Friday humour - October 27, 2006


[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Every weekday The Age has a readers' poll on assorted issues.  Interesting
views abound.

The Age is correct to advise "These polls are not scientific and reflect the
opinion only of visitors (to the web site) who have chosen to participate.
Reasonable efforts have been made to make the voting process secure."

It would seem that most Age readers want the troops out of Iraq, are
disgusted with the new media laws, interference in the ABC, politicians
rabbiting on about"Australian values", behaviour of the banks, and the sale
of Telstra.

They don't want new dams (just rain!), agree with euthanasia, and IFV for
lesbians, think they're overtaxed, believe that global warming is the
biggest threat, and would like Steve Irwin to be named Man of the Year.

Of course responses often depend on the way the questions are framed but Age
readers' results are interesting and remarkably wise and tollerant in my view.

I'd prefer Terry Hicks (father of Gauntanamo Bay indefinite resident David
Hicks) as Man of the year and I recall he also did well in previous polls.

Let us hope that the new media laws passed during the week don't affect the
editorial integrity of The Age - one of the world's great newspapers.

Troops home? : Is it time to bring the troops home from Iraq?
    Yes - 87%    No - 13% 
Media laws : Will democracy be the loser in a new media landscape?
    Yes - 89%     No - 11% 
Bureaucracy gone mad? : Is the ABC's new anti-bias regime bureaucracy gone 
                        mad?
    Yes - 84%     No - 16% 
Media ownership : Are you concerned about the concentration of media 
                  ownership?
    Yes - 83%     No - 17% 
North Korea : Should Australia suspend food aid to North Korea?
    Yes - 42%     No - 58% 
North Korea : Should the World act to curtail the North Korean nuclear 
              threat?
    Yes - 65%     No - 35% 
Environment : Should another dam be built in response to Melbourne's water 
              shortage?
    Yes - 45%     No - 55% 
Language values : Should English language lessons for migrants be imbued 
                  with "Australian Values"?
    Yes - 38%     No - 62% 
Liberal Liberals? : Is the Liberal Party no longer liberal?
    Yes - 78%     No - 22% 
T3 shares : Would you purchase T3 shares? 
    Yes - 16%     No - 84% 
Irresponsible banks : Are banks lending irresponsibly?
    Yes - 76%     No - 24% 
Useless Janette? : Is Margaret Whitlam out of line in her attack on Janette 
                   Howard?
    Yes - 41%     No - 59% 
Sol's package : Has Telstra chief Sol Trujillo been worth his $8.7m package?
    Yes - 15%    No - 85%
IVF for lesbians : Should lesbians have the right to access IVF?
    Yes - 67%     No - 33% 
Higher education : Should full-fee university places be abolished?
    Yes - 77%     No - 23% 
Euthanasia : Should the states and territories legalise euthanasia?
    Yes - 90%     No - 10% 
Holiday coup : In the wake of the military coup, would you still holiday in 
               Thailand?
    Yes - 70%     No - 30% 
Over-taxed? : Are middle-upper income earners being over-taxed?
    Yes - 77%     No - 23% 
Citizenship : Would you support the introduction of a formal citizenship 
              test?
    Yes - 45%     No - 55% 
Racist Beazley? : Is Kim Beazley flirting with xenophobia?
    Yes - 48%     No - 52% 
Global warming : Do you believe global warming is the most significant 
                 threat facing humankind?
    Yes - 82%     No - 18% 
Vale Steve Irwin : Should Steve Irwin be named Australian of the Year?
    Yes - 74%     No - 26%                     
            ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~

This is a great little test of your knowledge of Europe sent in from Eric's
treetop in South Africa.

Map of Europe
 Click here


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And from Moonboot, everything you ever wanted to know about poo.

Ya`Poo
 Click here

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Don't miss Digi Maria's intriguing tale.  Try and follow all the clues.
You're sure to be enthralled by the sensational ending.  Later in FH ...

                               ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~

Before the funnies, here's a serious contribution from Nottingham Smithie
over in Sherwood Forest.


