Friday humour - December 15, 2006

[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


It's nice to be back after a pleasant weeks break at Adelaide's Glenelg
beach.  Despite all the derision, Adelaide is a very liveable city which
just about has everything that larger cities boast about.  And they don't
seemed to be clogged with freeways ... and traffic jams.

It's good to see The Age newspaper starting a campaign to Bring David
Hicks Home.

Hicks is the misguided adventurer who was caught with the Taliban in
Afghanistan five years ago.  Of course the US helped set up the Taliban and
previously has supported it, just as it previously supported Saddam
Hussein.  It was not a crime at the time, but nevertheless the US sent
Hicks to Guantanamo Bay where he's been tortured and kept in solitary
confinement for much of the time.

Whatever has happened to human rights in Australia?  Ten years ago the
Howard government was swept to power with the slogan that it would govern
"For All Of Us".   You now have to question what they meant by
"us".  A more divisive them and us government has never existed in Oz.

Since the disgrace that is Guantanamo Bay was created, over 450 other
prisoners have been released as their caring governments consistently
maintained that the entire system was flawed and grossly unfair.  The US
Supreme Court also pronounced that the military courts set up by the
Bush administration were illegal.

Yet what have Howard, Ruddock, and Downer done?  Nothing!  Except vilify
Hicks as being guilty of something.

Even Saddam Hussein is (seemingly) being given a fair trial.

What has David Hicks ever done?  He has never fired a shot and was
originally (mis)charged with aiding the enemy - an enemy that wasn't even
declared at the time and which the US previously supported.  Why is our
government denying him all the rights that serious criminals are entitled

It would seem to me that it all fits in with Howard's consistent fear
campaign.  He has a much better chance of retaining power if he scares
enough electors to believe they'd be mad to vote for anyone else.

But what of our civil rights?  What are we fighting (and losing) another
war for?  Everything we are supposedly fighting for is being flushed down
the toilet.

On another front, when is George W Bush going to apologise to the world
(and especially Iraq) for invading a country that had nothing to do with
9/11?  Dubya is spending $US 4 billion each fortnight on his war with
Iraq.  In the three and a half years since his "pre-eminent" attack,
less than this fortnightly amount has been spent on reconstruction.  Is it
any wonder that 80% of Iraqis want the US occupying forces to leave their

Thank goodness the US electorate has finally woken up to Bush and put the
Democrats in charge of the Congress.  Hopefully this will curtail
Bush from doing anything equally as stupid in the final two years of his
pathetic reign.

And now ... to the jokes ...


First up this came from Whizzbang and Slatts

                                      The Ashes

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come


An oldie from Whizzbang

                                    Larry and Bob

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea" He went next door to the
butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large Sausage. Bob said, "Are
you crazy???  Now we don't have any money left at all!!" Larry replied,
"Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble
we will be In? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"  Larry replied,
with a smile, "Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my
zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done,
the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them Out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the third


This from David at Dodo


A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him
there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the
doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor "Stand about 40 feet away from her
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife,
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response..

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Stan, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"


Stephen the Joker sent this in

                              The Old Man and the Sea

This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of
the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster
and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000... ... please advise".

So the old man faxed back:... ...Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.


This from Burnout

                                      Train Journey

A man and woman who had never met before but were each married to some one
else found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an
overnight sleeper train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy at sharing the room they were both
very tired and soon fell asleep, he in the upper bunk. She below.

At 1.00am the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me,
I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a
second blanket?  I'm awfully cold here"

"I have a better idea" she replied. "Just for tonight, lets pretend that we
are indeed married to each other".

Thinking he had a chance with the woman and taken aback by her forwardness
he said "Wow! that's a great idea".

"Good" She replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"

There was a stunned silence...... then he farted.


Stonefish blessed us with this nonsense

                                       Stupid Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O. M. G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this
at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.) &n bsp;

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


These arrived embossed in gold leaf from the Duke of Barsinov

                                   Parrot Called Chet

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,
named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the
perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet."
was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held
another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and
the air was filled with " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" No, the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown
him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved
the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent
Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know" Let's try it," he
answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between
Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little
parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."


