Friday humour - September 29, 2006


[from Steve at Bluehaze]

This weeks FH is huge. I have only included a couple of items that have
been used before, and they were years ago, so most of it is new.
Hopefully FH is not too big for y'all.

By the way, did y'all know that y'all is singular collective, and the 
plural is y'all-y'all? I have it from the horses mouth ....

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Well I can't do any better than this contribution from Burnout for the
political comment of the week ....

LITTLE JOHNNY
A young man named Johnny bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the
next day, he said, "Sorry son, I have some bad news. The donkey is on my
truck, but I'm afraid he's dead".

Johnny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Johnny said, "Just unload the donkey anyway."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?".

Johnny said "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Johnny, with a big smile on his face, said "Oh yes I can. Watch me. I
just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

Johnny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $798."

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

Johnny replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was
the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2
back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he
thought I was a really great guy."

Johnny grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Australia, and
no matter how much money he took from Aussie voters, as long as he gave
them back some of it, most of them thought he was a great bloke.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And my favourite for this week is from Whizzbang. It had me giggling for
hours. I must have a seriously perverse sense of humour ....

They found Hitler's Brother
 Click here

So now its on to the regular stuff from our regular crew, and some new
contributors this week. Welcome to the fold.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up from Burnout.

Dad's occupation :-

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy,
Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a  cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward
aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby League football for NSW State of Origin
side, but I was just too embarrassed to say."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Trip To Europe :-

A young woman in Brisbane was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself off the Gateway Bridge. She went to the Bridge and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Moreton Island Ferry."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Croydon Caz

Sex on Mars..

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike
asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do
it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. 
He's got only a teeny weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. 
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Darwin Jon

Two more Limericks ....

There was a young man from the cape Who raped a Barbary Ape The result was
most horrid All arse and no for'ed and one tiny ball like a grape

The was an old man from Belgrave Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said "I
admit, I'm a bit of a shit But think of the money I save

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Minnesota Scott
Why Muslims are so eager to commit suicide [humour - really]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide. Let's see now:

1. No Jesus
2. No K-Mart.
3. No television.
4. No cheerleaders.
5. No baseball 6. No football.
7. No basketball.
8. No hockey.
9. No golf.
10. No tailgate parties.
11. No Home Depot.
12. No hot dogs. No burgers.
13. More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?).
14. Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
15.Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are
no doctors.
16. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
17.No chocolate chip cookies.
18. No Girl Scout cookies.
19. No Christmas.
20. You can't shave.
21. Your wives can't shave.
22. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning
camel dung.
23. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
24. Your bride is picked by someone else.
25. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better
disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really. IS
THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Digi Maria - good to hear from you again after a long absence.

                    The Jamaican fireman
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his  wife.
"Ya now sumptin' womaan, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
"From now on womaan, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night gal."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped
naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four" "WOMAAN ... What de
hell is Bell Four'?" he asked??
She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MAAN, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE!!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Eric in his tree.

South African Elephant Stew Recipe.

Ingredients -
1 Elephant.
10 Warthog.
100 kilogram tomatoes.
half ton potatoes.
2 bags onions.
100 kilogram salt.
1 wheelbarrow onions (heaped).
10 litre vinegar.
20 litre chutney.
4 Guineafowl.

Method -
Hunt the elephant, warthog and guineafowl. Hang guineafowl to ripen. Cut
elephant into edible chunks, (will take about a month).
Boil the warthog with other ingredients (except guineafowl) till nice and
juicy. Now boil elephant chunks over high flames till tender. (will take
about 4 weeks) and add everything together. Boil for another 5 to 7 days.

Produces about 3,500 helpings.

Note: If the above isn't enough, add the guineafowl as well. Rabbit may be
added  "Only use rabbit, NEVER use hare, as many people are put off by
finding a hare in their food."

The following suggestion -
For additional flavouring add some oregano and fakawe bird portions. For
those of you who don't know, the fakawe bird is a flightless bird with
short legs living on the grass plains of Central Africa. To see where it
is, every now and then it jumps up to see above the tall grass and shouts:
"where the fakawe!"

