Friday humour - October 13, 2006

[From Deano at Bluehaze]

Hi Folks,

Well, it is my turn to present this weeks edition of Friday Humour.   Just
for a change I have varied the presentation this week.  I have put the
pictures and movie files first and have followed them with the written
funnies.

As always - remember to use caution when opening the files!

Lots of pics and movies this week with contributions from Burnout, Croydon
Caz, Allnuts, Cartographer Chris, Brett V, Smithy, Moose, Muse, Nottingham
Smithie, Stonefish, Whizzbang, Neil W and Anonymous

Safe Sex Dress
 Click here

Undies
 Click here

Charming
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Wedding bliss
 Click here

Mouse Trap
 Click here

Woodpecker
 Click here

Mushroom
 Click here

Aviation Safety Video
 Click here

It's always important to moisturise!!
 Click here
Yeeeurrrk!

In an office ? ha ha
 Click here

How sweet.
 Click here

Lost in translation
 Click here

Some funny films

 Click here

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Wherethehellareyou
 Click here

Candidate for Man of The Year! NOT!
 Click here

The Butterfly Effect
 Click here

This is great
 Click here

Guess Who's Back :->
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Virgin Plane
 Click here

Small Accident ...read before opening " To my Darling Husband, I have to
inform you of something before you return from your overseas trip, I had a
very tiny, absolutely small accident...I was returning from work in the
ute, as I was turning into our drive way, I slightly accelerated instead
of stopping...
I'm really sorry, but I know you will find forgiveness in that sweet heart
of yours!!!"
 Click here Click here


Photos only blokes would take
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Best ever break up letter
 Click here

If you don't want him, neither do I
 Click here

Spot check
 Click here

This is a bloody miracle or what
 Click here

Suck it up
 Click here

Yorkshire
 Click here

Monekey Buds (comm)
 Click here

Pumpkin scooping made easy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Persian cats are made and more...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Perfect vehicle for a lady
 Click here

You cannot teach wisdom
 Click here

Morning After Beer Commercial
 Click here

Beautifying the world
 Click here

It isn't always what you think!!
 Click here

Call in Sick and...
 Click here

hot bods
 Click here

Oh help. Oh yeah...
 Click here Click here

Sydney olympic weight lifting Team
 Click here

Breath in!
 Click here

72 Virgins
 Click here

Precaution (commercial)
 Click here

The entrance to Bin Laden's cave?
 Click here

This is for all of the people who order chicken from a Chinese restaurant

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
Be careful !!......It may LOOK like chicken but is it REALLY chicken ??
RATS 
BURNING THE HAIR OFF THEM 
WASHING THEM BEFORE COOKING 
CUTTING THEM UP INTO PIECES THAT SIMULATE CHICKEN PARTS 
PREPARED FOR DEEP FRYING WELL
SEASONED TO TASTE GREAT!!!!
ALL DONE AND READY TO EAT!!!
CLOSER LOOK THE OTHER "WHITE MEAT" 
BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN EATING OUT AT YOUR LOCAL RESTAURANT.......

Ah! I remember those days well!
 Click here

Wedding doves!
A priceless treasure for the wedding album!
READ BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE 
Imagine the following:
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto the
church steps.
The photographer raises his camera.
Following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you
will release together. You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder
with a dove in your hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait.
The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the
sky. Not a dry eye in the house, the camera flashes; the moment is saved
for eternity....
AND YOU THOUGHT THE DOVES WERE GOING TO POOP, DIDN'T YOU!!!
 Click here

British politics
 Click here

Both of these aren`t too bad
 Click here Click here

Are You A Bogan?
 Click here

OH&S hearing protection
 Click here

Wedding...
 Click here

Be grateful
FOR ALL, WHO MAY BE HAVING A BAD DAY 
It could be worse!
 Click here

Real News Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Computer frustration
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Just plain wrong
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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The World Cup show
This is actual footage from the 7 O'Clock show - and apparently Les didn't
even notice.
Page 3 strikes again...
Only IN Europe hey !!
 Click here

What is going on???
 Click here

The detail that kills your photo !!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

First Time Jeune
So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And the big question...
Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!
 Click here

The First Hybrid Motorcycle
 Click here

The Drug Problem in Australia
 Click here

Pool & Dominos
 Click here

Lemonade Stand
 Click here

My mouse won't work.........
 Click here


Pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


This is cool
 Click here


Smack the Penguin'
Read the instructions and click on the link....
Click on the polar bear to make the penguin jump.
swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice!
 Click here


BABY HIPPO

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the
Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old
tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials
said.
The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650
pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean , then forced
back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26,
before wildlife rangers rescued him.
"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male
tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy
with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of
Lafarge Park, told AFP.
"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had
to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on
the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep
together," the ecologist added."The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the
way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo
becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu
added.
"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature,
hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four
years," he explained.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
This is a real story that shows that our differences don't matter much when
we need the comfort of another! .  We could all learn a lesson from these
two creatures.
Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Click on this link and you will see a man.  Put the cursor of your mouse on
his face  and leave it there and see what happens... bizarre?
 Click here


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Now for some of the written stuff.  Truckloads of contributions this week
with items from Anonymous, Eric in his tree, Muse, Stonefish, Moose,
Maayan, Man of Kent, Whizzbang , Burnout, Croydon Caz, Lish, Fosters John,
Nottingham Smithie, and you know who you are


A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some
special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an
eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got
dem on the wrong feet!".


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You find out interesting things when you have sons, like 
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 
4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too
late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


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The four most important things for a plumber to learn:
Hot on the left, cold on the right.
Shit flows downhill.
Payday is Friday.
Don't chew your fingernails.