                               THE LAND OF THE FREE

'It is a rare occasion when a President can sign a bill he knows will save
American lives. I have that privilege this morning... And now, in memory of
the victims of September the 11th, it is my honor to sign the Military
Commissions Act of 2006 into law.'

                                   - President George W. Bush, Tuesday

Phew. Thank heavens for George W Bush, a man who actually cares about saving
lives, a man who actually cares about the legacy of the victims of 9/11. And
thank heavens for the Military Commissions Act of 2006. According to the
'fact sheet' on the Whitehouse website, the new act 'Will Preserve The Tools
Needed To Help Save American Lives.' Their capitals. It 'will allow the CIA
to continue its program for questioning key terrorist leaders and operatives
like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed - the man believed to be the mastermind of the
9/11 attacks. This program has been one of the most successful intelligence 
efforts in American history, and the Military Commissions Act will ensure 
that we can continue using this vital tool to protect the American people 
for years to come. With this bill, America reaffirms our determination to 
win the War on Terror.'

Sadly, there is a downside. Isn't there always? Well, this is quite a hefty
one. Habeas corpus, that cornerstone of any legal justice system worth its
salt, has, in the process of this law coming to pass, taken a critical
punch to the throat. Habeas corpus was terribly important if you ever happened
to find yourself arrested, detained and - god forbid - tortured by the
authorities. Essentially, it gave the detainee the right to have his or her
detention legally challenged in a court of law. A fair trial. Recourse. To
the law. It was basically all that stood between good government and Robert
Mugabe, and on Tuesday of this week, in signing the Military Commissions
Act, George Bush rolled the sacred writ up into a tiny little ball and, in
front of the whole nation, shoved it right up his ass.

The Military Commissions Act suspends habeas corpus for anyone deemed to be
an 'unlawful enemy combatant engaged in hostilities or having supported
hostilities against the United States'. And who does the deeming? Why, the
United States government of course! Sweet. As of this week then, anyone in
the United States may be arrested, detained and even tortured (but not
inhumanely or to the point of death) on the government's say-so.
Furthermore, said 'enemy' will have no recourse to legal representation.
They may be detained at the government's pleasure for as long as the
government's pleasure pleases. Furthermore, any evidence, including hearsay
evidence and evidence teased from suspects with the threat of drowning,
will be admissable in a court of law - if it ever gets to a court of law that
is, and if the judge in said court deems said evidence damning enough.

So there it is. The day George Bush killed freedom once and for all, and
actually had the balls big enough to blame it on the victims of 9/11.

What a guy. Somebody, please. Stop him.


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First up a couple of jokes from Moose who says "Didn't take long to start"

                                         Legs 11

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are
facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her
false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife
Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over
the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier
briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped".

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she needs
all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a
relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider
going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her
Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an
agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand
on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her
leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that
Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for
Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

                               ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
fucked, who will want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

                               ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river

                               ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~   ~ ~ ~

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has
left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her
shoe.


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                                   Midnight Madness

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.

He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in
the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal
sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he
jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"


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Here's some funny stuff from Nottingham Smithie

                                      Gratifying Pain

She whispered "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.

"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."

"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!


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                                        Breakout

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and
guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and
ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top
of
her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an
escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you , just
give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll
kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."


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                                        Boom Boom

An Irishman found a subway sandwich in the gutter with two red wires
sticking out of it, he phones the police emergency line and the
conversation went like this ...

Paddy...." I think a Shi'ite has been in the gutter"

Operator..."Well Sir! dogs often do that"

Paddy....." No Sir! You don't understand, I've found a sandwich with two
red wires sticking out of it, help me bejesus, I think it's a bomb"

Operator..." Is it tickin?"

Paddy......" No Sir, I think it's beef"


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This came from Stonefish

                                       Going Home

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg
to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes up,
and Yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in
the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!

Works Every Time!!!"


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These from Whizzbang

                                     Dickie Situation

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his
apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he
sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his
Johnson.  Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the
hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for
the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished
with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several
minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him
that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the
kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member
into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the
kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. With a
look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"


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                              Never hide in a lifeboat!

