Friday humour - February 23, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

To get into this email and onto the Friday Humour web page, the material
generally has to be funny, and as we all know, there can be funny - ha ha,
funny - unusual, and funny - peculiar. So anything that makes you laugh, is
unusual, or is weird, is fair material for here. But this week I think we
might have to make a new category. Funny - cringeworthy. You know, the
funny that makes you laugh nervously loud and want to be somewhere else.
There is one in this weeks that falls into this new category. See if you
can pick it (cringe).

My favourite for this week is:
 Click here

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Now onto the attributed text stuff.

From Burnout

Diary of a snow shoveler

December 8: 6:00 pm .
It started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalk.
This afternoon the snow plough came along and covered up the sidewalk and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment.
My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want
to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man.
I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway
and sidewalks.
This is the life!
The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning.
Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell!
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I
hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the dang stuff last night.
More shovelling.
Took all day.
Snowplough came by twice!
Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey.
I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out.
Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white
crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 30 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had
to pee.
By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel.
Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think the jerk is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today.
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts???
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through
the snow by his you know what!
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling,
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been.
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplough.

December 25;
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in.
The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil.
I hate the snow!
Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill
her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze!

December 28:
Warmed up to above -20.
Still snowed in.
THE WIFE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I've ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in.
The snow plough driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on
his head.
The wife went home to her mother.
9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shovelling.

January 8:
I feel so good.
I just love those little white pills they keep giving me, but I don't like
being tied to the bed.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wunderkind

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her
bedside, and said, "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?......."
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed......
"you mean it has a penis and a brain?  That doesn't happen often!"

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Don't step on the ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. 
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Little Catholic Humour

A Catholic priest and a nun  were taking a rare afternoon off, and enjoying
a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty
swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Sh^t, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Sh^t, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said
tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee,
he misses  again, and the usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you
dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Sh^t, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of
the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Sh^t, I missed"

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From Duke of Barsinov

Only a West Virginia man can make you feel like a woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm
going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane.
Then a man from West Virginia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

$ocial $ecurity $ex:
Two men were talking.  "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh,  nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor
every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the  shrink said, "that's  completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is,"  she complained, "it wakes me up!"

(Quiet sex)
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Confounded sex:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would  be $3,500 for
small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man  was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man  answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Wedding anniversary sex:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she  replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Women's humorous sex:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."
He was right.  When he went out of the  bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Elderly sex:
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old
husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing
him instantly.

Brought before  the court on  charge of murder, the judge asked her if she
had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly,
"Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could
fly."

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From Nottingham Smithie

London's Daily Telegraph reports on Saddam's death:
According to government spokesman Sami Al Askari, Saddam was asked whether
there was anything he wanted to say: "No, no," he replied. "Just do it." 
I wonder how much Nike paid for that product placement?

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bathroom etiquette

How to crap like a man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,
consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about
it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the bowl. *Repeat step 10 until there is no longer
any evidence of faeces on the paper.
11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use
it again later).
13. Wash your hands once.
14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man took his blond wife deer hunting for the first time. After he
explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of
information: "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right
away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own,
so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the freezer!"
So they departed to their deer stands and waited for some deer. Minutes
later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she
went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.
When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally
got up beside his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:
"Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my SADDLE off
YOUR DEER before you drag it away?!?!"

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob, were up in Valhalla, when
suddenly Thor said to Bob, "Bob, it's been a long time now. I REALLY need
to have sex..."
Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, oh Thor,
and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", and give her a bloody good
seeing to..."
And Thor did, and he saw that this was good...
The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous
night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It
was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..."
"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologize this instant!".
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute,
saying.. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm
Thor..."
"You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the girl. "You're Thor?!?... I can't even
pith!!!"

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.
A fart can create
A most curious medley.
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.
A fart can occur In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of Us sooner or later.
But that all farts are bad,
Can simply not be,
So please don't forget,
Sweet old farts like me.

"FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE" (From A to Z) (I don't personally agree with
all of this, but it is humorous)
A. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
B. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
C. Colt: The original point and click interface.
D. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
E. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
F. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
G. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
H. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
I. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
J. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
K. What part of "Shall Not Be Infringed" do you not understand?
L. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
M. (64,999,987) firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
N. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Liberals.
O. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
P. You don't shoot to kill; You Shoot To Stay Alive!
Q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
R. Assault is a behaviour, not a device.
S. Criminals and Politicians love gun control - It Makes Their Jobs  Safer!
T. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
U. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control  them.
V. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
W. Enforce the "laws" we have, don't make more.
X. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
Y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
Z. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with
the basic questions. "How much do you weigh?" the nurse asks.
"115," the woman replies.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

When the gynaecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Judy
got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a 
blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are
delivered."
"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all
that different from how the baby got started in the first place."
Startled, Judy exclaimed, "You mean twice around the park with my legs
hanging out of the cab?"