Presentation?
At the very least I would add parsley to garnish, say 1 to 1 1/2 hectares
of parsley

This dish takes about 2 to 3 months to prepare.

For the "FLoydd" type chefs:
Marinade the elephant chunks for 6 months in 20 000 litres of treacle and
all the red wines you can get your hands (and American Express card) on at
the Nederberg Auctions.
Sauté in 10 000 bottles of KWV Port (are we still allowed to call it Port?)
for 2-3 days, allowing a generous chef's tasting of Port, purely for
quality control every 100 bottles, you understand?
Add 4 000 bottles of a smoky shiraz and bring to the boil within six weeks.
Towards the end add 650 bottles of brandy and flambé, wearing an asbestos
apron and welders mask, and having the local fire brigade on short notice.
If the meat isn't tender by this stage, drink the gravy and start again
next hunting season.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Fosters John

At an art exhibition there was a painting of three very naked, and very
black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on
both ends of the bench had black pe_ises, but the man in the middle had a
very pink pe_is. A man and a woman were standing there, staring at the
picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out.
The artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you
with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about the picture of black
men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink pe_is?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The
three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the
middle went home for lunch

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Health fund
and salary included.

Dinner Special -- Turkey \$2.35; Chicken or Beef \$2.25; Children \$2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it!

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does
the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Once there was a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved
them, but they always provoked an embarrassing reaction.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this."

So he gave up beans. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car
broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he
passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed
him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he had several helpings.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt
reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, sat him at the table and made him promise not to peek.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
made him promise not to peek and went to the phone. While she was gone, he
shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was loud and ripe as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the
air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. While
keeping an ear tuned in on the wife and staying blindfolded, he carried on
like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his
napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his
lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked
in. Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE"!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer manoeuvre.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD",
THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW
STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TRUE STORYS (of course from America)

NEWS OF THE STUPID:

A true story out of San Francisco:
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he
handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police
who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back
at Bank of America.

Also from San Francisco:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture...of handcuffs.

Seattle:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged is hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense,
said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a
packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a
five-minute recess to compose himself.

Missouri:
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their
squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When
he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of
identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it
into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because
information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old
armed robbery in St. Louis,

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account
of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved
again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him
arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted
in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't
help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read
"Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read 
"Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat
under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat
under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident." The case was dismissed.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MEN GIVE REAL ANSWERS TO THE FACTS BEHIND BEING A MAN

Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing. We men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life-span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just
misunderstood.

Why do men have to ogle at other women?
Again this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we meet a woman?
Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting
caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal.
Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men
lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as
we can. I suppose we're just unlucky really.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
WE occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's old
fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world
today.

Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust or a brick on the foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel......

Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please .... how many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you
as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around
for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ...
starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for
hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their as_es all day without moving?
Men have powerful sets of sitting muscles, developed by evolution, that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time, without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit on one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for long periods of time, thereby passing on this
ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were gobbled up by Sabre
Toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born
with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you"?
Men are taught from a tender age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love
you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a
character fault. It's not easy to admit one's own character faults.

Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, ho, ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some think it's a sure fire way to
get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say "I love you"?
1.Please sleep with me.
2.I'm sorry for whatever it is I did.
3.I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4.Huh? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
5.What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6.Stop nagging me.
7.What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply do not have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not know the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
things.

Why don't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn
well that you will pick it up for us.

What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.

Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt, women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours to look at things we
have no intention of killing ... er, buying?

Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is
up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a
function of the time peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that
ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually
courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the
seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the
fact that we actually lift the damn thing. We aim to please.

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and
doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world
on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being male; and
plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get).
What more could any of us males ask for?

Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do - possession is 9/10 ths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control
is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than 2 seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (see also: why men
fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can
spell it correctly. It's like a car. No matter how good you think this
year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker and s_xier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase
the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who
wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance
of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to
lease and upgrade to the younger ... er ... I mean newer models every
couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras, like dual air bags.

What does it mean when men say "I'm just not ready for a relationship right
now" or "I don't want a girl friend"?
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that
we want to see you repeatedly.

What does it mean when men say "can we just be friends"?
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.

Do all men really mast_rbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behaviour. It's been passed on from our
most primal forefathers and it'll be passed on to our sons.

Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition and
environment. (see also: Do all men really mast_rbate)

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set it up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may be
able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other
things besides s_x, such as sport and/or beer. We also get hungry quite
often.

How can men possibly find other women attractive (i.e. whatever do you see
in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are
ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractive points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution
is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of selfish
genes. You should love us, despite our inherent weakness.

Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful ... loyal ... affectionate ... and
obedient ...

Thought for the day:
"if a man is talking in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still
wrong"? PROBABLY.......................................

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Moonboot

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and Always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???) (Did the government pay For this
research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From  Moose

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not  lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

So the priest took the hair dryer from her. When they got to Customs,
she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you

have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop...and he got out to investigate
the situation.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat
grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my
house...and I'll feed you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he
said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with
me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered......and they jammed into the huge
limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it! You'll really love
my place......the grass is almost a foot high!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp
as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. 
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life."

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "Well you see, sir - we share the building with the court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

( The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best
Comeback Line" - and we think he'll win !!.)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This mammoth collection from Nottingham Smithie

YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...
You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.
Your best friends are named after animals.
Your best shoes have steel toes.
You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
Your idea of jewellery is chains and barb wire.
You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park
the bike.
You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the
basement.
You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
Any day you ride is a good day.
Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30
miles with a fractured hip.
You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home.
Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and
does doughnuts in the living room.
You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will
start.
Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
Your garage has more square footage than your house.
Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.
You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ITCHING POWDER
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this  would be death. One day he
revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the
Physician exclaimed that he could arrange  for Nick the Dragon Slayer to
satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.  
The  next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and  grew intense.   Upon being
summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four  hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the itch.   The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon  Slayer the antidote for
the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent  breasts.  The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. 
 Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found  Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession
now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing
that Horatio the Physician  could never report this matter to the King, he
shooed Horatio the Physician away with no payment made.   The next day,
Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer...   Moral of the story: Always pay your bills

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The 8 "Why's" of men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)* * * *2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK
DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)* * * *3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)* * * *4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE
ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapour lock)* * *
*(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)* * * *5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER
BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)* * * *6. WHY DID GOD
MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)* * * *7. HOW MANY MEN
DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)* * * *(C'mon guys, we laugh at your
blonde jokes!) And my personal favourite:* * * *8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON
EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TALKING HORSE
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him,
"Hey! Come over here buddy!"   The jogger is stunned but runs over to the
fence where the horse is standing  and asks, "Were you talking to me?"  
The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky
Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me. Now all I do is 
pull a plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and
offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still
run."   The jogger thought to himself,  "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar
signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house to where the
old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the farmer, "Hey
old  man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down old nag you've got in
the field."   The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You
can't believe anything that darn horse says.
He's never even been  to Kentucky."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

STUTTERER
These three blokes are being treated for their stuttering by a gorgeous
female speech therapist. She's finding it impossible to make any progress
with the three men and so she decides  to try a reward system. She tells
the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her
where he was born without stuttering.   The first bloke stands up and
says,  "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast." and sits down in disappointment.
The second bloke gets up and says, "D-D-D-Dublin." and also sits down
sadly.
The third bloke stands up and says, "London." In amazement the therapist
immediately grabs him and takes him into the next room.
After half an hour they return with the bloke having a stupid, satisfied
grin on his face. Before restarting the session the therapist asks if
there's anything that any of the men  would like to say. The third bloke
raises his hand and says, "d-d-d-d-erry."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and an advertisement on
the net were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the
store long before 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back
amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw by an irate  grandmother and knocked around a bit, then
thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said
to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit  me one
more time, I won't open the store!"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy  Thanksgiving" under the turkey.   So the
guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs
him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left  thigh.  
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is
getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
could you tell me why you had me  put such unusual tattoos on your
thighs?"   She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the
time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

VOLUNTEER FIREMEN
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into
flames and the alarm went out to the  volunteer fire departments from
miles around.
When the volunteer fire-fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the centre of  the plant. They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."
The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in
and the president of the chemical  company offered $100,000 to the
fire-fighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men
over the age of 65. To everyone's  amazement, the little fire engine raced
past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before. Within a short time, the old  timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave,  though elderly, fire-fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to
do is fix the brakes on the truck."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

They're not really fixing the streets. They're just moving the holes so
that motorists can't memorize them.

