Friday humour - September 15, 2006


(From Deano at Bluehaze)

Gidday fellow humourites.  It has been a big week for prominent public
events this week.  The 5th anniversary of the tragic events of 11th
September 2001, which have been covered in the world news but back here in
Australia we lost two of our legends.  First Steve Irwin died from injuries
due to a stingray attack and then our home grown motor racing legend Peter
Brock aged 61 died whilst competing in a rally in Western Australia.  He
was one of our most experienced racing drivers but it must have been a
combination of the vehicle dynamics, a wet road and a powerful car, not to
mention the bloody big tree he hit, that took his life.  We should not
dwell on the sadness but look at people's achievements.  Brocky was
admired by motor racing fans of both persuasions here in Australia, his
Holden fans (a division of General Motors) and also the "enemy", the Ford
fans.
 Click here . The Australian sense of

humour did not take long to rear its head - within minutes of hearing
news of Peter Brocks death I received an SMS message from a mate "What are
the first words Brocky heard when he got to heaven?  Crikey!!
You're dead too??"


Here is a tribute to Steve Irwin sent on by one of our major contributors,
Burnout:


THE CROCODILES ARE CRYING

Endless visions fill my head - this man - as large as life And instantly my
heart mourns for his angels and his wife Because the way I see Steve Irwin
- just put everything aside It comes back to his family - it comes back to
his pride

His animals inclusive - Crikey - light the place with love!
Shine his star with everything he fought to rise above The crazy-man of
Khaki from the day he left the pouch Living out his dream and in that
classic 'Stevo' crouch

Exploding forth with character and redefining cheek It's one thing to be
honoured as a champion unique It's one thing to have microphones and
spotlight cameras shoved It's another to be taken in and genuinely loved

But that was where he had it right - I guess he always knew From his
fathers' modest reptile park and then Australia Zoo We cringed at times
and shook our heads - but true to natures call

There was something very Irwin in the make up of us all Yes the more I care
to think of it - the more he had it right If you're going to make a
difference - make it big and make it bright!
Yes - he was a lunatic! Yes - he went head first!
But he made the world feel happy with his energetic burst

A world so large and loyal that it's hard to comprehend I doubt we truly
count the warmth until life meets an end To count it now I say a prayer
with words of inspiration May the spotlight shine forever on his dream for
conservation

My daughter broke the news to me - my six year old in tears It was like
she'd just turned old enough to show her honest fears I tried to make some
sense of it but whilst her Dad was trying His little girl explained it
best. she said "The crocodiles are crying"

Their best mate's up in heaven now - the crocs up there are smiling!
And as sure as flowers, poems and cards and memories are piling As sure as
we'll continue with the trademarks of his spiel Of all the tributes worthy
- he was rough. but he was real

As sure as 'Crikey!' fills the sky

I think we'll miss ya Steve. goodbye


RUPERT McCALL 2006


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Now onto the humour


The following from Burnout...

Two Scots

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin pure brilliant," says Jock.
"I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars,
the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods
approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that"!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white!"


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Someone's Darling

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walks into Big W with her two kids in
tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door woman says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice children
you've got there -- are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike, ya
Fuckwit?"
"Absolutely not," replies the woman, "I just can't believe anyone would
fuck you twice!"


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+++ Subject: A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do


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IN THE WOODS

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to
hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a
long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.
Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every
single buttercup in that patch.   Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke,
a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how
long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter
of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"  
Then POOF!...she was gone.   After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered
for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"   Harry yells, "I'm
over here, in the pussy willows."   Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!!
FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"


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And here are some from Smithy...

Blonde again

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this
time."


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This was also from Smithy

The blonde

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good
plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front
of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and
asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and
replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once
more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut
the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more
than 5 minutes!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited...
and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the
car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud
enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her
by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants
down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde
breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just
gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and
pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled,
"Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied
tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in
there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked
out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused
and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE
SAFE!"


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Carol has sent this beauty

THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper
thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of
Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC,
interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news,
broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel has
gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax
hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the
charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken
to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt
when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as
a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get
to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On
arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent
love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed
them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then
return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they
would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain
money from peoples credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain
the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since
arrival in Australia.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care
of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers
representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are
praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural
diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to
befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
Australia.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond  65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

THE END


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And from Fosters John - the man who can make any woman look great!!

