Friday humour - August 25, 2006



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


In the last 14 months since the Government has had control of the Senate it
seems to be slowly imploding.  We've had the Deputy Liberal Leader call the
Man of Steel a liar (as if we didn't already know), the disgusting refugee
legislation dropped as he couldn't get his own numbers to pass it (nice to
know a few of them have morals), and the stem cell debate that he wasn't
going to have has become a conscience vote.  He's even apologised (we
thought he didn't know how) to the Vietnam vets.  Mind you, he's only
apologised for the shabby treatment they received from all and sundry upon
their return ... he's never apologised for his mentor Pig Iron Bob sending
them on such a pathetic mission in the first place.

And now we get to the sale of Telstra.  What a mess.  Those who bought T2
shares for about $7.40 find that they're now worth only $3.51 and falling.
 And there are plenty of signs that once Telstra is fully privatised it
won't have any concerns about doing the right thing by taxpayers.

Here's an idea.  While the government still owns 51% it should buy it back.
 All taxpayers would make a profit!  Then it could break off and retain the
infrastructure bits that need to be regulated.  They would perform better
as a natural government monopoly.  And if it wanted to it could flog off
the distribution bits and save just a little face.

Look at the success of Singtel Optus.  Every taxpayer in Singapore shares
the dividends.  There's no logical reason why the government shouldn't own
a telco.  And we could all share in the rewards.


We seem to have some new contributors in recent weeks/months.  Welcome to
Afermo, the Duke of Barsinov, the Man from Kent, Slats, Cooky, and the
Duke.  If you feel comfortable with it please write to
management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au and tell us something about yourself, including
where you live.  A local webcam would be nice too.  The last time I asked
for this someone thought I meant one in your bedroom or bathroom.  I
didn't mean quite as local as that.  Just the nearest major city or town
will do.  Naturally we'll keep your identity and address confidential.


And now, to the jokes ...


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First up these from Afermo

                         THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

                           1. COWS
                           2. THE CONSTITUTION                           
                           3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost  three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves to
their  stalls? But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot  of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse ..
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"  "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians - it creates a hostile work environment.


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                                        New-Speak

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who  was  responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than  working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the  walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of  them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic  device to get  it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from  the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This  is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia"
needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested  document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've  hit 'reply all')

WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM,
then enjoying the sounds of dismay and  disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.


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                                       Smart kids!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to  swallow a human because even
though it was  a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not  swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher
asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The  little girl replied, "Then you
ask him."
                                  - - - - - - - - - -
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk  around to see each child's
work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing  was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her  drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
                                  - - - - - - - - - -
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the  commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our  brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
                                  - - - - - - - - - -
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes a
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that  her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She
looked at her mother  and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns  white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are  white?"
                                  - - - - - - - - - -
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group  picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a  lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead. "
                                   - - - - - - - - - -
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,  class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
                                  - - - - - - - - - -
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a  large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving  further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples."


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                                     Wedding Night

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said,

"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home
was to take off my trousers. I gave them to  your mother and told her to
try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me
that she  couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

I said to her, 'Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers
in this family and I always will.' Ever  since that day we have never had
a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing. He  took off his trousers and
handed them to Jill and told her to try them on.  When she did she said "I
can't wear these,  they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack"
she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers," said Jack.

So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your fucking attitude, you
never will!"


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Here's a quickie from Burnout

                                         Winter

 " FUCK  ,  Its  Cold !"


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This is from Matthew in Bld 125 who says in his sig file ...

                     - Be Alert.  Austalia needs lerts.


                 Incredible story about an elephant's memory

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he
was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing
with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man
approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of
the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen thinking
of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man
never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later
the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked
over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant
stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The
man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the
man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing
him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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Here's a time out from young Andrew in IT

 How much of your favorite caffeinated drink would it take to kill you?

                       Take this quick test and find out:

          Click here


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This old classic arrived from Little Di

                                      Ripping story

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know And
I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting Loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife and the Smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for
air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off

Because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it
was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned

That one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued
to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the
turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she

Had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts

And a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants

and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting Which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic Footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of

Torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his Bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked
him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years
you have warned me

And I didn't listen to you "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today
it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in."


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And from Digi Maria

                                   It's a Conspiracy!!

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away... Yesterday  I walked to the corner and I
was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. 
They speak in whispers all the time!  If  you ask them to speak up they
just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message
until  they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the
other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an
old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own  refection...  Well, REALLY
NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and
limb if you happen to pull onto the  freeway in front of them..  All I can
say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them
screech and  swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they
suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12  dress as 18 or 20?  Do they
think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist,
hips, thighs, and  bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse.  Do they think I actually "believe"  the number I see on that
dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in
here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone  will have to suffer these
awful indignities.

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has
caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.


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This came from the Duke of Barsinov who said "I love your weekly efforts
and appreciate the time and work involved.

Your church notices series this week left out one ...  "


'Parishioners are reminded that the collection bowl in the porch labelled
"For the sick", is for money contributions only'!!


And from the Duke's sig file ...

"All New Yahoo! Mail - Tired of Vi@gr@! come-ons? Let our SpamGuard protect
you."


