Friday humour - October 20, 2006

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Herewith another Friday Humour made possible by the constant stream of high
quality contributions from all you folk out there.

My favourite this week -
 Click here

As usual - please be careful opening files when others can see!

Enjoy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Croydon Caz and Allnutts

Scottish Compassion

Bono, the lead signer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little
self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience
for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few
seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,
pierces the silence...

"Well, f*cking stop it then!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Fosters John

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As
she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her t_ts and
says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your
bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs
her ar_e and says, "If you firmed this up a bit, you
wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while
his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his dick
and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to
keep sleeping with your brother.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Maayan

The 21st Century:
Our communication -  Wireless
Our dress -          Topless
Our telephone -      Cordless
Our cooking -        Fireless
Our youth -          Jobless
Our food -           Fatless
Our labour -         Effortless
Our conduct -        Worthless
Our relation -       Loveless
Our attitude -       Careless
Our feelings -       Heartless
Our politics -       Shameless
Our education -      Valueless
Our follies -        Countless
Our arguments -      Baseless
Our boss -           Brainless
Our Job -            Thankless
Our Salary -         Very  less
Our Future -         Hopeless

Have a good day, with LESS problems!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Moose

Seminars for Women
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are
now available for women on the following subjects:

1.. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2.. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3.. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4.. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5.. Bathroom Etiquette l: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6.. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7.. Communication Skills l: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8.. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9.. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10.. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11.. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12.. Introduction to Parking
13.. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14.. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15.. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16.. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17.. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18.. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19.. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20.. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21.. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22.. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23.. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24.. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25.. TV Remote's: For Men Only

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered,
saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with
Robert Campbell?"


Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number
to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a
C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
"You're a  C*nt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me
off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the
idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I
wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt  (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the
Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes,
it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I
asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house,
and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a
good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as
I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" 
"Yes?" "Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I
came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

"Hello?" "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he
asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 129 Alice Street,
Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the
front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And
you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really
scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, C*nt," I said. He yelled,
"If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I
said. "I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's
your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie
war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just
in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each
other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News
crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Nottingham Smithie

RETIREMENT
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:   Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:   Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:   There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:   The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:   Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers:   They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
Answer:   NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer:   They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:   Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers:  The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer:   If you cut classes! , no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?
Answer:   He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can
relate to some of them!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LITTLE JOHNNY
One day, Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. She
announced
that they were going to play a little game where she would say a letter,
and
she would pick one person in the class to say an animal that started with
that letter.
So first the teacher said the letter "C", and there were several kids with
their hands raised, but Johnny was jumping up and down, so the teacher
thinking, "Oh no, not Johnny" picked on Susie. Susie said, "Cow."
The teacher said very good. Next the teacher said the letter "S". There was
Johnny jumping up and down trying to get the teacher to call on him, but
instead she called on Billy. He said "Snake". Good she said.
Next she called out the letter "R", and once again there was Johnny jumping
up and down, in the aisle to get the teacher's attention. So the teacher
thinks to herself, "I can't think of anything bad that starts with an 'R'",
so she calls on Johnny.
"A Rat..." Johnny says, spreading his hands about 12" apart, "with a big
fucking dick this long."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE TEXAN TEST
1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
a) all foods
b) all foods
c) all foods
d) all foods

2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
True
False

3) What is 8 + 3 ?
a) what?
b) the number of people living in your trailer home
c) fertilizer
d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three

4) I will cheat on my husband...
a) for a quart of Schlitz
b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
c) because he cheats on our daughter
d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove

5) I wash my underwear when...
a) I go swimming with it on
b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains

6) I brush my teeth when...
a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed
c) it rains
d) Never. I don't have teeth

7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?
a) 15-20
b) 21-25
c) 26-30
d) beer

8) My favourite book is...
a) TV Guide
b) Jaws
c) Bob Barker's Bio
d) What is a book?