A young woman in Brisbane was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself off the Gateway Bridge. She went to the Bridge and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."  Moving closer,
he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to Europe ,and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Stradbroke Island Ferry."


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This from Slats

                              By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.  - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."  - Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming ... 
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,  
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once... - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.  - Henny
Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney
Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.  - Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."    - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"      
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."  - Anonymous


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And from Biggus (aka Fifi)

                                        Whirlybirds

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther
always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -
and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty
dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He
did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When
they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


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These are from Stephen the Joker

                                      On the way up

A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can
you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for
help.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared  inside the
machine.

"I need two copies of that."


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                                         Moving on

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that
he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven.
Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty
welcome and tells him to make himself right at home.

Then, Fidel notices that he accidentally left his luggage back in heaven
and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema. I'll send a couple of little
devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St.
Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one
comes up with the idea that they should climb over the wall and get the
luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel
says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten
minutes and we're already getting refugees."


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A quickie from Burnout

                                      Oh, The Pain

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde
kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such
glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as
tennis elbow?"

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From Liz and the Castle Hill Bookworms

                                         Free Meal

"A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly 
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I
Give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."


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These came from Jamie the Sparkie

                                       Idiots of 2005

Number One Idiot of 2005

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
room right away.


Number Two Idiot of 2005

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


Number Three Idiot of 2005

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that 
she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, 
the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.


Number Four Idiot of 2005

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.


Number Five Idiot of 2005

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't
believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that
the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the
police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


Idiot Number Six of 2005

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.


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Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for
judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "Since you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God. I have a question for Him". St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne
Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor
of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major
flaws in your design."

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't
even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.

Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Let's have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited
for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my
invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Allnutts

                                      THE SNEEZE

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went
back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her
nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard
of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's a good one from Digi Maria.  Read carefully and slowly ...

                                   Horror Story

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears
...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him ...

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

On his heels, the terrified man runs.   Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,
the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his
breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.  Bumping and clapping
toward him.  The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket ...

And ...

[ end of the joke follows the next submission ...  Ed ]


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Newsflash from Sarge from B1 Bottling Line


December 9, 2005 (CNN)

While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper
skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting
members of al Qaeda in Afghanistan.

The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


End of Digi Maria's suspenseful Horror Story joke ...  [two jokes back]


... on his heels, the terrified man runs.   
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is 
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With 
a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward 
him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can 
find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket ...

And ...

The coffin stops.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks pics are from Croydon Caz, Moonboot, Allnutts, Ursula, Maayan,
Burnout, Digi Maria, Whizzbang, Trina, Biggus, Nottingham Smithie, and
Moose.

From Burnout

Never Iron next to your phone
 Click here

Estrogens and Women
 Click here

Oh My God!!    (XXX)
 Click here

Boys!!!
 Click here

Beer Comparison
 Click here

Women's Favourite Ring
 Click here

Not Everyone Can Use a Digital Camera
 Click here


From Croydon Caz

In a world without Health & Safety
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Even Baby Pandas Have To Sneeze!!
 Click here


From executive territory Ursula

Prom Day in "The Hood"!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Allnutts

I think I will skip this trip File
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Holy Shit!
 Click here

Nursing home dream
 Click here

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take
home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to
take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given
green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with
glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so
they could see the process. It was great fun! They planted cactus seeds in
the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children
were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and
small
ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home
instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

 Click here

From Digi Maria

"The Last Photo I Ever Took" Contest ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From Moose

Great signs
 Click here Click here

Definitely land lubbers!
 Click here

A Riddle
 Click here

After vacation this family noticed their water bill was very high. Nothing
was leaking, and it appeared no one had been in the house. The dog was
still
outside, and the cat was still inside, so they were stumped as to how so
much water had been used. They suspected someone was turning on a tap and
running it during the night. Last night they heard water running, grabbed
the camcorder to get a movie of the law breaker in action to give to the
police. The water thief was caught on tape!

