Friday humour - January 12, 2007


[ from Steve at Bluehaze ]

So as most of us manage to get back into the grind of a New Year it won't
be long before we start commenting about how quickly it is passing. It is
probably just as well most of the public holidays are in the first half of
the year :-)

My favourite for this week is the Killer Rabbit.
I suppose there are things that are more unlikely, but I just can't think
of any ...
 Click here

And now onto the weekly collection. First up the attributed ASCII stuff.

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From the Castlehill Books Mob

HOW TO BE A BITCH ..... AND GET AWAY WITH IT

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the
PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride
ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress!

Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look
like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
"Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of
course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before
the wedding."

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From Moose

Nymphomaniac In My Car

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,
but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's
wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome
light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window,
shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're
doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

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From Nottingham Smithie

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having
a real good time like I am."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided
to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to
the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but
deliver us from E-mail".

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as
we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out
loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting
here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay
dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ouch!!!
Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck
with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50
mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that shit?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Sam's club in Fayetteville ( Georgia) is trying to get a license to
sell liquor.
 As part of that promotion Wal-Mart is going to roll out a new brand of
wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with
E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable
price, in the $2-$5 range.   Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to
throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is
a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken,
director of marketing. She continued:  "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum), or red meat (Squirrel).

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their bodies fused
together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked her
ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door." "Hide in the
bathroom", she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just
as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive you"
she replied with a wink and a smile. "Great" he said,
"I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found a
man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded,
he asked, "Who the devil are you?"   "I'm from the exterminator company.
Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths" the lover replied.
The husband yelled, "but you've got no clothes on!!!"
The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"Those little bastards."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the
pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said,
"My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I
can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood
up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is
Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can,
and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of
the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a
darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ...
and I think can!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DATELINE ICELAND
If you're a ram in Iceland, than thousands of people are lusting for your
balls.
The Icelandic delicacy known as ram's testicles has become so popular that
meat packers are suffering a shortage of these tasty treats.
Reports say that the shortage comes at a bad time, as the country prepares
to celebrate a four-week long Viking festival known as
"Thorria," when citizens feast on lots of testicles.
Not just a treat for adults, kindergarten students are nuts for the balls
and enjoy pickling them in a salty brine and eating them with toothpicks.
If meat packers can get their hands on a few more ram nuts, the festival
will be a success and everyone will have a ball!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This football player named Smith was an avid hunter and it was the last day
of deer season but also the last game of the season.
He tells his wife "I've been just sitting on the bench all season so would
you put on my uniform and take my place while I go hunting?"
The wife agrees and he goes hunting while she goes to the game.
The last three minutes of the game the coach yells "Smith, you're in !".
She can't say anything because her husband would lose his contract and
probably get sued, she thinks what can happen in just three minutes so she
goes into the game.
The next thing she knows she has the ball and all these guys are jumping on
her and she passes out.
When she comes to she's stark naked in the locker room and the coach sees
her coming around and says "Don't worry Smith, as soon as we get your
balls back down where they belong, your pecker will pop out !"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

CLASS REUNION OF A 63 YEAR OLD LADY
I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a
starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would
just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim,
high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite
collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't
eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on
Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment
bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung
it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and
thought,
"Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." bodies never have
pockets where you need them. Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger,
unzipped! The shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled,
twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my
knees ... before the zipper gave out.

I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals
again and dance the night away.  Okay, one setback was not going to spoil
my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing
it into the corner, I turned to Plan B:
the black crepe caftan. I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased
at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting
shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon
my hair would look like that girl's in the
Pantene ads. Then the makeup - the under eye "isn't no lines here" firming
cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle
filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this
gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special
glow. But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the
wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered,
rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling
pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity
fighting, "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set
my hair on hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or
in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my
glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking,
cellulite-pushing,
ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like
they're filled with helium bra. "I greased my body with the scented body
lotion and began the plunge.

I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted,  shimmied,
hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked.
Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I
rested. A well-deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a
quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say,
"Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?"
Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move
from my buns to my knees. But I was firm! Oh no...I had to go to the
bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a
snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with
Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my
mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into
the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the sales lady said
to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the
front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be
worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both
breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with
confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra
down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a
cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a
strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with
short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began
rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to
swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the
gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for
examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the
mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have
lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy
until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my 
feet.

