Friday humour - September 01, 2006


Greetings to all on the first day of Spring in this magnificent Great
Southern  Land we here call Oz - or "Australia" to those who may have us
confused with the magical land in the movie "The Wizard of Oz"
 Click here

We have asked for lurkers to reveal themselves and tell us a bit about
where they are from and what they do.

Here is a response from a brave soul, David Hole, (I made a joke - how good
am I??).

"Responding to your request for us lurkers to check in. There are a number
of us here at USU that regularly check out the Friday humour archives and
were all very saddened by Tony's passing. It is strange to think you know
someone whom you've never met or corresponded with just by reading their
weekly editorial. Most of us that read Fri. Humour have done sabbaticals
in NZ or Oz  and were exposed there. I was with Crop&Food in Lincoln NZ in
2004-2005 on sabbatical and speant a few days with scientists at CSIRO in
ACT. Our USU webcam page is at Click here

Keep up the good work.

David Hole                              david.hole@usu.edu Professor Plant
breeding/genetics       Click here Utah State University        

          435-752-5684 "

Great to hear from you David. Look forward to hearing more from you.


Another one from Duke of South Africa:
Hi, there!
On your request of details:
Alias: Duke Born & Raised: Johannesburg, South Africa Occupation: Systems
Engineer Hobbies: PS2, Tv & Movies, Koi Fish Other details: Recently
married, expecting our first.

from a Fan and now humble contributor,


Now to the humour.........


First up, these from Burnout -

				Three Losers
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic; one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in
your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again
indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their
return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the
loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.  His buddies
accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner
had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool stone
cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they
came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The
homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "You know if you bend over
to pick that up, we're both dead."


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				Shopping
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


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				Laws

Murphy missed a few LAWS;

Law of Mechanical Repair:  After your hands become coated with grease your
nose will begin to itch or you'll have to piss.
Law of the Workshop:  Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of Probability:  The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:  When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.
Law of the Alibi:  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every
time) Bath Theorem:  When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:  The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Carpets:  The chances of an open-faced peanut butter sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet.
Law of Location:  No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they
will stop making it.
&Coles Law: Thinly sliced Cabbage.


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				Catch the worm

Click on the site below and press start, and use the P key as many times as
you can after ready set go.....see how many points you get...
 Click here


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And now from the Castlehill Books Mob

					Mind game for dogs......

Mind Games To Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.
This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears
back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done
something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the
house for the damage they think you have caused.
(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let
the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans
try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans.
Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose
to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure
everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have
forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a
strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing
fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at
the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible
has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is
panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk
as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make
the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back
inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going
outside, this will drive them nuts!)


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and from Croydon Caz

				Penis Painter from Sydney?


 Click here


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				Two Women Arriving in Heaven

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on
how they died:
1st woman:  I froze to death.
2nd woman:  How horrible.
1st woman:  It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about
you?
2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman:  So what happened?
2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be
alive.


Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 10. "They
told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipp-Ex. You probably got here just
in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Heck! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle
that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."


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Strip Poker in London!

 Click here

Regards
Croydon Caz

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And one from a Smithy

				Paratrooper

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.' "Is that when
you jumped?" asked his father.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked his father "I'm getting to that. Everyone else
had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant
that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and
refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is
this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He Said to me,
'Are you gonna jump or not?'" "I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared.'  So the
Jump Master pulled down his  zipper and took out his you-know-what. I
swear, dad, it was about ten  inches long and big around as a baseball
bat! He said, 'Either you jump  out that door, or I'm sticking this little
baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked his father.
"Well, a little, at first."


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Now one from Trina and anonymous

				I RAISE MY GLASS TO GRANDMA

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train
station in Sydney There were protesters on the train platform handing out
pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture
of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about
the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France
during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All
three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our
country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your arse  and
open it."
God Bless Australia!!


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These came from Fosters John over at CUB


				The Hillbilly Divorce

A hillbilly farmer who wants a divorce pays a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of those day-vorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. I need to figure out if you
have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."
(PS. for those of you who didn't grow up on a farm 'Case' is a popular
brand of tractor) The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30AM."
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."


Some of you may have seen this or similar before.  It amused me. They say
that the traditional written Japanese is a very flowery and formal
language and you can see how someone has translated it literally into
English.

Riding tips from the 1962 Honda Cub Instruction Manual (As translated from
the Japanese - by the Japanese)

1. At the rise of the hand by Policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him by
or otherwise disrespect him.