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One evening John knocked on Frank's door.  It was an apartment located on
the 31st floor of a high rise building.  They planned to spend a night on
the town and had agreed to meet at Frank's place.
But Frank was not yet ready.  When he answered the door he still had
shaving cream on his face.  Frank invited John in and told him to make
himself at home while he waited.
John sat on a chair and picked up the daily newspaper, but he was soon
distracted by something that brushed against his leg.  When he looked down
he saw a small and very cute dog.  It was apparently friendly; it wagged
its tail and then ran across the room to pick up a rubber ball which it
deposited at John's feet.  The dog obviously wanted to play.
So John rolled the ball across the floor and the dog retrieved it. John
rolled it in a different direction, and again the dog brought it back. 
That went on for ten minutes, and John was tiring of the game.
This time he threw the ball hard.  It sailed through a sliding glass door
that led to a balcony overlooking the street far below.  The ball went
over the handrail and began to fall to the street.  The little dog was
right behind it.
John felt bad about that.  He stepped out onto the balcony and looked down.
 Below him he could see that the dog had splattered itself on the concrete
and a small crowd was gathering.
He went back in and sat down, wondering what to tell his friend. Soon Frank
appeared.  He was now ready to go.  John looked at him and said, "Frank, I
have some bad news for you - but before I tell you what it is, let me say
that the first thing I noticed when I walked in was how very, very
depressed your dog looked."


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The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This
is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend,
co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my pay check.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun 
2. Psychotic Mood Shift 
3. Perpetual Munching Spree 
4. Puffy Mid-Section 
5. People Make me Sick 
6. Provide Me with Sweets 
7. Pardon My Sobbing 
8. Pimples May Surface 
9. Pass My Sweat pants 
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 
11. Plainly; Men Suck 
12. Pack My Stuff 
and my favourite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect


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Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big
black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter
alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood
right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and
you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough
sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally
recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the
grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned
around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting,
do you?"


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All Puns Intended
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."  "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8.      Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you ," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,  so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it  too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,  and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office,
and asked them  to disperse.  "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,  which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his  feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him.... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of  the puns would make them
laugh.

No pun in ten did.


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Rhyming Suitors
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for
them.
As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular
evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the
first time this had occurred.
As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his
shotgun, not to menace or threaten, but merely to ensure that the young
man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the
door and the lad said "Hi, my name's Joe,
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show,
is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said 
"My name's Eddie,
I'm here for Betty,
we're gonna get some spaghetti,
is she ready?"
Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck..."
and the farmer shot him.


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Not just those born prior to 65!
Is this you?
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most
advanced programs from Norton, Trend, or McAfee cannot take care of this
one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh My!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS. "


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Daughters
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a
bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all
promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how
marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was
again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month,
a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African 
Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!
 Click here Click here Click here


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Hypnosis Humour
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they are gone. No more headaches" The
husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife  replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told  me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache;
I do not have headache, I do not  have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all  gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for  that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom.  He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right
back."
He goes into the bathroom  and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!' The husband says, "Don't move! I
will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral's on Monday.


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Neoligisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by roctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxershorts worn by Jewish
men.


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Women, Wine & Hair
Men! Take note....
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of   dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.  Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The
homeless woman was astounded.  "Won't your husband be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The
woman replied, "That's okay, It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."


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Divorce
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to  45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,   And
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to
55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
60. "I want the car, too," he continues.
65  mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."


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Sane?
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound  mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry,
but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon
can I go home?"


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Good titles for Carers at home A woman named Emily renewing her driver's
license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her
occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean
is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a .?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mum."
"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation...... 'housewife' covers it," said
the clerk emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same
situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously
a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title
like, "Official  Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human
Relations."
The clerk paused, pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though She had not
heard right.
I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I
stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on
the official questionnaire!
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your
field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I
have a continuing programme of research, (what mother doesn't), in  the
laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (the whole bloody family), and already have
four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most
demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree.?) and I often
work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging
than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a
satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the girl's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
When I got home, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was Greeted by my
lab assistants -- ages 10, 7, and 3. Upstairs, I could hear our new
experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development
programme, testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had triumphed over bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official
records as someone more distinguished and  indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mum."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on
the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the Field of
Child Development and Human Relations", and great grandmothers "Executive
Senior Research Associates"??? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants".


