Friday humour - October 06, 2006



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Are we winning Bush's stupidly named "war on terror"?

Here in Oz the top legal guy is the Attorney General.  He is supposed to be
the nation's guardian of all matters legal.  If you like, the guardian of
human rights.

Our AG is the Honourable Philip Ruddock.  He's the one who in the run up to
the 2001 election (as Minister for Immigration) was first to race to the
press saying that some asylum seekers had just thrown their children
overboard in an attempt to gain entry into Australia.  They hadn't, of
course, and those in the Navy soon verbally told all government officials
(including our PM) that the report was a mistake.

But the PM and Ruddock knew when they were on a winner.  They maintained
for the next six weeks that the kids went overboard, and who would want
people who could do something like that live in this "lucky country".

The PM even maintained this charade right up till the day before the
election, cleverly demanding an interview on the ABC's Lateline and still
saying that the only "written" report in his possession was that children
had indeed been thrown overboard.

What he didn't say was that the written report was repudiated and corrected
within a day or so, six weeks previously.

Philip Ruddock presided over our Immigration Department during some
dreadful stuffups.  We had an Australian citizen deported to the
Philippines after being involved in a car accident, and another Australian
resident locked up in an outback immigration detention centre for almost 12
months after she'd done a runner from a psychiatric hospital.

In both cases any proper checks would have established who these people
were.  Indeed, the Immigration Department had realized the "mistake" with
the deportee 18 months before it became public knowledge and had covered
it up.  As I understand it nobody has paid for it with their jobs.  And
the Minister - the Honourable Philip Ruddock - was promoted to AG.  Now
he's in charge of human rights.

In 2001, Australian citizen David Hicks was caught by the Northern Alliance
in Afghanistan.  It was claimed that he was training with the Taliban
(which the US used to support).  He was whisked away to some undisclosed
country where he was allegedly tortured, and then ended up incarcerated at
Guantanamo Bay.

After five years of alleged torture and extended periods of solitary
confinement our PM and AG (and our Foreign Affairs Minister sans fishnet
stockings) keep maintaining that this guy is guilty of something.  Radio
commentator Derryn Hinch went to jail for saying something similar as it's
perverting the course of justice commenting on the outcome of a forthcoming
trial.  Well ... it used to be.

What about the legal rights of David Hicks?

The UK government got all of its citizens out of Guantanamo Bay by saying
the planned military commissions were unjust.  The (Republican stacked) US
Supreme Court agreed with the UK government.  Why won't Ruddock do the
same?  You can't help thinking it's because it makes him look tough in the
"war on terror".

But if he thinks David Hicks is really guilty of something why isn't he
demanding that Hicks be tried in the International Court?  And it has to
be asked ... if Hicks has been accused of something that is not an
American or Australian crime why is it OK to try him under American law
... which Bush is still trying to change to make it happen?

Is this "pre-emptive" justice?  Just as invading Iraq was apparently
"pre-empting" a huge attack on America, even though Iraq had no weapons of
mass destruction and no connections with Al-Qaeda?

The invasion of Iraq was obviously wrong. Sixteen US intelligence
organisations now tell us so.

Yet now we have the Honourable Philip Ruddock telling us that it may be OK
for someone to be put away with evidence obtained by coercion ... but not
torture.  And that sleep depravation is not torture.  So much for the
Geneva Conventions ... and common logic and decency.

Which brings me back to my original thought ...

Are we winning Bush's stupidly named "war on terror"?

In a word ...  NO!!!

Leunig in The Age recently published this very simple cartoon. Isn't it
about time we all thought about all the deaths that we are contributing
to?  There must be a better way.

 Click here


[ Any ideas as to what should be done? ... management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au ]


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First up this week is a collection from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                      The Helpline

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just
doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player
and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!   What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....


Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.


Customer: Your left or my left?


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates!


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it...


Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah.................... thank you.


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer
is working fine.


And last but not least ...

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!


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                           The Rabbi and the Taxman

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle  drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We  collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of
matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went  on, "what do you do with all
the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax  Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."


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                                        Baby Bath

Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife
gives birth to their first child. After a  long labour the doctor comes
out and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is
overjoyed, and  rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the
child.

Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can
do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to  share in the occasion the
midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door.

After a few minutes the midwife  pops in to see how the man is getting on.
She jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has
two fingers firmly lodged up the infant's  nose and is dragging the child
through the water in figure-of-eights.