I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh ... why did I buy heels
with buckles? Then I had to pee again. I put on my sweats,
fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

IF THIS DID NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH - YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Blondes Year in review
January   - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February  - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March     - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said
"2-4 years!"
April     - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May       - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets!!!
June      - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July      - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August    - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October   - Hate M&Ms.....they are so hard to peel.
November  - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!
December  - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
the phone!!!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two Welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off
and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds
run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo,
this is too good an opportunity to pass up." So he unzips his fly, yanks
out his wang and does the business. When he's finally finished he looks
round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a
go?"
"Bloody right I do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks
his head through the fence.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She was only the ........
Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
Athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores!
Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box!
Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.
Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.
Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
Draught man's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town.
Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise.
Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.
Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
Ganges's daughter, But she knew the fettles length.
Garage mans daughter, but she didn't like the smell of benzols!
Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^)
Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!
Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.
Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
Moon shiner's daughter, but I love her still.
Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of
herself.
Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all
Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean.
Postman's daughter, But she always had mail in her box.
Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
Tree feller's daughter, but tree fellas were never enough for her.
Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.
Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!
Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys
fiddled.
Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Top 10 Best Places/Times To Not Get A Woody
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child’s 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show
and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is When your best friend, on a
guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east, or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every
direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get
all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack I'll never go psycho and
threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and
stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than
dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down.
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch.
And yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow in my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Christmas With Louise
 As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.   One year I decided to make his dream
come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I
made it to the inflatable doll section.   I wanted to buy a standard,
uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck
so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.   Finding what I wanted
was difficult. Love Dolls  come in many different models. The top of the
line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a
book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of
imagination.   On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.   My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.   The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present
that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk
away, then come back and bark some more.   We all agreed that Louise
should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the  family could admire
her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.   My
grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.   My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."  
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.   I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.   "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued.   "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran" Jay said, to
steer her into the dining room.   But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"   Again, I could have answered, but why
would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"   My grandfather, a
delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey,
who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.  
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.  
Not just talking, but actually  flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.   The dinner went well. We
made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should
be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.   The cat screamed. I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell over backwards in his chair and wet his pants.   Granny
threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.   It
was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.   Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember
to the back of her right thigh.   Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug
called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two golden girls were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Homer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly
nervous."
"My William used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I
broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by
putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
  Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat
for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be
yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep
all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that
book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of
Wild Jungle Cats"?   Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose
again...   Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The
termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into
the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved
with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to
explode when touched. Good luck...

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A lady has an ugly divorce with her husband. One day she finds a lamp. She
rubs it and a genie appears.   The genie told her, "I will make 3 of your
wishes come true... BUT, the wish you ask for will be done 10 times more
to your husband."   The lady though for a second and says, "Ok, I want to
be the richest lady ever. I want to be the prettiest lady ever. And I want
a little-bitsy heart attack...."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with
his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him
to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this
happened.   When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a
grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just
died."   "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would
have had to!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I isn't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe. "But, when I
do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when
we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe.
"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I
wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the
kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but she's an economist in the
bedroom.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective
sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the
water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching
nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be
on your side of the river!"
"Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you
can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.   The
buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool! When I
get halfway across, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting
loud farts. His teacher kept him after school.
When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour,
Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,  and
I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you
stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the
floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny
little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted
but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the
paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up
underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,  "you've got a
Double-Barrel!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Blonde Moments!
A Californian doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that
she was not sexually active, the blonde replied I'm not, I just lie there!
When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied,
"No. Who?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult
labour. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl
emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my room, my husband looked at her
tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected
him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every
day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures
and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little
Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and
not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child
psychologist.   The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little
Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny.
Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests
continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in
only blacks and browns.   Frustrated at not being able to get to the root
of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child
psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons
and observe what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of
crayons!
At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and
brown!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in
front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her
head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five
minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice," Well, just what
are you doing?" She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown
with no money just looking."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll
be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great
sex instead."
Little Johnny agrees, "All right."
He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her
surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.
Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of
washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.
The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."
"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my penis is too small" he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should
try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his
face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best
looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite,
where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the
madam, "How much do I owe you?"
  The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two
hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his
attempts for an explanation.   Naturally, the man returns the following
evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred
dollars.   The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the
madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.   "Wait a minute," he says.
"The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you
gave two hundred dollars. Now you want  me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
  The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alaska Chips
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is
117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?".   Lena says, "No, I didn't,
Gee, youčre smart".   Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000
grizzly bears living in Alaska?"   Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, youčre
smart.   Ole says, "and Lena did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou
living in Alaska?"   "No", says Lena,
"how did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came
about in the middle of their sex play.   Ole says,
"Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the
pages out of magazines?"   "Yes, I remember", says Lena.
Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to
your ass."

Large Chips
A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked
what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.'
He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat
enough. Get someone bigger than that.' He is shown another, even more
enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the
biggest woman you have!'. He is shown the biggest woman who works in the
brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!' He is taken off
to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about
satisfying his sexual desires. After a few minutes of heaving and
groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman - 'Sorry. Do you mind if
I turn the light off?' to which the woman replies   'It's me, isn't it? I'm
so big that you find me unattractive.' to which the man replies -   'No,
not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the
light bulb's burning my ass!'

