Friday humour - November 03, 2006

[from Deano at Bluehaze]

Here in Australia we are in the grip of a severe drought that, due to the
lack of water to irrigate crops, has farmers selling cattle and sheep for
give away prices as they can't afford to feed them (although meat prices
in shops are increasing).  Sometimes I wonder if we are not really in a
drought but this is the "normal" weather pattern for Australia and over
the last 2 centuries of European occupation we have actually had a
temporary increase in rainfall leading to a perception that this is
"normal".  Maybe the politicians and weather scientists need to talk with
the Aboriginal elders to determine the weather patterns over the past
40,000.00 years as they have managed to live in this great country with no
impact on the environment.


Now to the humour with bucketloads of contributions.

First up from Burnout an explanation why it always seems to be Friday 13th?

October had a  Friday the 13th! Did you know that the 13th falls on a
Friday more than any other day? I know, it sounds implausible but it does.
Let's start by considering that our calendar repeats itself exactly every
400 years. So...if we count up the number of times that the 13th falls on
a Friday over 400 years, we can check out this factoid...

Try this:
1.	Start Microsoft Excel and open a new Workbook.
2.	In cell A1 type today's date: 13/10/2006 (and yes...that's in
little-endian format...see the last two E-Alerts).
3.	Press [Enter]. If you see ##### in column A, you may need to drag the
column slightly wider.
4.	In cell A2, type: ÚTE(YEAR(A1+30),MONTH(A1+30),13) This formula will
calculate the next 13th of the month.
5.	Click on cell A2 (don't let go of the mouse button!) and then drag the
selection down to cell A4800. Now you can let go!
6.	Click Edit > Fill > Down. This should now display the 13th of every
month for 400 years!
7.	In cell B1, type:  D(A1,7) and then press [Enter]. If you see ##### In
column B, you may need to drag the column slightly wider.
8.	Click on cell B1 (don't let go of the mouse button!) and then drag the
selection down to cell B4800. Now you can let go!
9.	Click Edit > Fill > Down. You will now see column B contains some dates,
all of which end in 1900. Don't worry, they still need to be formatted.
10.	Right-click on B at the top of column B.
11.	Click Format Cells > Number.
12.	Select Custom from the Category list.
13.	In the Type: field, enter: ddd Note: you may need to over-type the word
'General' to do this.
14.	Click OK. In column B, you should now see the corresponding day of the
week for each instance of the 13th in column A. As an aside, you can now
find out when Friday the 13ths occur by reading down ] column B for
Fridays and checking the date in column A. The next one is Friday 13th
April 2007.
15.	In cells C1 to C7, enter the numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 in a column.
16.	Right-click on C at the top of column C.
17.	Click Format Cells > Number.
18.	Select Custom from the Category list.
19.	In the Type: field, enter: ddd
20.	Click OK. You should now see the days of the week Sat-Fri in cells C1
to C7.
21.	In cell D1 type:  M(IF(B$1:B$4800Á,1,0)) Don't press [Enter] yet!
22.	Press and hold [Shift] + [Ctrl] and then press [Enter]. This formula
counts the number of days in the entire column B that match cell
C1.
23.	Click on cell D1 and then drag the selection down to cell D7.
24.	Click Edit > Fill > Down.
If everything has gone well...column D will now display how many times over
any 400-year period the 13th falls on each day of the week (as shown in
column C). You should see the following result:

Sat 684
Sun 687
Mon 685
Tue 685
Wed 687
Thu 684
Fri 688

So, the 13th really does fall on a Friday more than any other day. I've got
a horrible feeling that there will be more to say on this subject...


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And from Digi Maria, Moose, The Castlehill Books Mob, Nottimgham Smithie,
Maayan, Croydon Caz, Stonefish, Fosters John,


Women will appreciate....

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


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I want to Meet Muhammad
A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says,  "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven."
The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to 
meet Muhammad".
St. Peter says " Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you
will meet Muhammad."
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses.  Moses
says,  "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven."
The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, it's such an honour to meet you. But
like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad."
Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet
Muhammad".
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but
bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"
The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you, welcome to Heaven".  God
walks over and shakes his hand.  The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly
speak.
He says to God , "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe
it - this place is great.  But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended,
but I really want to meet   Muhammad."
God says "Ohh.. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem.  Have a
seat. Get comfortable.  Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"
The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee."
God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey, Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"

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Three Labrador retrievers one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting
in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... The sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it when I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The
yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, post-boxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off
for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


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From Croydon Caz


 PETER KAY ONE LINERS !