"Good God!" she shouts. "That's not how to bathe a new-born!"

"It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."


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                                     Winning the War

For many years in Saddam's day,
I tortured folks in wicked ways,
Men and women, girls and boys,
Were my short-lived fragile toys -
Electrocuted, pulled about And then I'd throw their bodies out.

Saddam's been toppled, Baathists gone,
Yet strangely, torture still goes on,
The screams as loud, the blood as red,
Prisoners end up just as dead,
But now it's called interrogation -
Is this the price of "liberation"?

It's this globalised economy -
The "good guys" stole my job from me,
They came here in their jeeps and tanks,
My job out-sourced to bloody yanks;
It seems that I am out of favour,
Iraq has switched to migrant labour!


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                               11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were  all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or
for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little
in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


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These came in from Whizzbang

                                          Happy

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year and decided to get married.  There was only one thing
bothering me: her beautiful younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less.

One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she
wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister.

Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one last wild fling, come up
and join me." I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs . At the top
she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the
front door to my car.  Lo and behold, my  entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law
hugged me and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:

Always, always, keep your condoms in your car...........


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                                       Fruit Salad

Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island.
After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and
took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said,
"We will let you live, if  you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10
pieces of fruit." So the men agree and take off.

The first guy brings  back 10 apples and places them before the chief.
"Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion,
or else we will kill you." The guy got one, and on the second,
he flinched and was killed.

The second guy  walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the
same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh  histerically.
He is also killed.

When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first
asks him  "You almost had it! Why did you laugh??" The second replies, "I
couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the  other guy walking up
with pineapples."


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A DIFFERENT SLANT ON WINGING ABOUT ALWAYS BEING LAST.


A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their
maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they
have experienced.  They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down
the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only
ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY.


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This came from Slatts

                                      Golf Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's
breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards
straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the
good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's cock."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP --
the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."


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From FiFi McCallum

                               Some real time wasters!

Goggle- fly a plane over Google Earth maps (good for FAST broadband)!
 Click here

Shoot the Great Gonzo out of a cannon  to land in a tub of water (my best
is ~15,000) Click here
The fly guy:  Weird but good:
 Click here
Time Ticker- SEE the time wherever you are on the planet:
 Click here
reflections- tricky laser puzzles
 Click here


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And more stuff from FiFi - aka Biggus

                                       On the road

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway
you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there?
They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."


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                                       Quickies

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the
door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as
far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it
and sees the same snail. The snail says 'What the hell was that all
about?"

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a
huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my
only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and
washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven
and says: "He had a hat!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two
words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him
in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send
him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his
two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send
him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I
quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at
8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like
what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you
Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or
Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of
the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist
Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed
Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of
1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.


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These from Steve at JokesAreUs

Btw ... Have a look at Stephens snaps @ Click here

                                     THE PLAQUE . . .

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor,
what is this?", he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Alex had
tears running down his face. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear, asked, Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00 ?


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                                          Dating

These three teenage girls were roommates. One friday night right after the
semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all
came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know
you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed
up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know
you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all
smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a
thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud
THWOP! noise.

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"


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                                    Socceroos speak

  (Something tells me that they should let their feet do the talking.)

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - Tim Cahill

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league." - Mark Viduka.

"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had." - Lucas Neill.

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day." - John Aloisi.

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable." - Ned Zelic.

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well." - Mark Schwarzer.

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Vince Grella.

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
-Harry Kewell.

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Mile Sterjovski.

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live
in Middlesborough." - Mark Viduka.

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Craig Moore.

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
-Harry Kewell.

"I couldn't settle in Italy- it was like living in a foreign country."
-Vince Grella.

"Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals
out there." - Zeljko Kalac.

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock." - Jason Culina.

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European." - Scott Chipperfield.

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Marco
Bresciano.

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
- Craig Moore.

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Mark
Viduka.

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Harry Kewe


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                                         Hot Sex

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day
so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear
to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like
to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first
time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife
the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research
and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that
he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and
chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That's because the first time is
usually in December and the second time in June."


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This lot from Burnout

                                   Anyone for tennis?

The Williams sisters were chatting in the warm-up room before a doubles
match.

"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids" whispered Serena.

"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.

"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts
of my body that have never had hair before!".

"Shit.... like where?" asked Venus. "All over my balls!" replied Serena.


