Friday humour - January 19, 2007


[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Right up to the November 7 US elections King George, President of the Free
World, kept assuring us that America was winning the war in Iraq.

Bush keeps maintaining that he believes in democracy and wants to spread
his version across the globe.  He described the Democrats win as a
thumping -
yet still doesn't listen to his people.  He commissioned an Iraq survey
report and still doesn't listen to his experts.

He's finally admitted that he should accept responsibly for all the
failures in Iraq.  But how?  Will he go before the International Court in
the Hague?
Not bloody likely!

He's decided to waste more money and cause further maiming death and
destruction in the sovereign state that he illegally invaded on a pack of
lies.

He's increasing his troop numbers by 16.6%, but never fear - it's not an
escalation ... it's just a surge (albeit with no ending date in sight).

May God help us all.


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First up are these from Stephen the Joker

                                         Sex Talk

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the
basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

S: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation.
For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the
other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over
again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one
bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over
your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."


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                                        Quick Sale

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars.

A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?"
he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he
asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."


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                                       Dark Deeds

In a train carriage there were Bill Clinton, George W Bush, a spectacular
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.  When they leave the tunnel,
Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have
slapped his face."

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by
mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack
Clinton again."


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Some stuff from Burnout

                                   Cuddles on Safari

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old
poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on
the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the
old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder
if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's
that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill!  Baloney and brilliance only come with age and experience.


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                              My New Years resolution

               Life is a waste of time,
               Time is a waste of life,
               Stay wasted all the time,
               And have the time of your life!


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These came in from Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                               Rugby World Cup 2007

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to
motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other
nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
following pre-match displays:

A.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air
and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented
the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone
still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

B.. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing
an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

C.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing
a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

D.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion
following representations from the RSPCA.

E.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territoryclaim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly
removed by the match stewards.

F.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they
claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

G.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years
they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No. 8 Lyle'.

H.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest
of the team to ransom.

I.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female
stewards and then run away.

J.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and
then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will
then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their
appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

K.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at
high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a
subsidy from the UK Government).

L.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight
of
Wales!) and burn the officials.

M.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come
and live with them in Shepherds Bush."


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                                  Noisy Neighbours

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the
Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence in his first year there.
After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt
carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked."Mother,".

He replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps
banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other
side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing
my bagpipes!"


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                                         Quickies

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her
family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for
herself.
The next day her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better
of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her
husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's
day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his
wife. Delighted, she opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning
of dreams".


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These arrived from the Duke of Barsinov

                                      Girlfriend 1.0.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower
and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
  _  _  _

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband
1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and execute Tears 6.2,
which should automatically install Guilt
3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour
7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
supported application and will crash Husband
1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support
  _  _  _

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop and HandBag Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.


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                                     Weak Wanker

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man xplained: "Well, doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing".

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open.


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This from Maayan in South Africa

                                 Having a bad day...?

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten
by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving
her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours
short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had
left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his
arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand
of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.

And finally...

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?


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Moose sent these in

                    Oldies but goodies... worth another read....

                                The Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve
Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn
Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist." --Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack
Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks, or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush
(Former US
First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams


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                                      Hold it Harold

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
he goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours
have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"

"What?" She asks.

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."

" Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place and
alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"


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These from Chris SOB in Scotland

                                      It's a fact ...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you passed wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet. (O. M. G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.

(Creepy.)  (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off! ("Honey,
I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


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                                    HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


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And from Sister Carol

                                      In the Outback

A drover was overseeing his herd in a remote Aussie outback pasture, when
suddenly a brand-new Toyota Prado 4x4 advanced out of a dust cloud toward
him. The driver, a man named Frank Pagano, in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
Ray Ban sunglasses and EMQ tie, leaned out the window and asked the drover,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"

The young drover looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, why not?"

The visitor parked his 4x4, whipped out his Dell notebook computer,
connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location, which he then fed to another NASA
satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The man
then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an
image-processing facility in Kedron Park, Brisbane.

Within seconds, he receivesd an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image had
been processed and the data stored.

He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel
spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
received a response.

Then he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the cowboy and said,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right," said the drover. "Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves."

He watched the man select one of the animals and looked on as the man
stuffed it into the back of his 4x4.

Then the drover said to the visitor, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give my back my calf?"

The man thought about it for a few seconds and said, "Okay, why not?"

"Well," said the young drover, "You're a high ranking Queensland Government
public servant."

"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the drover. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked.  You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd
of sheep!!!!!
"Now give me back my fucking dog!"


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A quickie from Slatts

                               The Good Word of Dr Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all
could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard
on a Dr Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.  Dr Phil proclaimed
the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a
pockage of Tim Toms, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the
res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.


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Minnesota Scott sent this in

                                        One-liners

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress .

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat
miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Brett Dude

                                       Bob's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell
at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub
when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me
too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that
he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife,
Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down
on it.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks pics are from Stonefish, Whizzbang, the Duke of Barsinov, Muse,
Maayan, Cartographer Chris, Burnout, Deanna, Croydon Caz, Nottingham
Smithie, Arfermo, Trevor in Johannesburg, and Uncle Doug.