 Click here

Printing issues
 Click here

Fart Mask
 Click here

Cop that - Puts Jeff Fenech to shame!!!
 Click here

One for the family album
 Click here

Local Carwash Fundraiser
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Look at these green sneakers! This girl has no fashion sense at all.
 Click here

The "Road of Death".
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


From Biggus

Comic assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From the Sheriff of Nottingham's best mate ... Our Smithie

It's a strange old world
 Click here Click here

Toilet humour not an English monopoly
 Click here

War
 Click here

Oh when you're young
 Click here


From Whizzbang - Earl of Pooley

Hyundai ad
 Click here

Australian Tax Refund
 Click here

Ford  Capri launch
 Click here


From Maayan

Happy Halloween
 Click here


From Moonboot     [ Hope things are going OK Moonie ]

The latest Autobiographies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Trina

Amazing NASA photo of water on Mars
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Burnout sent this stuff in

                                 Women's matters

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in
labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in high school.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


          10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-call 0800......".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                  TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand :

1. OTHER WOMEN


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This from UK Croydon Caz

                                   Wankety Wanks

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy
rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this
was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture
of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church.".

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be
financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost
you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper............. ..... "They must have
seen you coming!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Eric's treetop in South Africa

                                     Double trouble

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy,
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys,
then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just
ain't gonna be your day, is it Cupcake?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                            Perfect Day for a Woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. Perfect Day for a Man:

                            Perfect Day for a Man:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lbs. 5:00 Jet back home.
En route, get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip
steak.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        EXCUSES

Two city type chaps were having a sly pint during lunchtime one afternoon
but after a while it got a bit out of control booze-wise and they were both
rapidly getting spannered.

Suddenly and without warning one of the chaps thew up down the front of his
suit. "I think I'd better go home" he said.

But his buddy replied "No need my friend, just do what I always do in this
position, put a 10 note in your breast pocket, and when your lovely wife
asks you about the puke stain all down the front of your suit, say that a
bloke in the pub did it and if you don't believe me theres the 10 that he
gave me for the dry cleaning in my top pocket".

"Brilliant". So the binge carried on until closing, by which time the two
of them were TOTALLY wasted.

On getting home the chap with the puke problem was confronted in his
hallway by his wife... "Look at the state of you, you are despicable, 
disgusting, vile".

"It's not what it seems to be" he replied, and continued to tell the lie
about the chap in the pub "and if you don't believe me there's the $10 he
gave me for the dry cleaning in my breast pocket" he said.

His wife, being a suspicious type, reached into his pocket. "Hang on" she
said, "there's $20 in here".

To which the drunk replied "He also shat my pants".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         SNAILS

Have the neighborhood kids ever played the trick on you where they knock on
your door and then disappear? Well they have to me. So you can perhaps
relate to my reaction when, several years ago while I was busy eating
dinner, I heard a knock at the door. Upon answering the door, I didn't see
anything, and was about to give up in disgust until I looked down. There at
the bottom of my doorstep was a tiny little snail, obviously left there by
kids.

Having better things to do with my time besides tend to snails, I picked it
up and threw it as far as I could. Three years later I was eating dinner
again when someone knocked at the door. Upon answering it I didn't see
anything... until I looked down, and there stood the snail. The snail
looked up at me and said, "What was that for?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   GREEK AMERICAN

A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. A Greek-American tourist
complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how 
long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Greek.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
Greek-American.

The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs
and those of his family.

The Greek-American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with
my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a
little, play the bouzouki, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The Greek-American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help
you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the
extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the
extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a
third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of
selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the 
processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this 
little village and move to Athens, Los Angeles or even New York City! From 
there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Greek.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the Greek-American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the
Greek-American, laughing. When your business gets really big, you can start
selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta
with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing and playing the
bouzouki with your friends."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                Stewardess Blondie

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to
eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he
noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in
at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Another from Biggus

                                       Nice Funeral

Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to
her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and then
leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The
wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial
Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is
it?"

"Two and a half carats."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally from Allnutts

                                  Sleeping with Daryl

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly, ex-football
player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


  "As the hardline stance on Iraq begins to crumble, Australia waits
   for further instructions from the White House."


                                                    The Age, 21 October 2006


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]


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