Friday humour - September 22, 2006

[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


Our wonderful "Liberal" government is up to its tricks again.

They're trying to ram through new media laws that would result in "more
diversification" for consumers.

Deregulation? - you may ask.  A fourth commercial TV network perhaps?

No.  They're about to relax Paul Keating's cross media ownership laws that
have served us so well for 20 years.

Of course they argue that it is deregulation.  But how can it be when it
can only result in fewer owners?  And also when the current owners are
protected from new owners entering the market?

They say that anything goes as long as a capital city has "five voices"
(owners).  Regional markets will need four voices.

So you'd have to expect that the whole of Oz will end up with two media
moguls pretty much running everything.  Packer and Murdoch spring to mind.

Not only will Murdoch keep putting out 70% of Australia's daily newspapers,
but will also likely own the Seven Network, plus a talkback radio station
(maybe more) in every market.  Anyone who's seen Fox News Channel or seen
the doco-movie "Outfoxed" would be aware of the worry here.

Packer will not only own the most successful TV network, but is also likely
to own The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, and The Financial Review, plus
another talk station (maybe more) in every city.

They will be the two big voices.  Others might try and shout here and there
but they won't be heard.

No doubt Network Ten will qualify as another "voice".  Don't worry. 
They'll continue to focus on a younger demographic, have nothing to say
and continue to make heaps of money for their Canadian owners without
rocking any boats.

Which leaves an odd assortment of music radio stations making up the fourth
and fifth voices in the respective markets.

Can anyone in their right mind advise me (editorials~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au) 
how this proposed legislation will increase diversification.

I am a regular contributor to the Oz radio newsgroup.  We pull the industry
apart and suggest what might happen to improve the standard of radio.  I
can't believe how so many contributors are totally asleep on this issue
and would rather talk about ... "Kyle and Jackie O's golden era of
breakfast radio ratings", "Hinch on Regional Stations", "Your dream
brekkie crew" and "Red faces after MIX-up".

Australia already has the most concentrated media ownership of any country
in the western world.  Given that the US has 295 million people its
overall situation is arguably worse than ours on a per capita basis.

We can only hope that the National Party senators block this lunatic
legislation on the basis that their regional markets will end up total
satellites of the capital city media.  Have they got the balls?  Time will

If this Howard government stays in long enough it's only a matter of time
before we'll have the daily choice of watching the CBS Evening News or the
NBC Nightly News, or even worse down the track ... Fox World News.

May God help us all!

On a happy note, we received a message from Mandie M (who used to
contribute to FH as M&Ms).  She's now happily settled into her new life
working for the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service up the top of the
West Aussie coast at Broome.  Here is Mandie's little PowerPoint slide
show.  Hey - not bad views from work!

 Click here
Mandie finishes up ... "I've got only got one thing to say to
ya'll....'CRIKEY! it's beautiful up here!'"

Moose sent some great little excel versions of popular games.  Give them a
"Quite possibly the best email all year... GAMES IN EXCEL" 
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

And if you found that a bit too taxing, try this simple little conundrum
from UK Smithie of Sherwood Forest fame.
 Click here

(Send any comments suggestions and assorted insults to


First up a couple from Fosters John over at the B1 bottling line

                          HOW TO COPE WITH STRESS

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time. 2. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw
underwear on the natives. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When somebody says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans. 5.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done. 6. Dance naked in
front of your pets. 7. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals. 8. Go
shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. 9. Pay your
electric bill in pennies. 10. Drive to work in reverse. 11. Read the
dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 12. Start a nasty
rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. 13. Write a
short story using alphabet soup. 14. Stare at people through the tines of
a fork and pretend they're in jail. 15. Make up a language and ask people
for directions in it. 16. Replace the filling of a twinkie with ketchup
and put it back in the wrapper.


              A letter from a Redneck Mother to her Daughter

Dear Child

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read very fast. We don't
live at the same place we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address because the last family to live here
took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works to well though. Last week I put in a load in and pulled the chain. I
haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained
twice last week three days the first time and four the next. The coat you
wanted me to send you, your Uncle Mike said it would too heavy to mail
with the buttons on. So, I cut the buttons off and put them in the
pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't
make the last payment on Granny's grave, up she comes. John locked the
keys in the car last week. We worried because it took him two hours to get
me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found
out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an
uncle. If it's a girl, she is going to name it after me. She is going to
name it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat the other day. Some men tried to pull him
out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned
for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Ralph was drivin. He rolled down his window and swam to safety. Sam and
Fred were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothin' much has happened.

