Friday humour - November 17, 2006



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'Day


The international G20 summit will be held in Melbourne this weekend.  It's
time for our mingy government to come up with a timetable to meet its
commitment (along with other developed countries) of giving 0.7% of Gross
National Income towards overseas aid.

Currently Australia only commits 0.28%.  Along with Japan and the USA we
are the lowest of the low as far as overseas aid is concerned.

Tim Costello (brother of the Treasurer, and CEO of World Vision Australia)
wants the government to put its money where its mouth is.

The US currently spends 3 billion a week to fund its atrocious war in Iraq
-
that's $156 billion a year to kill and maim people.  And look at the mess
it's created.

The developed countries of the world together only spend $100 billion a
year on aid to keep people alive.

Just imagine if the US had spent the $400 billion that it's so far spent on
invading and occupying Iraq on aid to Africa.  Tim Costello says it would
have saved 30,000 kids lives each day.

Isn't it time we started worrying a bit less about the economy markets and
wars, and a bit more about people.


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First this week is a selection from Stephen the Joker

                                        Blowy Night

Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to
share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had
this wild, vivid dream last night of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and exclaims, "That's funny, I dreamed
that I was skiing!"


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                                         New Baby

Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife
gives birth to their first child. After a long labour the doctor comes out
and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is
overjoyed,
and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child.

Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can
do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion the
midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door.

After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on.
She jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has
two fingers firmly lodged up the infant's nose and is dragging the child
through the water in figure-of-eights.

"Good God!" she shouts. "That's not how to bathe a new-born!"

"It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."


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                                        Dog Fight

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting,
they would someday end up destroying the world. They sat down and decided
to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The Swiss would provide
neutral referees.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop
the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn
its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay
down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each
litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing
Machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron
prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
the
Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the
growling beast in the Arab camp.

The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

They opened the cages. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring.

The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he
got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws
and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a
small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Swiss referees approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We do not understand. Their top scientists and breeders worked
for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They
developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied smiling. "We had our top plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"


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                                       Wise Guys

When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside
the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs.

The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the
contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of
general relativity".

The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to
discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest
for world peace".

The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So
what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"


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Here's a couple from Nottingham Smithie

                                        By Request

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters.  In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. An old Japanese man jumps
out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a
Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No,
no,
play a Jazz chord! Play a Jazz chord!".

A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.  "No, no. Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz
chord!"

Well and truly fed up that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his
playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK old man. You get up
here and show me how!"

The old Japanese man climbs up on to the stage, takes hold of the mike...
and starts to sing .....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."


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                                         The Lift

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea
what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above
the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son,

"Boy.................. go git cha momma...............


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A couple from Stonefish

        An oldie but a goodie - Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male..... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. 
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 
Male..... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


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                                  The Southern Lady

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait at the Los Angeles International Airport. The first lady was
an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a
well-mannered elderly lady from the South.

When the conversation drifted to whether they had any children, the
Californian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

"Well, isn't that precious," commented the lady from the South.

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

"Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought this exquisite diamond bracelet."

And, again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious."

The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady.

"Oh, my God! What on Earth for?" asked the first woman. "Well, for
example," the Southern lady replied, "instead of saying, 'Who gives a
shit!' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious."


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Here's a couple from Fosters John, who's had to close down his jokes list
as Big Brother (CUB) was watching.  Thanks for all your stuff John!

                                        The Stud

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".

"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".

"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up
about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a
couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc".

"No, hang on", said the young man,"... you see, when I get on the train to
work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and
have sex all the way there".

"Oh.... now I see", said the quack.

"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really
fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh.... now I see", said the quack.

"No no no", said the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this
diner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.

"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my
boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".

"Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".

"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to
see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex
afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc.

"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I wank".


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          Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 
 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 
 7. Look at the size of his putter 
 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 
 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 
 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 
 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 
 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


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Some stuff from Allnutts

                                   Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his 
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more 
children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.


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                                        Drunk talk

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are *ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE* to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning


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                                         Irish Joke

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some
advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're year's outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two
sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin'
ya, mate, you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as
he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing and looking
sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong
now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"


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These from Croydon Caz

                                    London Shopping

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look
in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign
said
"Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 2.00 each, Trousers 2.50 per pair"

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and
when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into
the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they
hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best
English accent."

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at
2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. I'll back up my truck
and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well... yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners.


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                                      Marital Advice

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long
will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.


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Another from Allnutts

                                       Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to provide a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, and none of us could get the jar open."


