Friday humour - February 09, 2007

[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


What a strange time we live in.

Since the 1950s Australia had been through a wonderful era welcoming people
from all corners of the world.  This has enriched our nation.

We now find our Man of Steel determined to divide us and conquer us ...
again.  His latest effort is to rename the Immigration and Multicultural
Affairs Department to Immigration and Citizenship.

And to demonstrate his divisive stance he's insisting on a citizenship
which will include an English exam and apparently a test of "Aussie

An interesting concept from someone not worried about deporting an Aussie
citizen, locking up asylum seekers in tin-pot pacific islands with no
recourse to the law, not worrying about government officials' part in the
AWB Wheat for Weapons fiasco, or a fair and timely trial for David Hicks
locked in "single accommodation" (not solitary confinement) at Guantanamo

Indeed with values like these, perhaps some of our future immigrants may be
able to teach us a lesson or two.  Many have in the past, winning several
national awards.  They wouldn't have become citizens with a test like
Howard proposes.

But I suppose the Lying Rodent's scare campaigns have worked before.
There's no reason they won't work again.

It's just such a shame that we have a leader who will lead us into
blindness.  And stuff all on the fringes who are left to suffer.

Hey!  I'm alright Jack.  Why should I worry?


First up a couple from Caz in Croydon, UK

                                    Girls Biker Bar.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile,
he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times." 


                               George and the kids

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when half of all Americans
don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right ... It's
question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
his name.

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans
don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the fuck happened to Stanley?"


Burnout sent this in

                                      Shark Fishing

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean, for
some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at the Whakatane Heads in
his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless
man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a Waka (Canoe) came cruzin up with two men
wearing All Black jerseys. Kora quickly threw a harpoon into the shark`s
side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and
Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa beat the
shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was
some bitter hatred between NZ and Australia, but now I have seen with my
own eyes that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa "Who the bloody hell was that

"That was the Pope mate," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact with God
bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," Kora said "he may have access to God's wisdom but the prick don't
know Jack Shit about shark fishing......... is the bait holding up okay or
do we need to get another Aussie?"


And from Stonefish


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing To
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in pain;
they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns To his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make Them laugh.
No pun in ten did.


This from Cartographer Chris

                    Hallmark writers are having a bad day ...

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I 've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay


These from Moose

                                      The diagnosis

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I
suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's
a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five quid ..... a lot quicker and better
than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat,
and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to
Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better ...


A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."

The woman says..... "I'll miss you."


                        |^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
                        | CHARDONNAY | ||'""|""\__,_
                        | _____________ l ||__|__|___|)


1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as


A couple from Digi Maria

                                        Little Tony

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are
sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to
talk to you!!"


                           Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate
is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a
water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A
five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act
of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with
a pocket knife. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


This from KRP from Beautiful Coffs Harbour

                                          Big Day

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for
Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks "Is that the day when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

“Oh” says the Catholic girl, "Is Rosh Hashanah when you eat unleavened

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the day
we blow the shofar."

"That's wonderful”, says the Catholic girl; “Jewish people are just so good
to their employees."


                           THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to
find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.


Here's a selection from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                           Top Four Adult Jokes of 2006

Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his
elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."

Third Place: One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you
didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what
happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle
slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years
ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the
old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty
years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"
the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied
Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


                                      Hold That Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"


"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn


                                       Poor Rover

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The
mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."  Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


                                       Happy babe

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the
ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is
smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out
the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy
children and ours is so happy?"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when
we take the pacifier out of his ass".


Some stuff from Whizzbang

                                    My Dad's a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his
collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


                                  What's in a name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked "Beertits."


                                  The Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes
off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous, petite blonde
walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him
to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him
to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within seconds a huge, hairy man
lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the
hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where the smiling, naked
receptionist greets him. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yelps, "Here's my membership card, Can I have my car keys back
please and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!  The rules don't favor my age
group, I'm outta here."