From Croydon Caz

Musical Balls
 Click here

Technical Support
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
 Click here


From Muse

Real story
Next time you're accosted by a squeegie kid, think of this
 Click here

From the holiday ranch
 Click here

Bud Light ads
 Click here

Manipulating Bill
 Click here

Busted on the Radio!
 Click here

The turkey - shades of Mr Bean ...
 Click here

I love you baby ...
 Click here


From Stonefish

Fires at Howitville (near Dargo)-
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Nottingham Smithie

All we are saying ...
 Click here


From Maayan

Identification problem solved!
 Click here


From Cartographer Chris

"Skull" O'Keefe at the cricket
 Click here

CAN YOU GUESS?  WHAT THIS IS?
 Click here
It's a hard disk in 1956.... The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in
1956.
In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a
hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data.
Let us start appreciating your 4 GB jump drive

The rabbit kid
 Click here


From Sir Douglas ... and Muse

Too true
 Click here


From Burnout and Whizzbang
More on women drivers - how a woman gets her oil changed
 Click here


From Whizzbang

How would you like to look out your peep hole and see ...
 Click here

Smoking sex
 Click here

Happier Times
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Amazing picture of a duck ...
 Click here

The rope master ...
 Click here

Would you give this guy a gun?
 Click here

New wiper blades
I got a new set of wiper blades on my car. I think they might be too long
because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work
great. I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had
that I actually like to watch. It's hard to keep my eyes on the road
sometimes. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop
with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a
ride so he could watch them work.
They were outrageously expensive, but safety is my main concern and like I
said, they work great.
Let me know if you would like a pair for your car for Christmas and I'll
hook you up.
 Click here

Office ball
 Click here

Airport Disaster
 Click here

How to recognize an amateur-photographer
 Click here

A WOMAN HAVING HER OIL CHANGED
 Click here


From Burnout

Something to do with Paint and Cricket
 Click here


Canadian Great White
Apparently this shark was caught around year end off the west coast of
Vancouver Island. Some fishermen caught it, and got it close enough to get
a rope around the tail. It took off dragging the 42 foot boat backwards
for an hour; the crew thought they were goners. The Shark finally died and
they towed it to the wharf.
 Click here Click here

Jackass - Puppet Show  XXX
 Click here

Pulp Fiction - the short version  [coarse language]
 Click here


From Deanna

Winner Best Photos 2005 according to NBC
 Click here


From Arfermo

Sex Flowchart
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More stuff from Nottingham Smithie

                                       Desert Tale

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue,
but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed
their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You
know,
Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted
here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father,
now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you
mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I
put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel ass and
lets get the hell out of here!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                               Seniors Guide to SEX

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with
you. Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. Set the
mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! Make sure you put 911 on your speed
dial before you begin. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't
remember. Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under
the bed. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. Make
all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. If it works, call
everyone you know with the good news. Don't even think about trying it
twice


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                          Torture

Mr. and Mrs. Nearier come before the judge for their divorce hearing. The
judge says, "What are the grounds?"

Mrs. Nearier says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and
then forced me to sing the National Anthem while he pissed all over me."

The judge says, "My God, that's horrible."

She says, "Yeah. He KNOWS how much I hate that song."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                               Touched by an Angel

His wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, the husband turns his bed lamp
on to look at a magazine. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to
his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only
for very short intervals before turning back to read his magazine.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her
husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in
front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off
your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown and I thought it was
foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"

Seconds before his death he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I
could turn the pages."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These from Stonefish

                               Polish divorce request

A Polish man moved to the US and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him, "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a
divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Polish Man: "It made of concrete."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"

Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."

Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Polish Man: "No, she's white."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"

Polish Man: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"

Polish Man: "I got proof.

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           Poker

Two couples were playing Poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing
any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife Sue,
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She
said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a
minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs
of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that
since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that
John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned
time at 2pm sharp and after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to
the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from
work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John
come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by
for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when
her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering
up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A REAL POKER PLAYER !!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And a selection from Whizzbang

                      Tell Me This Won't Happen to Us!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later the officer radios in, "Disregard. She got in the
back-seat by mistake."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knocking on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                             I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Wendell, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Wendell, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through it. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed
us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Crap, I thought you were driving!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                            Just in time for Australia Day

                                        Maaaate!

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a
Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house Faster
than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large Fries and
a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the Pens to
the counters.

Only in Australia .... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

And finally....

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And now for something completely different from Moose

                                          Road Trip

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are
you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest."

That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in
Melbourne".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And welcome back to Cartographer Chris

                                   Loan Application

As some of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are challenged
often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of
years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two
centuries, houses have been passed along through several generations of
families, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client
that I thought was absolutely priceless!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending
the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual
letter)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U. S., from France in 1803, the year
of origin identified in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it
by
Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by
Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

"The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the
Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the
Pope, as
I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and
God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it
is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana.

"God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to
before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

"I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have
our damn loan?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally a couple from Allnutts

                                        Confession

A nun went to her Mother Superior and confessed; "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive! It looked like it was
going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway. The ball then fell straight down to the ground after
going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its
claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.

"Oh no, Mother.. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't
you?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


    The world's shortest fairytale (and a beautiful one at that ...)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?". The girl said
"No".

And do you know what?

The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,
drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with
whomever she pleased, in fact did whatever the hell she wanted, never
argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved lots of
money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never
watched football, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass,
had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
trackies,
and burped and swore when she damn well pleased.

The end!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


 "We say NO to bloody US war mongering! I am saddened and ashamed
  that my tax dollars are being used to finance war crimes."


                                         Richard B., Salinas, California,
USA
                                                   (from aljazeera.net)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


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[ End friday humour ]


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