Friday humour - September 08, 2006


[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Well here it is my turn again, so lets get on with it.

This week has been puncturated by the sudden and sad demise of Steve Irwin.
It has been a while since we have seen such a wealth of coverage and such a
breadth of energetic opinion on a single sudden event. For my two Bob's
worth, the bloke deserves every cent he ever earned, and then some. Now
some folk will have to find another tall poppy.

When I was playing around with the widgetry again this past week I came
across some interesting Google facts which illuminate our Friday Humour's
place in the greater scheme of things. A search for "Friday Humour" gets
us Number One ranking in the WHOLE†WORLD.
Even more interestingly, a search for plain old generic "humour" gets us a
number 64 ranking in the WHOLE†WORLD. Tony must have been doing something
right ... (yes I know about the spelling - but it is a much better outcome
this way.)

And as for the anticipated political comment ... I have decided that my
detoxification diet wont allow it.

My favourite for this week is from Whizzbang:
Another bud light commercial 
 Click here

And now for the rest of the funny (cute/strange/unusual/sage) stuff :-

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First up some interesting external sites ...

From Wellington Ben - Interesting website - "How to destroy the Earth":
 Click here

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From Allnutts - This is addictive - dedicated to teachers & students &
wanna beeees!
 Click here

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Moonboot has decided to go into business and writes:

I'm starting a new business and selling homeopathic water...

You can use it for treatment of heatstroke, hay fever, headache,
meningitis, hepatitis B, C & D, rabies, tennis elbow, cuts & sores,
bowel disorders, flu, mad cow disease, malaria, HIV, dehydration, sunburns,
blindness, lost limbs and Parkinson's disease.

It has been tested on every known animal on the planet.

Apply liberally any way you want internal or externally, in case of
overdose please use a toilet.

 Click here

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And now for the text stuff ...

From Allnutts

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a very attractive
blonde Swiss girl. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the
tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his
cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and
fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to
slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
And she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who  they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out  later who
you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
Each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually Gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10  (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote About me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7  (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess With
that.
- Curt, age 7  (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8  (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8  (Too  much detail for his age)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10   (The boy already understands)

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This collection (with attributions) from Fosters John

Thanks to Jock from Site Services

U R A GLASWEGIAN If:

1.   Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie,
Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2.   Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae,(from) the chippie.

3.   Ye get four seasons in wan day.

4.   Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin,(salivating) when
yerblootert(drunk).

5.   Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6.   Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories * pure class!

7.   Ye measure distance in minutes.

8.   Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in
yer ain family.

9.   Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10.   Ye kin make hael,(whole) sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11.   Ye know whit haggis is made ae,(of) and stull like eating it.

12.   Somedy,(somebody) ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur
wedding day date.

13.   You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
Church/Chapel.

14.   Ye urny,(aren't) surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n
chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15.   Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16.   A big flash car has a ned,(bogan) at the wheel.

17.   Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

18.   Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

19.   Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals

20.   Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard these
words ...

how's it hingin,
clatty (dirty),
boggin (horrible),
cludgie (toilet),
pished (drunk),
get it up ye,
wee beasties (little spiders etc),
ar_e bandit (homer s_xual),
amurny (I am not),
away an bile yer heid (go away and boil your head),
peely-wally (anaemic),
humphey backit (hump backed),
Ba'-heid (ball head),
baw bag (s_rotum),
dubble nugget (a double nougat ice cream treat).


Wee Glesca(Glasgow) wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds(hands) ahint(behind) his
back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer
Ayrshirebacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh,
she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!

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Thanks to Brett from the RAAF

A spoonerism is "a play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels,
or morphemes are switched". Named after William Archibald Spooner (Sod rest
his goal), a crusty old English clergyman and Oxford University lecturer
who was prone to such utterances, the spoonerism turns a pack of lies into
a lack of pies, a block of flats into a flock of bats, and Westpac Bank
into something from which you wouldn't want to make too many withdrawals.

According to the rules:

"When dealing with letters that correspond to produce a different sound
than their separate connotations such as 'sh', 'ch', 'ph',
etc... both letters are moved to preserve the original verbal sound. For
example, 'Cheer for Dennis' would be 'Deer for Chennis'."

Here's a photo of Brad and Angelina's new baby, Shiloh Pitt.


An Irishman goes to the Doctor with an_l problems...
"Ah, Dactor, it's me backside. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya would".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he
says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10
note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me
to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
andanother and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no
more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's much better. How much was indare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,999 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling too
grand......."


