Friday humour - January 05, 2007


G'day from Deano at Bluehaze,

Happy New Year to all our readers and contributors to Friday Humour.
With the Christmas and New Year holiday break for many of you, I thought
that the contributions may be a bit sparse this week.  However, it has
still been great with a lot of new stuff and also some oldies but goodies.

My favourite this week is a video from an anonymous contributor:
 Click here


And now onto the written stuff:


Firstly from Davo:

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft.

Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.


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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rotweiller who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard !"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'. And before he could say "Fuck," the Rotweiller ate him !"


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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least she knows
I'm smarter than her.


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An oldie but a goodie from Digi Maria..

HOW DO I GET TO HEAVEN?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children
in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically
sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into
heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


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And from Whizzbang

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a
last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local
brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each
bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on
them. They won't know the difference." The manager does as he is told and
the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was
dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

his friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch."

"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a
little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."


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A couple from the past from Nottingham

Sexual Calorie Counter

  It has been known for many years that sex is good   exercise, but until
recently nobody had made a   scientific study of the caloric expenditure
of   different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary
research they are proud to present the results.

  REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
  With her consent....................... 12 Calories
  Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

  OPENING HER BRA:
  With both hands........................ 8 Calories
  With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
  With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

  PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
  With an erection....................... 6 Calories
  Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

  PRELIMINARIES:
  Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
  Trying to find the! G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

  POSITIONS:
  Missionary............................. 52 Calories
  69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
  69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
  Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
  Her on top.............................. 524 Calories
  Doggy Style............................ 726 Calories
  Donkey punch..................... 912 Calories

  ORGASMIC:
  Real................................... 112 Calories
  False.................................. 315 Calories

  POST ORGASM:
  Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
  Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
  Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

  GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
  20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
  30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
  40-49 years........................... . 1124 Calories
  50-59 years............................ 1972 Calories
  60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
  70 and over......................... Results are still pending

  DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
  Calmly................................. 32 Calories
  In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
  With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
  With your spouse knocking at the door.... 5521 Calories


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First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake. This just tells you
how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with
Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a
woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a
day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had
never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she
gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her
pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was
a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump
handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh
from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced with a real problem Both agreed it would take
something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as
she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants
and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."


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This from Sister Carol

How To Avoid The flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take
your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your
hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff
around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty
of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR

Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it... When you go for a
shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why?  Because
alcohol kills germs.

So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise ) I put lime in my
Corona...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the
bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress) Then pass
out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the
ass!"


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More from Burnout

Message from Above

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour
that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to
Earth. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the
angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good,
because he wanted to encourage them... give them a little something to
help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.


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And from Nottingham Smithie ...

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know
when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him
a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then  arrange for
child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the
card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- Two with meatballs, one without."


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Lots from Anonymous..


   FUNDAMENTAL LAWS

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM:
When you dial a wrong number, you will never get a busy signal.

CANNON'S KARMIC LAW:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,
the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone with whom you would rather not be seen.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the difficulty of the
reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any theatrical event, those people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle will arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.


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EXPENSIVE MEMORIAL

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her
closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500.  and of course I made a
donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
wake, food and drinks, you know.  The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?  My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."


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MOWING THE LAWN

Peter is relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer
and listening to the radio. As he chills out, his wife struggles with a
manual mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
Peter's next-door-neighbour sees the woman battling with the mower and
shouts across the fence "You pathetic excuse for a man," he yells
"sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass.
You should be bloody well hung."

"I am" Peter shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."


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PUB PUPS

Two guys were walking their dogs.  One had a German Shepherd, and the other
had a Chihuahua.  The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for
a drink.

The other man says "They're not going to let dogs into the bar."

And the first guy says "No?  Watch this!"

So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a
seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says
anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on,
and walks his Chihuahua into the bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry - we don't allow dogs in here."

And the man says, "It's okay - it's my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?"

And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


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HOT DATE

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty
hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the front door, the girl's
father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't
you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.  Bobby replies,
politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Hey why don't you two go out and screw - I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby.  So, he asks
Carrie's father to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw
all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately he revised his
plans for the evening.  A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in
herlittle poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts her out the front door
with Dad saying, "Okay - have a good evening kids," with a small wink for
Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father
"DAMN IT, daddy!  It's called the Twist ... THE TWIST!"


