Friday humour - November 10, 2006


[from Steve at Bluehaze]

At last, some belated sanity is starting to appear in the US electoral
community, and the astoundingly arrogant Rumsfeld has finally fallen on
his sword. Here's hoping it is an omen for good old Down Under. The time
for unchallenged politics of fear is surely waning. It will be interesting
to see what the puppet does with nobody holding the strings.

For those of you who might be interested in our FH community's numbers, 
the Bluehaze Friday Humour web site has been running for nearly ten years. 
It serves 488 pages and 11,236 files totalling 5.5 Gigabytes, to 
37,737 users in 104 countries.

My favourite funny for this week is the African Booze Tree
 Click here

But for sheer gobsmackedness and jawdroppingness this clip takes the cake.
I have rarely been so amazed.
 Click here

And now its on to the weekly offerings courtesy of our ever reliable
contributors. Enjoy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Burnout

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3... You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
                   You will lose weight!

AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Australians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Australians
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Australians
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Australians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians

CONCLUSION .
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It pays to have private hospital cover

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing
that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious
that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, private health cover"

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From the Castlehill Books Mob

Muslim doll

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Croydon Caz

That's the way to show them!!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties to perform.

Terry had married an American girl and bragged that he had told her to do
all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and all the dishes were put away.

James had married an Australian girl and bragged that he had given his new
wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking.

He told them the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it
was better and by the third day his house was clean, dishes done and there
was a huge meal on the table.

Paddy had married a scouse girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered
her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Fosters John

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either
Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the
next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee
break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break -
strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day,
they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the
earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to
the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a
terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or jack off. "Jill said,
"Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man is very ashamed of his pe_is because of the size. He has an extremely
small pe_is and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the
size. One night when him and his girlfriend are making out in a dark
corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out
his small di_k, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently
waiting to see her reaction. His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering,
but I don't smoke."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the
same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust.
The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to
follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions
once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later,
he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his
father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping
away on the bed!

"Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"

Johnny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm
playing poker...and your mother's the wild card".

"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look
for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds
Ernie and his girlfriend Thelma humping away!

"Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!".

Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker,
Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard.

"Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He
opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny whacking off like it was
going out of style!

Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your
wildcard?"

Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

RESPONSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that
time-management course you sent me to."

"I was working smarter - not harder."

"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

"Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

"I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is
indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."

"I'm in the management training program."

"I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
work!"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."

"Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my
hands."

"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid
getting shot."

"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

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From Moose

Genuine Aussie ingenuity!!!!!!

Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull
this one off!

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few centimetres,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said;
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to  the Police station this
breathalyser equipment must be broken.

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

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From Nottingham Smithie

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia
his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a
kangaroo.

Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig
wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's
stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker
breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar.
How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out.
The pig will fall out." So the guy does this and as predicted the pig
falls straight out.

"OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MEMORIES
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper
with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker
or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing
board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man,
I am old.

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fis
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SURGERY
One of the hospital roommates I happened to have while recently recovering
from heart surgery was this poor strapping young farm boy from the boonies
who mangled his penis in an a motor cycle accident.

It was apparent from all the young farm fresh young lovelies that visited
the room that he was quite popular, Well I later learned that one of the
reasons for all the attention he was getting, was it seems, he and all the
male members of his family were exceptionally well endowed,

I really felt sorry for the poor guy til I heard from one of the interested
floor nurses that each of his male relatives had volunteered to donate one
inch each in an attempt to relieve his and no doubt his anxious harem's
misery.

About a week after the operation, returning to the room after a trip down
to X-ray, I seen the nurse in question hurriedly leave our room and found
the young man sitting upon his bed, crying.

I asked if there was a problem with his surgeon's handiwork and he
tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why in hell did the doc have
to go and put my Grandpa's inch in the middle?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TEN SIGNS YOU WATCH TOO MUCH FOOTBALL.
10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons.
8. To feel closer to some of your favourite players, you tear the cartilage
in your knee.
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on 'em.
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip.
5. During sex, you use a play clock.
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway.
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup.
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden.
1. After sex, you go for the 2 point conversion.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets
away.

Observing with dismay the carefree way in which the moving crew yanked his
cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from
possible damages a tall grandfather's clock, which he prized highly.
Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house.

But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to
put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow.
Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again.

After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his
destination, when a somewhat inebriated but friendly fellow who had been
watching his labours from the opposite side of the road took advantage of
a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as
possible.

The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three
things:
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

FAMILY PLANNING
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids," said the husband.
"And the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it
might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE TRUTH
Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some
talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his
wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you
been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks,
went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!"
she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus
had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The
poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the
trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of
downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Bush family dog, Spot, had to be put to sleep.
Well, he was 15 years old and President Bush said he had to be put down
because of a series of heart problems over the years.
Well, that's gotta make Dick Cheney kinda nervous.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis".