HOW TO INSTALL THE HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1 . Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and  magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads, "Hey Bubba - big Mike and I went 
for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitbulls. Better
wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house.


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In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul McCartney was asked if he
would ever go down on one knee again.
He said ' I'd prefer it if you called her Heather'


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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald wanted to have s_x with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your
bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"


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A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by
a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter
welcomed her.

"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see,
we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
we're  not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you
are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the
downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto
a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her
were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed happy,
and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both  cheeks,
and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and
afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and
lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she
had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it
was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she
stepped into the  elevator. The elevator went back up to Heaven where St.
Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp
and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the
day's end St. Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in Hell
and you've spent a day in Heaven".  "You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied,  "Well, Heaven is certainly
lovely, but I actually had a better time in Hell.   I choose Hell."
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
down to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here,
and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we
danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled.  "Yesterday we were recruiting
you, today you're staff."


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A woman, quietly sitting at home one afternoon, hears a knock at the front
door. She goes to the door and opens it, a man standing there asks her,
"Do you have a vagina?"
The woman slams the door in disbelief at what the strange man had just
asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days, so the woman decides she
better tell her husband about this man. Her husband becomes outraged and
says, "Tomorrow I am not going to work. If the man comes back and asks if
you have a vagina, say yes, I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the man comes back and knocks on the front door.
She opens the door, and when he asks if she has a vagina, she says "Yes".
Then the man says to the woman, "Good. Then please tell your husband to
stop screwing my wife".


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And now Moonboot's quality contributions


Black testicles

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A
young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he
mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only
here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so
she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my
testicles black?"
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas,
moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them."
Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I
said, are my test results back?!"


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And from Notingham Smithie
Old Jewish man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,long
time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there
he was walking slowly up to the holy site.  She watched him pray and after
about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow
fashion, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.  Sir, how long have you been coming to  the
Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years."
"60 years!  That's amazing!  What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I  pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."


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Zoo job

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to
death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked
by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two Chimps with a
spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says
to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion
enclosure.
He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and
throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with
mushy bees."


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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. 
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream  channel. All restoration work shall be completed no
later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time
and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.  My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2)
Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should
leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling
them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should
be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  The bears
are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS


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Far away

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn. I wish I was a shark then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Justin turned
into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it inevitably does.....) and Justin found himself becoming
bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he
came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't
believe his luck. Justin thought that maybe the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is
back as a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse!)
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy
and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came
flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend.
Come out and see me again."
"Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy
and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

Wait for it.....


Scroll Down......................


A bit further... it's worth the wait!.........................


"I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From Greg and Pam

Having another baby??

Just in case you were contemplating having another baby.
With all the new technology regarding fertility lately, a 65 year old woman
was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from hospital and
went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see your new baby?" one asked, when they were seated in the lounge
room.
"Not yet," said the new mother. "I'll make coffee and we can chat for a
while first."
Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby
now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the
baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"


__._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Now for the multitude of pics etc from Whizzbang, Burnout, Allnuts,
Brett, Davo, Smithy, Carol, Eric in his tree, Maayan, Moose, Muse,
Notingham Smithie and also from anonymous.


Wrist exercises
Just a little something for you to do if you are at a loose end for 5 to 50
minutes......
Click below Don't wear your mouse out!
A BIT RUDE but if you are daring, CLICK HERE!
 Click here


Remembering Steve Irwin
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


Insurance up to date ?
 Click here


A nice little Austrian town.
 Click here


Fridge Magnet
 Click here


What does a blonde do after a serious car crash?
 Click here


A Melon, Some Petrol, and an Idiot...
 Click here


The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs. Apparently these are real.

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. wait for it. is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
and views at Click here

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
 Click here


5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.
 Click here

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com


 Click here
gotta love the way he's ordered to take an "extended driving  test"...
don't you love the law?


