Friday humour - November 24, 2006



From Deano at Bluehaze]

It has been a big week of news here with the G20 meeting in Melbourne and
the behaviour of a handful of professional protesters who damaged police
vans whilst wearing white suits and masks.  All they did was give the
genuine people concerned about the issues being discussed a bad name and
any orderly protest was overshadowed by the TV and press reports.
However, there is now something that promises to be bigger than G20 about
to hit Australia.
Yes, it is the Ashes Test Cricket series where the Aussies try to win back
that miniscule urn containing burnt cricket bails back from the English.  
 Click here
It has received major TV promotion with the ABC and channel 9 having
cricket specials this week and anything to do with the players and teams
being front page news.
 Click here
Having been to a couple of Boxing Day tests at the MCG there is nothing
quite like the atmosphere of 90,000 fans supporting their teams and the
friendly rivalry between the Barmy Army and the Fanatics makes what can be
a long day into a great day of entertainment.


Here is a great test from Burnout which could apply to many cricket fans:
Cool Person Test
 Click here


Now to the humour with heaps of contributions from Marinator, Burnout,
Croydon Caz, Nottingham Smithie, David at Sutherland, Allnuts, Moose and a
few others.


First up, from Marinator

Three Little Ducks
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."


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And from Burnout:

Honeymooners
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.  Dave showed them to their room and thought
to himself, "What a lucky guy.  Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.  Dave showed them to their
room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one.  Telephone operators
have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher.  Dave showed them to their room and
thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too
frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning.  He
expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and
the other two would call much later in the day.
At6:00 a.m.  the phone rang.  It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
 The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock.  The
man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir?  You married a nurse.  The man sourly
replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse.  All I heard last night was her
nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast.  Dave brought it as
fast as possible hoping for the best.  The man opened the door and Dave
stepped back in shock.  The man's hair and pyjamas were properly combed
and pressed.  Dave asked," What happened?  Telephone operators are
supposed to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator.  All I heard last night was
her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes
are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband
would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. 
The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock.  The man was
wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on
his chest, arms and legs.  Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to
you?  Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily replied, "No.  Son,
when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher.
All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do
this over and over, until we get it right."


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Granpa
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked,
"What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Crown lager and women with big t!ts ."


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From Croydon Caz

How men and women differ

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even
though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. 
Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do
the laundry now.
What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO
CLOTHES blah, blah,blah, blah, NOW


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Priest
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the
coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


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These from Nottingham Smithie

MARRIED LIFE
A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have
frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ARSE, DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED
ARSE ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And, they lived happily ever after.


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SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:
Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. During the act,
she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on
too.
Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay


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DANGEROUS DOG
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He
asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware
of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."


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ANOTHER GENIE JOKE
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern.
He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. "I can't grant
your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts
for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a
dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have
received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his
mother if anything had been delivered. "Yes," she replied. "It's been an
unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a
half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long lost relative had left
you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting
you to dinner with Lassie tonight."


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KNOWING YOUR EMPLOYEES
A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who
worked for him. One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting
out a large wad of the firm's cash. The contractor asked the man, "Where
did you get your financial training, young man?"
"Yale," the man answered.
"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Yackson," came the reply.


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SMELLY BRAKES
A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at
all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "Can
I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche. "I'll pay cash!" and
starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets to the
right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back...it smells
awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the
manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not driving it
properly'. He gets in and she roars out of the dealer- ship, drops it into
second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph
does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to
accelerate. At 120 mph she shifts into 4th gear; at 145 mph she goes into
5th gear. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it
reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him
pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a
train crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down.
Instead the pitch of the engine increases!  100 yards from the crossing
she slams on the brakes and the car comes to a screeching halt mere inches
from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"


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BIBLE STUDY
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading
these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her
composure!
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible
even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic
elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new
testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by
children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling
has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. god got tired of creating the
world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of
ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like
Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.
8, the Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in
the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before
they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is
another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


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BABY-SITTING
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his
mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."


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I  met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining
about how coffee made him nervous.
I asked him, "Why don't you quit drinking coffee?"
He replied, "Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't get any
exercise at all."


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I married my wife for her looks...  but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!


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How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, and wondering what she did
with her pencil.


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A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked
her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the
house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."