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                                      Need Viagra

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is
sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping Over this Saturday and my
wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you
return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"


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                                        Boosters

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour,
asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of
her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting
a tetanus shot!!!!!!!!!


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This weeks pics are from Moose, Burnout, Nottingham Smithie, Croydon Caz,
Maayan, Lisa T, Whizzbang, Rowan Davo, Allnutts, Sister Carol, and Leunig,
Tanberg, Golding, and Petty from The Age.


From Croydon Caz

Family Planning
 Click here


From Whizzbang

And then they say FAT is ugly ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bop till you drop
 Click here

Cynthia and Mirella -XXX Rated-
 Click here

Finger football for all you crazy soccer fans ...
 Click here

THE WORLD's MOST DANGEROUS ROAD.
This road is located in the South American country of Bolivia. It consists
of 43 miles (70 km) of dirt and rock heading north from La Paz,
the world's highest capitol (altitude 12,000 feet or 3,660 m), to Coroico,
a beautiful cloud forest town at the rim of the Amazon basin.
Its catchy nickname is due to the 26 vehicles that fall off the road per
year. About 200 people annually lose their lives here. A fatal accident
every fortnight is not uncommon on the Coroico road (the July disaster
brought the death toll during the previous eight months to 55) and in 1995
the Inter-American Development Bank declared this, the world's most
dangerous road. The only road that exists to get to the Amazon from La
Paz, it is carved into the sides of a canyon. It can have vertical drops
for 1,600 feet and has no guardrails. Consequently, most Bolivians take
the time to pray before their descent. After all, it could be their last.

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

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You'll never guess what's on tap at this bar?
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Jabba Da Butt
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Stay away from cars
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Hot robbery
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And you think you can ride a bicycle 
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From Rowan Davo

Merry Melodies bottles
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From Lisa T

The Real Red Carpet at The Brownlow 
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From Moose

New Fashion Range @ Target
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Adult toons x_x_x
A bit naughty but very funny!
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Shot Bro!
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Tight fit
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Amazing boobs
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Drink limit - 1

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Early starter

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From Sherwood Forest Smithie

The Brazilian
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Bra sizes
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And down under
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Keep your head!
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The phone call
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Ronaldinho bottleopener

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From Maayan
The joys of Excel 
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From The Age

In the news
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From Burnout

Hangover
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National Geographic Photos

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Jugs
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Always carry money on a Greek toll road

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Cane Toad Caught In Northern Territory recently 
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From Allnutts

Tired of your cubicle? Build your own office!
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35 year anniversary
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From Sister Carol

Sights you may not see in a lifetime 
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Croc man!! A Beautiful Memorial to Steve!

 Click here


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More from Nottingham Smithie

                                          Infidelity

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to
it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best
friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."


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From Eric in his tree in South Africa, who says ...

+++ Join our Vintage Tube Hobby Group +++
 Click here

                            Unintended Consequences

Never bring in plants when it gets cold!!!

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes... Thamnophissirtalis) can
be Dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them
from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it
go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to
lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on
the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbour. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his
sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over
and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in
the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbours who called the
fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were
halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they
did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, The police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These came from RAAF Brett (via Fosters John)

                                         Infidelity

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down
BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more.

The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is
also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?"

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my
wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung
a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came
home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "No. Butter."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                 Nah na nah na nah

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school passed a 4th grade girl's
house. One day he is carrying a football and stops to taunt the little
girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football?
Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the
encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the
football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points
to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have
them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike.
Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts,
and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy
you one"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do
you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private
part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I
can have as many of THOSE as I want!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Maayan in South Africa sent these across the Indian Ocean

                                       Irish Joke....

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he
can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere, " says Gerry.  The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard
box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one
on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly
off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE. . .

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in
one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm
never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET. . .

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits
a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat,
lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting. . . and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"


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                                     Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she
thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however
was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day
one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband
and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "


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And finally from Allnutts who shortly moves to the god-forsaken HR Help
Centre

                                    Male or Female

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually
either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under their arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts
to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at
all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male,
but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps
trying


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Quotes of the week:


  "I don't regard sleep deprivation as torture. I've never heard it   
being put in that way."
                                     - Philip Ruddock, Attorney General


  "Australia cannot fight the war on terror using the tactics and   
thuggery of dictatorships and military regimes and Mr Ruddock    should
not be ashamed to explain this, even to our closest    military ally."

           - Nicola Roxon, Opposition spokeswoman on legal affairs


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]


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