                                    Christmas Story ....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones.  Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that
mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas


                                       Montana Tale

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to anot her NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives
a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the US Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd
of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.


These came from Smithy in Sherwood Forest

                                  Marketing Explained

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in
bed". That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.


                                   Wishful Thinking

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain
age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a
weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow,
you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No... it's turned black."


                                     MALE BASHING

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said  "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said "That's a good idea ... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...
immediately he turned ninety!!!  Gotta love that fairy!


Hey these came in from Swinburne Sue who said ...

 "Hi - this is my first contirbution in a while, since Tonys sad demise.
  I hope he knew just how much joy and laughter he gave to so many
  he never knew."
                                            [ I'm sure he knew Sue - Ed ]


1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells


                                A Marital Year of Sex


During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were
too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22
times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16
times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the
month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the
mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5
times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the
neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me
to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I
finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not
come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19
times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10
times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play
golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4
times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose
was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the
notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas
while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the
times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move
was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


More from Whizzbang

                                       Oh My God ...

a.. A prominent organization of anthropologists has predicted that by the
year 5000, humans will have two rectums, but only one nostril.

b.. For over a decade, the number of drive-by shootings has been directly
proportional to increased gas prices.

c.. Two-thirds of all the world's coriander comes from a single valley in

d.. As the sheer volume of Internet traffic has increased, the friction of
the electrons passing around the planet has increased the overall global
temperature by .07 degrees.

e.. Contrary to popular belief, the white is not the healthiest part of an
egg. It's actually the shell.

f.. Molecularly speaking, water is actually much drier than sand.

g.. The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market
crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of
frantic depositors that their money was gone.

h.. Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight
and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they've been removed.

i.. Comic duo Cheech and Chong were originally known as Spic and Span
before changing due to pressure from Chicano organizations.

j.. The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11,284), has never had a
homicide occur within its boundaries.

k.. Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective
temporary cure for sleep apnea.

l.. Fish have "dandruff" caused by flaking skin, and it is impossible to
filter all traces of it from drinking water.

m.. The first case of the common cold was diagnosed in 1611 in
Stratford, England. The patient? John Common, who coincidentally gave his
cold to William Shakespeare who said the new malady exacerbated his
lovesickness, thereby inspiring several of his most fondly remembered

n.. Ingesting small doses of ink over an extended period of time will
change your eye color slightly.

o.. When subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's
tail always points toward the north.

p.. If the current trend continues, by the year 2215 midgets will outnumber
"normal-sized" people.

q.. Scientists estimate that sleep lost due to daylight saving time reduces
the average lifespan by nearly two full months.

r.. In the late '90s, Microsoft secretly developed its own version of
Linux, but shelved it after quality control researchers deemed it "too

s.. The top three names for female babies born in China last year were
Huan Yue, Jia Li and -- unlikely as it seems -- Buffy.

t.. Peter Maas, creator of the character Serpico, got his character's name
from an ultra-expensive, highly-prized Malaysian liqueur made from
fermented viper venom.

u.. Shortly before his execution, Timothy McVeigh constructed a scale model
of the Lincoln Memorial with soda crackers.

v.. There have been four documented cases of humans who have hibernated
through an entire winter.

w.. Strains of bacteria similar to E. coli have been found in spent printer
cartridges -- but only in the cyan ones. Scientists have no explanation.

x.. The Australian aborigine language has over 30 words for "dust."

y.. Anyone convicted of animal cruelty in Sedalia, Missouri, is sentenced
to a month's confinement in the county animal shelter.

z.. Fewer divorces occur in families in which the children wake their
parents before 6 a. m. on Saturdays.

aa.. A futuristic automobile designed by Ford for the movie Blade Runner
was produced and sold in limited quantities as the "Ford Harrison."

ab.. As the sheer volume of Internet traffic has increased, the friction of
the electrons passing around the planet has increased the overall global
temperature by .07 degrees.