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The real, lurking Australian terrorist threat
 Click here
A serving police officer with covert investigative duties writes:
Unfortunately, Australia has never been really committed to the "war on
drugs". And, unfortunately, the Australian Crime Commission, the AFP,
Customs, every state police force and the ATO have failed miserably to
halt, reduce or even affect a significant dent in the importation,
manufacture and distribution of amphetamines. The threat and the damage
wrought by these drugs is costly and real.
The largest source of these drugs are the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs or OMCGs
as they are known in the police vernacular. Approximately 40 gangs of
various sizes exist in Australia with local or nationally distributed
chapters. The main players are the Hells Angels, Rebels, Gypsy Jokers,
Bandidos and Finks. These are, by any definition and assessment,
organised crime gangs with a predilection for violence and extortion.
Their ranks include lawyers, accountants and other professionals able and
willing to launder money through finance companies, hold and hide assets
and engage in other behaviour with the sole aim of ensuring their criminal
profits remain intact and grow.
In reality they constitute the largest terrorist threat to Australia.
Jammah Islamiah, Al Qaeda and sundry other terrorist groupings are, of
course, real. But the total cost of damage and destruction wrought by
their activities on Australian soil is zero.
Not so the bikies. Estimates vary, but the cost of their activities,
with around 3,500 hard core members and a significantly larger number of
associates and sympathisers, is around the $2.2 billion per annum. Total
deaths directly attributable over the last 10 years is 38, and this
doesn't include assaults, theft, extortion, indirect deaths arising from
drug distribution, or their general terrorising and intimidation.
Since coming into government on the back of promises of clearing the
streets of these scum, the South Australian Premier Mike Rann has
successfully closed no bikie-associated businesses or fortresses. He has
not removed a single gang from SA streets. Similarly, the OMCG presence in
every state but WA has persisted and grown, not necessarily visually,
but certainly in terms of criminal activity. WA has been the only state
where police have actually had some impact, although that has waned over
the last three years. The ACC has proved monumentally ineffective and drug
seizures by Customs and AFP, so prominently displayed on national
television, represent at best an estimated 3 or 4 % of imports or
manufactured material. True, this is an increase on previous efforts and
is to be commended, but it is still relatively small.
More worrying are the extended links with North American outfits,
especially the HAMC, Bandidos and (covertly) the Rock Machine. The BC HAMC
(British Columbia), with chapters or activities in Nanaimo,
Victoria, Vancouver and elsewhere, are one of the richest, if not the
richest, OMCGs in the world. Almost all of the amphetamine trade and trade
in illicit weapons is undertaken by American OMCGs.
While the international terrorist threat by extremist Islamics is real and
high profile, the actual terrorist activity is currently being executed
under our very noses. Yet no anti-terrorist legislation has been invoked
by the Federal Government against these criminal organizations and ASIO
has been noticeable by its absence in the fight against OMCGs.
The terrorist threat is very real and it lives just around the corner.
It is that "rough diamond", that annual participant in the charity Toy Run,
that "harmless" character who is sticking a needle in your kid's arm and
supplying the truckie that wipes your mates' family out on the highway.
Also, increasingly, he's your accountant or lawyer.
That is where the intercepts, listening devices and counter terrorism
legislation needs to be applied.


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The Broom Groom
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom
was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"


Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes. Sounds to me
like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Whose Chauffeur?
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and
when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his
home.   As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the
driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.  A
short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed
trap.  The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The
trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol
car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his
supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... but I
also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to
know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur!"


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Two missionaries, husband and wife, are ministering somewhere in deepest
Africa when they get captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals cook
a huge pot of water and hang them by their arms to a tree branch above the
pot with a leather thong.
The cannibals then started dancing, drumming and singing all around them
and each time a cannibal passes them they spin them around.
So the wife says to the husband ...


"Look darling, they're fraying our thong"


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How "they" do it when it comes to sex 
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick 
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under 
Bach did it using the organ 
Bankers do it with interest 
Bartenders do it on the Rocks 
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record 
Bosses delegate the task to others 
Chess players check their Mates 
Cops do it with cuffs 
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure 
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover 
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers 
Elevator men do it up and down 
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation 
Firemen do it with a big hose 
Frank Sinatra does it his way 
Garbagemen come twice a week 
Gardeners do it on the bushes 
Gas attendants Pump all day 
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month 
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on comission 
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free 
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips 
Zoologists do it with animals


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101 Things Not to Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. You don't sweat much for a fat person.
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of s_xual fantasies!
31. Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Was what good for me?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transs_xual operation?
71. I really hate people who actually think s_x means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook too, right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Sun".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?


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Australian Government Department of Immigration and Multicultural
andIndigenous Affairs Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in
order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also
allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding
you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. and
ham, in 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather
continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife. True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no" 
b) "Maybe" 
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV
character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours 
b) Alf from Home & Away 
c) Agro from Agro's
Cartoon Connection 
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages 
a) Once or twice 
b) As often as necessary to cook 
c) After each stubby 
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place 
b) Drinking beer at the beach 
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy 
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before 
going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from
Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana
travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger 
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items 
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain 
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it 
personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a
yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear 
b) Casual footwear 
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993 
b) 1997 
c) 2001 d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider 
b) Great White Shark 
c) Victorian Police Officer 
d) King Brown Snake 
e) Your missus after a big night 
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner
barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the
pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting 
b) Don Bradman 
c) John Howard 
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on 
b) When the cricket's on 
c) When the cricket's on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo 
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie" 
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?


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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."


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Towards better Science

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.

Hydrogin is gin and water."


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Prison Vs Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK....you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK....you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
Inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time thinking about bars from the outside
wanting to go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.


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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head.
The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and
go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your
house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the
voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your
house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can't take it
anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes
all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."
He puts all his money on RED 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says, "Fuck it."


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How to turn men down - with style!
HE       Can I buy you a drink?
SHE     Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE       I'm a photographer.. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE     I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE       Hi. Didn't we go on a date once or was it twice?
SHE     Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE       How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE     I  must've been given your share.

HE       Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE     Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE       Your face must turn a few heads 
SHE     And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE       Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE     Okay, get out.

HE       I think I could make you very happy 
SHE     Why? Are you leaving?

HE       What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE     Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE       Can I have your  name?
SHE     Why? Don't you already have one?

HE       Shall we go see a movie?
SHE     I've already seen it.

HE       Where have you been all my life?
SHE     Hiding from you.

HE       Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE     Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE       Is this seat empty?
SHE     Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE       So, what do you do for a living?
SHE     I'm a female impersonator.

HE       Hey baby, what's your  sign?
SHE     Do not enter.

HE       If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE     If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE       Where have you been all my life?
SHE     Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.