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THE CORONER

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after
the examination...

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his
girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Kerry,
30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."


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THE CONDOM SHELF

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

Dad, wanting to be an open, liberal, matter-of-fact father, replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, looking on the shelf more closely to see if there
are any other options. He sees it: "Then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March...."


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Get stuffed

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you
drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys.  He's one of us."


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WHY TEXANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

A couple of Texans are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing,
his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other Texan whips out his cell
phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think
Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow
my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead'."

There is a silence.......... then a shot is heard. The Texans' voice comes
back on the line, "Okay, now what?"


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Definition OF BRAVERY:

Bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being confronted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask ... "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


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Paddy declares war on France

Jacques Chirac, the French President, was sitting in his office idly
wondering what new kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the
United States, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at
the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland, so it is. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you, so we are, so we are!"

"Eh alors, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Zis is indeed important news!
Combien des... I mean, 'ow big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "Il faut que... I must tell you, Paddy, that I 'ave one
'undred t'ousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on, so it is! We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"Et qu'est-ce que... er, and what is zis equipment, Paddy?" Chirac asked,
summoning his best Irish accent.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor, to be
sure, so we have."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must vous dire, Paddy, that I 'ave seex t'ousand
tanks et five t'ousand armoured personnel carriers. Also, I
'ave increased mes soldats to one 'undred et fifty-t'ousand since we last
spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns tied onto the
front strut, and as well as that, four boys from down the Shamrock Pub
have joined in with us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I 'ave one 'undred bombers et aussi two 'undred fighter
planes. My military complex is, ow you say, surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last parler, I 'ave increased my
army to two 'undred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin to
yourself, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."

"Eh bien, comme je suis heureux... I am glad to 'ear vous me dites zis
news," said Chirac. "But, why ze sudden change of 'eart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and
decided there's no fookin' way we can feed two hundred thousand
prisoners!"


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Two Nuns

Two nuns were driving down a country lane one night.

All of a sudden, a vampire jumps out of the darkness right in front of
their car and the nuns screech to a halt.

"Show him your cross!", says the first nun.

The other nun leans out the window and shouts angrily, "Get off the fucking
road you wanker!"


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And now for the pics and other visual stuff..

First up, from: Burnout
2007  Begins.........
 Click here

Playboy Calendar - 2007
 Click here

Three pages of Sand
 Click here


This beauty from Trevor
DEMOLITION CALL
 Click here
Some kid has got the right idea.


And from: Stonefish

Do you enjoy your job , this much?
 Click here

Men CAN multitask!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

Idiot of the Week
 Click here

If you see anything dirty... its just your mind!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Best Ever Party Costumes..
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Now these sent in by Muse
Directions
 Click here

Not your usual Kodak Moments
 Click here

Here's an offer you can't resist! Buy now!
 Click here

The fly story...... cute........
Don't do anything, just watch, sit  back and enjoy -- no scrolling.
 Click here

Only when it rains
 Click here

Button your fly
 Click here

You know when you have bad breath!
 Click here


And several from You Know Who You Are

BEWARE, LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS!

Yesterday, I was robbed at the traffic lights in Collingwood. One young
woman offers to wash your car windows while you wait at the red light
while another one takes advantage of the distraction to open the back door
and steal everything she can grab.  Be warned, they are very well
organised! Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red
light!  If your windows get washed, don't look at them - they're just
trying to divert your attention.

Please inform your friends of this new scam. They have got me 10 times
already today.  They also got me 4 times yesterday, four times the day
before that and six times Sunday.  (Saturday I couldn't find the corner
they were working)

I did finally manage to get some pics yesterday: Click here
 Click here


This year's Krispy Kreme Lingerie Calendar:
Click here
 Click here

Impressed
 Click here

Wrong way
 Click here

Revenge of the nail-gun
 Click here

Reason to shave
 Click here

Surf's up
 Click here

It's a goal
 Click here

Bad Corner
 Click here


And that all we have this week folks.  Keep the contributions coming to
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[ End friday humour ]


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