnny.

'Ah no, sure that's terrible ... who died?' asked the presenter.

'It was the pony, sir ... it fell down a bog hole and my father had to
shoot it', explained Little Johnny.

'God, that's awful. Did your father shoot it in the hole?'

'No sir ... he shot it in the head'


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                                        New world

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.
"Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. "Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington
State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they
are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely
sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington............ wait until you see the
idiots I put there."


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Whizzbang came up with this

                               The Logical Scientist

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at
the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er .. mmm .. well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker


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And from Zalaga

                                          Kidnap

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at
7AM."

Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I
cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


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David O sent this in

                                            TGIF

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F"? (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."


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This weeks pics are from Muse, Smithie in Sherwood Forrest, David O, Ben in
Windy Wellington, Burnout, Whizzbang, Dicko, Cartographer Chris, Notingham
Zalaga, Allnutts, the Duke of Barsinov, PA Extraordinaire, the Great
Gussius, Moose, and Petty, Tanberg, Leunig, and Golding of The Age.


Terrorist Boarding Call .......
 Click here

[ btw - The Chaser's War on Everything returns to ABC-TV next Wednesday -
Ed ]

Boardroom Engineering
 Click here

Bedroom Twister
 Click here

Our house
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The Awful Truth
 Click here

Cool advertising techniques
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Poker face
 Click here

Great white pics - Feel like a swim?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

New blow up doll
 Click here

Just hanging with the boys
 Click here

The Beauty Of Winter
 Click here

Two new Harleys
 Click here

Let's face it, we all got frustrated in exams...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Painted Cats
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Global warming
 Click here

FW: Horrible Fact about KFC
 Click here

Great Aviation Photography
 Click here

The Pharmacist
 Click here

Best Spreadsheet Ever
 Click here

Beer Vs Pussy (XXX)
 Click here

Northern Territory Waterbed
 Click here

Dinner
 Click here

Rail Camp Cyclone George 2007
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Kiwis ...
 Click here

Spelling
 Click here

Visual puns
 Click here

Why am I Single ?
 Click here

Funny pix
 Click here

My Russian Comrade
 Click here

One of those moments...
 Click here

Got something?
 Click here

Try this I got 20 right!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

Appraisals 21st Century style
 Click here

This guy is good
 Click here

In the news
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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More blonde stuff from the PA Extraordinaire

                            A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!....... bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
"2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid..... wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't
fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing....... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.

September
The capital of California is "C"..... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's..... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days..... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh"..... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid
phone!!!

                                  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"


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Some offerings from Burnout

                                 Business agreement

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office .... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so
frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let
me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend
.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,
"Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to
get his pants down."  She agreed and Eddie accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks
what happened....?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had 20c pieces!"


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                             Multi Tasking At It's Finest!

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son and it was
getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four
objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he
picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman,
and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a
no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all,
if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle
and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Oh Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered, disgustedly , "he's gonna
be a helicopter pilot!"


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This from Cartographer Chris

                                       Hymn 365

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in
the world, I'd take it a and pour it into the river." And then finally,
shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing ...

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the
River."


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Finally from Indigo-Flow

                                      Pointing Percy

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a
urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, "Can you
help me point my penis?"

The man reluctantly accepts but decided not to look at the mans penis.
After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! Am I grabbing it
right? So I should look, to make sure"

He looks down at the mans member and sees that its beyond hidious. Startled
he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but,
I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.


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Quote of the Week:


  "I really regret bringing down the statue.  The Americans are worse
   than the dictatorship. Every day is worse than the previous day."


                                                                Kadhim
al-Jubouri
                           (the Iraqi who helped topple Sadaam Husein's
                                 statue in Baghdad almost for years ago.)


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[ End friday humour ]


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