ac.. Contrary to popular belief, the white is not the healthiest part of an
egg. It's actually the shell.

ad.. Ancient Egyptians used molted cobra skins as condoms.

ae.. Using its anal sphincter muscle, the Mongolian tapir is capable of
creating high-pitched tones that can be heard by dogs nearly 30 miles

af.. Customs officials have dogs that are trained to distinguish between
Cuban cigars and all other cigars.

ag.. Archimedes' screw was the basis for Max Factor's invention of the
twisting lipstick holder.

ah.. A Tokyo inventor has developed a laptop computer whose battery is
recharged by energy generated from the movement of the user's mouse, yet
Sony lawyers have successfully blocked every attempt to produce a product
using the technology.

ai.. Female black cats can actually see their shadows at night.

aj.. Ballpoint pens were invented by a Michigan scientist attempting to
reduce the number of birds killed for their quills.

ak.. Glamorous movie star Brad Pitt once had a summer job posting warning
signs at coal mine entrances.


This weeks pics are from Croydon Caz, Muse, Eric in his tree, Minnesota
Scott, Chris in Scotland, Digi Maria, the Castlehill Bookends, Burnout,
Moose, Allnutts, Nottingham Smithie, DB, Barb, Trina, and Whizzbang.

From the Castlehill Books Mob

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk
says, "What denomination?" The blonde woman says, "God help us! Has it
come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22
 Click here

From Croydon Caz

Stuck in the snow
 Click here

Clever Doggie
 Click here

From Smithie of Nottingham

Who are you looking at?
 Click here Click here

Xmas wrap
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A popular singer
 Click here

It's time to take the stress out of executions
 Click here

From Allnutts

Glad it's not me!
 Click here

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From Minnesota Scott

Santa Claus
 Click here

From Digi Maria

First time sex
 Click here

This photo is a very rare one, taken by NASA.
This kind of event occurs once in 3000 years. This photo has done miracles
in many lives. Make a wish ... you have looked at the eye of God.
This is a picture NASA took with the Hubble telescope. Called "The Eye of
 Click here

A trip to the seaside
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From Eric in his treetop in South Africa

Osama sings "I will Survive..."
"Play it for a chuckle and pray that it could happen. Reality ? If it could
only be."
 Click here

From Burnout

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Comic assortment
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From Moose

How to put your kids in time out
 Click here

Franchise Opportunity
"Every man wants one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 Click here

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Shockers but really funny!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

Smooth move
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Emperor Nasi Goreng
 Click here

Carpet layer
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Burnout's Europe vs Zimbabwe
 Click here Click here

How Iraqui people hide from the Americans
 Click here

From Chris SOB in Scotland

Xmas Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From Muse

How dirty boys get clean
 Click here

Lucky day... huh?
 Click here

Still mamas boy
 Click here

Ever been like this bear!
 Click here
+++ Content:

Big mistake
 Click here

Ho ho ho... look at our snow... London, Ontario Canada December 8
"Just thought you sunbathers might like to see what life is like here in
London... we had an extraordinary snowfall on Friday... everything
buses, businesses, schools... the works. And we're still digging our way
out... I just stayed home and got caught up with my Friday humour....
you're doing a great job, as usual. Thanx for the laughs,
These pix are from our local paper...   Muse"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Examination
 Click here

Me speaks engrish goodry
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


Women's Insurance
 Click here

From Whizzbang

Dam Christmas is coming......
You know how every Winter we have everybody send the snowball e-mail thing
out to everybody. Well this is paybacks for all that $hite they have sent
out to me. PS Don't send it back to me!!!! Cuz I gotcha first!
 Click here

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a cheque.  Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.  The parrot, however, drove him nuts the
whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally
the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up,
you stupid, ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Men just don't listen !
 Click here

Gym from PW
 Click here

As if a crash helmet will help if they fall
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cherokee Wisdom - Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on
inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside
us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth,
compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
 Click here