B 4 expiry date
 Click here


My mum says I can
 Click here


Amazing Urinals
 Click here


Boss away
 Click here


You just can't beat a good bonk
 Click here


The story of creation OZ style!
 Click here


Having another baby??
 Click here

Please read quietly then send it back on its journey
 Click here


The Royal Fart
It would seem that someone within the ranks passed wind whilst on the
balcony - much to the amusement of all.
Notice HM the Queen's face in the first two photos, then look at her final
expression in picture three.
How guilty does HRH the Duke of Edinburgh look?
 Click here


National Geographic photos
 Click here

Sand Art
 Click here


Drunk soccer fan - Yes it's a urinal.
You'll never see an AFL or Rugby supporter do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Click here


Good way to get the telly when footys on
 Click here

Greatest hangover cure
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


ah the man show
 Click here

German Engineering
 Click here


How Italians tell the time
This video is in Italian, so you need to read the setup if you don't
understand Italian.
SETUP: An elderly Italian man is sleeping on the side of the road on a pile
of hay..... He is awakened by a man on a motorcycle who asks for the time.
The old gentleman has a donkey next to him and by simply feeling the
donkey's testicles, he tells the man on the motorcycle the time......? On
his return trip, the man spots the old man again and,
thinking the old man was just lucky, asks him again. To the man's surprise,
the old man is exactly correct again about the time.
Now watch the video .
 Click here


Weddingoftheyear.pdf
 Click here


World Cup 2010
 Click here


A great way to advertise
 Click here


For the man who has everything
 Click here


Bird Watching

Which of the two birds is a female?
Below are two birds. Study them closely......... See if you can spot which
of the two is the female.
It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
 Click here


New Sony Camera
 Click here


One of those days!
 Click here


AN  ENGINEERING MASTER PIECE
During the  construction phase...... Dubai ,  United Arab  Emirates
 Click here Click here
All  finished.              Notice  the palm trees outside..........
Remember,  this is in the middle of the desert.... The very HOT desert
where temperatures get up to 45 degrees C.
Unbelievable!
But true.....
The INSIDE view:
 Click here Click here Click here
We wonder why petrol is $1.40 a litre for unleaded?


Birds & bees
How do you all like this explanation for how a baby is born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You got Male!"
 Click here


Laundry instructions for men
 Click here


 Click here

A trap for Aussie soldiers in Iraq
 Click here


Stephen's Snaps
 Click here
Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern
Beaches Sydney.
Updated regularly.


And now for some XXXX rated pics etc...

Where did she hide it?
 Click here


Workers Compensation Injury
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now pack to the written stuff  - from anonymous


Toilet Truths

Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa for some fun.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decide to visit the men's
room and they find a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who
says, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature: a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful,
you will be rewarded with your wish. But be warned, if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness
for all eternity!"
The men quickly entered, and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader steps up
and says, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three," and he suddenly
finds the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.
Al Gore steps up and says "I think I'm the most environmentally conscious
of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to
fund his projects.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush
looks into the mirror and says, "I think..." and is promptly sucked into
the mirror.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favourite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently ,
anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.


And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.


And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favourite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far.


You see he was a Soldier,
While fighting for our freedom died this past year Because airplanes hit
the towers and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close  my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.


And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them,
a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The flight attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am a Princess and I
take orders  from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his
sheepdog to count them.  The dog runs into the field, counts them, and
then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer.  "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog.  "But I rounded them up."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was
going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I
should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and
returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said,
"and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and
pick me up from school."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


It's a Conspiracy!!

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away... Yesterday  I walked to the corner and I
was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time!  If  you ask them to speak up they
just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message
until  they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the
other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an
old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own  refection...  Well,
REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and
limb if you happen to pull onto the  freeway in front of them..  All I can
say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them
screech and  swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they
suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12  dress as 18 or 20?  Do they
think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist,
hips, thighs, and  bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse.  Do they think I actually "believe"  the number I see on that
dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in
here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone  will have to suffer these
awful indignities.

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has
caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they
enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
Clyde asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in
town.

Despite their age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink and
things continued along their natural course. Maude soon joined Clyde in
bed and as they were basking in the glow of the magic they were sharing,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Clyde was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Myrddin wasn't the brightest guy in the world and his co-workers were
continually ribbing him on the job.
One in particular, Thorn, would greet him each morning and precipitate this
exchange.
"Say Myrddin, you seen Ben?"
"Ben who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Myrddin confided in his
more worldly brother Todd who said, "Listen, next time you see Thorn, ask
him if he's seen Eileen.  Thorn will ask, 'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I
lean over and you kiss my ass."
Memorizing his lines, Myrddin went to work early to wait for Thorn.  As
soon as Thorn arrived, Myrddin ran over to him.
"Hey Thorn, you seen Eileen?"
"No," Thorn answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Myrddin frowned, "Ben who?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she
had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently
for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will screw ANYTHING!"



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[ End friday humour ]


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