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said  Thyroid 
problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.    Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked 
him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I  don't  get on
with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So  ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston  Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different  names.  But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break  my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is  probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My  neighbour
Said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'

You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me  neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from  things 
they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I  think  I've
forgotten this before


 PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to  have a fire
in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you  at the 
first given opportunity.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half  way through
and then raced against the flush.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their  arm
broken by a swan.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece  of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting  i t  in a
fruit salad.

 SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get  undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way  down to the
core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your  bottom?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you  do  is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries'
have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
Horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think  I'll  squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,  but  don't 
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from  vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a  billion stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there  is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?


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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

(1) You got to find  somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like  it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-  Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're  going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find  out later who
you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age  10


WHAT  IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GETMARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is  the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
- Camille, age  10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to  get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his  age)


HOW  CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to  guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-  Derrick, age 8


WHAT  DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM  AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want  any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT  DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for  having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys  have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't  she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and  that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-  Martin, age 10


WHAT  WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and  play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they  wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age


WHEN  IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're  rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I  wouldn't want to mess with
that.
- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes  like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with  them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age


IS  IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) It's better for  girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after  them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW  WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET  MARRIED?

(1) There sure would  be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 12

 And the #1  Favourite is........


HOW  WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks  pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10


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Douglas The Crab

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply
and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship
until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears. "We can't see each
other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Douglas .
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a
mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are The lowest class of
crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."
Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to
drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far
and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to
join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable..
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.
The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the
floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways............ but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after
another!!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the
King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, Douglas the crab spoke.
"F*ck, I'm pi$$ed."


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Fosters John
From the File

A man goes into his son's room to wish him good night. His son is having a
nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK. The son
replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The
next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him good
night. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that his granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that the granddaddy is fine and sends him to
bed. The next day, the granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that his daddy had died.
The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man
goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure he is going to
die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of a
collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at
every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his
wife."Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my
entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the
doorstep this morning.


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Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where
my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entireroom for
the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change it manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


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Seamus call in to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "Me feet are freezin' mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"
"No bother" says Seamus and he runs off up the stairs.
There he sees Paddy's 2 stunning 19 year old twin girls sitting on their
beds.
"Hello girls, your Dad sent me up here to shag the both of you senseless."
"F*&^ off ya liar" they said.  "He wouldn't say that."
"I'll prove it" says Seamus.
So he shouts down the stairs "Both of them Paddy?"
"Of course" yelled back Paddy.  "Whats the use only f*&^ing one of them."


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Fail-proof test


Gender-testing


This is uncanny!


Are You More Male orFemale????????


 To find the Answer, look down.

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V

 V


 V

 V

 V

 V


 Not here, Stupid.   Just look DOWN !!!


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MODESTY
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.  In a
complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered  up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently  trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),  and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of
a ghost."

Happy Halloween


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SWOLLEN ASSHOLE
Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay
bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear.
When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine
and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender. The friend
recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the
area.
It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie
still in considerable discomfort, so he hobbled over to the office of a
proctologist who served the gay community. In the examining room, the
good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks. The doctor clucked
sympathetically and started investigating.
"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the
diagnosis?"
"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but the
tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."


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THE PROSTITUTE
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you
ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you
were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you
put your Mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
family - I don't want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate
for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy
the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a
breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my
new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a
Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."


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DECISIONS
A professor was conducting a class in decision making. In his first drill,
he picked a student from Georgia.
"Now son," he said, "I want you to tell me the decision you'd make in this
situation. You're driving a fully loaded truck down a mountain road at
seventy miles an hour. Just as you get close to an oncoming truck, two
cars pull out from behind him to pass. You hit the brakes and your brakes
go out. On your right side is a five hundred foot cliff; on your left side
in a one thousand foot precipice. Now, son, you have three second. What
would you do?"
"Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy."
"Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?"
"Leroy's my relief driver, sir. You see, he's from a small country town and
I'd want to wake him up 'cause he ain't never seen an accident like this
before."


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Battle of Britain

During the tense days at the height of the Battle of Britain, some desk
navigator at the War Office decided that it was imperative to boost the
morale of the pilots. It was decided that the best way to do this was for
the pilots to meet some of the young ladies among the British Aristocracy
in a social setting. To ensure that some of the young hellions among the
pilots didn't get carried away, a Wing Commander would be present to
protect the finer sensibilities of the debutantes from any excesses of
enthusiasm.