Bay of Islands
I've taken the liberty of putting your name into the drawing for a Seven
Night Cruise around the Bay of Islands , on the 'Gypsy Queen' Cruise Liner.
All airfares, transfers, food and drinks inclusive; with dinner at the
captain's table as his personal guest. Good luck, I hope you win!
Nothing is too good for my friends or family!
 Click here

Words of wisdom from uncle chopper
 Click here

Xmas toonz
 Click here

 Click here

Dear Dr. Ruth
 Click here

You Named your Business what???
 Click here

A new computer screen cleaner
 Click here

Top 10 Women Drivers
 Click here

New McDonalds burger - For the boys
 Click here

Please open when you are alone (coarse language)
 Click here

From Barb F

It's a worry
 Click here

From: DB

The photo Tom Cruise didn't want you to see....
 Click here


Back to asccii with more from Burnout


Dear Sir,

I accordance with your instructions I have begun to trial the boots
supplied to me with a view to introducing them as standard issue to
Company Flight Crews. I have thus far used the boots for two operational
flights, each just a short 3 hours duration. My initial impressions of
this boot prompt me to write to you early with my findings as I feel for
me to continue with this trial would have a detrimental affect on my
performance and reputation as a North Sea Commander.

The boots I were given are a size 8, a standard fit for me. I usually have
no problems with width fitting as my feet are relatively slender
appendages. I would also like to comment that I have had very little
problems with my feet such as blistering, hot spots or other soreness
associated with ill fitting shoes/boots in the past and in particular
throughout my 12 year military career.

Enough about me, what of the boots.

Firstly the boots themselves appeared to fit quite well although giving the
impression of a snug comfortable feel. However, upon walking (of which I
covered approximately 1-2kms to and from the line office) the boots give a
very good impression of "wobbly wellies" with the characteristic "slap
slap" onto the fore and aft of the shin areas. This feature is accompanied
by a correspondingly "I've just shat my pants" type perambulation on the
part of the wearer. The net affect of this particular feature of the boots
is to purport the wearer to the public at large as either: Crippled, gay,
hung like the proverbial donkey or indeed a combination of all three.

The next hurdle for these boots was the entry and exit into the Puma
Helicopter. As you are no doubt aware, entering the Puma Helicopter with
the sense of purpose and style that one would like to associate with the
qualities of a highly trained, confident North Sea Commander, requires a
not inconsiderable amount of poise and practice. Crucial to this manoeuvre
is the fit and comfort of ones footwear. Unfortunately the lack of fore and
aft stability of the trial boots (the reason for the
"wellie" effect) translates into an appalling vertical instability of the
wearer during the crucial transfer of CG at the key point of rotations (i.
e. foot in footwell, f**k me I'm not gonna make this,
whoa, s*it, Jesus, hope no-ones watching this, type of manoeuvre.)
Failure to locate the foot squarely in the footwell results in an almost
theatrical twitching of the stressed leg as the wearer grasps desperately
for the handholds in an ill fated attempt to compensate for the lack of
quadraceptal thrust necessary to complete the manoeuvre safely.

Once in the cockpit the boots assume a more "passive" role in that they are
no longer required to support the wearers body weight nor protect the feet
from third party objects. Start-up, taxi and take-off are normal events
and the boots present little impact on these events.
However, climbing to altitude is a different matter. Dr Martin has provided
the wearer with an air cushioned sole which at sea level provides very good
comfort to the sole of the foot. Unfortunately he has failed to anticipate
the sudden reduction in air pressure associated with flight in a
non-pressurised machine. The net effect of a gentle climb to say 3000 ft
is a gentle, ever increasing feeling of pressure through the normal axis
of the foot. This promotes a feeling of the foot being gradually squeezed
which, although pleasant at first, soon begins to create a feeling of
heat. Eventually, after some 20 minutes or so,
the wearer begins to be overwhelmed by the singular desire to remove the
offending boot and release the by now tortured digits. Clearly this
feeling is associated with restrictions of blood flow to necessary tissues
and invariably leads to numbness and loss of all sensation.
Eventually, a little over 1 hour later, the feet have ceased to exist in
the wearers conscious mind. Sadly the chronology of this results in the
wearer arriving at an offshore installation bearing the full effects of
the "pedacal squeeze" with a mind in complete denial as to the existence
of the feet.