2. When a passenger of the foot, hooves in sight, tootle the horn trumpet
melodiously at first. If he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with
vigour and express by word of mouth, warning Hi, Hi.

3. Beware of the wandering horse that he shall not take fright as you pass
him. Do not explode the exhaust box at him. Go soothingly by.

4. Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport in roadway. Avoid
entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

5. Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. Press
the brake foot as you roll around the corners, and save the collapse and
tie up.


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An elderly couple made a visit to their doctor's office for the old man's
annual check-up.
While examining the old man, the doctor asked him if he had any problems
that the doctor should know about.
The old man said, "No, Doctor, I'm feeling pretty well. The Lord has been
taking very good care of me. In fact, the Lord takes such good care of me
that when I get up at night to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light
for me, and when I'm through, he turns it off again. So, I go back to bed
and sleep well, knowing that the Lord is looking after me."
The doctor completed his examination and asked the old man to wait out in
the lobby while he talked to his wife. The doctor told the woman that her
husband was in good health considering his age.
"But," he said, "I'm concerned about one thing. He spoke of something about
the Lord taking care of him and turning on the bathroom light for him. What
did he mean by that?"
The old woman frowned and shook her head slowly.
"That son of a bitch," she said. "He's been pissing in the refrigerator
again!"


A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they
crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting, I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing
left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our
days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from
God!
The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
hands thebottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs
from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."


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Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is
narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before
the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler
nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian
circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden
the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in
the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd,
and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the
crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the
American can weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning
the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one
has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls
right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my las
tounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could."
"Thats amazing !", said the trainer.
" Yeh, you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"


Tony Blair asked Clinton what he thought about the Northern Ireland
position.
Clinton replied "I haven't tried that one!"

A Clinton aide asked the President "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr President!
What shall I do about it" "Pay it"

Why does Clinton have a clean conscience?
He's never used it.

What does Clinton tell Hillary after sex?
Nothing! It will be on the evening news anyway!

Why did Clinton bomb the terrorists?
After Monica he knew he was good at bringing people to their knees!

Why does Clinton wear woolly underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

Why don't women mind working alone in the Oval Office with Clinton?
It's the only place he can't corner them!

A group of surgeons were discussing who is easiest to operate on. One
reckoned engineers because their insides are color coded, another said
librarians because their insides were in alphabetical order. The third
said "Bill Clinton! He has no guts, no spine, no heart and his brains and
his manhood are interchangeable.

Asked if Monica was lying, Clinton said "No, she was on her knees."

What is the first thing Clinton does in the morning?
Return to the White House before Hillary wakes up.

How many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They are all too busy screwing the President.

What is Clinton's definition of safe sex?
Anytime Hillary is out of town.

Al Gore and the President were discussing pre-marital sex. Gore said "I
never slept with my wife before we were married, did you?"
Clinton replied " I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"

Ken Starr told Clinton "I want you to tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth."
Bill said" It can't be done. They're three different things."

Clinton is a composite of three previous presidents. He has the hormones of
JFK, the scruples of Nixon and the memory of Reagan.

Reagan, Bush and Clinton were on the Titanic as it was sinking. Reagan said
"Save the women." Bush said "Screw the women!" and Clinton asked "Do we
have time?"

What is the difference between George Washington, Nixon and Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and Clinton
can't tell the difference.


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Some variations of this from Man of Kent and Moonboot

				Blondes
A plane is on its way to Cape Town when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class  and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, she
then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to Cape Town and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will
have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cape Town and
I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Cape Town"


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And some great ones from our Man of Kent

				Life Cycle
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and thus get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old folks home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, you then get
ready for University, then Secondary School.
You go to Primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions, with central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters to
live in every day, and then .
you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my  case.


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Now for one from a new contributor (I can't recall seeing her before),
Susan

				Which would you choose? Cake or bed?????

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for
weeks now" He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light, now? does it
look like i have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't
think so!"
The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close
right."
to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? does it look like i have
hotpoint written on my forehead? i don't think so."
"Fine", she says, "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front
door?" they're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps", he says.
"Does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead? I don't
think so.
"I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! " So he goes to the bar
and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he
treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. as he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. as he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey", he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"
Sshe said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all
the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a
cake."
He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Sshe replied, "Hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my
forehead? i don't think so!"*


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A few more from  Moonboot

				Temper! Temper!