9) Country music is so great because...
a) it makes me cry
b) it goes good with fried food
c) they play it at all our favourite truck stops
d) Black people can't dance to it

10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than...
a) Oprah
b) okra
c) a V8 engine
d) greased up goats

11) Cholesterol is...
a) monster truck fuel
b) a laxative
c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
d) don't know

12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy
a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"

13) Women should...
a) never clean house unless they're naked
b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
d) bait their own hook

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

QUAKER
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a
tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping
cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the
official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in
black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one.
When the man reached the counter with his selections the
clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was
trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice. "No joke?" asked
the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?" The man,
looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker." "Wow!"
the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before.
Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be
tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said,
"Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk
leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man
said, "Screw Thee."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LITTLE JOHNNY
The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes bitching
to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and
notices Little Johnny
fucking a goat in the yard. She walks in the house and screams to his
father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in school and now, now
he's being carnal with a goat in the yard!" "Son of a bitch! Today is my
turn!" shouted his father.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WHY GOLF IS POPULAR
The following is forwarded not to offend tennis, basketball, football or
soccer fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in
its proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even
play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may
shed light.
Golf is an honourable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being
honourable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they
play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they
travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of
another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on
which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them
up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National
Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament,
including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30.
The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost
around $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best
in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and
drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football
stadiums. I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last
year, and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I
would not be allowed to stay in the stadium.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like
the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake
your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime
Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. Ladies
are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer funded sports stadiums and
arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and
nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a
baseball.
Golf Courses don't ruin the neighbourhood.
Finally, here's a slice of golf history I thought you might enjoy.
Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even
dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership
board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes
exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By
limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a
round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Now you
know.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

BIRTHDAY PRESENT
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been
invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he
wanted to get
something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes.
One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they
were all the same, he
chose a red one and had it gift wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she
lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare,
She Ain't What She Used to Be!" (Sadly, the 2nd b'day surprise he wanted to
give her had to be cancelled. He was relegated to the
couch for the night, while she slept in the bed behind a locked door. Be
advised husbands - that kind of screw-up WILL cost you at
least a dozen roses & a box of expensive chocolates the next day !)

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SHORT ONES
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening
was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly
said, "Hey! You want see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the
hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design.... Does it also come in men's
sizes?"


Miss Jones was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father
earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what
would  she have?" Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"


If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's
children would actually have had to have sex with one
another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof
positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

What is the definition of the perfect wife? A rich mute nymphomaniac that
owns a liquor store...

Sex is a lot like doing laundry, if you have a small load, do it by hand!

 bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State
Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde
would never throw bread to the helicopters.

Blondes don't worry about flat tires because, as they reason... "Heck, it's
only flat on the bottom. If I need to go somewhere, I'll
just drive on the top half."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Cajun Funeral
One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin,
Boudreaux made his confession. "We all been friend for tirty
years and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis before because I didn't
wanna ruin our friendship, but Im gay. Fontenot looked over
at Thibodueaux and said, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't
gonna say nutin' because we didn't wanna embarrass you.

Boudreaux thanked them for thier understanding and continued: "Da reason
I'm tollin' ya'll dis is cause I got AIDS and I got six
munts to live. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise
me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem
caskets and I wanna be cremated." "Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from
dat bridge up over dis here water, where we've spent! so
much time togeder."

Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what
their friend had asked. Sho'nough, six munts later Boudreaux
died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was
about to trow them out when Thibodeaux stopped him:

"Wait, you gotta say somtin," he said. "I donno what to say. I never was
much about goin' to church, "Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux,
he scratch his head. "Just say somtin'... anyting. Make it ryhme."

Fontenot him, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out
over da water and said: "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If
you liked pussy, You'd be here wit us!!!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Horatius

Who has not thrilled to the story of Horatius at the bridge? How he and two
Other Romans stood off the Army of Lars Porsena until
the bridge to Rome Could be destroyed? How his companions ran to safety as
the bridge began to Fall? How Horatius, only after the
bridge was down, quit his post and swam The Tiber to safety? Here is a
translation of a papyrus found recently which Requested an
award for Horatius:

.......................................................................
Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honour
TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome
I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal
Of Honour.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honourable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena
Of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain
Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held
the entire Tuscan army At the far end of the bridge,
until the structure could be destroyed, Thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of
Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius
Are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion

***************
Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III

For comment.