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* THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY*

*Good                  :  Your wife is pregnant.* 
*Bad                    :  It's triplets.* 
*Ugly                   :  You had a vasectomy five years ago.*

*Good                  :  Your wife's not talking to you.* 
*Bad                    :  She wants a divorce. * 
*Ugly                   :  She's a lawyer. *

*Good                  :  Your son is finally maturing.* 
*Bad                    :  He's involved with the women next door. * 
*Ugly                   :  So are you. *

*Good                  :  Your son studies a lot in his room. * 
*Bad                    :  You find several porn movies hidden there. * 
*Ugly                   :  You're in them. *

*Good                  :  Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.* 
*Bad                    :  You can't find your birth control pills. * 
*Ugly                   :  Your daughter borrowed them. *

*Good                  :  Your husband understands fashion. * 
*Bad                    :  He's a cross-dresser. * 
*Ugly                   :  He looks better than you. *

*Good                  :  You give the "birds and bees" talk to your
                          daughter. * 
*Bad                    :  She keeps interrupting. * ...
*Ugly                   :  With corrections.*

*Good                  :  Your son is dating someone new. * 
*Bad                    :  It's another man. * 
*Ugly                   :  He's your best friend. *

*Good                  :  Your daughter got a new job.* 
*Bad                    :  As a hoooker.* 
*Ugly                   :  Your co-workers are her best clients.* 
*Way ugly           :  She makes more money than you do. ** *


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A man was driving home one  evening and realized that it was his daughter's
birthday and he hadn't bought  her a present. He drove to the shopping
center and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager:
"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied:
"Which one? We have:
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and 
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the  others are  $19.95?" the
dad asked. "'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's  car, Ken's House, Ken's
boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's  furniture....


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petro station
toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add
character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are More
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its
original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one
colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner
and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives  him the condom and as the young man is going out;
he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister
is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when
she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The  pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he 
turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting
me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and Thank you for all you give us."
A minute  later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy  replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The Zipper
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was That
told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached The
counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine
standing in there at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and Said
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of
old duffel bags".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Two Aussies in a boat
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed
the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea
turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,
"Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


It takes an Aussie
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the
job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell
him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go
fishing.""


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Amazing, figure this one out.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75
yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a
passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as
the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Philadelphia!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Ten Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet 
1.. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall 
cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"
2.. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into
the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
3.. Sigh relaxingly.
4.. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a
bodily function noise.
5.. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet
paper and drop the wad under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say,
"Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
6.. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
7.. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the cubicle where the person in the
next cubicle can see it.
8.. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
9.. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before. ......"
10.. Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers."
11.. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit, my glass eye!!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Australia Pete

In old pubs and shacks in the Aussie outback,
Men drink to Australia Pete,
Who screwed the hell out of Eskimo Nell 
With a cock that measured three feet.

The old legends tell how Eskimo Nell,
Was the unbeaten queen of the cot,
And though some say she's still screwing away,
The sad simple truth is she's not!

'Cos Nell's great snatch did meet its match,
In a proud Australian prick,
And Mexico Pete could not compete,
And nor could Dead-Eye Dick.

So pull up a stool and I'll tell of a tool,
And none of it idle prattle,
Let me regale you with the tale,
Of an epic sexual battle.

And fetch me a beer if you want to hear,
Of a lad from our fair shores,
Whose prowess at sex made bleeding wrecks,
Of 'Stralia's finest whores.

The tale of that screw I'll tell to you,
It's a fornication epic,
About the stand of a three foot gland,
And none of it prosthetic -

It made the cranny in Nell's fair fanny,
Look like a tiny dimple,
And even your own, when fully grown,
Would seem more like pimple!

He had balls like a stallion, each one held a gallon,
And to keep them from exploding,
He needed ten shags a day and a bloody good lay,
To reduce his testicular loading.

If you find it hard to envisage a yard,
Or you cannot work in feet,
In metric talk, it's slightly short,
Of the modern metric metre.

Now Pete would screw with a kangaroo,
A sheep or a brumby nag,
With a dingo dog or wild bush hog,
If he couldn't get a shag.

But love can't blossom with a possum,
They just aren't built to take,
Such a mighty dong, full three feet long,
Which resembled a taipan snake.

Now, Pete's occupation was copulation,
And he wasn't always choosy -
Screwed the sheep population of the Aussie nation,
When he couldn't snag a floosie.

If he couldn't sleep, he'd screw a sheep,
Just to exercise his cock,
First ewes and lambs then finally rams,
Till he'd fucked the whole damn flock!

It has been said when girls give head,
To Pete's mighty yard long staff,
One sucks the tip between her lips,
While ten more lick the shaft.

When he waltzed Matilda, he more than filled her,
She took it to the hilt,
Impaled by his wick like a chook on a spit,
And by Pete's penis killed.

It doesn't hang loose when not in use,
Around his waist it's rolled,
When stiff and hard he comes by the yard,
Or so the tales have told.

His member proud could attract a crowd,
Of fanatical female admirers,
Girls were impressed, they'd ask to test 
His prick's impressive stamina.

Matron, mother or maid, they all got laid,
Aged sixty down to sixteen -
From the age of consent to retirement,
And all ages in-between.

When he was born what doc's thought they saw,
Was his umbilical cord.
When they'd seen this was his outsized penis,
It sent cheers around the ward.

Now, Pete was born with a raging horn,
Which later sent women insane,
As one gal said, he loved to give head,
And he fucked like a cat in a drain.

No hocus-pocus, he was always focused,
On the needs of his three-foot prong,
He breathed through his ears and had women in tears,
With a tongue nine inches long.

They claimed Pete's penis had an IQ near-genius,
And could smell a pussy wet an warm,
In a lead-lined box closed as tight as Fort Knox,
Three miles off through a thunderstorm.

It'd curl and bend and kink at the end,
And then rise like a snake on command,
And given the chance, it'd get up and dance 
To the beat of an outback band.

'In excess of a yard will never go hard,' 
The doctors all proclaimed,
'Blood will rush from his head, either leave him dead,
Or send him into a faint.'

Aged only fourteen he met a beauty queen,
At the local country fair,
And his three foot dong proved the doctors wrong,
By standing straight up in the air!