Nail in the fence

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
(Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.  His Father gave him a
bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must
hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven
37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control
his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He
discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into
the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull
out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days
passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the
nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the
fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the
fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and
draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound
is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you
to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always
want to open their hearts to us."
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send
this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back
to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll
know you have a circle of friends.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONOURED!

Now send this to every friend you have!! And to your family.
Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.


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				Crazy Ethel:

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the Nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long
corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the Other
residents tolerated her, and some of the male residents actually Joined in
her games.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened And Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop", he Shouted in a
firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished in her
handbag, and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he
said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted "stop, have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug deep in her handbag and produced a drink coaster and held it up
to him. Harold nodded and said "carry on, ma'am".
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection
in his hand. "Good grief", said Ethel, "not the breathalyser again".


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Now time for one from Muse

				Coolness test

This test is based on how cool you were in High School--what crowd you ran
with, etc., but it's still pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:
 Click here


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And from Notingham Smithie

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one
month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every
week for the last month."   The priest tells the sinner, "You are
forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."   Soon after, another man
enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last
confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two
months."   This time the priest questions, "Who is Fanny Green?" "A new
woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.   "Very well," sighs the
priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."   At Mass the next morning, as the
priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead
gorgeous brunette woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the
church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right
in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in
the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread
apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Fanny
Green?"   The big eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No,
I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"


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				Ever been pissed off?
WORST FIRST DATE  This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September
7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the
prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy
had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun
but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let
her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion
stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a
real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.   Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues
frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she
had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight
and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what
was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt
off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to
cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into
his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they
finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.   Thinking about what had gotten
her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that
there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way,
her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the
remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently,
despite their "intimate encounter", the two did not see one another again.


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Whizzbang sent the following in

				Was it a mistake?

Kinda makes you wonder  Sure sounds about right.
Was this a mistake on google's part?
1- Go to www.Google.com 2- Type in Failure 3- Look at it the first listing
and laugh at what comes up first 4- Tell other people before the people at
Google Fix it


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To the pics
And they're from Burnout, Darwin Jon, Whizzbang, Vinae, Allnuts, Matthew,
the Duke, Moonboot, Biggus, Susan and some others that wish o remain
anonymous Thank you to all who have sent them in!


Why kids need a Mobile  phone
 Click here

Very fresh greens
 Click here

Grand Canyon Skywalk
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Italian sport presenter
 Click here

Aussie men's toilet paper
 Click here

Signs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

when to stop drinking......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Government Employee
 Click here

Beer anyone?
 Click here Click here Click here

Latest security measures at UK airports
 Click here

Married_Men's_Magazine?
 Click here

Morale
 Click here

Politically incorrect
 Click here

I came across this photo the other day and thought I'd like to share it
with other Friday Humour fans www.unicornglass.com - Don't You Know It's
Magic www.giveanaussieago.com.au/sites/unicorn2.html  Unicorn Diamond
Tools-Work Like Magic

Handyman - beer ad
 Click here

Scroll down
 Click here

Thanks A.R.S.E.W.I.P.E
 Click here

enjoy!
 Click here

Error Messages That I Understand!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Ultimate SHARON STONE Collection
 Click here Click here

Seismicsurveys.wmv
 Click here

Doctors Visit
 Click here

Buggin U :O)
 Click here

Russian tunnel
 Click here

Tsunami
 Click here

Queen Elizabeth Vs Dolly Parton

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and  says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created, and  I'm sure it will please God to be able to
see them every day, for  eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same  question. The Queen
takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the  lever. The Angel says, "OK,
your Majesty, you may go  in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode
and she gets in! Would you explain that to  me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,  "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
pair - no matter how big they  are.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


To The Women of the world
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Song for your MRS
 Click here

The Mind of Mencia
 Click here

Changing times
 Click here

Water or Coke
 Click here

Incredible 11-Year-Old Yodeller
 Click here

Friday vs Monday
 Click here

Quickie - for busy girls -
Make sure you don't have anyone looking over your shoulder ...
 Click here

Missed a spot ur bikini line?  OMG
A little bit rude!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Beach balls
 Click here
just when u think you have heard everything lol

