Friday humour - December 22, 2006


[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Greetings to all you Humourites out there.

It is that time of year again, and this weeks offering has lots of
Christmassy things in it. For those of you who don't do Christmas for some
reason or other, there is lots of other stuff as well, so you wont be bored
or reasonably offended.

My favourite this week is (be prepared) ...
 Click here


And now onto the text stuff from our regular identified contributors.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Burnout

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of
sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Moose

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit
Vietnam.

Two million Vietnamese have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The United States is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The small island country New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food
crops.

The European community (except France) is sending money.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding
infrastructure.

The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement
Vietnamese.

God Bless Our Aussie generosity.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WIFE:    What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE:    Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE:    Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:    You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE:    Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:    Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:    Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:    Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:    Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:    - - silence - -
HUSBAND: F**K!!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Nottingham Smithie

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she
took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he
blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business...I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I'm the lead lecturer where I use information I
have learned from my own personal  experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another
popular myth is that Italians are the best lovers, when actually it is
Jewish men who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
the absolutely best stamina in bed is the
Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this
with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she
decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot
bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his
third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the
rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the green,
he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having a good
time."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter
once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in
school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college,
make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow
that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as
smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to
do to be queen?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to
'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter,
flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind
if I inspect your kill?'
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one
of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out,
sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a
Washington state hunting license?'
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington
state hunting license. The warden took a second duck,
inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting
license?'
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The
warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test,
and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state
hunting license?'
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the
appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out,
handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these
licenses, just where the hell are you from?'
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU
tell ME!'

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him
get out.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified as dead
and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead
bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some
traction."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Louisiana Fishing Tale

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night
crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in
his mout. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal
dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to
be real careful or he get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him
roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped
hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him,
had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mout open
and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he
cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He
reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a
moonshine likker. He pour some draps into de snakes mout. Well, dat
snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat
Boudreaux toss's dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He look
down and dare dat water moccasin was, with two frogs in his mout.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've been wondering why I feel so tired. I've been blaming it on lack of 
sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax  build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I
found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why. .

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama 
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to d o the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At ! any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your rear ! end, at your computer, reading
jokes.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On the news:
This new scam is being pulled mainly on ladies who are past the age of
giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim
stops at a red light; an almost nude, good looking, tanned, muscled young
man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.

While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back
door of the car, jumps in and insists she drive off with him to some lonely
spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this. They got me three times Friday and five times
Saturday. I couldn't find them on Sunday.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; They had just made the
scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head
scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a
congratulatory phone call from the President Of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said
Dr. Lowenstein, grinning Broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and
billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by
a frown. He said, "But that's impossible . . . We could never do it. . .
Yes Mr.
President," and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some
bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found
intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THINGS A MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT HIM
NAKED

1. Why is God punishing me?
2. At least this won't take long.
3. I never saw one like that before.
4. But it still works, right?
5. It looks unused.
6. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
7. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
8. Are you cold?
9. If you get me real drunk first.
10. Is that an optical illusion?
11. What is that?
12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13. Does it come with an air pump?
14. So this is why you're to judge people on personality.
15. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving
for the crusades and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving for the
crusades. I'm entrusting you with the key to my wife's chastity belt. If,
in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armoured from head to toe, and takes
one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the
drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Sire. Thank goodness I was able to catch
you. This is the wrong key."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a
store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of
these, take 'em back to Blue Mountain Arkansas, sell 'em to our friends,
and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let
me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow
Georgia drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and! Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50
of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and
.."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Arkansas, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba ...... "How come you know that?!"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When the office printer's type began to grow faint (this was one of the old
dot-matrix printers), the office manager called a local repair shop where a
friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the
manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asked, "Does your
boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old.
Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said,
and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a
broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this
ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me,
the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Whizzbang

CAUTION THIS IS A REAL THREAT THIS CHRISTMAS (and real unPC)

Police are warning of a key that can open 75% of ALL house-hold locks,
82% of padlocks, a staggering 93% of car locks, 87% of motor-cycle
ignitions and 91% of business premises security systems.

IT'S CALLED A DAR-KEY.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Best Chain Letter Ever

This is Great!

Send this to 5 people within 3 minutes

and fuck all will happen to you.

