Friday humour - December 08, 2006



G'day fellow Humourites,

It has been a big week here in Australia with the Federal Opposition
changing their leaders in a last ditch hope to establish some credibility
and win the next federal election.  Little Johnnie Howard (George W's
down-under puppet) has been around for a long time and is smug in his
ramming through of the new Industrial Relations laws which have been
commented on in earlier editorials.  The Union movement had a good turnout
at the MCG last week with thousands of workers protesting against the new
laws.

Anyway, now onto the humour with contributions from Moose, Nottingham
Smithie, Burnout, Whizzbang , Muse, Croydon Caz, Stonefish and many other
contributors and in particular we would like to welcome the newcomers
Zemuse, Nick, Dave and some others who are not sure if they want to be
identified.


Psychiatrist's Christmas Carols

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

MANIC:
Deck the Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and ...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Our, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
why.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all
away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock.


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A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waiter,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the
man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned. The waiter watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waiter went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at him and said, "No he didn't. He just walked
in the door."


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Eleven minutes and counting

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known "hot" spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the cabin light on. The cop approaches the
car to get a better look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat with a video game.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her,
what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "I think she's playing poker on that thing."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night
in a this secluded spot....and nothing is "happening"!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


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Can you find the C

This is not a joke...  If you can pass, you can safely turn on your
ignition key again and cancel your annual eye examination...
Can you find the "C" ???  (Good exercise for the eyes!)


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Once you've found the C..........

Find the 6!

9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999


Once you've found the 6...

Find the N! (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once you've found the N... Make a wish!
OK, now that you've made a wish, it will come true.....all you have to is
send this on saying, "Can you find the C?"


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Smile it's Monday
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around
looking for valuables and when he picked up a DVD player to place into 
his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying
"Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin; clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a long holiday after his next big score, then clicked the
flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect wires, clear
as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxes.
"Warn me huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses,' the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot quickly answered,
"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."


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Jet fuel]
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with  nothing to do.Dave said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!"
 Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz,  You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get 
completely smashed.
 The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.  In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!  Then the
phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
 Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too.
 You don't have a hangover?"
 Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought
to do this more often."
 "Yeah, well there's just one thing."
 "What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
 "No."
"Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.


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Good quiz
This is mainly based on Aussie. info, so use all lobes of your brain.
This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most Of
us really see!
There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known  about
all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions
are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention
to the commonplace things of life. Put your thinking caps on. No cheating!
No looking around! No Getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in
your desk or computer!
Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go.
Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone
or anything on your desk...
Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the
subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your friends and
also back to the one who sent it to you.
LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
Here we go!
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the Australia ? (Don't laugh, some people
don't know)
3. In which hand is the United States' Statue of Liberty 's torch?
4. What six colours are on the classic Campbell 's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
(Don't you dare get up to see!)
7. How many matches are in a standard box?
8. On the Australian flag, how many stars are there ?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. What is the channel range available on a UHF TV ?
13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
16 Do books have the page number on the left or right hand side?
17 How many wheel nuts are on a standard car wheel?
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening
between the slats?
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
digits?
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

Scroll down for answers

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM
2. How many states are there in Australia ? 6 (plus the two territories)
3. In which hand is the United States' Statue of Liberty 's torch? RIGHT
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell 's soup label? BLUE, RED,
WHITE, YELLOW,BLACK & GOLD
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?  1,0
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
RIGHT
7. How many matches are in a standard box? 50
8. On the Australian flag, how many stars are there ? 6 (FEDERATION STAR +
5 IN THE SOUTHERN CROSS)
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 87.5
10. Which way does water go down the drain, clockwise or anti-clockwise ? 
ANTI-CLOCKWISE (SOUTH OF THE EQUATOR)
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
12. What is the channel range available on a UHF TV ? 21-69 13 On which
side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT 15 How many sides
does a stop sign have? 8
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT 17
How many wheel nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?  BASHFUL
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8 21 On which playing
card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES 22 On which side of a
Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?   
LEFT
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
digits? *, #
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3
25. Does a merry-go-round turn clockwise or anti-clockwise? ANTI-CLOCKWISE


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IQ?? test
Let's see how smart you think you are. Goodluck!
 This is a timed test.   You have 10 seconds to click on the answer!!!!
  Click here


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School
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes
written by PARENTS. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. [lease
execute him.
2-- Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot
3-- Dear school: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32
and also 33.
4-- Please excuse Gloria from jim today. she is administrating.
5-- Please excuse Roland from P.P. for a few days. yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
6-- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7-- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was
hurt in the growing part.
8-- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.
9-- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10-- Please excuse Ray fFiday from school he has very loose vowels.
11-- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. he had (diahre,
dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. note: [words in ( )'s were crossed out.
12-- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. he had diarrhea, and
his boots leak.
13-- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14-- Please excuse Jimmy for being. it was his father's fault. {you know,
this could be legit!}
15-- I kept BILLIE home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wears
16-- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday we forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. we thought it
was Sunday.
17-- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. she spent a
weekend with the marines.
18-- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. he had a cold and
could not breed well.
19-- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. she was in bed with
gramps.
20-- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
21-- Please excuse Brenda. she has been sick and under the doctor.
22-- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. i
wasn't the best either sore throat and fever. there must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Ode to Winter
You might want to get out the tissues - this is really touching!