Puppy Chips
A man and his son are walkin' down the street, when they see a big dog
doin' the dirty with a small poodle.   The son asks the father, "Daddy,
what are they doing???".   The man stumbles for a while, then calmly says,
"Why, they're making a puppy, son."
Later that evening during dinner, the wife is pressuring the man to go
'upstairs' with her.. so they do.   The son goes in his room and tries to
fall asleep, but there just is too much noise going on in the room next
door. So he creeps out of bed, goes in the hallway and opens the other
room. There he sees his mom laying on the bed on her back, totally naked,
and his father above her,
hands on her thighs, etc. etc.   So the son asks, "Daddy, what are you
doin'?".   Again, the man stumbles a little and says, "Why,
we're makin' you a little brother or sister, son."   So the boy goes,
"Well, turn her over. I want a puppy!"

Birthday Chips
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of
his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So
together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning
and spelling of the words.   A few weeks ago, her son brought home his
test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock." Part of
the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence.   His sentence?
"My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" - only it seems he'd
accidentally omitted the letter "L". Donna said there was  no comment on
the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bill dies and when he wakes up he says out loud, "Where am I?"
Satan appears and says, "You're in Hell."
Bill suddenly becomes very stressed out. "I knew I shouldn't have stolen
from the company. I shouldn't have cheated on my wife with that cute
little 16 yr old down the street. Oh man this is horrible." Finally, Bill
says somewhat defeatedly,
"Damn, I need a drink!"
Satan says, "Well, your in luck Bill.
Today all the drinks you want."
"Really? Well I guess I'll have a Rum and Coke."
Suddenly a bar appears and the bartender hands Bill the best Rum and Coke
he's ever had in his life. Bill continues to order all kinds of drinks as
the bartender has incredible talent. After awhile, Bill starts getting
pretty drunk. "Man I could use a smoke!"
Satan  replies, "Oh, I'm sorry Bill, that's not until tomorrow."
"Wait a minute, let  me get this straight. Today all the drinks I want, and
tomorrow all the cigarettes I want."
"That's right Bill!" Satan replied with a smile.
Bill comes back, "Well, I could get to like this place called Hell!"
Satan asks, "Bill, are you gay?"
NO WAY MAN!" Bill says sounding very disgusted.
Satan smiles real big and says,
"Oh, THEN you're not going to like Thursdays."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are so many lawyers in the world, that if you were to lay them
end-to-end, they would reach into the each other's pockets.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Signs of Spring in New York City:
1-Crack dens take down storm windows.
2-Lovely pastel colours used for chalk body outlines.
3-Garbage collectors start going topless.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's
or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer than to forget
where you left it!

Grocery store clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't
be choosers 

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Rumbers in the UK

What do you call a caveman with a bottle of bright blue antiseptic?

Neon Dettol.

What do you call a caveman with a shiny gun?

Chrome Magnum.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Whizzbang

Want Some Ice Cream?
A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if
she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick,"
he replies. To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Our collection of multimedia stuff this week comes from Arfermo, Croydon
Caz, Digi Maria, Muse and Whizzbang.

Firstly the NHH stuff (Not Hosted Here).

Joint Typhoon Warning Center (look around)
 Click here

Then the movies ...

Copper Clappers
 Click here

Good samaritans
 Click here

Mad Cow
 Click here

Beer
 Click here Click here

Bike Rider
 Click here

Then some pictures ...

Men's Restroom Mural
 Click here

Happy new year 2007 - this one if for the guys...
 Click here

Surprise, surprise
 Click here

Finally some new Maxines!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Chinese Tow Bike
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Elder bicycle
 Click here
Remember:
Senior  Citizens Are Valuable.
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have  gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and.
We are loaded with natural gas

Then some slide shows ...

DUBAI - Great pictures
 Click here

Life is a train ride
 Click here
Final call
 Click here

Happy New Year
 Click here

And some documents (internet and Word) ...

Shakespearean Insult Generator
 Click here

The Last Laugh
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And lastly the anonymous offerings ...

Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having
drinks at the bar following a business meeting.

The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four sons. One
more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing,
boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas isn't got a clue. I have 17
wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Bride smiled sweetly at the Maid of Honour when they both overheard the
Groom say to the Best Man, "Look, I'm positive she's a virgin. In fact, if
you care to bet, I'll give you 20 to 1 odds."

When they were alone though, the Bride shouted, "How could you do such a
thing? We're only just married & already you're throwing money away."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

              Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]


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