I tried it and its true, fuck all happened !!!

IT REALLY WORKS !

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a
photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it
much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it;
even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing
him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about  it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me 6 months ago"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now to the multimedia stuff. As usual, be careful opening the marked
stuff.

Firstly the NHH stuff (Not Hosted Here).

From Whizzbang - unusual photos collection
 Click here

From Nottingham Smithie - worth a look
 Click here

From Burnout - Have a Beaut Xmas
 Click here

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Our regular stuff this week is compiled from the welcome offerings of (in
particular) Burnout, Castlehill Books Mob, Croydon Caz,
David at Sutherland, Davo, Digi Steve, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie and
Whizzbang.

Moving images (and usually sound) ...

Dodge Commercial
 Click here

New Car for Women (as seen on TV)
 Click here

Bad Morning??.
 Click here

Sensitive?
 Click here

Zippy juice
 Click here

Christmas shopping getting you down?
 Click here

You gotta be fast to win this race ...
 Click here

Christmas giving
 Click here

We wish you a Merry Christmas...
 Click here

Sing-along
 Click here

Quite funny - but also quite XXX
 Click here

Still images ...

Paris Hilton teaches Britney Spears how to exit a car (XXX)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

And a Merry Effing Christmas to you!
 Click here

Why Men are Rarely Published in the Dear Deirdre agony columns
 Click here

Allow me to be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas
 Click here

And your pilot this evening will be ...... (NOT!)
 Click here Click here

Who says religion can't be funny?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Season's Comics .......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

More Priceless photos (some mildly xxx)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Anyone seen a wanker?
This is the Sheriff 's Police Car of the Local Sheriff Department in Texas
(only in Texas).
ENGINE: 7.0L Supercharged V8, 515 KW, 904 Nm Torque.
MAX SPEED: 250 (Limited).
ACCELERATION: 0-100 in 6.5  sec (Quick for a car that weighs more than 3.5
tonne!).
WHEELS: 28 inch chrome.
TYRES: 325/35 R28 Profile.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Urgent News Alert!
A cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes. However, having sex lengthens
it by 12 minutes. So smokers, screw for your lives!
 Click here

Message From Santa
 Click here

Nice bit of parking!
 Click here Click here Click here

Some days it ain't worth getting up
 Click here

Holocaust - yep ...
 Click here

Things you don't see every day!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Men wrote advice columns
 Click here

Caution indeed
 Click here

Happy Xmas!
 Click here

Slide shows ...

Christmas card
 Click here

Watch the spring
 Click here

Shipping news ...
 Click here

Lena
 Click here

Merry Christmas
 Click here

Hello from me!!!
 Click here

All Your Questions Answered
 Click here

Test yourself - Very easy test ... NOT!
 Click here

Printer trouble...
 Click here

Other document types ...

SK Warne Diary
 Click here

Why?
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And now onto more text stuff from the great mass of unidentified ...

GIT-R-DUN

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, But he's hidin' it
there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but Find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature.
The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a
younger one.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In response to former Democratic party presidential nominee, John Kerry's
recent comments that unless students do well in school,
they'll end up in Iraq, a White House source reported yesterday that the
President's daughter Genna Bush decided to enlist.

"Tired of being made fun of as being yet another spoiled child of former
drug-using, tax-deferring Texas multi-millionaires, she decided to join
the Marines," the source said. "This gives children of the Republican base
everywhere the chance to join her in what is already being dubbed the
"Paris Hilton brigade" and if enough children from the Administration sign
up, the armed forces are looking to create special unit called the
"Screaming Wolfowitzes."" Go Genna!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing
the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own
stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no
less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A bank officer heard this explanation for a farmers money troubles:

It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to dollars, me bloomin
overdraft doubles. Then they brought in kilograms instead of pounds and me
woolclip dropped by half. Then they changed rain to millimetres and we
haven't had a inch of rain since.
They brought in Celsius and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat
wouldn't grow.

Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half the land I had.
By this time I'd had it and decided to sell out. I got the place in the
agent's hands when they changed from miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far
out of town for anyone to buy the stinking place!!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi
for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and
said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting
back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so
forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this
man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face
for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you
notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're
absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could
you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and
one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ho, Ho, Ho .......


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[ End friday humour ]


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