He walked with a swagger, didn't faint of stagger,
All eyes on that monster gazed,
The docs scratched their heads and to a man said,
That frankly, they were amazed.

With that monstrous knob he soon found a job,
And was filmed from every angle,
He starred in video porn but to capture his horn,
They had to use wide angle.

That monster would stand at the stroke of a hand,
Pete had no need of Viagra,
In torrents he came, it shot ten feet then rained,
Down with the force of Niagara.

The tensile strength of this prehensile length,
Left lady friends astounded,
And with his tongue nine inches long,
His skills were quite well rounded.

The story says Pete would forget to eat 
With women three deep wall to wall,
He once ate not a bite for ten days and nights,
And his cock withered to nothing at all.

Things looked grim for the waiting quims,
Anticipating Pete's service,
He was taken away, cock thin, limp and gray,
Leaving his girlfriends nervous.

He looked near-dead when laid him in bed;
The docs said 'feed intravenous',
But the nurses were hip and connected the drip 
To the eye of his shrivelled penis.

It was 'nil by mouth' for forty-eight hours,
Until he was re-hydrated,
They took turns by his bed, to watch they said,
And see if his penis inflated.

He lingered for days while girlfriends all prayed 
His illness would not curb his vigour,
And each horny bitch with a slit like a ditch,
Prayed that his cock would grow bigger.

Enforced bed rest was a terrible test 
For his days gave him time for reflection 
And his nights were spent in a bed like a tent 
Where the pole was his massive erection.

Then a doctor said, 'Look, have a read of this book,
For Eskimo Nell was as horny as you.' 
Though it took him an age, he read every page 
Till he ached for this world-famous screw.

Fit and relaxed from six weeks on his back,
Pete was discharged on a Sunday,
Though all of the nurses offered dollars and purses 
If he'd like to drop back in on Monday.

Back on the town the local girls got him down 
Though he fucked them often and well,
Each screw was a bore, an unchallenging chore,
What he wanted was Eskimo Nell.

Pete beat his vast cock upon Ayers Rock,
For he fair felt out of luck,
His face had gone scarlet at the thought of that harlot,
And an apocalyptic, incredible fuck.

He knew his erection was fucking perfection,
He knew he'd bring Nell to her knees,
So he packed up a kit with a bridle and bit 
And a gallon of kangaroo grease.

He quit the fair Aussie land as a hired hand 
On a P&O cruise bound for 'Frisco,
Where he practised his skills on dozens of girls 
At the six-nights-a-week B-deck disco.

As the P&O hove out of Sydney Cove 
Pete's purpose was plain and specific,
He had three in his bed as they passed Sydney Heads 
And four as they hit the Pacific.

At every harbour, his fame grew larger,
And female admirers flocked,
They went down on their knees along the quays,
And lined the piers of the docks.

By the time the ship docked, that three foot cock 
Had deflowered nearly four dozen 
Including, for spite, a queer transvestite 
And also the captain's young cousin.

California spread Pete's prowess in bed 
Till the invites flowed like wine,
He fair broke the hearts of hundreds of tarts,
But of Eskimo Nell, not a sign.

Then one night at a party a young arty-farty 
Bet a fortune that no-one could screw 
His virgin bride who stood proud by his side,
Nell's frigid sister, Icicle Sue.

The man was a pain but his motives were plain,
He expected to make quite a killing,
For a hundred dollars or so she was sure to say 'no' 
And return yet a virgin, God willing.

Well most everyone knew about Icicle Sue,
She was reputedly frigid,
Would she be in the mood for one hell of a screw,
When she saw Pete's beast go rigid?

Or maybe that maid would stay chaste, afraid,
Of his monstrous one-eyed snake.
Pete accepted the bet - he'd show them yet,
For his reputation was at stake.

Pete needed no urging to tackle that virgin,
And the challenge it did inspire him,
His inspiration became determination,
To light up that cold maiden's fire.

Now Sue wasn't gay, despite what men say,
It was just that she'd not met a turn-on,
No fellow she had met had entered her yet,
Or got her fire close to burning.

Pete's pounding heart gave a trembling start,
He'd heard rumours that Nell had a sister,
And the stories went that the maiden was bent 
And that no man had done more than kiss her.

But as weirdoes went our Sue wasn't bent,
She thought intercourse idiotic,
This beautiful elf chose to finger herself,
Which is not so much queer as neurotic.

She stood tall and proud in the midst of the crowd,
Long-legged, slim, tall and full-breasted,
With rippling thighs and challenging eyes,
A woman who'd never been bested.

Like a man possessed, Pete had sprung to his feet,
'Where's Nell?' he asked as he kissed her.
Smiling, said she, 'You must screw me 
Before you've a chance with my sister.'

Though Pete was a stag when it came to a shag,
He could also take things sure and slow,
Rape wasn't his game and he wasn't ashamed,
To tell his competitors so.

When it came to a screw, he knew what to do,
To make a woman wet, hot and willing,
First give them some fun with his nine inch tongue,
Before giving them something more filling.

His tongue could reach inside their breach,
While he breathed through his ears,
Never mind their clit, he could lick their cervix,
And have a woman in tears.

He'd rather warm women up before having a fuck,
Make them wet inside, hot and ready,
Before easing in that long weapon of sin,
Smooth and rock-hard and rock-steady.

Sue met her doom that night in her room 
For Australia Pete was inspired,
He kissed and teased her, stroked and pleased her 
Till the lady was both stoked and fired.

He kissed both her thighs, her breasts and her eyes 
Till her whole body burned with desire,
And if her legs hadn't been so wet in between 
She might very well have caught fire.

Intrigued at his dimensions, she forgot her tension,
And let herself be overpowered,
'Good grief!  This is great, better than masturbating,' 
Said Icicle Sue, deflowered.