Think
 Click here

Dust Art in Texas
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

When the dust gets thick on the back window of his Mini Cooper, Scott Wade 
uses it as a canvas to create temporary works of art.  Among his creations 
was a copy of C.M. Coolidge's 'A Friend in Need,' better known as dogs playing 
poker. Wade used his finger and other implements to etch this homage to Vincent
Van Gogh's 'Starry Night' and Leonardo da Vinci's 'Mona Lisa.' Wade lives
off the unpaved Roadrunner Road north of San Marcos, which dusts the back
windows of his car and gives him the canvases to create his own works of
art.
A portrait of Kinky Friedman on the back of the Mazda driven by Wade's
wife, Robin Wood, was featured on the gubernatorial candidate's Web site.
A collage of wildlife decorates the Mini Cooper's window.
Wade's creations attract admirers wherever he goes.
Who needs a frost-covered window when you've got road dust to create a
Christmas scene?
A gimme-capped John Kelso was the subject of one window portrait.
Besides his finger, Wade uses traditional art tools, such as paintbrushes,
and unconventional ones, like a chewed Popsicle stick, to make his
drawings.
Wade takes pride in his creations, but he knows that with one good shower,
his work will just wash away.


Another rude one....
FemmeidZale Click here

 Click here

Japanese Translations - but only for the hardy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Smiles
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cool
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here


Now, back to the written stuff...

Some contributions from Glynn, son of Deano


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks nto a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if
we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you too!!"

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				Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and
>says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
>every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."


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Several items from one of our favourite contributors, "anonymous" We have
been getting a lot from this person :o)

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the
woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he
asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for  abrasions or  dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her  breasts. "Do
you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate  breast
cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his  patient and
started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,   "Do you know what
I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the
first place."


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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most
heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back
off biker boy or you'll  answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
 Click here


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Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error and subsequent
errors would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we
missed the "R " !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot sobbed, "The word was CELEBRATE ."


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Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I
won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that
is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of
John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly
and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast
about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once
he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make
him come."


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Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe sipping tea and chatting
about their families.
The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through
pictures and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other Mum replies, "I remember him as a baby."
"He's a martyr now", says the older Mum.
"Oh, so sad, my dear," says the other Mum.
Mum flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kali He would be
21 now."
"Oh, I remember him, too. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mum sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
  "Oh gracious me" says the second mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18 now," Mum
whispers.
"Yes", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he started
school."
"He's a martyr also," Mum says, with tears in her eyes. After a long pause
and a  very deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the
photos and says "They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"


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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the
third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell
phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get
in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a
personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant; then he
remembered his wife . . . .

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?
- I hope you're proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that
round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her
life she will require 'round the clock care - And you'll be her care
giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started
to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago -
What'd you shoot?"


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				Understanding Engineers- Take  One.
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "where did you get such a great  bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking  along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful  woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off  all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The  first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice;  the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you  anyway."


				Understanding Engineers - Take  Two
To the optimist, the  glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half  empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs  to be.


				Understanding Engineers - Take  Three
A priest, a doctor, and  an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow  group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those  guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The  doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such  inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens  keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
He said, "Hello,  George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're  rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their  sight saving our 
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we  always let them play for free
anytime."
The group fell  silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think  I will say a special prayer for
them  tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact  my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he  can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at  night?"


				Understanding Engineers - Take  Four
What is the difference  between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and  civil engineers build targets.


				Understanding  Engineers - Take Five
The  graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The  graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it  work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much  will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you  want fries with that?"


				Understanding  Engineers - Take Six
Three  engineering students were gathered together discussing  the possible
designers of the human body.
One said,  "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical  connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have  been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste  pipeline through a recreational area?"

				Understanding  Engineers - Take Seven
Normal  people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix  it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have  enough features
yet.


				Understanding  Engineers - Take Eight
An  engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful  princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his  pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and  turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you  for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket,  smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog  then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into  a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING  you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at  it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally,  the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm  a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one  week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss  me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have  time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's  cool."


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		Today's Cape Times is quite amusing again...
BERLIN; A homeless woman refuses to stop bathing naked in Munich's
fountains, although she has been fined 21 times for nudity and other
offences. Bild newspaper said the woman, 44, who weighs about 150kg, could
be seen bathing every day.