Love, Mom

PS: I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


This came from Maayan in South Africa

                  FH Eyewitness News latest from New York

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press
conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebre-ja movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebre-ja is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent
or profound statement by the president.


This from Muse from London on Thames in Canada

                                   Three Brave Tales

Picture the scene. It's a cold night beside the campfire and stars twinkle
in the dark night sky. Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one
from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting around a
campfire near Ayers Rock, each full of the bravado for which they are
famous. A night of tall tales begins.

Steve the Aussie says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang-glider dude
there is. Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile
who got loose from the swamp and ate six men before I wrestled it to the
ground with my bare hands."

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you
guys, I landed after a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail and a fifteen foot
Namibian desert snake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I
grabbed that bar-steward with my bare hands and beat it's head off, then
sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

Kevin the Kiwi remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.


These came from Arfermo


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What
are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


                                      So Sue Me!

"Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the
America of the 1990s.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your
family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school
for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame
the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was
dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.


                                  Versace for kids

Most readers have at some point in their childhood had to schlep around in
a sibling's hand-me-downs. To clothing manufacturers, 'hand-me-down' is a
four letter word. They would prefer parents take clothes that no longer
fit junior, drop them into a vat of acid and pour quick-lime over the
smoking remains.

Just when you thought it was insane to shell out big bucks at Baby Gap for
a pair of pants that has more built-in obsolescence than the latest
version of Microsoft Windows, the fashion houses have spotted the trend.

The people that brought us clothing worth more per square inch than Donald
Trumps' ass (and about as practical) are busily mining a rich vein of new
parents, whose brains are made of the same consistency of what is found in
a used diaper.

Hermes, Versace and Prada are busily churning out toddler's togs made with
angora, pure virgin wool and white mink. Yep, they're slitting the throats
of a few hundred mink, so that darling Buffy has something warm and soft to
puke on, after too many jelly beans and pop tarts.

And we called the Roman Empire decadent.


                                    Russian Bridge

The Russians are proposing to construct a tunnel under the 25 mile-wide
Bering Strait that separates Russia from Alaska. This is of course
as it will only benefit one country, Russia, in the following ways:

1.  US & Western monetary aid will be trucked in semis directly into
instead of the more costly, indirect flights.

2.  It will only cost $100 billion to build the tunnel - $600 billion less
than the West has already poured into corrupt Kremlin official's bank

3.  The Russian Mafia will finally have a steady supply of cement with
which to dispose of their victim's bodies.

4.  Russian hookers will be able to hitch-hike to New York.

5.  Lada automobiles will be driven to the USA, where their engines will be
removed and sold as sewing machines.

The only benefit to the North American economy?

1.  Vlad Putin will finally be able to go drinking in US bars???


These from Allnutts over in Highett

                      The cardiologist and the mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to
take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I
it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the
really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the

''Try doing it with the engine running."


Moose sent this lot in

                                  Loyalty in marriage

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with
me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my
side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me!"


                              Damn Checking Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window "I
want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to
listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the
manager asks the old geezer "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop.  From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants and ripped down his own
pants ...

The Jamaican began screaming:



Here's some stuff from UK Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                                    Kids Bible Studies

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following
statements about the bible were written by Children. They have neither
been retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of The bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the
world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of
ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on In pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up
to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews
in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought
the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived In biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in
the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before
they do one to you. He also explained a man Doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the opossums was st. Matthew who was also a taxi man..

24. St. paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is
another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monoton.



Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my
body doesn't want me to do too much, so I  have worked out this program of
strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are
invited to use my  program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions 
3) Climbing the walls 
4) Swallowing my pride 
5) Passing the buck 
6) Throwing my weight around 
7) Dragging my heels 
8) Pushing my luck 
9) Making mountains out of molehills 
10) Hitting the nail on the head 
11) Wading through paperwork 
12) Bending over backwards 
13) Jumping on the bandwagon 
14) Balancing the books 
15) Running around in circles 
16) Eating crow 
17) Tooting my own horn 
18) Climbing the ladder of success 
19) Pulling out the stops 
20) Adding fuel to the fire 
21) Opening a can of worms 
22) Putting my foot in my mouth 
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge 
25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.