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided
to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped
off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when
her goddammed husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the
bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails! Dare not even
look down!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went
on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned if the lazy son of a
bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head!"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood".
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to
listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband
tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My forehead!"
"Damn, that's really a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband
had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken,
so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose, right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day"
"Yeah yeah, yeah", the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY
REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only six inches off the
ground!"

It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking
auto-erotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus.
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one
of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way
but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way. In his pain and
panic, he dialled 9-1-1.
The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to
chew your food better."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Oversized Brothers

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of
them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason
for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it
came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she
could."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wait for it:
2 make it stand - u wet it 2 make it wet  -u suck it 2 make it stiff - u
lick it  > 2 get it in - u push it
Damn threading a needle when u get older it's  NO JOKE

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A survey by the Family Planning Association...............

This week a survey by the Family Planning Association discovered a worrying
lack of knowledge about sex among adults, with a third believing douching,
urinating or vigorous exercise would prevent pregnancy. The latter is a
particularly strange notion because it suggests that a sizeable minority
of fuckwits has unprotected sex, then, instead of a post-coital cuddle or
a fag, go out for a game of squash. But what other myths about sex need to
be dispelled?

1) When performing an agonisingly rough hand job, the contorted expression
on your boyfriend's face is *not* one of sexual ecstasy.

2) Contrary to the view promulgated by 'gonzo' porn made by the likes of
'Ben Dover' (real name Randy Spunkhole), approaching random
'MILFs' in the  street/supermarket/their suburban homes will *not* lead to
sex, unless by some incredible coincidence they also happen to be
professional porn actresses who will fuck for money. (A tiny clue that
they might be porn actresses is the fact that 'bored housewives' are
invariably plastered with tattoos and have large silicone tits.)

3) As humorously pointed out in the French & Saunders sketch, individual
sperm do *not* look like fish that shoot out of a man's penis and flap
about. They actually look like Woody Allen.

4) Contrary to the received wisdom of the ancient joke, the perfect man
does *not* turn into a pizza after sex. In a little-reported case from
Venezuela in 1974, Pablo Cortez, 22, a young doctor with a promising
career ahead of him, did indeed turn into a pizza on his wedding night as
a result of suffering from a rare, undiagnosed medical condition called
Hypo-allergenic Vaginismus Fiorentina
Syndrome, in which sufferers have an allergic reaction to vaginal fluid
that alters their genetic structure, causing their body to mutate into a
dough-like disc and their internal organs to extrude and atrophy, roughly
resembling anchovies and olives. After seeing the man she loved turn into
a hideous freak of nature, Cortez's young bride was left psychologically
traumatised and spent the rest of her life in mental institutions. So
think on that, ladies.

5) Fruit-flavoured condoms do *not* constitute one of your five recommended
daily portions of fruit and vegetables. (Nor does semen have anti-ageing
properties similar to face cream, whatever your boyfriend might claim.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Stonefish

Announcement from Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in womenıs breast implants.
The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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From Zalaga

The Fart Chart
1.. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
2.. AMIABLE : Likes to smell  others' farts
3.. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
4.. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
5.. ATHLETIC : Jumps  in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3
times
6.. BEWILDERED : Can't  tell his own fart from others
7.. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
8.. CARELESS : Farts in church
9.. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
10.. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
11.. CONCEITED : Thinks he can  fart the loudest
12.. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell  which way to
go
13.. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you  were eating
14.. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his  wife's head
15.. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
16.. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
17.. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they  are his own
18.. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about  the
pollution
19.. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
20.. FRESH GUY :  Jumps in front of you and then farts
21.. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies  fart
22.. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
23.. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
24.. LAZY : Just fizzles
25.. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
26.. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
27.. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell,  smells like shit and sounds
like hell
28.. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a  fart
29.. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
30.. SADIST  : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
31.. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his  farts
32.. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
33.. SHY : Blushes  when he farts silently
34.. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
35.. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
36.. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it  on the dog
37.. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole
38.. STRATEGIC :  Conceals his fart by loud laughter
39.. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in  reserve
40.. TIMID : Jumps when he farts
41.. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart  but shits himself
42.. VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own  fart
43.. WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
44.. WISE GUY : Farts  and asks who shit

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Coma

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.  Nurses were in her
room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable
movement. They went to her husband and explained what  happened,
telling him,

"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and it
might bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains
for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses ran into the room.

"What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This week's multimedia stuff is presented by Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Croydon Caz, Duke of Barsinov, Moose, Nottingham Smithie,
Stonefish, Whizzbang, Zalaga

First up the NHH.

