Friday humour - February 16, 2007


G'day from Deano at Bluehaze,

My favourite contribution this week is a topical one (here in Oz) sent in
by Anonymous:


A. Her Story

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at the pub for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I had promised -
but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought that we would go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny . I tried to
cheer him up, and wondered whether it was me or something else. I asked
him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway - in the car on the way home I told him that I loved him deeply,
and he just put his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means
because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. This really worries
me.

We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I
tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV,
and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to day that it's all
over between us.
Reluctantly, I said that I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes he joined me, and to my surprise , he responded to my advances and
we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to confront him - but I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think that he is
seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.


B. His Story

Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.


Truckloads of stuff this week. Here is the written stuff sent in by
Maayan, Kevin in sunny Adelaide, Stonefish, Croydon Caz, KRP from Coffs
Harbour ,Cartographer Chris, Zalaga in the UK, Moose, Digi
Maria, Nottingham Smithie , Burnout, Castlehill Books Mob, Whizzbang and
Anonymous.


Rat For Sale
A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he
noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price
tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it
to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for
the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man
gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be
bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him
down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him
grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot
towards the Harbour. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats
numbered in the thousands, maybe in the Millions and they were all
squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified he ran to
the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbour
as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water
after it, and were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha,"
said the owner, "You're bringing it back!" "Actually no" said the man. "I
came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Muslim over
there."


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Truckie joke

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing
in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill,
rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as
much as I can do. So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off.
A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man the
middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window
and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is
"I'm red, I'm from  Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty" the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as
can do."  He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A
little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of
the road. Really annoyed now, he stops,
rolls down the window and snaps  "Yes," you silly little blue queer, what f
*cking planet are you from and what do you want?"
And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please..."


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Revenge

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know
when we could come and get her.
My husband, (the complainer) said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks.
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband
El-Cheap-O'. My husband calls him 'El-Take-0'. They love to hate each
other.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which is
located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people
waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally
clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And, by the way, I think
she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he quietly closed the
door.

Now that's revenge!


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Drunken vocabulary

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk.
1 - Innovative 2 - Preliminary 3 - Proliferation 4 - Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk.
1 - Specificity 2 - British constitution 3 - Passive-aggressive disorder 4
- Transubstantiate

Things which are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk 1 - Thanks for the offer, but
I don't want to sleep with you.
2 - Nope, no more booze for me.
3 - No kebab for me, thank you.
4 - Sorry, but you're not really my type.
5 - Look mate, I've told you, I'm not interested in a fight.
6 - No way, I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing.
7 - Thanks for asking, but I don't want to dance. I have no coordination
and hate to make a fool of myself.
8 - Where is the nearest public lavatory? I absolutely refuse to pee in the
street.
9 - I must be going now as I have work in the morning.


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One liners
TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

4. I went to the butchers and I bet him 50 that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.

8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

10. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."

11. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look a him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

13. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night


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Chinese Doctor
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
Condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion." The
doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery
is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The
Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always
want to opelate. Make more money that way.
No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by
itself!


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Genie
Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he
had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches
long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
"Vell,"replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
Ya, shure. He's right dere in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Will you grant me vun vish?"
Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with
the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimmny I
asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"


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After nearly forty years in practice as a gynaecologist, John decided he
had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.
He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to
complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.
Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other
hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when
the exam scores would be returned.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150%
for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this
well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car
engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine". But
I thought you deserved an additional 50% for having done all of it through
the muffler."


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."


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A man wakes up in hospital after major surgery. The doctor tells him that
the bad news is that he's had his penis removed, but there's also some
good news. They can now graft on a new penis of whatever size he wishes,
but it costs a 1000 per inch, so 4 inches =&34000, 9 inches =&39000 etc.
However before deciding the doctor informs the guy he needs to talk it over
with his wife. For arguments sake she might only want him to restore his
original manhood and  might not be comfortable with 9,10 or even 12
inches! And of course there are the costs involved.
So a week later the guy comes back to see the doctor to inform him of the
discussion. "So", asks the doctor, "have you and your wife reached an
agreement on what's to happen?" "Yes", replies the man forlornly - "We're
having a fitted kitchen"


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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things,
but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him
to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more
sex and is completely  raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will
then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for
another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he
showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,
cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic
stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"


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My policy
WATER It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.