Nothing is real to you until you experience it. Everything else is just
hearsay.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy
enough people to make it worth the effort.

Dan: "I'm a man of few words."
Loz: "Yeah, I'm married, too."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LIMERICKS
A girl who hiked o'er the land Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!

It's easy to please young Miss Flattery,
She wants not a hat from the hattery,
Nor shoes alligator,
But for her vibrator,
She's thrilled with the gift of a battery.

A Limerick Of Classic Proportion Should Have Meter And Rhyme And Proportion
Of Humour Quite Lewd And Frightfully Crude Impossible Sexual Contortion.

I had a dog named Lucky
Who was a horny fucky One day he found The neighbour's hound And got his
sausage stucky!

NOT THE WAY I REMEMBER THEM

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys
could see her Thighs

Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread .
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A PLAYBOY PLAYMATE You get an angry phone call at 2
AM. Describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."
Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they
suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!" You: "Son,
go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
The Neighbourhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a
bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the
middle.
There's always a traffic jam on your street when she is mowing the lawn,
and you live on a cul-de-sac.
You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what colour
her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any.
Attendance at your neighbourhood barbecue sky rockets after she announces
she'll "bring the buns."
After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than
you can handle.
There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk
shovelled. In August. In Orlando.
Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining
order she just took out against you.
Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or
less, or your neighbour can spank us like naughty,
naughty little boys!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen
sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for
everyone around them to hear. "Today we have television,
satellite positioning, jet planes, and space travel; men  have walked on
the moon; our spaceships have visited Mars; and we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, and computers with high
speed processing."    Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany,
the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have these things when we were
young, so we invented them,
you little twit. What are you  doing for the next generation?"   I love
senior citizens!
· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.
· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable  plant.
· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
· Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could! take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the
river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The
minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and
says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this
is where he fell in?"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"
asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

'Toad juice' buyers warned of explosion risk    The makers of a liquid
fertiliser made from pulverised cane toads have issued a warning that the
"toad juice" bottles could explode.
Northern Territory FrogWatch sold 300 bottles at Darwin's recent Garden
Spectacular but says the liquid in the batch is still fermenting.
It has asked customers who have not used their bottle to move the cap half
a turn to ease the pressure or risk getting showered by an evil-smelling
sticky liquid.
Graeme Sawyer, from FrogWatch, says the liquid is no longer poisonous.
"There's no toxin left in it by the time it's been through the fertiliser
process," he said.
"It's an inert substance in that sense, so there's no problem there.
"The issue just is that because it was such a fresh batch, it's still
producing gas.
"If you've got it in the bottle and the lid's sealed tightly, it builds up
pressure in the bottle."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.


An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,  proceeding to scream
at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out
of the car!"


The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like
mad.


The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into
the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that
she could not get her key into the  ignition. She tried and tried, and then
it dawned on her why.


For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found
her own car parked four or five  spaces farther down.


She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report
her mistake.


The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.


He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white  hair, and carrying a large
handgun. No charges were filed.


Moral of the story?


If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Rudolf from the West

Talking to a friend  on the phone today and he offered a great explanation
and reason for the drought that we have been experiencing in Western
Australia and other parts of the world.  Certainly something to ponder
over............

"We all know that the human body consists of about 90% water. Due to the
fact that we have an earth which is over populated (too many human bodies)
there is now insufficient water  left for rainfall............."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Our multimedia and other files collection this week is from Allnutts,
Burnout, Castlehill Books Mob, Croydon Caz, Moose, Nottingham Smithie and
Whizzbang

First up the images .....

The Company has decided to hold a Summer Company party. We can have
alcohol, but due to liability issues, we will be limited to one (1) drink
per person. The good news is, I'm in  charge of cups.
 Click here

My first Kiss
 Click here

Kids!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

These would go in the OOPS file!
 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Scar Tattoo (this is funny in the whacko sense ... ) 
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Childless Couple??
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The real reason why we grind our teeth in our sleep?
 Click here

Then the videos .....