All through that first fuck she writhed and she bucked,
Expressing her great enjoyment,
She gasped and groaned with orgasmic moans,
At that tool's skilful employment

She left Pete's bed minus her maidenhead,
And Pete claimed his winning bet,
But he still wanted the quim of her older twin,
And swore he would have her yet.

Now Nell was in France when her sister's romance 
Made headlines from Sydney to Rome,
And before you could grin or say 'Errol Flynn' 
She was packed and on her way home.

Eskimo Nell was no longer a girl,
Of that there was no mistake,
For many years she'd been chaste, what a bloody waste,
Cos she was still in good shape.

Her reputation had spread as wide as her legs,
From the Yukon to Panama,
Tales were told in the New World and Old,
Of her attributes and stamina.

From the Gold Rush days when her trail had been blazed,
By many a lusty prospector,
She'd been in demand all through the land,
By men who would inspect her.

In a fit of boredom, she'd given up whoring,
And become a chat-show queen,
On the late night shows she frequently spoke,
Of her exploits quite obscene.

She could make a killing with a headline billing,
Of a session with Australia Pete,
A televised mating would top the ratings,
Both live and also repeats!

When they met in New York poor Pete blew his cork,
He went totally out of his tree,
He cried out 'I'm Pete, the man with three feet,
And Nell, you're the woman for me.'

With a smile on her lips and a sway to her hips,
Nell turned to Australia Pete,
'If you want to root then you'd better be good,
I won't touch a cock under three feet.'

'I come from a place where men set the pace 
And we treat short-cocked bastards like junk.' 
So Pete, with a cry, unzipped his fly 
And unleashed an elephant's trunk.

Nell did her best to appear unimpressed 
As Pete's weapon came close to her thighs,
Then thinking quick, she grabbed hold of his prick 
And said, with a gleam in her eyes:

'Australia Pete, that's all of three feet,
It's the biggest I've seen, to be fair,
And I'd love to screw with a cockster like you 
In the ring down at Madison Square.'

'At five bucks a throw, most people will go 
To witness this unheard of feat,
For where else could they see a fine lady like me 
Fuck the likes of Australia Pete?'

Replied Pete, 'I require enough to retire,
So this plan should suit me just fine',
And taking hold of his prick, he moulded it quick 
To the shape of the great dollar sign.

Said Nell 'When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexico Pete,
Came to me in search of sex,
I spat on their names, they slunk off in shame,
A pair of broken-down wrecks.'

'And I went back to the cold of the arctic pole,
In search of sexual joys,
I'd been looking for mates when I came to the states,
But all I found were boys.'

'I was still just a girl when I travelled the world,
Full of lust, desire and hope,
But I met only fools with drooping tools,
That dangled like fraying rope.'

'I used my womanly wiles on untamed isles,
And in dark lands uncharted,
But the boastful brats could fill my crack,
And when ridiculed, departed.'

'But if that yard of prick becomes a rock-hard dick,
Well, that might just do the job,
And maybe your action will provide satisfaction,' 
She said, eyeing up his knob.

Madison Garden had a corporate hard-on 
At the thought of an open-air screw,
Though right from the start they discounted art 
And concentrated on revenue.

More tickets were sold than the garden could hold,
The response to the bout was incredible,
For the tickets were juicy, and tasted of pussy,
Shaped like a cock and quite edible.

The churches complained such an act was profane,
Bought thousands of tickets and burned them,
While hundreds were sold to the lonely and old,
Who chewed them awhile then returned them.

Pete practised hard with a number of tarts,
No dollars they charged when he fucked them,
When they ran out of breath, shagged near to death,
He said 'thank you ma'am' and he shucked them.

It had been quite an age, in fact several decades,
Since Eskimo Nell had found fame,
With the money she'd earned, prostitution she spurned,
That harlot had come off the game.

She'd not shagged a guy (though many had tried),
In fact she had become celibate,
And when any applied, she looked in their eyes,
'Not tonight, my condition is delicate'.

The forthcoming bout was wearing them out,
Pete couldn't raise an erection,
And poor old Nell's cunt to be perfectly blunt 
Was so tight it was virgin perfection.

She'd quite lost a hold of her muscle control,
Her wide cavern was tight as a drum,
And a hydraulic jack attached to her back,
Couldn't part the two cheeks of her bum.

When the big day arrived the air was alive,
The audience roared to their feet 
As Nell with a smile walked the last quarter mile,
But where was Australia Pete?

Aussie Pete then arrived, more dead than alive 
With black circles etched under his eyes,
And covered in grease from elbows to knees,
Nell gaped at him in surprise.

He said, 'Listen Nell, if we do this well,
With my three foot cock in your snatch,
We can hold out for days in the sweetest of ways 
And then quit and demand a rematch.'

Nell replied, 'Not a chance, this fucking romance 
Goes on until I'm declared winner,
I figure to shower in roughly an hour 
And fuck 20 men before dinner.'

With a small smile of pride she spread her legs wide 
Till the gate to her treasure parted 
And he gazed in awe at a gaping maw,
A canyon that no man had charted.

Down on his knees, he packed her with grease 
And then entered, he sure didn't linger,
But she, eyes closed tight, said 'don't take all night,
And please use your cock not your finger.'

'Let me take up the slack,' said he, standing back,
'And now prepare to be invaded,
For this mighty beast is a visual feast,
But in practice too much for most ladies -

'There's only room, before reaching the womb,
To bury inches nine or ten,
Most women flinch at the eleventh inch,
And twelve defeats almost all wenches!'

Upon his knees, with languid ease,
He pushed that member in,
She took it inch by inch and did not flinch,
From the wages of her sins.

