Friday humour - December 29, 2006

[from Davo at Bluehaze]

G'day


Good old Melbourne town had its coldest Christmas Day on record - a maximum
of 14.5 degrees C but thankfully with some well needed rain.  Victoria even
had snow on the alps.


In Prime Minister Howard's Christmas message he advised that Australia "is
a generous outward looking nation willing to share the good fortune that
life has given us with those who are less fortunate". He asked us to spare
a thought for those for whom Christmas can be a particularly hard time.

There was no mention of the over 500,000 Iraqis who have died and the
millions wounded and displaced as a result of his illegal invasion based
on lies and cherry picked intelligence, no thoughts of demanding a fair
trial for David Hicks or for an end to the torture at Guantanamo Bay, and
no let up for the asylum seekers still incarcerated in tin-pot Pacific
islands with no legal rights or adequate psychiatric care.

Indeed we are blessed with a leader who has totally embraced the economic
rationalist policies of the neocons.  It's amazing that he keeps talking
of Australian values ... as if other countries haven't got any.  It seems
to me the only values he displays are concerned with money - ensuring that
the "haves" keep getting more, and enough of the "have-nots" get one-off
lump sum bribes at strategic times to ensure his re-election.

Melbourne's Anglican Archbishop, Dr Philip Freier, encouraged us to think
of all the asylum seekers saying "I believe there are strong parallels
between asylum seekers and refugees and Jesus Christ. Jesus was born in
very humbling circumstances because Mary and Joseph were forced to travel
to participate in the census. He suffered persecution throughout his life,
leading to his painful and public humiliation upon the cross. The Christmas
story is a story not only for asylum seekers and refugees but for all
people, for travellers, the homeless, the lonely, indigenous and
non-indigenous Australians."

Perth's Anglican Archbishop, Roger Herft, accused Howard of hypocrisy over
the continued detention without trial of David Hicks saying "I think that
as a democratic and civil society, we are struggling to bring that sort of
society to other people.  And it doesn't make any sense to me, for us as a
Christian nation, with the intensity of love that's required at Christmas,
for us to allow any person to languish without that justice."


And so another new year beckons.  I'd like it if more people could embrace
the lyrics of John Lennon's Christmas classic ...

         War is over over
         If you want it
         War is over
         Now...

If only the leaders of the world would stop thinking about money, fear,
power, and greed.


Happy New Year to all our readers!


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First up a couple from Whizzbang

      The difference between "potentially" and "realistically?"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for
a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would 
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what 
you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I
wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to
do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy? "

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father
asked him, "Did you find out the difference between Potentially and
Realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."


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                                    Really cute ...

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions !!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more To do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.


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And from Digi Maria

                                    The Ashes

Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have
over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.


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This came from Sister Carol

                                      Little Billy

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman,
policeman, salesman, chippy, cptain of industry, etc but Billy was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men.  Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go
out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."


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These from Stephen the Joker

                               Movies Interruptus

My wife and I went to the movies a few nights ago...

I opted to take an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little
roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out ...

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse
me," she said, as she passed by about a dozen theater goers.

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a
little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little
earlier?"

"No!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE
message just now flashed on the screen!"

"So, why does that require you to rudely push your way past everbody in the
row?" I asked.

"Because I left my cell phone in the car," she explained to me.


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                                        Q & A

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


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                               The Sounds of Sex

A young couple wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the
outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy
abruptly stops.

"You know," he says, "we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's
time we had intercourse,"

"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides,
all those people in the field may hear us."

The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well if it hurts start making cow
sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no
one will ever guess what we're really doing!"

The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to
business. Ten minutes later, everyone within a mile hear the following:

"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon Riverrrr....!"


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Slatts sent this one in

                               Useful Translations

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tit$

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Bitch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?


MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay


And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle, eg. when
a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine
features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set
on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye & a cricket stump shoved up his
backside.