You really have to read this one..................

            Hi Everyone, with Autumn upon us, and the days getting shorter,
            I thought you all would appreciate this superb, evocative,
            masterfully penned ode to the coming winter season.

            So, grab a coffee,  a comfortable chair, relax and scroll down
to enjoy the warm feelings and pleasure that this wonderful poem will
bring...


Ode to Winter

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

             " SHIT, It's   Cold!"
 Click here

            The End


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FARTING
Donna rides the bus to work every day. Today she's in some discomfort
because she has a pain in her lower abdomen. She finally realizes that its
just a tremendous build up of gas from something she ate. The bus is quite
crowded and she doesn't know what to do. Then she remembers that pretty
soon the bus will run across some railroad tracks and it will rattle and
bang and make lots of noise. She will be able to pass this gas and nobody
will know. What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also rides the bus
everyday and has grown tired of all the noise the bus makes when it rattles
and bangs across the railroad tracks. So last night he stayed after work
and had the maintenance crew tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate
all the moving parts to quiet down the old bus. Well, here come the
railroad tracks, Donna raises up on one cheek and lets it rip. It was one
long, loud, juicy sounding fart. The bus didn't rattle and bang like it
usually did and now you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as everybody
started looking around. Donna thought that maybe no one knew who did it
and that she should just act natural. She thought she should just start a
conversation with someone as if nothing had happened. She leaned over to
the man sitting across the aisle and casually asked him, 'Do you have a
ticket?' He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next tree we pass I
will try and grab you a handful of leaves....


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ARRANGING A CALL GIRL
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths.
I got one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo,
beautiful. So I pick up the card and I call the number.
"Hello?" the woman says.
"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking
kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring
toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in
anything. Now how does that sound."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press
9."


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Confession time
I was once let off the hook of married stressful life, it was only as a one
night stand. The missus agreed that someone who used to be a friend to us
both and whose boyfriend had just packed her in, was feeling a bit down
and my missus was suffering a bit of tiredness, so let me go over to her
place, the feeling of her knowing and I didn't have to hide text messages
and guilt was of enormous relief. Her mate answered the door in a see
through blouse, bra-less, it was fantastic, a little red pleated miniskirt
and stiletto's. She purposely bent over to pick up some mail revealing the
smallest pair of panties ever with a hint of stuffing outta the cushion.
She pulled me inside whilst licking her lips with come to bed eyes, it
wasn't long before I was carrying her upstairs, my hands brushing against
her luscious soft white pure skin - just then my head hit the bedside
cabinet and I woke up - damn it.


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Poor people (musical background)

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They
spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a
very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his
son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool  that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a
creek that has no end.  We have imported lanterns in our garden and they
have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to
protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added,  "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if
we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what
we don't have.  Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your
friends!
Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their
perspective and appreciation.  "Life is too short and friends are too
few."


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Brilliant
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a chic restaurant. The husband
keeps staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sits alone at a
nearby table.

Finally, the wife asks: "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took up
drinking right after we split up seven years ago. I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long"?


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Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your  partner is actually in bed
with you .

 2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete
what you started.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


And now to the pics and movies etc with lots of items sent in by Digi Maria
, Stonefish, Muse , Moonboot , Burnout, Croydon Caz, Moose, Eric in his
tree, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, and of course Anonymous

If hens were blonde..............
 Click here

Subservient Chicken
Finally, somebody in a chicken costume who will do whatever you want.
 Click here

Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like me?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


It's Tramp O Claus - Merry Xmas!
 Click here

Bar Stool
 Click here
I like this....I wonder how much had to go in the collection to get
this...or are they just fake nuns????

Turkish Airlines...
 Click here

bog roll
 Click here

Mice
 Click here

mixed stuff
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Impossible Photo!!!
 Click here
Amazing photo!!!!!

The buffalo theory
 Click here

Unfortunate headline..
 Click here
Read the headline CAREFULLY!!!!!!