This weeks pics are from Mad Mick of Marwick, Whizzbang, The Duke of
Barsinov, Swinburne Sue, Nottingham Smithie, Muse from London Canada, KRP,
Burnout, Moose, Biggus aka Fifi, Zalaga, Croydon Caz, Sharon and David, BT,
and Digi Maria,

From Croydon Caz

Why kids need pets
 Click here

Runaway - Crackin!!
 Click here

On the wall
 Click here

Magic mirror
 Click here

From Biggus

The Knack.  Its an engineering disease
 Click here

From Digi Maria

Live birth under water [for medical professionals only]
 Click here

From Mad Mick from Marwick

Hi Guys,
One from my UK group of Humourite readers for inclusion I hope.
Please thank everybody concerned for not only keeping going the Friday
Humour, but expanding it to exciting territories.
I seem to be taking on more and more part time work and cannot always do
justice to making contributions, but I am always so very grateful to
receive the wonderful contributions all the other members make.
 Click here

From Sharon and David

Need an electrician?
 Click here Click here Click here

Table for sale on Ebay
 Click here

From: Cartographer Chris

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Big Brother is watching
 Click here

Here's the story.
A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in a neighbourhood in Utah. He had a
beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the
lot  below his house and built.
Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would
allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make
sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.
Mark and his new neighbour had some great arguments about this as you can
imagine - not great feelings.
The new neighbour had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new
neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't
like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.
When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what  they
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Let's do lunch?
 Click here

From Moose

Approved International Symbol of Marriage
 Click here

Vaccuum Packaging
 Click here

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From the Duke

Top 10 women drivers of the year
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Passport control
 Click here

From KRP at Coffs

 Click here

From Smithie of Nottingham

USS New York
It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center .
It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that
include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360
sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters
and assault craft.
Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, LA
to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on Sept.
9, 2003, "those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence,"
recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. "It was a spiritual
Moment for everybody there."
Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center
steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the "hair on my neck
stood up." "It had a big meaning to it for all of us," he said. "They
knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back."
The ship's motto?  ... "Never Forget"
 Click here

Checking The Merchandise

 Click here

The National Roads Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly
designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much
as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is
illustrated below......

 Click here

How does this work
 Click here

Check this out
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From Bart's Tart

Flash horse
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From Whizzbang

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2007 Calander for girls
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The usual unusual photos that are unusual
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A few pics
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Cat Bowling
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FHM Calendar 2007
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From Zalaga

Some cool pics from space
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From Burnout

Good advice for police
 Click here

From Swinburne Sue

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From Muse

Dirt solutions
 Click here

The Dolly Parton jack
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Never trust a bloke who ...
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Cleaning Up My E-mail
Hi Everybody,
It's a new year, a new beginning, and I want to tell you right up front,
that I have so had enough of all the pictures of young, half-naked young
girls in disgusting poses, and all the other porno crap. If we don't stop
this, everybody will think we all are sex obsessed. So from now on I am
only sending you pictures of old monuments, nature and other cultural
sights which are healthy and educational for your mind.
As a start, here is a picture of the bridge "Pont Neuf" in Toulouse,
Isn't it beautiful?
 Click here


Here's some from Zalaga (also of Nottingham)


Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way, they
stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name,' Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. I'm the one
with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out
the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his
hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her flap jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him
take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.

He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment
as she let out a scream of Turkish delight, When he pulled out, his fun
Mars bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, he needed Time Out, and
however, he noticed her pink Wafers looked very appetizing.

He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Fountain and finished off by
giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to
his wife, Caramel.

Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had
been with All Sorts!


                                        Ask a Pro

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing
her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back
in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where?", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is probably too wide."


                                       The Arrival

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess
one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the
delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a
self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male "


Here's a classic from Chris (SOB) in Scotland

       (Supposedly a funny written by former Python, John Cleese)

                         BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix ise.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up vocabulary).

4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

5. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'U and the elimination of -ize.

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July
4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent.

8. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect.

12. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

13. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)--roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.

An internal revenue agent (i. e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


A sickie from Trina

                                Investment tips for 2007 ...

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch
for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become: Zip Audi DoDa.

5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell

7.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: T i
t t y T i t t y Bang Bang


Finally some stuff from Stephen, the Joker

                                    The Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride
slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled
down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"


                                     Last gesture

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Just do something nice for dad in
my name and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next month, he got
another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental

However, bills for $200 kept arriving each month, and finally the man
called his brother again to find out what was going on...

"Well," said his befuddled blonde brother, "you said to do something nice
for dad, so I rented him a tuxedo!"



John:  "So how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Jim:  "Oh, four or five times a week."

John: "That's more often than I get it!"

Jim: "Well, it should be... after all, she's *my* wife."


Quote of the Week:

        "Monopolies are a terrible thing, unless you have one."



[ End friday humour ]

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