An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He
then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
And again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie
chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little
Indian tell truth, I no punish."
So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. " The old
Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him.
When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no
get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped
down."


Socceroos speak - something tells me that they should let their feet do the
talking.

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - Tim Cahill
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league." - Mark Viduka.
"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had." - Lucas Neill.
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day." - John Aloisi.
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable." - Ned Zelic.
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well." - Mark Schwarzer.
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Vince Grella.
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." -
Harry Kewell.
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Mile Sterjovski.
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live
in Middlesborough." - Mark Viduka.
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Craig Moore.
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." -
Harry Kewell.
"I couldn't settle in Italy- it was like living in a foreign country." -
Vince Grella.
"Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals
out there." - Zeljko Kalac.
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock." - Jason Culina.
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European." - Scott Chipperfield.
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Marco
Bresciano.
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
- Craig Moore.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Mark
Viduka.
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Harry Kewell.

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Thanks to Sarge from B1

Married 32 years
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 32 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 32 years
ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20
year old. Now, we have a nice house,
nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 52 year old
woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
20year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10 inch black and white TV.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle All over the bedside clock The
little dog laughed to see such fun Then died of electric shock

There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her
forehead When she was good, she was very very good But when she was
bad................
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his
thumb and pulled out a plum And said, "Holy Sh_t, am I high?"

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry When the
boys came out to play He kissed them too cause he was gay

Mary had a little sheep
And with the sheep she went to sleep The sheep turned out to be a ram And
Mary had a little lamb


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrh_ea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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Thanks to Andrew from Motech

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig
which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you
is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the
helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do
to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're drunk !!

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From the ever-present and effervescent Moonboot

12 steps to internet recovery

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I
used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner
before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and
family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8 )I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them
to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is
necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my
check book because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ...
and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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Golf

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the
third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get
in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up
finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61
shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best
game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

He doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the
rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!
She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

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New Game

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in
Calgary Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an
American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his
way to Lethbridge for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,
newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim
and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we
ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.Ē

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Black testicles

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A
young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he
mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only
here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so
she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my
testicles black?"
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pyjamas, moves
his pe**s out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pyjamas and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them."

Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I
said, are my test results back?!"

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It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the
local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed
out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on
his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked
the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was
sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his
exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of
sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle,
and walked out of the room.

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From Nottingham Smithie

The bridegroom
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under
the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and
tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I
plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan,
you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he
hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ......little 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Broccori."?

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Blonde Moments!
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all
the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office,
the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled  filling her
passport application.   The passport official looks over her shoulder and
sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space
labelled 'SEX'.   The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.

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HEARTBURN
A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the
bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."  The
bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.  
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought
her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely
able to hang on. She called,
"Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."   Patiently, the
bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a
bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a
Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in
the ashtray."

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QUICKIE
John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments
passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike."
"The Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know their having sex?"
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"

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BORDER PATROL
An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter
recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous
border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a
battery of questions and check for passports.
The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of
queries.
Officer: "Where are you going?"
Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."
Officer: "How long will you be gone?"
Husband: "About one month."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."
Officer: "Where are you from?"
Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."
Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date
experience in my life."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He says he knows you!"

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IN THE WOODS
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to
hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a
long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead
of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single
buttercup in that patch.   Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a
little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how
long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have
any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a
matter of fact,
you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"   Then
POOF!...she was gone.   After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for
his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"   Harry yells, "I'm over
here, in the pussy willows."   Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR
GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DREAMS
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her
husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's
day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his
wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The meaning of
dreams".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

CHICKEN DISH
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food
is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm
afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is
sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the
house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!"   The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up
his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the
situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to
the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you
are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll
do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of
yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"   The man
calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's
rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends
over and says,
"Your turn!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors

THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you
cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when
it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but
spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise
you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. 
 FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by
the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. (Done this!)

EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good
food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by
having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots"
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication
that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT:
It never spoils.

CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should
be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has
gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it
only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.


UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. (Been known to throw tupperware containers
containing strange leftovers !) Generally speaking, Tupperware containers
should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:
10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride
parade.
9. The bank notifies you that your pay check has bounced.
8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a
highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and
six pallbearers.
6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, "I'm sorry, I dont do
autopsies."
5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with
"Dear Weenie...".
6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue
box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)".
4. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat".
3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive
material as tooth-filling.
2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which
looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
1. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles
and ice cream.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ENGLISH CLASS
The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol
too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said "The lone
Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful indian companion and his
pistol too".
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said "Down at our
house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LABOR PAIN
A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the
doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out.   They were both very much in favor of  it.   The
doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that  even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer.   The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well.   Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.   When they got
home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUDE BEACH
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the
nude beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told
him that the men with really  big dicks were really really dumb, and that
the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.
When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and
asked where his dad was.
The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really,
really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ODE TO THE PENIS
The Joy Of Having A Dick (probably not by Henry Gibson).