Eskimo Nell took the first twelve inches well,
Her entrance-way still looked well worn,
She took it all and then called for more,
So Pete tried to ram home his horn.

Pete nearly choked in the midst of his stroke 
As he felt something sharp in his way,
Laughing, said she, 'That's my IUD,
I need some protection today.'

But with a yell he cried 'Eskimo Nell,
That's a bullet, it's no contraceptive.' 
And she replied 'For a cock that's
as hard as a rock, It's unusually fucking perceptive.'

It's been there for years, it's a souvenir,
From the days when I first left the Yukon,
Mexico Pete used his gun, I fired six back out for fun,
But Pete's Colt was a seven-shooter.

But Nell didn't know how far a yard goes 
And Australia Pete had to gloat
When she took every inch in one mighty clinch 
And put a new slant on 'deep throat'.

When it reached her throat that whore didn't choke,
Nor did her expression go pale,
Nor in pain did she glare as in bliss she lay there,
Upon that three foot hard-on impaled.

The Eskimo Nell let out a yell,
The crowd rose to its feet,
'I bless my luck that I've had this fuck,
I now feel quite replete!'

She took that cock in the vise-like lock,
That had left many men bereft,
Left many a wimp slack, useless, limp,
When they withdrew from her cleft.

But Pete's mighty yard stayed firm and hard,
And could not be defeated,
By the crushing walls of Nell's entrance hall,
Nor his mission left uncompleted.

In her deep insides that pole did glide,
Nell began to groan and writhe,
As he Pete began to ride, she bucked and cried:
'I sear that thing's alive!'

It wriggled and twitched in her womanly niche,
Like a dancing rattlesnake,
Then with all its strength, sprang straight, full length,
Like the handle of a rake.

A rosy glow spread right to her toes,
And a pleasant warmth inside,
She convulsed in the spasms of ten orgasms,
And was still not satisfied.

But Pete had more for her in store,
He held himself back in reserve,
He wouldn't let loose one drip of juice,
Till she'd gotten what she deserved.

After three days and nights they looked a grim sight,
They'd done everything under the sun,
Though Pete's mighty cock was still hard as a rock 
And as long as the time they'd begun.

Then Nell cried 'Jesus Christ this is helluva nice,
But I really can't take too much more.' 
And Pete replied 'Then give in because I'm going to win,
Fucking's one thing I adore.'

She squeezed him out quick and grabbed hold of his dick 
And pulled it away from his thighs,
At the moment he came, she took careful aim 
And shot him between the eyes.

But Australia Pete recovered a treat 
And as the crowd cheered Nell as the winner,
He grabbed her left breast, got back on the nest 
And went down on her pussy for dinner.

Poor Nell had relaxed, her defences were slack,
She'd let go of all her emotions,
And she lay in a daze, her mind quite amazed 
By her body's unleashed heaving motions.

Pete's wild flicking tongue was now deep in among 
The font of her woman's desire,
And though Nell tried to stem her orgasm's tide,
Old Pete was still feeding the fire.

Her moans and cries and wild panting sighs 
Drove the crowd to near distraction,
And more than one couple got into real trouble 
By attempting to copy the action.

But Pete's proud staff was still less than half 
And this thought filled him with dejection,
Till as Nell grew excited this problem was righted 
And he regained his roaring erection.

'All right,' said Pete, as he got to his feet,
'Someone fetch me a ladder or chair,
It won't take much longer and I'll penetrate stronger 
From six feet or so in the air.'

Said Nell with a grin, 'Before you begin,
There's something that you ought to know,
The last guy who tried is still somewhere inside,
If you see him, tell him I said hello.'

Then Pete aimed his prick, that great throbbing stick 
At a hole much more cavern than crack,
As Eskimo Nell, the famed Yukon Belle,
Lay smiling at him on her back.

He flew through the air without worry or care,
As he landed, the crowd gave a cry:
They rose to their feet, cried 'Australia Pete,
It's a good one, a fucking bullseye.'

As for Eskimo Nell, she took it real well,
For she wrapped her legs tight round his spine,
And holding him tight, her eyes shining bright,
Said 'do that again, it's divine.'

After five minutes rest they returned to the test 
Till they'd been at it almost five days 
And had blown and fucked, fingered and sucked 
In every conceivable way.

All America halted, the pair were exalted,
Filmed live for the state's television,
While glued to their sets New Yorkers phoned bets 
On the next brand-new sexual position.

Then Nell convulsed her hips with the force of an apocalypse,
As he rode her like a horse,
When he shot his stream you could see the steam,
From its cataclysmic force.

That high pressure jet was like a bullet,
Which could pierce through armour plate,
But Eskimo Nell said 'My!  How swell!
I just saw your balls deflate.'

Pete's rock-hard tip made a great jagged rip,
It entered poor Nell's large intestine,
It reached right to the end and made a sudden bend,
Then played pinball with liver and spleen.

She went a strange green, came apart at the seams,
And when Pete let loose his cum,
Her heart was broke, his dick went up her throat,
And stuck out her mouth like a tongue.

All industry stopped as clerks, crooks and cops 
Fought for entry to Madison Garden,
And the President said 'If he fucks her dead Or she kills him, 
I'm giving a pardon.'

The networks all tried to broadcast nationwide 
And they managed it on the last day.
One newsman said 'Brother, they're not screwing each other,
They're screwing the whole USA.'

But just as he spoke, Nell gave a croak,
Her eyes glazed and slowly rolled back,
And Pete knew it was done, the fight had been won,
He'd conquered the Queen of the sack.

He called for the doc for it seemed that his cock 
Had torn Nell's ribcage apart,
For both her great breasts had sunk into her chest 
And were sitting on top of her heart.