It is extremely difficult for me to articulate to you the results of
attempting to exit a burning & turning Puma without the aid of one's feet.
Location of the footwell is impossible and results in a desperate
scrabbling of the lower limb (I have deliberately not mentioned the feet
as to all intents and purposes they no longer exist). After a controlled
"fall" from the cockpit one is left standing on the heli-deck entirely
dispossessed of one's feet. Attempting to move across the deck gives the
impression to the wearer of "floating on air" but unfortunately invokes
little if any confidence in the deck crew or indeed the inbound passengers
who are unfortunate to witness the shambling, aimless, almost drunken waltz
of the unfortunate wearer.

Stairs to fuel installations are not for the faint hearted. Only the
provision of handrails allows the wearer to slide, fireman like, to the
bottom. Ascent is a different matter. Heather Mills may be able to dance
with Sir Paul McCartney with only one leg, but I doubt that even she could
negotiate stairs with the remaining foot entombed in a depressurised Dr
Martin Slip on.

Finally I am compelled to relate to you the words of my 14 year old son
upon seeing the boots in the box at the start of the trial and mistakenly
believing that his mother had purchased them for him to go to school. He
took one look in the box and said under his breath thinking I had not
heard "If she thinks I am going to wear a pair of arse bandit boots to
school she can fuck right off."

Yours sincerely

Angry Angus


                     US HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.


This from Croydon Caz

(who also sends this Christmas greeting)
 Click here

                                    Carnival of Sex

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and sure
enough they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet colourful cuddly teddy bears, hundreds of
cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor; cuddly medium
sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top
shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
off. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks
smiling, "Well? How was it?"

The guy says ...

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


Another from the Duke of Barsinov

                           SATAN'S TEMPTATIONS

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman
said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane
and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said
"Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then
"I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the
potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into
chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that
Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable
TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the
channels. And
Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started
wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan
"You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And
Satan said "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ... Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.


After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.


Here's an oldie from Fosters John

                                 IRISH SAUSAGES

This bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looks at him and asks, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was
American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me
if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Bunnings."

           ( For non-Oz readers, "Bunnings" is a hardware chain ... )


And from Minnesota Scott

                  Rules to live by this Christmas season

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out, and screaming, 'WOO HOO, what a ride!'"


An oldie from Allnutts

                                       Marketing ...

A disappointed salesman of Pepsi returns from his Middle East assignment. A
friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very
confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Pepsi is virtually
unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I
planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Pepsi and Third,
our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over
the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't
realize that Arabs read from right to left..."


And a blast from the past from Hollywood Len (who I remember Tony saying
has left LA)

                                       Hard Labour

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies. .

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car.

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said . . .

"I would have been out today."


And from Moose

                                   Mum knows best

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have
something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot
she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have
oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and
WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER
complain about the taste of my cooking again!


More from Smithie of Nottingham

                                       Quick Q & A

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"



A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and
said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and thought and
finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the
ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied. So, the genie turned him
into a toilet seat...

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is? An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her
cherry? She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had
the box it came in.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? If you throw
a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to
the oarsmen in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some
bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip
up the Nile." The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water


                                         Jet Fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz, You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the
phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought
to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"


"Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.


Finally from Moose

                                 Seven Kinds of Sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually
have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both
say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.


Quotes of the Week

 "We subscribe to the Churchill dictum, you never, never, never give
  up, whether it is on innocent Iraqis, or the war on terror, of which
  Iraq is a key part."

                          - Brendan Nelson, Australian Minister for Defence

 "Iraq had nothing to do with Bush's "war on terror" until he invaded it."

                                                                    - Davo


[ End friday humour ]

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