Fathers at Home
 Click here

Why Kids Shouldn't Have Mobiles 
 Click here

Biliard-Domino
 Click here

Americas Rex Hunt
 Click here

Who let the dogs out
 Click here

Then the word docs .....

Dream Office
 Click here

Choose one for the day and wear it with pride 
 Click here

And an xls for good measure .....

Test your concentration.
 Click here

And finally the Powerpoints .....

Only In ...
 Click here

What's the Difference... (tragic) 
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Go/No Go Chart for Blokes
 Click here

Tasteful .....
 Click here

Exercise scares me - Would you date these women?
 Click here

English is easy
 Click here

Rules for which reasons are not known...
 Click here

 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now back to the text contributions from the great unnamed ....

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting,
they would someday end up destroying the world. They sat down and decided
to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The Swiss would provide
neutral referees.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop
the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn
its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay
down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy
from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of
the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect
killing Machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed
iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against
the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would
win in less than a minute.

They opened the cages. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring.
The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but
a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Swiss referees approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We do not understand. Their top scientists and breeders worked
for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They
developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied smiling. "We had our top plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,
I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." 
Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put
a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country
and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,
"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

List Of Actual Subtitles Used In Films Made In Hong Kong!

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you
will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and
can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together
and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass
of the giant lizard person.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession passing by. A long black hearse
was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first
one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a
leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking
single file. The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and
clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years A. George Gobel:
Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll  never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.   Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. 
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the 
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and 
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friends

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents
DAD/MOM

FAKE FRiENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was  wrong.
REAl FRiENDS: Would sit next to you saying "Damn ... we fucked up but that
shit was fun!"

FAKE FRiENDS: never seen you cry.
REAl FRiENDS: cry with you

FAKE FRiENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAl FRiENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE FRiENDS: know a few things about you.
REAl FRiENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRiENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAl FRiENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE FRiENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAl FRiENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE FRiENDS: Are for a while.
REAl FRiENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRiENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAl FRiENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say Bitch
drink the rest of that you know we don't waste shit."

FAKE FRiENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAl FRiENDS: Will knock them the fuck out

FAKE FRiENDS: Would ignore this REAl FRiENDS: Will send this to all there
real friends and hope to get it back!!

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for
weeks now"

He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light, now? does it look like i
have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close
right."

to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? does it look like I have
Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", she says, "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front
door?" they're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps", he says.
"Does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

"I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! "

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is  fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all
the repairs, and all I had to do was  either go to bed with him or bake a
cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo.......do you see Sarah Lea written on my forehead?
I don't think so!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh shit!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A group of Cubans desert their island on their way to Miami. In the middle
of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one) suffers a
major heart attack and as a last wish  asks for a flag to say good-bye to
his dearest Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately
in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their
country...a T-shirt, a  handkerchief...anything. Almost ready to abandon
all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a
tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.

The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear
showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek.

She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face.

The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts
kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye
to you with great sadness. My  land, my flag, Havana...I will miss you
so."

After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl, "Now,
Chica, turn around, por favor. I want to kiss Castro good-bye!"

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the Nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long
corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the Other
residents tolerated her, and some of the male residents actually Joined in
her games.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened And Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop", he Shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that
thing?"

Ethel fished in her handbag, and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it
up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted "stop, have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug deep in her handbag and produced a drink coaster and held it up
to him.

Harold nodded and said "carry on, ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection
in his hand.

"Good grief", said Ethel, "not the breathalyser again".

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A first grade class comes in from recess.

Ms. Goldstein the teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good.  Go to the blackboard, and if you can write
'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Ms. Goldstein says, "Good.  If you write 'box" correctly on the blackboard,
I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at
me."

Ms. Goldstein says, "Threw rocks at you?  That sounds like blatant
inter-racial discrimination.  If you can go the blackboard and write
'blatant inter-racial discrimination' I'll give  you a cookie."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said
to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry,
lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the
heck", so she put on her dark glasses  and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The bastards gave me a
Chihuahua?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]


 Previous (September 22, 2006)  Index Next (October 06, 2006)