There was a debauched little wench that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.

There was a young fellow named Pell Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.

When I was young and had no sense I stuck my dick in an electric fence it
singed my hair and tickled my balls I shit all over my new overalls .

Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon,
But I once had a tree in my garden,
With a trunk long and thick,
But I have to admit,
'Twas nothing, compared to John's hard'un..."


                                     Ralph's Dream

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping Wife,
and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St
Peter said, "You died in Your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: As a

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm nearh his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting
in the bed!"


Here's a couple from Whizzbang

                                    Bedtime story

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home.

She read, "...... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw
to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly ..... "I
think the man would have said: "Well, fuck me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


                                 Awareness Scenario

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: Get off the children's merry-go-round.  You're pissed!


And from Trina

                                  Hollywood Squares

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and
clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years A. George Gobel:
Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.


These were sent in from Stephen at JokesAreUs

  Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipp-Ex. You probably got here just
in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress Are you discriminatory toward people who  practice Yoga?"

4. "Heck! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle
that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

1. Raise your head slowly and say, " Jesus name, Amen."


                                       At the mall ...

Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel at the mall. "You're looking very tired
today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some
gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a
He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you,

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else
he could make my Harry the best lover in the world."

"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Rachel.


                                       Little Johnny
                             (slightly modified by Davo)

Little Johnny blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. Janet tells him to stop it as he's liable to break
something. Johnny continues.

"Johnny!" Janet screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Janet leaves for a short trip to the shopping

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it
lands in the toilet. Janet comes in and while putting away the groceries
gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in
time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls Dr Nelson.  The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,
but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he
arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and
takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might
be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!"


                                Trendy Supermarket

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


                                       Closet Case

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day. He
went up to a friend and said," You must help me. My wife and I are both
virgins and we don't know what to do!"

The friend replied," Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

Man says," To Disneyworld."

Friend ,"OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the
closet. If you have a problem.... I'll be there."

Man," Thank you!"

They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom. He
stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an, "Oh... shit!"

His friend in the closet whispered, "Flip her over! Flip her over!"


Croydon Caz from the UK sent these in

                                          The dam

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to
look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slow but they can still think fast!!


                         THE STORY OF JIM AND PEGGY

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of  housekeeping as when they
were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy.  When I retired a few years ago, it  became necessary for Peggy to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health  benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually  get home from the
golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost  always says she has to rest for half an hour
or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.  Instead, I tell her
to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.   I
generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't  clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another
symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example, Peggy will say that
it is difficult for her to  find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.  But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days.  That way she won't have to rush so  much.  I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know what I mean!).  I  like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half  finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass  of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
I'm not saying that showing  this much consideration is easy.  Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better  than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less  criticism
of your aging wife  because of this article,  I will consider that writing
it was well  worthwhile.  After all,  we are put on this earth to help each

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely five inches
of grip showing, and a  sledge hammer laying  nearby.  His wife Peggy was
arrested and charged with murder.   The all-woman jury took only 15 
minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow,
without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club very quickly.


Now to the pics ... and they're from Whizzbang, Vinae in Oregon, Smithie of
Nottingham, Maayan, Sid T, Muse, Croydon Caz, Burnout, Danni V, Allnutts,
and Moose.

From Muse

Tony just wouldn't like this...
 Click here

I call it the princess symdrome
 Click here

Passion killer  
 Click here

Animal magic  
 Click here

From Burnout

Eventually Google will search everything
 Click here

Another Good Use for Duct Tape
 Click here

 Click here

Waiting For The RACQ
 Click here

BBQ Beware  
 Click here

The Power of Makeup ...
 Click here

From Croydon Caz

You'll never believe it!!!

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic
Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill's company
installed a car wash system in Frederick, MD. Now, understand that these
are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was
losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.

He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes
and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do
that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did
catch him on film!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.