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A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely
to get colon cancer.
And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer.
It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise. - Jay Leno


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PERCEPTIONS
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name!!!
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 40 years ago!!
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have
been MY classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local
high school.
"Yes!!!!" he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1944!!!"
"Why, you were in my class!!!!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?!!!"


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From David at Sutherland
Cicket!
Two ninety year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. It
seems that Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic,"
says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how
we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour.
When you get to Heaven, and I know you will, somehow you've got to let me
know if there's cricket in Heaven."
Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best
friend many years. If it is at all  possible, I'll do it for you." And
shortly after that, Vic  passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights
later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of
white light and a voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...."
"Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Nev, it's me, Vic." "Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me,
Vic!" "Vic? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good
news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Nev. "The good news is that there
is cricket in heaven. Better yet, all our old mates who've gone before us
are here. Even better yet, we're all young again, it's always spring time
and it never rains. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want and
we never, ever get tired.
"Really?" says Nev, 'That's just fantastic! Wonderful! Beyond my wildest
dreams! But what is the little bad news Vic?"
"Nev, you're opening the batting.day after tomorrow.!"


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From Allnutts

Bunnings Scam BEWARE

Men take heed, & ladies warn your men to take care

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Bunnings
customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst
out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to
be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to
you!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old
girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not
to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having s*x with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral s*x on you, while the other one
steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th,10th,
twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely
again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.


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From Moose

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband
was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy - you explain the kids."


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I Wish I Was 8 Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide The Wall
of Fear The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds
where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my
dress size, you f*cking twit!"

The moral of this story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.


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This week pics etc are from Burnout, Whizzbang, The Castlehill Books Mob,
Allnuts, Nicki, Moose, Croydon Caz, Eric in his tree, Digi Maria, Muse and
Nottingham Smithie


Nightmare
 Click here
Dads advent calendar
 Click here
(A little bit rude :o)  Helping to choose your secretary or girlfriend
 Click here
Irish Beer
 Click here
Highway in Russia
 Click here
When men give the wrong gifts
 Click here
Don't judge too quickly....
 Click here Click here
Ultimate Stretch Limo
 Click here
Tight Arse
 Click here

Karaoke for the deaf
 Click here

Do these glasses make my nose look big?  For ADULTS ONLY!
 Click here

Politically correct descriptions
 Click here

Friends.
 Click here

Things you don't see every day
 Click here

Shark's guide to Perth
 Click here

 Click here

Breaking News - Saddam has escaped
 Click here

World news.
 Click here

Microsoft error messages  - Finally... error messages on my PC that I
understand!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Needs volume
 Click here

How to kill a cheating man
 Click here

Some Curious things
 Click here Click here

When the word dickhead just isnt enough
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Divorce letter - Brilliant !  A must for all men!!!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

The Door Frame
 Click here

Why Widows Move To Florida - One for all the girls!!!!!!!
They grow on trees there!
 Click here


 Click here


Tattoo
 Click here
Let's all be thankful that it wasn't our kid who came home with this one...


Granny guard
 Click here

We didn't start the fire
This is brilliant!  Give it time to load, turn your up volume and enjoy!
 Click here
Shows what an education can achieve...

No matter how big or small we are...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Why mothers need eyes in the backs of their heads
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


Real life sculptures
 Click here

Four stages of life
 Click here

Unusual Speed Control Idea
 Click here

An extraordinary millionaire (commercial)
 Click here

German Duracell Ad
 Click here

Holy sh1t
 Click here

High mileage, worn out interior,
 Click here

Ever had a really bad day?
 Click here

A little bit rude.....BUSTED!!!!!! Excellent!
 Click here


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And now for the great contributions from those who wish to remain anon


Socrates

Please Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are
about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him
excitedly and said," Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is
Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a
third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about
my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great
philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.


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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad
in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed
against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out,
"Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the
wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was
reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the
order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and
Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was
thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a
disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as
the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his
direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"


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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were  all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or
for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of
drinks, they agree to go back to his place.  As they are making out in the
bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says,  "See
that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says,  referring
to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby?  That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her
purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a
hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was
afraid you were about to blow!"


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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious?"
He said yes.
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist"
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or
Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.


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A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all
about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so ?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.  They had a drug nurse who
gave you drugs.  They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse...


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[ End friday humour ]


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