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Polish girl went to the gynaecologist.
She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.
The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a check-up?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up
there, but I have had several Hungarians."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at
the age of 19.
Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha,"
she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know
where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."
"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later
on."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three
grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I
can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My baby-sitter's boyfriend."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A woman on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree.
"Oh, marvellous and ancient oak," she enthused, "if you could only speak,
what would you want to say to me?"
A woman standing nearby commented, "It probably would say, "Pardon me,
madam, I am an elm."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What do men and noodles have in common?
They're always in hot water; they lack taste, and they need dough.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LAWS
When one wishes to unlock a door but has only one hand free, the keys are
in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of
Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will
start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So
Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do
something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the
instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably
because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem.
(Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances.
(Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you.
(Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for
all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will
always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly
proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring.
(Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.
(The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week
later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent,
and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of
Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out
alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)


                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomach-ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure
enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better
if you had something in it."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LIZARDS
Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter. They greet each
other. Billy recognizes a man with a somewhat unattractive lizard on his
neck. He asks "Why does the Pope have 2 lizards around his neck?"
To which St. Peter replies "Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he
must wear the lizards until he gives them up.
He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with 10 lizards around his neck and
states, "Ah, I get it. He had even more unresolved sins,
and he must wear them for longer."
"Correct," replies St. Peter.
Finally he sees Michael Jackson, with only one lizard on his neck.
Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Michael Jackson's neck he
asks St. Peter about this.
St. Peter replies, "Well, we needed to punish this particular lizard."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

INTEGRATION
The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in integration of
churches. After a few weeks of checking around, he called head-quarters to
file his report.
"How about the Catholics?" asks his boss.
"The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea."
"What about the Methodists?"
"They've come a long way," says the agent. "They're doing just fine."
"And the Baptists?" asks the boss.
"I just want to know one thing," he says... "When they baptize you, how
long are they supposed to hold you under?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

CONFESSION
The Priest had just finished hearing the mans confession and was
considering the mans penitence. "Are you sure you're going to try to set
aside all sin?"
"Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I hereby
resolve to double my efforts."
"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.
"Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both
worship and confess every week."
"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.
"Now just a minute, Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business,
not religion."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

CONCUSSION
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew
when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every
hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When she went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead.
Leaning close, she saw a crayon scrawled message taped to his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

GROANERS
Three young men, filled with Christmas cheer decided to serenade a number
of their female acquaintances with songs of the season. At
Betty's house they sang the mistress's anthem, "God Rest Ye Married,
Gentlemen" -- and Betty welcomed the gesture warmly with a round of egg
nog.
Encouraged, the trio moved on to Alice's house, where they crooned the
lament of the cherubs under stress, "Hark, The Harried Angels
Sing!" Alice rewarded the singers with glasses of steaming punch.
Buoyed by the spirits of the moment, the troubadours stopped next at Ina's
house. Unfortunately, no one was home. Keen to have her hear them, yet
feeling somewhat fatigued by their musical efforts, the leader suggested
that they return the next day.
"After all," he observed, "we can always carol Ina in the morning."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre?
After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured
only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy
Degas to make the Van Gogh."
And YOU thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like this.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens
and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem -
how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket.  Carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken  under each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your  way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Miss Violet, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist. "Miss Violet", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.

"! Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

T. Bubba Bechtel, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked on
an A.M. Local live Radio talk show the other day, just what he thought of
the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience. "If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's testicles to a car's
battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two
things to say":

"Red is positive, Black is negative".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From dkstr

Smart dog?

One day in a busy butcher's store, a dog walks in. The butcher not having
time to deal with the health hazard himself shouts at the dog to, "SCRAM!"
The dog promptly lowers his head and leaves the shop.

Later in the day the dog re-enters the shop and drops a piece of paper on
the floor. The butcher sees this and picks up the note and reads it. "Can
I please have 1lb of bacon and 12 sausages", the dog promptly drops a $20
bill on the floor. The butcher quite amazed at this performance prepares
the order, takes the money and gives the dog his change back. He places
the bag with the sale inside into the dogs mouth and watches him trot out
of the shop. Seeing that it was now about 4:30pm, the butcher decides to
close the shop and follow the dog.

He follows the dog 30 yards down the road where the dog gets up on his hind
paws and activates the pedestrian crossing lights with his nose. "Wow"
thinks the butcher who then follows the dog to the bus-stop, where the
dogs waits patiently for the bus.