Don't pick a fight with this guy
 Click here

The march of the Emperors
 Click here

Skydiver survives from 12 000ft
 Click here

The Nigerian Scam!
 Click here

What happened on your Birthday
 Click here

If you think you can ride a bike!!
 Click here

And now our own stuff.

Marine Biology
 Click here

Sailing Home
 Click here

Carry money when travelling on Greek Roads.
 Click here

Our planet.....Well some of it
 Click here

Two tone
 Click here

Dangers lurking in a messy bachelor's apartment...
 Click here

Mills & Boon
 Click here

The answers you wished you gave
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
(and my second favourite for this week)
 Click here

Real winter
 Click here

Computer things
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Medics... OMG
 Click here

Fabulous sunsets
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bible
 Click here

An important rule not to be forgotten - when you go to the beach, never rub
suntan lotion on someone whom you do not know
 Click here Click here

Honesty is the best policy in Bunbury
 Click here Click here

A really big engine, suitable for small cars
 Click here

Don't Jump
 Click here

Difference between Camel Toe and Moose Knuckle
 Click here Click here

Most expensive shoes: 1 million pounds
Would you feel like a princess or what when you wear something worth 1m
pounds? The most expensive shoes in the world were on sale at Harrods in
London. After a photo-call for the press, the shoes were locked away in a
bullet-proof case where they will be guarded round-the-clock. The shoes,
inspired by the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz, were woven from
platinum thread and set with 642 rubies. They were designed by Stuart
Weitzman.
 Click here

Most expensive hair cut: 1,925 pounds
If you want London stylist Lee Stafford to cut your hair, make sure you are
extra loaded. He calls it a "couture cut". And the only place where you can
get one is his house. Champagne, hors d'oeuvres and a follow-up trim as
part of the package.
 Click here

Most expensive house: 70 million pounds
This one is hardly a secret: The infamously lavish new estate in England
known as Updown Court in Windlesham, north Surrey . 103 rooms, 58 acres, a
private helipad, five swimming pools. Forbes.com put the mansion at the top
of its list of "the priciest residences on the planet" which are for sale.
 Click here

Most expensive tea bag: 7,500 pounds
To celebrate PG Tips 75th birthday, Boodles jewelers produced this tea bag.
It took three months to make and has been hand-crafted using 280 diamonds.
Pete Harbour, spokesman for PG Tips has been quoted: "As it's our 75th
birthday, we wanted to do something special to remind people just how much
they love the great British cup of tea."
 Click here

Most expensive jeans: Over $ 4,000
They wanted to be "the Mercedes-Benz, the Maybach of the denim industry".
And APO jeans have done just that with a pair costing as much as $ 4,000
or more. They offer mens and ladies jeans with Silver Buttons and Rivets
at $1,000, 14k White or Yellow Gold Button and Rivets at $1,500, Platinum
Button and Rivets at $3,250, and the Diamond Button and Rivets start at
$4,000. All Jeans will come with Authenticity Number as well as an
Appraisal Sheet from a top Jeweller in the NY diamond district. Of course,
you could buy the economy version: they run only $1,000 a pair. APO jeans
are constructed from denim woven in India that costs $40 a yard, compared
with the $2- to $3-per-yard cost of materials for most designer denim.
Buttons and rivets are made with precious metals or, if a customer is
willing to shell out $4,000 or more, up to a dozen white diamonds on the
main button.
 Click here

Most expensive watch: $11 million
One of the most complicated watches ever made, it also became the most
expensive watch ever sold when it was hammered down for $11 million at
Sotheby's. The gold pocket watch features 24 complications, (Complications
are mechanical functions of the watch other than the hours, minutes and
seconds.)
 Click here

Most expensive phone: 28,000 pounds
Peter Aloisson, who makes phones covered in gold and diamonds for affluent
clients, is the man responsible for making the most expensive phone ever.
It costs more than a BMW 3-series convertible, or a Jaguar S-Type. A
Motorola covered in 1200 diamonds and featuring a keyboard soaked in
18-carat gold, the phone is priced at 28, 000 pound sterling. The new
phone beat the previous record held by another Aloisson 'Diamante' phone -
an identical model featuring a paltry 950 diamonds laid into the gold
bodywork. That phone retailed for 23, 000 pound sterling. "The people who
buy my phones don't have to worry about security - they all have
bodyguards," he told UK tabloid The Sun.
 Click here