The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the

That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it
was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they
identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of
the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

And you thought you heard of everything by now!!! And to think the phrase
"bird brain" is associated with being dumb.

Not these birds.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Caz' Candid Assortment  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Surviving a Terrorist Attack - What you NEED to know...
 Click here

From Danni in Analysis

 Footy Family Portraits
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From Allnutts

Shopping Bags  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From Maayan

Be alert, not alarmed
 Click here

Bics and bucks  
 Click here

From Vinae from Oregon

Vinae's variety  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

From Whizzbang

What does a blonde do to hide a picture that she installed by mistake on
the background of her computer, when she doesn't know how to delete it?
 Click here

If advertising was honest............
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Dare you not to smile
 Click here

 Click here

2 million years on and nothing has changed]
 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

 Click here

From Sid T

Be careful when operating this calculator Ha...Ha....Ha..Sid
 Click here

From Moose

Stupidity at its best
 Click here Click here

Why Aunty Janice is no longer allowed to take care of Billy
 Click here

Do you remember this?
 Click here

Canine Perspectives...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Emailing: Brolly from the devil-321
 Click here

Why you should ALWAYS wear your seatbelt in a getaway car
 Click here

Four Good Commercials
 Click here

Awesome truck
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hunter  Click here


These from Minnesota Scott

                 Why Muslims are so eager to commit suicide

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide. Let's see now ...

1. No Jesus
2. No Wal-Mart.
3. No television.
4. No cheerleaders.
5. No baseball 6. No football.
7. No basketball.
8. No hockey.
9. No golf.
10. No tailgate parties.
11. No Home Depot.
12. No hot dogs. No burgers.
13. More than one wife. (Hello, Are you crazy?)) 
14. Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
15. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are
no doctors. 
16. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. 
17. No chocolate chip cookies. 
18. No Girl Scout cookies. 
19. No Christmas. 
20. You can't shave. 
21. Your wives can't shave. 
22. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning 
camel dung. 
23. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
24. Your bride is picked by someone else.
25. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really. 
Is there any mystery here?


                                       The Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore the driver's door
off of the Jag.

He immediately grabbed his mobile phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a
chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. 
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely
ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to
make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high
rolling lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that
you don't notice anything else." .

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the
elbow down?  It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." .

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"


More from Nottingham Smithie

                             Politically correct Trafalgar

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook
is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest
it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."


"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they
said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear
mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the
disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas
of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew
up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and
the lash?"

As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case . Hardy and all ye PC lefties, - KISS MY ASS!"


And more from John at CUB

                                      On the Buses

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus
Company. His first day on the job - he arrives at his first stop, opens
the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother
and her two daughters.

The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?"

The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty
Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big. Really big. I mean,
they're fat. The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for
their age..."

He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two
little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find
their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop. He opens the
bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son.

The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says,

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special." And
he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds.
The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has
pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has
the white socks and sandals. The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I
want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up
front every day."

"No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up
The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop. He opens the bus
doors and sees a mother and another little boy.

The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

He says,"Yes, ma'am I am."

She says, "Well, my name is Mrs Cleese, and this is my son Lester." And
when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor
little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods
sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on
and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall."

The driver says,"No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat. And
then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rearview
mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the
largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way
that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and
returns to the bus barn. He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He
walks right up to the boss and yells, "I QUIT!"

The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?"

The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job."

The boss says, "What are you talking about?"

And the bus driver answers, "Well here's my problem. How could I take a job
where all I would have to look forward to every day would be...



                                      The Stop Sign

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop
sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop,
and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming
to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that."

He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would
you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"


These classics recycled from Moose

                              NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."



Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer
are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of
you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the
Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Australians can come into our
precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there
was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5 000 feet high, 500
feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or
out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Aussie Engineer says; "Fill it with water."



A final quickie from Allnutts

                                      Problem name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just
an athlete ...  She is now a nurse currently working at the

Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones.  It caused too much
confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.


Quote of the week:

  "The devil came here yesterday.  He came here talking as if he were   
the owner of the world.  In this very spot it smells like sulfur still."

                                              Venezuelan President - Hugo

(in an address to the UN General Assembly a day after George W Bush)


[ End friday humour ]

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