Friday humour - March 16, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

By the look of the polls here in Oz it seems the little desiccated coconut
(Keating's words not mine) has at last a fight on his hands. That can only
be good for democracy. I wonder what fearful apple he will drag off the
bottom of the barrel this time. I wonder how many of us will be tempted to
be afraid - yet again. Not long to wait to find out. Got any tips George?

It seems that all you Hotmailers and Yahooers did receive your FH last
week, so that is good. Sorry for the extra email.

My favourite for this week - Does this Skirt make my Bum look big? (yike!)
 Click here

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Let us begin with the textual contributions ...

From Allnutts
New Qantas Slogan

Quickies
Available
Now in
Toilet,
Ask
Staff
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From Burnout

When I'm 100
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate.
After a short time, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some
family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her
right.
When she started leaning left the family stuffed pillow s on her left. Soon
she started leaning forward, so the family members tied a pillowcase around
her waist.
A Grandson came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good!
How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote: "They won't let me
fart."

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From Cartographer Chris

What gets longer when pulled,
Fits between your boobs,
Inserts neatly in a hole, and
Works best when jerked?

A seat belt you pervert!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hymn 365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it and pour it into the
river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I would take it a and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
"Shall We Gather at the River."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Barry Dawson: The Cougar

When Barry Dawson goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Barry
Dawsoned.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for
Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson counted to infinity - twice.

Barry Dawson invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Barry Dawson does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
the Earth down.

Barry Dawson hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Barry Dawson gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Barry Dawson can slam a revolving door.

Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one
fools Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson can speak Braille.

Barry Dawson's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Superman owns a pair of Barry Dawson pyjamas.

Barry Dawson owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a
Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and
a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Barry Dawson sleeps with a night light. Not because Barry Dawson is afraid
of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Barry Dawson.

Barry Dawson doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.

Once a cobra bit Barry Dawson's leg. After five days of excruciating pain,
the cobra died.

Barry Dawson divides by zero.

Barry Dawson is always on top during sex because Barry Dawson never f***s
up.

When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Barry Dawson sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Barry kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The
devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should
have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.

Barry Dawson once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Barry Dawson once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a
friend that the expression "sh**ting bricks" wasn't just a figure of 
speech.

The only time Barry Dawson was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.

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From Digi Maria

Girls night out

Last night, my girlfriends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the
girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and
stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy
back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a
$50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck
it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the
eighty bucks, and left!!!!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE AUSTRALIAN MEN 'S PRAYER

OUR BEER
WHICH ART IN BOTTLES
HALLOWED BE THY SPORT
THY WILL BE DRUNK
I WILL BE DRUNK
AT HOME AS I AM AT THE PUB
GIVE US EACH OUR DAILY RED
AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGE
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILLEST AGAINST US
AND LEAD US NOT INTO THE PRACTICE OF WINE TASTING
AND DELIVER US FROM TEQUILA
FOR MINE IS THE BITTER
THE CHICKS AND THE FOOTY
FOREVER AND EVER
BARMEN.

THE AUSTRALIAN WOMEN 'S PRAYER

OUR CASH
WHICH ART ON PLASTIC
HALLOWED BE THY NAME
THY CARTIER WATCH
THY PRADA BAG
IN MYER
AS IT IS IN DAVID JONES
GIVE US EACH DAY OUR PLATINUM VISA
AND FORGIVE US OUR OVERDRAFT
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO STOP OUR MASTERCARD
AND LEAD US NOT INTO KATIES
AND DELIVER US FROM SUSSANS
FOR THINE IS THE DINNIGAN, THE AKIRA AND THE ARMANI
FOR CHANEL AND ETERNITY
AMEX.

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Just Fred!!!
A cop stops a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. He
Asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might
just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a
ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got
older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally
got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD".
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant
and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD,
DDS, with VD."
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Dingaling with VD."
"Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

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From KRP from Coffs Harbour

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%..a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 A.M"

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that.

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From Nottingham Smithie

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a
Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile. There's a musician here - he's 85
years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still
calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"
" And there's a physician here - 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The
f*cking Arab`

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Sound advice

Years ago, I read that it was the responsibility of parents not to pave the
road for their children, but to provide a road map. So,
as my son, Adam, prepared to leave for college, I jotted down a few words
of counsel and put them in a dime-store binder. After his mother and I had
helped him move into his dorm, I presented him with the bound pages.