After several buses have passed the dog jumps up and hails down the next
double-decker, he boards the bus and requests his destination and takes
his seat at the front of the bus. The butcher can't quite believe what he
is seeing. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs on the
other side. The dog rings the bell and alights his transport home. The
butcher then follows him for another 100 yards or so. The dog approaches a
house and lays down his bag of meat on the front porch. He then backs up
the front path and runs and throws himself at the front door.

'WHACK!'. The dog collides with the front door.

No answer, so he repeats this again, all whilst the butcher is watching
from the other side of the road.

WHACK!! again no answer.

This time the dog jumps up onto the wall and walks round the side of the
house where he taps on one of the windows with the side of his head and
walks back round to the door. This time the door opens. The owner of the
dog then enters into rage screaming and shouting at the dog. The butcher,
feeling that this very special dog was being abused, decided to get
involved and approached the owner:

"How can you have a go at your dog after what he ha s done? He is an
absolute genius!," to which the owner replied "Genius you say?
Well it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks multimedia collection comes from Burnout, Croydon Caz, Kevin of
Adelaide, dkstr, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang and others ...

As usual - be cautious opening them with others around!

First up - the images ...

Pantyhose quiz.
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, and an unknown number of hares, and
of course one
 Click here

Competing car ads in South Africa (open in order)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Alabama Medical Centre Emergency Room.
I don't think he's gunna make it......
 Click here

Some news
 Click here Click here Click here

For Sale - One Useless Cat...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Happy Halloween
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

October Fest?
 Click here

Don't ask and don't tell policy in the British police force
 Click here

Do we need diagrams?
 Click here

An interesting attitude - they are certainly achieving the objective.
 Click here

An oh hell moment.
 Click here

What kind of tree is this? (a big fat one!)
 Click here

Bank
 Click here

You have been good
 Click here

Just when you thought you had everything
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The Perfect Man
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
And the women who are still waiting for him ...
 Click here

Ever wonder why some people are single?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bored at the pub? Nobody chatting you up? (NAUGHTY but amusing!)
 Click here

Now this is a cruel tattoo...!
 Click here

Dad's Car.
200+ mph, only had some bruising (seat belt) and two small cuts.
Car loss $3 million.
Waiting list for a new one? Two years.
When can I drive Dad's car again?  Not less than a nuclear 1/2 life.
When will I not be grounded & see the light of day again? Same day the
polar ice caps melt.
Still alive....Priceless!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Superheros
 Click here

then the videos ...

New technical Innovation - Computer Screen Cleaner - move the mouse around
the screen to clean.
 Click here

Deal or No Deal!
 Click here

How's this for power?
 Click here

Women and Guns don't mix
 Click here

Who said the Russians don't have a sense of humour?
 Click here

Pole Dancing - Every home should have one
 Click here

What an amazing trick! (a repeat - but a worthy one)
 Click here

Scratch lottery tickets
 Click here

One for the boys
 Click here

Man's Favourite Tool
 Click here

WOW them on the job interview...
 Click here

OMG
 Click here

Turkish Bank Advert
 Click here

New Gym In Town - I bet there's more than a few guys who'd like to join
this gym...
 Click here

It is good to know there is help out there ...
 Click here

Bad Timing...
 Click here

then the MS powerpoints ...

Very cool pictures!!!
 Click here

Photo album
 Click here

then an MS document ...

Swedish stag night
 Click here

and finally - a sound file ...

Telemarketer's nightmare (really worth a listen)
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now back to the text stuff from the great mass of unidentified ...

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange depending
on the weather."

Second a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "

Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are gold or brown," said the teacher.

Third a Little Johnny in the back of the class says, "Does a fart have
lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! That's disgusting. Of course
not!!!"

"OK ... then I definitely have shit in my pants," said Johnny.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

1.  He has only one major publication.

2.  It was published only in Hebrew originally.

3.  It has no references and no bibliography.

4.  Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

5.  The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

6.  He never applied to the ethics committee for permission to use human
subjects.

7.  When one experiment went a wry, he tried to cover it up by drowning his
subjects.

8.  When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.

9.  He rarely came to class, just telling the students to read the book.

10.  Some claim he had his son teach the class.

11.  He expelled his first two students for sexual experiments with fruit.

12.  Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
continued to fail his test.

13.  He has no record of working well with colleagues or attending open
house.

14.  His lecture hours were sporadic and often held on mountaintops.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder
charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer,
she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked
into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty,"
the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true
that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross
indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack  -on the
roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of
London, in a blizzard, and you were totally nude ?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and
calmly said..... "What was the date again?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one
turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't  understand how you kin be so
much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I
just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small  'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the
car door Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em,
and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.  You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the
shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a
briefcase.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

              Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!

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[ End friday humour ]


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