WINE We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop WINE = HEALTH
FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK WINE

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water and be
full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it
as a public service and because I have a kind heart.


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I OWE MY MOTHER BECAUSE:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just ...... like
....... you


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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's
time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the
Principal!"


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Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh,
I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is
almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it." So he
flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping
from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth
full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I fucking didn't."


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Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in the arms of another man. The husband pulled out a
gun and held it to the naked man's head.
His wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette
I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club
membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a
cold."


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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner 'Mom & Pop' grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had
a lot of laundry to do.
'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.'
'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.'
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing
his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
'Oh, he died,' the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog
died but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your
dog.'
'Well,' the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed
him.'
'Oh? What was it then?'
'I think it was the spin cycle.'


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On his honeymoon, Todd insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking
the sea.
On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the
bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.
"Todd, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to
savour for the first time," she says coyly.
"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.
So his bride sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which
she invited Todd once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of
her virginal body. Once more he refused.
Eventually she grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and
fell asleep.
In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.
"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been
making love all night?" she asked.
"Well my dad said the first night of my marriage would be the most
beautiful night of my whole life and I didn't want to miss a moment of
it."


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The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an Irish
lass, straight out of the country.
The first day she was dusting in the Smoking Room where the Master of the
house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl
containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not
bashful, asked, "What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf Balls."
She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.
A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master
was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only
now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another Golf."


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There was a old man from Leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds great tuffs
of grass shot out of his arse and his cock was covered in weeds.

There once was the plumber from Leigh was plumbing his maid by the sea said
the maid: stop plumbing
I hear someone coming said the plumber, still plumbing, its me

There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you.

There was a young man from Pitlochry,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said look you've cum,
all over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.

There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.


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Picture the scene
You're driving along, your young niece is in the car with you. She's
somewhere between four and eight, let's say. Suddenly, she turns to you,
innocent eyes all wide and pleading and she says to you, 'Aunty, what's a
vagina?' What do you do?
Well, if you're an ordinary human being, you might say something like,
'Vagina is another word for "toot-toot", darling. You know,
your front bottom. Your twinkle. Your mooey. Your milly. Your baby-minge.
Come on, get with the programme. What are you, a retard?'

However, if you're a repressed sex-fearing fuckwit, you might well blanch
at the very presence of a private part in the mouth of a child. You might
consider it wrong. You might wonder why your young niece is asking you
such a vile, godless question. Well, this week the above scene actually
took place. In Florida. Aaah, Florida. Perhaps the most repressed state in
the entire Union. Sadly,
the question was asked not of a normal healthy human being, but of a vile,
shrieking prude.

What prompted the question was a local production of a popular play. 'The
Vagina Monologues'. The little girl, looking out of the car window,
noticed the theatre awning, read the name of the play and expressed her
curiosity. Her natural, wonderful,
life-affirming curiosity. In response, her aunt did what any pointless
braindead fucking scum-sucking shit-headed arsehat would. She immediately
phoned the theatre to complain.

In any other place, the theatre would have told her to stick her complaint
in her @#&*. In Florida, the name of the play was changed.

It's now called 'The Hoohaa Monologues'.

Florida. Fucking Florida. It's enough to make you just lie down in a hotel
room and die.


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Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son,
let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so
let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so
we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so
we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working
Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to
find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his
parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to
the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."


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Christmas Divorce
A man in Adelaide calls his son in Brisbane the day before Christmas and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Perth and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Adelaide immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


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Harvard test... ... take the test..

Take a few minutes to try this, you may be surprised by the results.

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without
a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top


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The hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Kings Cross and a knockout-looking
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of
money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that pub on the corner?" "Yes."
"Do you see the pub about a block further down?" "Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third pub ?" "Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them
because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.! I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500. He is so  amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job
is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that
casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
because I give a  blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put
off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Sydney is laid out before us,
all those beautiful lights,  hotels, and office buildings?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."


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Those dumb yankees

All the quotes below are from real American Law Court proceedings
(Allegedly)

1. Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

2. Attorney; What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
A: What year?
W: Every year.

3. Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass your law exams?

4. Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
A: How many were boys?
W: None.
A: Were there any girls?

5. Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead persons?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

6. Attorney: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
Witness: Oral.

And finally,

7. Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Er..............