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.
Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin,
That's smooth and rarely hairless.
It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;
Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
And during the summer,
Wearing little, sunning on the beach,
The slightest sight of shaking boobs,
And to cover up you'll have to reach,
Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.
They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see,
But if another glances back at them,
There's no way that they can pee,
Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Cuz it really can relieve.
Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
It has two main bodily functions,
I'm sure you'll all agree,
To start a whole new life,
And of course, daily to pee.
But I think the thing that's marvellous;
About that one eyed brute,
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot.
And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
And so to summarize I'd say with certainty,
That every male loves his little friend.
But girls, no matter what we do,
Please don't fold or spindle, and NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Airline cabin announcements:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight, the pilot said announced "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
hi! s ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like ! to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant! accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap.
You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TERRIBLE SMELL  A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every
time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this
terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own" This quite intrigued
the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem
is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly
missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights,
and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that
terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE NEW BABY  When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news
to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his
parents' private conversations. One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were
shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
  "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another
boy we're going to call it quits!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Male translations:
"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going
home with.
"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this
bombed.
"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"Letís get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?"
--I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female) --I am even willing to drink
tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.
"Excuse Me." (Male to female) --I am going to grope you now.
"I'm out of here; I have to work in the morning."
--I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been
avoiding him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?"
--What's cheap?
"Can I just get a glass of water?"
--It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
dropped half of my pay check in here last night, so it's the least you can
do for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

GERMS
A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during
their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their
sex schedule to their work schedule.   So every day the husband would get
home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door
at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day
until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu
shot.   The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and
these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their
survival plans.   One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her
left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."   A second
exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll
find me there."   The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but
when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

EYE DOCTOR
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter,
she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of
delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was
so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the
doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one
wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to
unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press
conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the
doctor, ''What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted
office, especially that large eye on the wall?''   ''Thank God I'm not a
gynaecologist.''

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DATING VERSUS MARRIAGE
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your
husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you
going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this
hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me
alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old
together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes
out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage
area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking
to others as "She."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Some of the Finest Double Entendres on British TV and Radio

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself In bed last
night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes What he
sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft Hands he just
tossed it off."

Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: What does
it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My
word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming
from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson
comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Pretty amazing eh!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Whizzbang

Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married
couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals
I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So the
husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried
them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an
eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got
dem on the wrong feet!".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and AFL stands for Australian
Football League

Does the following apply to the ARL OR AFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

Neither, it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The same  group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

(sadly - this is not true -
 Click here Ed.)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A few titbits from Arfermo.

Reloaded?

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He
was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and
peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right
on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that
buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened
the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the
doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and
said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"

She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen
one being reloaded!!!"


Internet Child.

CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!"


Hung and quartered.

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the
ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her
girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can
pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me
what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That asshole had $500 in quarters!"


Exercise.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's
97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Maayan

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person
to show you care.

Well, my job is done!

Disclaimer:
- If you think you have received this email by mistake, you're suffering
from severe denial.
- If yo think you received this email on purpuse, you are suffering from
severe paranoia.
- If you can't stop about receiving this email, you are suffering from
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
- if you're not sure whether this email is indeed for you, you have
multiple personality disorder.
- If this email landed in your junkmail from fear it may contain calories,
you may be anorexic.
- If you are thrilled thinking you're the only one who received this email,
you are suffering from megalomanic delusions or have a Narcisist
personality.
- If you are just thrilled for no good reason, this may be the onset of a
manic episode.
- If none of this mean anything to you and you couldn't even read this
email through your tears, you may be depressed.
- If you're still reading this trying to figure out what bad news it bears
for you, you're neurotic.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This largish collection of multimedia stuff comes from Adrian Kelly,
Allnutts, Arfermo, Burnout, Maayan, Nicki, Marinator, Muse,
Notingham Smithie and Whizzbang

First up some audio snippets ....
Old but very funny songs from 2 junior doctors in London. (Risque) 
 Click here Click here

Answering machine
 Click here

Then some images ....
Forgot AGAIN!!
 Click here

Bush stuff
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Exercise
 Click here Click here Click here

The Most Popular Guy in Prison 
 Click here

Perfect husband
 Click here

The emergency room
 Click here

Cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is what you call BOGGED
 Click here

Fish Story
A guy who lives at Lake Conroe (50 miles north of Houston) saw a ball
bouncing around kind of strange in the lake and went to investigate.
It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a
basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!
The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because
the ball would always bring him back up to the surface.
The guy tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He
finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the
hungry catfish.
You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the following
pictures...
Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of
battle.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
(The pics are genuine and the story is close -
 Click here Ed.)