Most expensive nail polish: $250
How special could you feel by wearing sheer nail polish that has platinum
dust in it? And how many people would be mad enough to do that? Many! The
'I Do' polish, the most expensive in the world, is a collaboration by
Allure magazine, platinum supplier Johnson
Matthey, PGI and Essie Cosmetics. The polish costs $250 per bottle.
However, the first bottle was displayed in special bottle made with a
platinum top and base that is valued at $55,000.
 Click here

Most expensive tie: 1 crore
When fully dressed Salman Khan paraded on a red ramp displaying the most
expensive tie in the world, the picture was splashed all over the globe.
The tie, studded with 261 diamonds of 77 carat each and made of pure silk
with 150 grams of gold, is priced at a whopping Rs 1 crore. It is designed
by Satya Paul and the Suashish Diamond group.
 Click here

Most expensive perfume: 47,500 pounds
At 47,500 pound sterling, it is the world's most expensive perfume. Indeed,
the best things come in small packages. The fragrance,
created by renowned British perfumer Arthur Burnham, is held in a 4 in
bottle made with platinum, 24 carat gold, rubies and diamonds. Encasing
the bottle is a very special box constructed by Rolls-Royce coach
builders, locked with a gold and jewel-studded key. Inspired by the
Rolls-Royce Phantom Six, it is called Parfum VI. Who pays pounds 47,500
for a bottle of perfume? Michael
Jackson has ordered two and Mike Tyson three. Only 173 are being made.
 Click here

Most expensive pen: $265,000
Swiss company Caran d'Ache made 'La Modernista Diamonds' a pen that was
sold in Harrods, London , for $265,000. Created in memory of architect
Antonio Gaudi, the rhodium-coated solid silver pen has an 18-karat gold
pen point and is pave-set with 5,072 diamonds and 96 half-cut rubies.
 Click here

Most expensive work of art: $104 million
A masterpiece by Pablo Picasso, painted in 1905 when he was just 24 years
old, became the most expensive piece of art ever sold when it went under
the hammer at Sotheby's in New York for $104m. The painting, Garcon a la
Pipe (Boy with a Pipe) is one of the most important early works by the
artist ever to appear on the market.
 Click here

Most expensive truffle: 28,000 pounds for 1.88 lbs
An expensive little Italian restaurant in Knightsbridge, Zafferano bought
the most expensive truffle in the world. For how much?
Just take a deep breath! Zefferano paid 28,000 for just 1.88 lbs of Italian
white truffle during a charity auction in Tuscany.
 Click here

Miscommunication
 Click here

Stress at Work
 Click here

Funny Pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

This will make you smile
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Photos of Niagara Falls when it is REALLY cold
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Actual Proof of Global Warming
 Click here

How Old Is The World's Oldest Stripper? (SERIOUSLY GROSS!)
 Click here

Curry in the air
 Click here

Bird Flu advice
 Click here

And you thought ear piercing was bad
 Click here

Run on flat
 Click here

And they say Aussies aren't cultured
 Click here

I got my new glasses today
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Life's Great Mysteries
 Click here

Belly Button Jewellery
 Click here

What are you doing this weekend....?
 Click here Click here

Trained bird...
 Click here

Directions wont help
 Click here

Happiness
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And now for the unattributed text stuff.

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you
like".
The Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays like Jimmy Hendrix.
The Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.
The Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes... The octopus fumbles about for
a few minutes and the Scotsman says "What's wrong - can ye no play It?".
The octopus says "Play it? - I'm gonna f*ck her brains out once I get her
pyjamas off!".

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Men Jokes!

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever .

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the
ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions ..

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
     intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I
bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the
same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger than
your brother's".

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullsh*it with
his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're
a United States Senator from New York running for
President of the United States. Act like one.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On a recent episode of  "Wait, Wait, don't tell me" on NPR, the story went
out that the Scottish Regiment in Iraq was suffering an equipment
shortage, too: they had only 300 dress kilts for the entire regiment, thus
making it impossible for them to dress properly for parades.

At that point, one of the panellists muttered, "Why do Scottish shepherds
wear kilts?  Because zippers startle the sheep".

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion
to his ability to actually do the work involved.

Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.

The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly
it is needed.

The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car
garage.

Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV
remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside
temperature.

The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling
showers.

What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A. "HumpMe DumpMe"

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's the right place to wash vegetables.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

Q. How does a blonde part her hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My wife and I were having serious difficulties in our marriage.  I came
home from work one day, and she said, "We need to talk."

She said, "Our sex life is in a lot of trouble."

I replied, "Yes it is."

She said to me, "Please, tell me all your sexual fantasies."

And my answer to her was, "Why, you're not in any of them."

With that she went to divorce court.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The seamstress
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set
with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress
replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed
with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied,
"Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with
Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my
husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord,
I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all
three husbands, so THAT'S why
I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

              Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]


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