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				A Horse, A Chicken & the Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began  to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken
to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys
in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still
had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, see the chicken arrive
on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of  the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell  into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) "When You're
Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"


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This was actually on the front page of the Cape Times (Cape Town, South
Africa) today:
Set your goldfish some brain-teasers to keep them happy and mentally alert
August 28, 2006  Edition 2

Sydney: People who claim that goldfish can't remember things that happened
more than three seconds ago are talking nonsense, an Australian biologist
has said.
Fish with which academic Culum Brown experimented could find their way out
of a trap he set them - and remember how they did it for at least a year
afterwards.
Brown, of Macquarie University, told the Sun Herald that his fish could
negotiate an underwater maze by spotting the difference between signs with
green triangles and those with red squares.
The smartest in the school read the signs and reached the stash of fish
food quickly, but even the slowest got the hang of it eventually and found
their way to the feeding station. Brown reckons people who keep tropical
fish as pets ought to take cognisance of his research and begin setting
brain-teasers to keep their fishy friends alert and happy.

Now, the first thing that comes to mind is - What exactly was this guy
thinking, or trying to achieve, by this futile research?? And, more
importantly, I can't help thinking - while our children get high doses of
brain damage through their playstation or just veg out in front of the
garbage on TV, we are busy making sure our goldfish pets are getting all
the brain-teasers they need. Hmm... Interesting.


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Three good friends, an Engineer, a Physicist, and a Statistician, are on a
deer hunt when they come across their first deer.
The Engineer takes the first shot,and misses by 3m to the right.
The Physicist thinks to himself that the engineer forgot to take into
account the wind factor, and aims accordingly, but misses the deer by 3m
to the left.
At this point, the statistician yells out:  "Yeah!!  We got him!!".


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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES ... ... $50.00."
A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have
to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a
little different, it pertains to religion."
So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving
around town with a new sign which read ... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER  ...
... $50.00!"


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On a cross country train trip, a middle aged man decided to sit next to a
beautiful young nun.
She sat reading her bible, and as time went by, the man got bored. He was
hoping to start a conversation with the nun,but didn't know how or where
to start. Then he put his hand on the nun's lap and she blushed.
With just a little bit of anger she said, "Dear sir, do you believe in
God?"
He said that he did.
"Have you read the Bible? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap.
Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157."
So the man sat quietly to himself for the remainder of the trip.
The next day, while in his hotel room. With him was a bible  and he turned
to page 157. Line 23 read: ....."Heaven is a little bit higher."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The high school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old
Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of
his car.
"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it,
you'll know you've been doing something wrong."
"Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more
comfortable in the back seat."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came
home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it.
"What do you think mum?" she asked.
Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you would have
been 5 years older."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks to
the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board!
She turns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does and one
know what that is?"
The class sits silently for a second or two than little Johnny stands from
the back!
He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got
two!" "The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushs the babysitters
teeth with!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech
problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that
hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.
Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring,
ring) "Operator".
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than
that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down) The next morning,
there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the
phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had
used a profanity with their operator.
"Yesh, I yam", he said.
The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated
that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and
apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."
Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank,
crank, ring, ring) "Operator".
"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"
Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!"
"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in!!!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the  next
couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean
bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,  you just
rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it  on your leg
(or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo  of string
instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined  so
maybe I can figure out how this works.  You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each  other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
wax (I'm guessing).
I go one better:
I pull out the hair dryer! and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.  Cold
wax, my ass.
(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my
thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.OK, so it wasn't the best feeling
in the world, but it wasn't bad. I  can do this! Hair removal no longer
eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter  of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact,  becoming one
with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The
Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the  right side on my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the
inside of the right ass cheek. Yeah, it was a long strip.)I inhale deeply.
I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to
pull off half an inch of the strip.
Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I
hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to  see my
trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I  want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no
hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on
the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the
toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I
feel. I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"
And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar
Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body  that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake -
up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon.
Your head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I
should do next.
Hot water!
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in -
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.
In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So
now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.
It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and pussy are stuck
to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.  She
wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we  talking cheek
or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide  the giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night.
She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good
cover story for where the wax actually is.
"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody
called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then
record the conversation for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the
truth.
"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than
covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN
dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to  other
subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion
provided with wax to remove the excess.
I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!"
I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair
is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that
point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never  know when a moustache might start to come in.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Two Maori lads are riding along the motorway on a motorbike.
They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Maori lads ask him
for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Maori lads he has to
leave. "Hey Bro" they say "gissa fuck'n lift".  The trucker once again
explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The
Maori lads put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back
will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time
he is really late and so puts his foot down.  Sure enough the coppers pull
him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
Maori eggs.  The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take
a look.  He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets
onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many Officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the
bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".



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[ End friday humour ]


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