High Tech Urinal
 Click here

Last day on the job
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Buy him one of these, the ultimate xmas present
 Click here

Who needs a UTE???
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Osama bin Laden's mistress found
 Click here

Why Middle Age Women shouldn't drink
 Click here

Karicatures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Forgot to do up the nut !!
 Click here

You call that a bike?  Now, this is a bike!
 Click here Click here

Ultimate in Women's Body Piercing
 Click here

The best separation letter ever?
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

From: Burnout
The Wedding
 Click here

Xmas Turkey
 Click here

WARNING
X-RATED ADULT ADVENT CALENDAR FOR LADIES ONLY WITH NO MEN AROUND.....
 Click here
Merry Xmas!

Guess the song title
 Click here

Even baby Pandas have to sneeze
 Click here

Octopi camouflage
 Click here

Supermodels struttin' their stuff...
 Click here
Bimbos alright

Cheerleading bloopers
 Click here

IKEA
 Click here

funny puppet show!! he.. he...
 Click here

Clever dog
 Click here

Now how did he do that?
 Click here

This is cute
 Click here

Who's Hu? - listen if you need a laugh
 Click here

SPEED  .........  Not always so important!
 Click here

Smart bird
 Click here

WARNING - X-RATED
Updating my resume
 Click here

French Maid
 Click here

The swan....
 Click here


Amazing Hill Climb]
 Click here


Coffee cup holder
 Click here

Elasticband
 Click here

4WDriving
 Click here

Thinking of going out on a boat this holiday?
 Click here

Excavator
 Click here

WARNING A bit of bad language
Chopper mobile
 Click here


And now to more written stuff from our many Anonymous friends - enjoy


Ambulance crew's sat-nav howler
Michael Horsnell

An ambulance crew's blind faith in a satellite navigation system turned the
routine 20-minute transfer of a patient between hospitals into a 400-mile
odyssey.
The patient survived the epic journey but the paramedics have become the
laughing stock of the London Ambulance Service, it was disclosed
yesterday.
Instead of driving the eight miles from King George's Hospital in Ilford,
East London, to the mental health unit of Mascalls Park Hospital in
Brentwood, Essex, the pair found themselves 200 miles off-track on the
outskirts of Manchester before they realised their blunder and turned
back.
The sat-nav with a mind of its own has undergone reorientation while the
ambulancemen have been told to undertake a geography lesson and learn to
think for themselves.
They drove for eight hours before finally delivering the patient. After the
equipment sent them north, they covered 215 miles in about four hours. The
way back was only slightly shorter and took more than 3 hours.
A spokesman for the ambulance service said that the male patient's health
was not endangered by the journey. "It was a transfer not a medical
priority and I understand he had a comfortable journey."
He added that the co- ordinates of all hospitals on their database were
being checked. He said: "We carry out transfers not just to London
hospitals but all over the country. Obviously they thought they were going
to a hospital further afield.
"On the screen of the mobile data terminal it would have said Mascalls
Hospital but they were not being directed anywhere specific, just
somewhere in Manchester.
"The problem with the navigation database is also now being fixed." He
added: "We believe that the crew was relatively new to the job."
The paramedics are far from unusual in being deceived by their sat-nav
systems.
Last month a woman dodged oncoming traffic for 14 miles after misreading
her sat-nav system and driving the wrong way up a dual carriageway.Police
said it was a miracle that no one was injured after the young woman joined
the A3M, which links Portsmouth to London, on the southbound side - only to
head north.
In September a taxi driver took two teenage girls 85 miles in the opposite
direction after keying the wrong place name into his sat-nav. The girls
asked to go to Lymington in the New Forest, Hampshire, but the driver
tapped in Limington, Somerset.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the
second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to
sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our
guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce
of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote
island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head
and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.  She has
also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.  He makes his way
to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her
breathing again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my
life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. 
Cindy and our guy are living on the island together.  They have set up a
hut, there is fruit on the trees, and they are in heaven.  Cindy has
fallen madly in love with our man, and they are making passionate love
morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he is looking kind of glum.  "What is the matter,
sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I am in love
with you.  Is there something wrong?  Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is.  Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help."
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?"
he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it is really going to make you feel better," she Says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your
face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island.  He sets off in the
other direction.  They meet up half way around the island a few minutes
later.
... He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You
will never believe who I am sleeping with!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one, Little Johnny, began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...  I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...  I PRAY FOR A
NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged Johnny and said, "Why are you
shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which Little Johnny replied, "No, but Gramma is!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Ratcliffe was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and
son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the
car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Ratcliffe answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have
eaten.
The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had
eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.
The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Yeltzin last
week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk.
The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3
weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel
coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.  She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry. The man
explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel room and he suggests they undress
and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in
the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover
where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God
replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your
time."
Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God
replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one  of
your pennies?"
God replied, " Certainly, just a second."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the
delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He
looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He
then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index
finger repeatedly saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"


And so endeth the lesson....


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[ End friday humour ]


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