A few days later, Adam called me. "Dad," he said, the book is one of the
best gifts I've ever received. I'm going to add to it and someday give it
to my son." Every once in a while life hands you a moment so precious, so
overwhelming, that you almost glow. I had just experienced one.

Here are the words I gave him.
Admit your mistakes.
Be bold and courageous.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the
difference.
Be willing to lose a battle in order to win the war.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.
Call your mother.
Choose a charity in your community and support it generously with your time
and money.
Compliment three people each day.
Don't be afraid to say "I don't know."
Don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry."
Don't discuss business in elevators. You never know who may overhear you.
Don't expect life to be fair.
Don't gossip. Keep secrets.
Don't procrastinate. Do what needs doing when it needs to be done.
Don't spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no politely and quickly.
Forget committees. New, noble, world-changing ideas always come from one
person working alone.
Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his deathbed, "Gee, if
I'd only spent more time at the office."
Give yourself a year and read the Bible cover to cover.
Have good posture.
Enter a room with purpose and confidence.
Instead of using the word problem, try substituting the word opportunity.
Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.
Look people in the eye.
Make a list of 25 things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in
your wallet and refer to it often.
Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all he or she has.
Never pay for work before it's completed.
Never take action when you're angry.
Never underestimate the power of forgiveness.
Never walk out on a quarrel with your wife.
Over tip breakfast waitresses.
Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
Regarding furniture and clothes: if you think you'll be using them five
years or longer, buy the best you can afford.
Say "please" and "thank you" a lot.
Street musicians are a treasure. Stop for a moment and listen; then leave a
small donation.
Treat everyone you meet as you want to be treated.
Use credit cards only for convenience, never for credit.
Never cheat.
Watch a sunrise at least once a year:
When faced with a serious health problem, get at least three medical
opinions.
When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do
more than the ones you did.

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Political correctness

"Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical
liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous liberal press;
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up
a turd by the clean end"

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Favourite things 2007

To commemorate her 69th birthday Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favourite Things" from the "Sound Of Music". Here are the lyrics
she used:

"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad."

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man travelling on a train

A man travelling on a train asked the ticket collector what time the train
stopped at London Victoria.
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, it's the express."
"You're joking! I NEED to get off at Victoria!"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria."
"There must be something you can do."
"Well there is one thing..."
"What? Anything! I need to get off at Victoria!"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door
and lower you onto the platform."
"My goodness!" said the man, "Will that work?"
"It's worth a try," replied the ticket collector.
The train approached the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hung the
man out the door. The man started running in mid air.
"Run faster! Run faster!" the ticket collector shouted as he lowered the
man down.
The man's feet touched the platform, and smoke flew off his shoes. One of
his heels came off; he was running for his life! Suddenly,
the ticket collector let go, and the man was running at 30 mph. He has made
it; he began to slow down. He was still running at 20 mph along side the
train as the other passengers watched in amazement. As the last carriage
went by, another hand grabbed the man by the shirt collar and lifted him
back onto the train. As he was being pulled into the carriage he heard a
voice say, "Your lucky I was here to help you on, normally this train
doesn't even slow-down at Victoria!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The rocket launches

Rocket launches from Houston to mars with 2 monkeys & a woman.
Houston calls 1st monkey: adjust oxygen 20 per cent, stop radar, phase to
warp factor 3;
Monkey 1 : OK Done
Houston to 2nd monkey: switch off engine 3 & start radiation shield, adjust
anti-gravitational throttle:
Monkey 2: OK Done
Houston to woman: Feed the monkeys & don't f*cking touch anything

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Becoming Illegal

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I
am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an
illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate
and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five
years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and
income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I
see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone
figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result
for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency
room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying
premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost
$10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would
receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as
well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United
States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of
renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age
children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be
most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert

Burlington, IA

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From Whizzbang

Don't tease old ladies!

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the
little bastard.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A boat story

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the
day you sell it!! Well, here's  a good BOAT story!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and
kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of
guys from out-of-state who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was  out
of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother, John's wife died suddenly. When he got
back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A
kind old  neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for
your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her. She was  a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead
fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a
pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four 
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and
smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in
her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Scotsman and the Dentist

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction.

"85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an
anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the
Price could drop to 40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5.
But it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye
Confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

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This weeks multimedia collection is brought to you through the kind graces
of Allnutts, Cartographer Chris, David at Sutherland,
Digi Maria, Duke of Barsinov, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang,
and a few who shall remain nameless.