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This came from Burnout and Whizzbang

                      The annual Christmas season email

Dear All,

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of
your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can
remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the
internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM (AEST) this afternoon. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year


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Minnesota Scott sent this one

                      A FINAL VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS

'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here inflation was rising; the crime
rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling.

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd sent cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense was caught in our
eight-foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh and, frisking him twice, said,
"I think he's ok."

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair:
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling.

"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them.

"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by and told me my sleigh was
unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections.

"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves.

"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because they had shrewdly slipped in a
'no avalanche' clause.

"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land.

"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare flying blind through the
blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead.

"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye.
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way:
"No longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'"


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And from The Castlehill Bookends

                                 Irish No Fail Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60
POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from friggin skippin' !"


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This weeks pics are from the Maayan, Swinburne Sue, the Duke of Barsinov,
Muse, Scottish Chris, Brett Dude, Moose, Croydon Caz, Burnout, Allnutts,
and Digi Maria.


From: Burnout

Sons that make their Dads proud
 Click here

If it was only that easy!
 Click here


From: Moose

New Xmas stamps arrived...  [poor taste!!]
 Click here Click here

VW polo
 Click here

Over slept
 Click here


From: Whizzbang

Click on the picture to make it bigger
 Click here

Do you want this job?
 Click here

Why women have foreheads
 Click here

96FM
 Click here

RED DOT (needs sound)
 Click here

Chocolate!
 Click here

What not to do with a gun
 Click here


From Chris (SOB)

What pets do when we're at work
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From: Croydon Caz

Our World
 Click here

Yikes
 Click here


From Allnutts

Holiday Chuckle/Happy Christmas
 Click here


From: Maayan

Chinese vision
 Click here

Permission slips
 Click here Click here


From Brett Dude

Rich Man impresses the South Perth ladies
If your $300K Ferrari doesn't get you enough attention from the opposite
sex what do you do?
Line up a traffic light in front of the busiest beer garden in South Perth!
These pics were taken yesterday at about 8pm. Apparently the driver had a
heavy session at the Windsor then took off from the BP, losing control and
sliding straight into the traffic light. Police were promptly on the scene,
where the driver was breathalysed and subsequently arrested. DUI means his
insurance would be null and void.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Digi Maria

Absolutely Dressage
 Click here Click here

Why boys run faster than girls.
 Click here


From the Duke of Barsinov

Risk Assessment on Santa
 Click here


From: Muse

Morning after commercial
 Click here

Snorkeling in Canadian Waters
 Click here

Cut the dramatics
 Click here


From: Swinburne Sue

Toilet paper saving device
 Click here


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A quickie from the Duke of Barsinov

                               Warnie's Retirement

They have decided, after he announced his retirement, that they are going
to name one of the stands at the MCG after Shane Warne.

It will be called the "Shane Warne One Night Stand".


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This is from Maayan in South Africa

                                      One liners

1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have nothing to
play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home."
I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said
to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came
home early".

5. It's been a rough day I got up this morning... put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13 Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,
"I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd
get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18 With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in
the air?"He told me to run off a cliff.

19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.


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More stuff from Whizzbang

                                    Talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of inebriated
friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the drunks asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.  He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering whack and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You, arsehole!
It's ten past three in the morning!"


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                                  That's OK, Dad

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home
from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile
on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad!" he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex
for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to
him". Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud
of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed
bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get
it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my
arse is too sore".


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                                  Women over 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what 60 Minutes Correspondent
Andy Rooney (CBS) thinks about women over 40 ...

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around
whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually
more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get
away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's
like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far
sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where
you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman
over 40,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
with some 22- year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize ... for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a
little sausage!


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Quote of the Week:


"Rumsfeld and Cheney and the President made a big mistake in justifying
going into the war in Iraq. They put the emphasis on weapons of mass
destruction.  And now, I've never publicly said I thought they made a
mistake, but I felt very strongly it was an error in how they should
justify what they were going to do."


                          Former Republican US President Gerald Ford

[ The interview with The Washington Post was embargoed until his death aged
93 this week.]


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[ End friday humour ]


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