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Blond Curtains

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection
of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of
curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."
The blond says, "HELLooooooo... I've got Windows."


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And now to the visual stuff with lots of great contributions sent in by
Anonymous, KRP from Coffs Harbour , Croydon Caz, Whizzbang,
Muse, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Maayan, Rudolf from the West, Nottingham
Smithie, Swinburne Sue, and Moose:


Anna Nicole Smith
 Click here

Motivational posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

School Photograph
 Click here

Activist
 Click here

Melbourne's trains
 Click here


Valentines you dont want
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

T-Shirts Women will hate
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

FW: FW:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Photographer
 Click here

Why the ice-cream man got fired...
 Click here

Ultimate piercing...
The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...
Men all over the country are urging their wives to get this 'chic'
procedure.
The going rate now exceeds $10,000.
Many men feel it is worth it.
 Click here

Close up picture of a seahorse (Incredible) Amazing photography
 Click here

If a stranger offers you a lolly, just say NO!
 Click here

Priceless
 Click here


As they would say in China " Pretty Handy"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Beary cute :-)
 Click here

Big fish! Read the text first!
Now this is a fish!
An Oregon Guppy.
It had to go back into the river.
It was too big to keep.
We can only keep them between 39 and 72 inches long.
They are wonderful eating and are best smoked.
This Sturgeon was caught on the Willamette River just below Oregon City two
weeks ago.
It weighed out at over 1,000 lbs and measured out at 11'1".
It was 56" around the girth and took over 6 and a half hours And 4 dozen
beers for the 4 guys taking turns reeling.
 Click here

8th Dwarf
 Click here

Just a couple of pics........
 Click here Click here

It's made of WHAT?!?
 Click here Click here

Some pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

80's versus 2006
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Heart Attack Slide Show - Worth 45 Seconds of Your Time.....
 Click here

Latest stretch limo
 Click here

Where there's a will...
 Click here
Ahhh... aren't cats funny!

Rio celebrates
 Click here

Workplace Dangers
 Click here


Dream Team 2006 xxxxx
WARNING: a little bit naughty!!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

Canadian Beaver
 Click here

FW: Baby Names -
 Click here

Red Necks
 Click here

Eye Test
 Click here
Did you pass or did you fail??

Why Men Shouldn't Buy Their Own Underwear
 Click here

Psycho rabbit
 Click here

Red Crabs - OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Click here
And you think I'm crabby?

Knee in My Package
 Click here
Don't know what your taxes are like, but this is it for us...

Farting Music - Beethoven
For your enjoyment may I present a little known classical piece, The
vindaloo gaseous emission symphony.
 Click here

Subtitle
 Click here

The correct way to answer the door
 Click here

Choppers air travel tips
 Click here

Saudi sandals (this is funny!!) Don't try this at home
 Click here

Animation vs. Animator- II
 Click here

Necesito Un portero (translated from spanish is "I need a doorman")
 Click here

Those who enjoy watching grass grow, they now can enjoy watching mould grow
on cheese...
 Click here

The amazing Coelacanth, the 400 million year old "living fossil" fish
 Click here


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And now back to the written stuff with lots of good stuff from Anonymous..


As I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy,
look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat
them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the
bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"


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Hillbilly Dayvorce

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John
Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both gets up at 4:30."
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Golf handicap
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and
wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the
nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked
the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a
bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since
I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a
caddy.
"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his
handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle.
Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the
left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his
ball into the trees.
He found his ball and was about to punch it out, when he heard the loud
crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.
The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I
was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the
businessman's' ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up
his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a
huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the
caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The
businessman's' ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the
edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the
lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water
and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and
in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side,
looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man
incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you
don't get a shot here."

That's why you never lie about your handicap.


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If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your boobs, do not show him  your boobs.

This is a scam, he only wants to see your boobs.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed,
An Annonymous Blonde


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There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the
next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!!"


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A 17 year-old blonde dude was hired to paint a white line down the middle
of the highway...
On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7
miles long!
The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long.
On the third day, he was down to less than a mile!
Finally, his supervisor approached him to ask why he was getting less and
less productive each day.
The topsy teen replied, "It takes me longer and longer to get back to the
paint bucket!"


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and  his wife didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a large  firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to his ear and count to
10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that is all for this week folks.  Keep the contributions coming.



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[ End friday humour ]


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