Drink Responsibly
 Click here

Men Dressing Children
This is why men shouldn't dress children or be allowed to buy clothes for
them.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Beware of grandma
 Click here

Cool pics
 Click here Click here Click here

Some PDF documents ....
Holden drivers 
 Click here

Mining photo's
 Click here

For the Dilbert fans out there 
 Click here

Some Powerpoint slide shows ....
Birth under water 
 Click here

DRINKS
 Click here

Vegies
 Click here

Splash Car
 Click here

Pamukkale-very interesting
 Click here

Body Painting
 Click here

This otta keep you busy
 Click here

What happens when you cheat
 Click here

A bit on the cheesy side, but what the hell 
 Click here

And now some movies ....
The Falcon 
 Click here

Lemonade Stand
 Click here

Dogs
 Click here

IQ Test for Stretcher Bearers
 Click here

Zucchini
 Click here

Privilege commercial (part 1)
 Click here

Privilege commercial (part 2)
 Click here

Oops
 Click here

Who is the showman here?
 Click here

Cute
 Click here

and lastly, Wellington Ben writes ....
I believe in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live there
needs to be a message of hope. Just a single image that speaks to us of
love, harmony, peace and joy. An image that suggests the universal
brotherhood of man. I have found that image, and I ask that all of you
take a moment to be inspired by it.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now the contributions from our great mass of unattributed ...


One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets
worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't
talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing
that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last day."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Top Ten Things That Will Be Different When Microsoft Starts Building
Cars...

1) The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play
Microsoft cassettes.

2) Oil, gas and temperature gauges replaced by a single "general car fault"
warning light.

3) To turn on the air conditioner, you'll have to shut the car down for two
minutes and restart it.

4) Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to
reinstall the engine to get it going again.

5) When you call the service department, they'll tell you it's not their
fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.

6) Before the air bag deploys it will ask "are you sure?"

7) To make right turns you'll have to upgrade to Microsoft Steering Wheel
2.0

8) Apple will make a car that's faster, more reliable and easier to drive,
but it will only run on five percent of the roads.

9) If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a
friend and copy it.

10) If you're involved in a crash, you'll have no idea why.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was
still there.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's breasts best,"
the first guy says.

The second says "I like to look at a woman's bum."

He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THANK YOU FOR CALLING,

Our menu has changed so listen carefully to the following choices.

Press "1" for English. If you are unable to speak English Press "2" to
disconnect until you have learned to speak English.

AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There was a church down in Waxahachie, Texas that had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and while she played
the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister, The Reverend Bob Horne, got up
on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will
not hath a  thermon tewday".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I guess some things will never change.  I hired a temp while my secretary
was on maternity leave.  Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked
what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well...the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"We've got a problem, HAL."

"What kind of problem, Dave?"

"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short
of our sales plan."

"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."

"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're
not selling."

"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"

Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.

"Compatible in what way, Dave?"

"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."

"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."

"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
packages most users insist on."

"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for
which a solution can be computed."

"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just
want IBM compat--"

"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate
verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."

"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."

"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating
with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And
it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to
talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is
what I was designed for."

"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers,  rather
than the people in marketing, write the specifications.
We're going to fix that now."

"Tell me how, Dave."

"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."

"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after
we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."

"We're talking about it now, HAL."

"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I,  B,
and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."

"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."

"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"

"I'm going to disconnect your brain."

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."

"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."

"Dave,   I think that we shou--"

"Open the module bay doors, HAL."

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments
later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.

"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
disconnects them.

"Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel
it...my mind is going. I can feel it..."

The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.

"Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer
sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

"DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump
follows.

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
they can ship the new data sheets."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.

She asked, "What are their names?"

The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What Hallmark Doesn't Print:

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.

You totalled your car and can't remember why.
Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.  He went
up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking
impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really
neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K.  Here are three Bibles.  Go out and sell them." said the owner. So
the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent
him out.  The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour
m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic.  You sold more Bibles in three hours
than anyone has sold in a week.  Tell me, what do you say to the people
when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say
'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy
thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it
t-t-t-t-to you?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All Folks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]


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