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This from Maayan in South Africa

                                 New Exercise Routine

This is a new exercise routine if you're over 21. You might want to take it
easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be
too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN...


NOW SCROLL UP..


That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

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This came from Biggus

                               Deep Thoughts Contest

From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep
Thoughts by Jack Handey"

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I
didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd
that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with!

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life?

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour.

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big
fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which
Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear
beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to
die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that
I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him
a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more
than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest
of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started.


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This weeks graphic files are from Moose, Stonefish, the Castle Hill
Bookends, Biggus, Rosie (DOT), Moonboot, Whizzbang, Croydon Caz, Nottingham
Smithie, Muse, Burnout, Allnutts, Rowan Davo, Trina, Digi Maria, and
Leunig, Petty, Golding, Tanberg of The Age.


From Biggus

Diet Coke and Mentos- a fountain of fun!
 Click here

Women - Know Your Limits
 Click here

Yolks
 Click here Click here Click here

Why animals are better than you:
 Click here


From Smithie of Sherwood Forest

The first Irish flat screen TV!!!
 Click here Click here

Beachwear 2006
 Click here


From Muse

Question for the girls - Is this your sex life?
 Click here

The nephew's gift ...
 Click here

How to sell men's briefs...
 Click here

Too much detail
 Click here

Shopping is complex!!! - XXX
 Click here

Typical male
 Click here

Surprise! It's me...
 Click here


From Rowan

Solve this
 Click here


From Trina

Final Three Candidates for Man of The Year
 Click here Click here Click here

What sorry really looks like
 Click here


From Whizzbang

You want me to do what??
 Click here

Frank Sinatra - Strangers On My Flight
 Click here

Smiles
 Click here

Fortune teller
 Click here

New computer age. Check this out
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Wedding Announcements
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From the Castlehill Books Mob

Demands of Kidnapper
 Click here


From Stonefish

Can you see Jesus?
 Click here


From Rosie (Daughter of Tony)

Coffee art
 Click here


From Croydon Caz

Why it is
 Click here

Ever wondered what sorry looks like?
 Click here

Here is the news
 Click here


From Leunig, Petty, Golding, and Tanberg

In the News
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From Moonboot

Christmas leave
 Click here


From Burnout and Muse

Lip Balm Test
 Click here


From Digi Maria

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important
meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, Homeless vagabonds
that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly
possesion in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons
condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight
would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick,
feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner
urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
 Click here

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........
 Click here
I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.


From Moose

Level 5 Water Restrictions -Deodorant sales will soar!!!!!
 Click here

Learn Chinese - A must for all overseas travellers
 Click here

The perfect woman ...
 Click here

Vanashing Barmaid
 Click here

Heathrow - Speakers on
 Click here

Extreme roadrage - Don't get on their wrong side
 Click here

For Sale VZ Commodore - Should be able to get it going again ...
 Click here

IQ test for professionals - This is for all our "boffins" out there?
 Click here


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Another from Stephen the Joker

                                       Clap Attack

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory.
To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby
town.  She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers
went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string.
This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and
on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the
grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major
expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down.

But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this
time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys
to clap with one hand?"


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Stonefish sent this one in

                               For Queen and Country

Be patriotic and play your part.

It is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked,
and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM , all British women are asked to walk out of
their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood
terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist
effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they
think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support
for all British women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.

The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and
applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

LAND OF HOPE & GLORY


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More from Sherwood Forest

                                  A Bridge Too Far

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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                                       PREGNANT

"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a
belligerent tone of voice.

Her mother paled.

"And it's all your fault," continued the girl.

"My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I
told you all about the facts of life."

"Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did
you?"


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                                       STRANDED

A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises
huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard!  He is stranded out in the
middle of the lake!

After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and two
women in it! The first man yells "Hey buddy... can I borrow one of your
oars??"

The other man yells back "They're not whores... they're my sisters.


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                                        HUNTING

Two blonde hunters from Toledo hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells
them the plane can take only three moose. The two Blondes objected
strongly.
"Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board ;
he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even
on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanley asked Wally "Any idea where we are?"

Wally replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


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More from Moose

                                    SEX IN THE DARK

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well,
after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would
break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband
was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly "I'll explain
the toy . . you explain the kids."


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And finally a variation on a theme from Whizzbang

                          Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


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Quote of the Week:


  "Our brave men and women in uniform are fighting a war of choice
   in which we sent our young people into harm's way without
   levelling with the American people."

                         Nancy Pelosi
                         Speaker Elect, US House of Representatives
                         Click here


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[ End friday humour ]


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