The first such event duly came about, and among the participants  selected
was Paddy, a young Irish pilot. A bit shy at first, he quickly thawed with
a few belts of Irish whisky and an admiring circle of young ladies, and
before long he was regaling them with the details of his latest sortie
against the Luftwaffe. The Wing Commander casually strolled over and
pricked up his ears just as Paddy said, "And there I was, with barely
enough fuel to make it back to the airfield, when I suddenly spotted these
three Fokkers diving down at me out of the sun..."

The Wing Commander swooped in at once. This was exactly the sort of thing
that could be misunderstood by the pampered and protected young
debutantes, and the last thing he wanted was a complaint to Air
Vice-Marshal Dowding about foul-mouthed pilots. "Excuse me a moment
please, Paddy." he interrupted, and turned the audience. "Let me explain,
ladies that the Fokker is among the Luftwaffe's finest aircraft, and both
their fighters and bombers have given us a great deal of trouble in
combat. Thank you Paddy, you can carry on with your story now."

Paddy shook his head soberly. "Yes Wing Commander, sure and you can say the
Fokker is a very fine fighting machine, and no one will deny it. However,
these three Fokkers I'm talking about were all Messerschmidts..."


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(Funny, but an untrue urban legend - Ed.)

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE
CENTURY.

A Charlotte, North Carolina, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
Small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The
lawyer sued and WON!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
That the claim was frivolous. The judge stated never-the-less, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy  and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART!

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him
Arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced
to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

ONLY IN AMERICA!


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And now for the pics, movies and lots of visual stuff.....

This pretty neat video about the Earth from: David at Sutherland

       Try this web site and turn up the sound. This clever piece
originated in Australia . It's also very informative. Just click once on
the link below. Be patient. It will start by itself.
        Click here


And another bumper crop from: Moose, David at Sutherland, M&Ms, Croydon
Caz, Stonefish, Digi Maria, Burnout The Castlehill Books Mob, Nottingham
Smithie, Davo, Whizzbang, Eric in his tree, Stonefish, and anonymous.

There are so many we have not been able to include them all this week.

Nannas Tats
 Click here Click here Click here

Bear Movie
 Click here

Family  Planning
 Click here

David Copperfield's Cat
 Click here

Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Where's the Teacher?
 Click here

Love Boat!
 Click here

Public Toilet
 Click here

Lost in translation
 Click here


What does a 320 pound woman look like?
The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like?
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image! of what you think
a woman who weighs 320 looks like....
Got it?
Ready?

 Click here Click here

Not what you were expecting, was it??!!
The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland .
She is 7'4" and weighs 320
What a relief!  Now we ALL know we aren't overweight, just too short!


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 Click here

 Click here


Bike tricks
 Click here Click here


Bank robbery (a bit gross)
 Click here
Won't do that again

LOTTO TICKET
 Click here


To lighten up your day.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Speedcam
 Click here
Only an Aussie could think of this!!!!!!!!!!!


Dwarfs
 Click here


Taking a Sickie..
 Click here
Hands up who has done this before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cat versus Dog:
 Click here
Don't mess with this pussy!!!!!!!!!!


Word of God
 Click here


HOOTERS FANS ONLY
Slide  cursor up and down page to raise and lower 'T'shirt. First click on
bottom of picture...
If you're a  Hooter Girls fan, you should really enjoy  this,,,,,,,:):)
 Click here


If you turn the sound up you can hear her breath
 Click here


Subject: how to get him shopping
 Click here


Roughing it on the road......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


All Cut Out of One Piece of Paper
 Click here
SOME PEOPLE HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS!!  IT'S PRETTY COOL
THOUGH.


Latest jeans in Japan
 Click here


Happy Samhain
 Click here


And now more funnies from the prolific Anonymous.....


Joe's funeral
Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As
the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to
her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased." "I'm
sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and then
leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen.
"Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The
wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial
Stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is
it?"
"Two and a half carats."


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NOT THE BEST PICK-UP LINES

Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?

For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce,  but then I
had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.

When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the
metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.

I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now
I just pursue gynaecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.


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Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell
down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult
life.
After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad
you decided to come to Mass.  What made you come?"
O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father.  A while back, I
misplaced me cap.  I really, really love that cap.  I knew that Donald
Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church
every Sunday.
I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I
figured he would leave it in the back of the Church.  So, I was going to
leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."
The priest said, "Well, Mr.O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal
Mr.Shaunassy's cap.  What changed your mind?"
O'Leary said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."
The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap
than burn in Hell, right?"
O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father.  After you talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ' I remembered where I left me cap."


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In a university biology class, the professor was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and
asked,"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in
sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor
girl's face turned bright red and, as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her things without a
word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
the back of your throat."


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A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."


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[ End friday humour ]


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