********
IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC
TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the
Effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well
dispersed Tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as
written might Be construed to cast aspersions on our fine
army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable
Initiative." Captain Horatius command was II men, only
I/IV of a squad.

J.D.
********

IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX
TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is
Classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus
Of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy
forces."

J.H.
********
IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI
TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE,
Has been given credit for military service in error.

E.J.

********
Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI
TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honour cannot be awarded in peacetime
AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

P.B.

********
VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI
TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.

L.J.

********
VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI
TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as
Appropriate.

E.J.
********


VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI
TO: JAG
For opinion.

G.C.

********

IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of
Bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.
********
X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.

********
XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current
Delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were
given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.

T.J.

********
XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI
TO: G-I
A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very
Sensitive about the Horatius affair.

E.T.
********
XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI
TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the
Endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C.
Horatius to One of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits
Interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival
at final Destination.

L.T.
********
Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, and Department of War
TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O
Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the
Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully
considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain
Unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and
Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government
property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by
II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword,
officers; III/IV Talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation
Of government funds and property. The budget must be
balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bob and his wife lived in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to
the radio, they heard the announcer say, "We are going to
have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get
through." Bob's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the
snowplough can get through." Bob's wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they were having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today.
You must park." -- and then the electric power went out.

Bob's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all of us men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Bob said, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Teacher draws a penis on the board, and asks the children  "Does anyone
know what this is?" A little kid says "My Dad has two of
them, a small one for peeing, and a bigger one for cleaning the
babysitter's teeth"

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None!
Let the bitch cook in the dark!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...?

Amnesia          What did you just ask me?
Apathy           I don't care.
Bigotry          I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Dyslexia         Beeing Sackwards
Egotistical      I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive          Go do your homework.
Flatulent        That question really stinks!
Hostility        If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Ignorance        I don't know.
Indifference     It doesn't matter.
Influenza        You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia         I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Narcissism       Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective  I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid         You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination  I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive       I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered    Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious       Why are you asking me all these questions?

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The clouds may float across the sky,
The bee may kiss the butterfly,
The sparkling wine may kiss the glass,
and you my friends . . . . . . . . . . .

Your health!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From dkstr

Eye Tic.

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young.

Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins.

Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for
aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This week the multimedia offerings are from Allnutts, Burnout, Croydon Caz,
Davo, Digi Maria, Duke, Eric in his tree, Moonboot,
Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Sister Carol and Whizzbang.

First up - the images ...

Pass this on .... It's a cracker
 Click here

Wife's Birthday Surprise
 Click here

Fancy a sausage?
 Click here

How to tell if you need to pray at work...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Which One's Fake?
From the Following seven pictures, can you spot the fake photo?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Nice name!!
 Click here

Sound advice
 Click here

I Love Frankston - What a great place to live!
 Click here

Kodak moments.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

This elevator has a painted floor ...
 Click here Click here Click here

Short fairy tale...
 Click here

The perfect wife
 Click here

What are you doing?
 Click here

... Then some movies ...

Motor Bike Moments
 Click here

Perfect Girl Friend
 Click here

She's bringing sexy back! Would you pay money to see this?
 Click here

Why You Should Tip The Maid
 Click here

Stripped
 Click here

Ultimate in Togetherness
 Click here

Its for you
 Click here

... then the MS Office type docs ...

Man in space
 Click here

Photo Shop
 Click here

Thursday philosophy
 Click here

Are you a Bogan?
 Click here

... and lastly a couple of web pages ...

Red square - not so easy ...
 Click here

Clinton vs Bush!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now back to text for some offerings from the anonymi ...

Being a Union member

A dedicated Teamsters' union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got
to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe
all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year
old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years
seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

              Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]


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