NSW Liberal Party
 Click here

Telemarketer prank
 Click here

Odder book titles make shortlist
 Click here

Why we'll never understand each other...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Strange Coincidences
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Audi
Would you believe, the driver of this Audi walked away from the accident.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

A selection
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

A cat named Lucky
 Click here

Do What ?????
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

With and without Make Up -
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Safety footwear
 Click here

Why I don't Surf
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

THESE ARE GOLD!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

A New Drug announced
 Click here

Whizzy bike/plane
 Click here Click here Click here

Photos of a snake caught on an electric fence at the Silent Valley Game
Ranch in South Africa. The snake had eaten an impala ewe and was trying to
go through the electric fence when it was killed by the electric fence.
 Click here Click here

The 3rd man in history to walk on water
 Click here

A picture is worth a 1000 words . . . !
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Stuff
 Click here Click here Click here

Some exercise for tomorrow morning?
 Click here

What makes a Dad proud and mortifies a Mum?
 Click here

Raving Granny!
 Click here

Dad! open the gate! mom is parking...
 Click here

Gravy
 Click here

Outsourcing
 Click here

This is funny!
 Click here

Bowling Bloopers
 Click here

Don't get drunk by the pool...
 Click here

Incredible Aviation Pictures
 Click here

Jet ski
 Click here

One With A Twist
 Click here

Blue Beauty
 Click here

Male stripper
 Click here

This is good
 Click here

Hungry?
 Click here

Stunner
 Click here

Unusual airplane shots
 Click here

The Human Brain
 Click here

Bloody Fairies
 Click here

LIVING IN A GARBAGE TRUCK.
 Click here

Ouch...
 Click here

Rarely Seen Shuttle Activities
 Click here

Foetal Development
 Click here

Faulty Printer
 Click here

Irish Maths Test
 Click here

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And now for those equally excellent text contributions from the anonymous
mob.


Play ball Pits - very scary stuff.

Read on McDonalds, Discovery Zone, Play Zones... (and check snopes.com
folks ;-)

Some of you might not be parents, but you may have nieces, nephews,
grandchildren or friends with children.
This will pertain to you too. As I read the following, my heart sank.
I urge each and every one of you to pass this on to as many people as you
can. I cannot stress how important this is!

This is very disturbing news. In addition to the following true story...

One son lost his watch, and was very upset. We dug and dug in those balls,
trying to find the watch. Instead, we found vomit, food,
faeces, and other stuff I do not want to discuss. I went to the manager and
raised hell.
Come to find out, the ball pit is only cleaned out once a month. I have
doubts that it is even done that often.

My kids will never play in another ball pit Now read this:

Hi. My name is Lauren Archer, my son Kevin and I lived in Midland, TN. On
October 2nd, 1999 I took my only son to McDonald's for his 3rd birthday.
After he finished lunch, I allowed him to play in the ball pit. When he
started whining later on, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to the
back of his pull-up and simply said "Mommy, it hurts." I couldn't find
anything wrong with him at that time. I bathed him when we got home, and
it was at that point when I found a welt on his left buttock. Upon
investigating, it seemed as if there was something like a splinter under
the welt. I made an appointment to see the doctor the next day, but soon
he started vomiting and shaking, then his eyes rolled back into his head.

From there, we went to the emergency room. He died later that night. It
turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle
that had broken off inside. The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a
heroine overdose. The next week, the police removed the balls from the ball
pit. There was rotten food, several hypodermic needles: some full, some
used knives,
half-eaten candy, diapers, faeces, and the stench of urine.

If a child is not safe in a child's play area then where?

You can find the article on Kevin Archer in the October 10,1999 issue of
the Midland Chronicle.

Don't think it's just McDonald's either or that this is something that just
started. When my oldest son who is now 9 was small the
Burger King closed their play area for awhile for "remodelling" because in
another town there had been an incident similar to the one described above
that happened at a Burger King. A little boy had been playing in a ball pit
& started complaining of his leg hurting.

He later died too.

He was found to have snake bites all over his legs & buttocks. When they
cleaned the ball pit they found that there was a copperhead nest in the
ball pit. He had suffered numerous bites from a very poisonous snake.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The hardware store

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he  sent
his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she
was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied,
"That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy,
and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on
the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The
person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving
in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He
exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and
skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to
the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't
flush!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]


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