This scene of depravity, this great gaping cavity 
Once a woman called Eskimo Nell,
Gave a last heartfelt sigh and lay back to die,
It was the end of the Yukon Belle.

Australia Pete, his victory complete 
Was in tears as he slowly withdrew,
'Where else,' he cried, 'if I searched till I died,
Would I find such a fantastic screw?'

Pete's name was in lights, but after six days and nights,
Exhaustion had made his face scarlet,
And with a long sigh, he collapsed there and died,
With ten inches still stuck in that harlot.

No doctor could save them, so they dug a wide grave,
And buried them joined cunt to cock,
The headstone was obscene, a stone cock spewing cream,
And to it the impotent flock.

Back where kangaroos jump and koala bears hump 
In the land of the wild jackaroo,
Where they still sing songs around billabongs 
When there's not much else to do,

Where the dingo dogs likes to play with his log,
And kangaroos like to toss,
Off in the night, in the pale starlight,
In the land of the Southern Cross.

They'll engrave his cock upon Ayers Rock,
To show future generations,
For that 'Stralian man with the three-foot stand,
Inspires awe and veneration.

And the songs they sing in Alice Springs,
To this Aussie hero of sex,
How he rang the bell of Eskimo Nell,
And left her a cunt-split wreck.

For the price of a beer men will talk for a year 
And swear every damn word is true 
When they tell you his ghost still wanders the coast 
In its search for the ultimate screw.


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ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.


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FASHION DO NOT'S FOR SENIORS
Pass this to any senior you know.  
For you, file away for future reference.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together:
A nose ring and bifocals 
Spiked hair and bald spots 
A pierced tongue and dentures 
Miniskirts and support hose 
Ankle bracelets and corn pads 
Speedos and cellulite 
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 
Bikinis and liver spots Short shorts and varicose veins 
In-line skates and a walker 
But, otherwise, YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD!


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PEEPING TOM
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor,
curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom
creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her
trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each  afternoon she would take a
hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.
Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got
a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot
dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.
She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a
knock at the door."
"And then?" said the doctor.
"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under
the stove."


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Blonde  Moments!
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat  this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have  lost at
least five pounds.
"When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I  was going to drop
dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."


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One early Christmas joke
Some parents today pass on disciplining their kids ; the schools aren't
allowed to do much. But this Santa means business !!!
He's MY kind of Santa!!!!!
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full
month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits
of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the
country.
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to
the toy department in a big Toronto department store.
Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to
Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as
his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the
Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His
mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him
on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time
to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no
attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert
would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of
the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps
I can persuade your son to cooperate."
"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a
big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.
Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his
mother's hand.
Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked
Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began
offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only
tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter
a word.
What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had
never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was
worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa
Claus had used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice
and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did
Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you
don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm
going to kick the living shit out of you!' "


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Ten Good Things About The Flu
10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after
last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike


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OPEN MOUTH - INSERT FOOT
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my hair is gray, my shoulders are hunched over,
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband
and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about
myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
Anselm's Memorial Chapel.


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Before and After Marriage
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the heck did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..


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OLD-TIMER'S DISEASE (CRS)
My forgetter's getting better 
But my rememberer is broke 
To you that may seem funny 
But, to me, that is no joke 
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there" 
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain 
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away 
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away 
I ask myself "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better 
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy 
And that isn't any joke.


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SHORT ONES
Just to let you know how BAD gasoline prices are....
We pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars
worth of gas....
The attendant farted took the five dollars And walked away!!!!


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A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple
had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank
you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the
beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law
for the gift of a perky copulater."

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Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was
with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes,
brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row...
Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end...


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Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.


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A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a
'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards
and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?' The man said,
'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events.
You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth
birthday.'


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What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


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QUOTES
Woman's Wine Quote:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter Quote:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."


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Newest Medications for Women
D A M I T O L : Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8
hours.
St. M O M 'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N : Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O : Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
D U M E R O L : When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q.
causing enjoyment of country western music.
F L I P I T O R : Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N : Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ...
can we get naked now?"
B U Y- A G R A : Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL : When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with
a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N : Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T : A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N : More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T : When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of doing it herself.


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WORDS OF WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
the hell alone 
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky 
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk! a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone ! seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a! sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.


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Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me 
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'putering',
And I had to answer "yes."
He told me to get off my fanny 
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.' 
But click, I did, and oops I found A real
absorbing site That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.
Nothing's changed except my mouse 
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.


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GETTING OLD
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.


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You know you're getting older .................
- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to
the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer,
"Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an
annual semi erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that
the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your
bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they
were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one
that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any
more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember
being on top of it.
- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal
detector.
- Let's face it, travelling just isn't as much fun when all the historical
sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and
forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt
you.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you
cross your legs.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form
a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a
bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé?.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the
rocker.
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to
cost.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when
you were growing up.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last
promotion.
- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in
style.
- All of your favourite movies are now re-released in colour.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any
laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbours borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word "equity" means.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house,
Amanpreet asked,"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys
say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are,
here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my
school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Man o'the house
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF
YOUR HOUSE" He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his
wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to
know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have
the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then
you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Last request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims: "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse?"
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many
talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief
is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully you stupid nag, this is my
last chance! ... Bring POSSE!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Actual announcements
A list of actual announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS have made to
their passengers :

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
backside and elbow syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage professional
beggars, if you have any spare change you can give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their fucking hand stuck in the
door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Two couples
Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner
swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then
go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly
shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room,
go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of
the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a
cigarette, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are
doing?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat When I looked at the  tyre ...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you 
Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you' re not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again..


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Mirboo North, Tasmania, & West Virginia)


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


Your friends and I wanted to do 
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Subject: A story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Little Johnny do have a story to share?"she asked ?

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"


"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And so endith the lesson


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[ End friday humour ]


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