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These came from Fosters John over at CUB

                              I got the horse right here

The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband
approached, she slapped him up side the head,  WHACK!

He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?"

She said, "I was cleaning out your pants to put them in  the laundry and
found a piece of paper with the name 'Foxy Roxy' on it."

He said, "Honey, you know that I went out  the other day with the boys to
the race track. I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy' and that we won a lot
of money on  it. She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner
and really treated him good since she had made this  mistake and not
trusted him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she
smacked him up side the head again.

He said, "Ouch! What was that for???"

She replied, "Your horse called today......."


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                                           Fishy

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and  afterwards, while they're just
layingthere, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up
the  receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her
side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a  cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called. Really? That's wonderful. I amso happy for you. That  sounds
terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh"  she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


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This came from the Man from Kent

                                        Consider this ...

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22  months, and a total of
2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate per month of 60 per 100,000
soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same
period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the
U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington


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And from Muse in Canada

                                   Death to Hoochie

When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and
even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box
filled with greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police
described  it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it
looked similar to cocaine and they probably thought they'd hit the big
time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars,
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude.
She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's  doorstep. The cardboard box was
there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.  And there was this
note. It said,  "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice  day."


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This came from Slats

                                         Old Harold

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and says, "Do you know what I
miss  most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."


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And these came from Maayan over in Capetown

                                           Q & A

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker
can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A.
The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.


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                                       Jesus was...

3 proofs that Jesus was Black:
- He called everyone "brother" - He liked Gospel - He didn't get a fair
trial

3 proofs Jesus was Jewish:
- He went into his father's business 
- He lived with his parents until he was 33 
- He thought his mother was a virgin and she thought her son was God

3 proofs Jesus was Italian:
- He spoke with his hands 
- He drank wine with every meal 
- He used olive oil

3 proofs Jesus was Irish:
- He never got married 
- He told stories all day long 
- He liked green pastures

3 proofs Jesus was a Hippie:
-  He never cut his hair 
- He always walked barefoot 
- He invented a new religion

And best of all...
3 proofs Jesus was a Woman:
- He fed a big crowd of people within minuted without having anything in
  the fridge 
- He tried to convey messages to a group of men who didn't understand 
  them 
- Even after he died, he had to get up because there was still a lot of 
  errands he had to do


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To the pics now ... And they're from Burnout, Arfermo, Croydon Caz, the
Castle Hill Bookends, Brett Dude, Allnutts, Treetop Eric, Maayan, Cooky,
the Duke, Cartographer Chris, Muse, the Man of Kent, Roly, Trina, and
Biggus.  Thank you all!


From Arfermo

Funny stuff
 Click here Click here Click here


From the Castle Hill Books mob

Worst album covers
 Click here


From Croydon Caz in the UK

Pointless Family Photo
 Click here

If women controlled the world
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Cartographer Chris

Irish School Demolished

 Click here


From Allnutts

Merry-go-round of death

 Click here

11 year old idol
 Click here

Time to give up rally driving
 Click here


From Brett Dude

JB of MMM-FM
 Click here


From the Duke

Duke's assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From the Man of Kent

Air security
 Click here


From Muse

Free Brollies
 Click here

Things you will see only in ...
 Click here

Hot legs
 Click here

The Biggest Woodpecker
 Click here

Be yourself but carry insurance
 Click here

Wedding guests
 Click here

Holly Valence movie clip
 Click here

How did they do that?
 Click here


From Roly

I bought it on ebay
 Click here


From Rudolf of the West
"Appreciate your efforts and of all those involved in keeping the site
going. Thanks all! Rudolf."

Extreme measures
 Click here


From Wollongong Cooky

Cooky's assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Biggus (aka Fifi)

Fifi's assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here


From Trina

A picture tells a thousand words
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Maayan

Your Husband decides to go out with his friends drinking.... You're okay
with it, because you get to snuggle up with a bottle of wine and watch
girlie movies all night... You hear him stumble into bed around 4 and
laugh knowing he's going to have a monster hangover.... You wake up next
morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which he used last night....
You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.... You circle the car
looking for dents and find none....
But ..
Wait a minute....
 Click here


From Burnout

Calvin
 Click here

Motor Show
 Click here

Perfect Day (now in PDF)
 Click here

This video is from a US TV show where people said, "Hey" 
 Click here

Life
 Click here

How to hypnotise a man
 Click here


From Eric in his tree
Carlton ad It's soooooo beeeeg.......
But 'tis only a short video clip... Turn your speakers on and
sing-a-long...
 Click here


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Back to ascii and three quickies from Steve@Jokes


I requested identification from a blonde department-store customer who had
just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was
the only thing that bore both her name and  address. It was a notice of
insufficient funds from her bank.

                            - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she  says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler
who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the  rottweiler ate him!"

                            - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball
player. They start to talk, and  eventually, go back to his place. They
start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a
tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and
Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says
NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says
AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no! Calm down,"! the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a
minute..."


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More from Arfermo

                                 Toilet conversation

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters,  orders a beer and sits on a stool at
the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Dave and he makes for the  toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
the  better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
        what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
        pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
        then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
        large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
        assume that you haven't built it just for  yourself and that you 
        are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
        your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
        often?
Dave: - Me? Never Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at
        work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
        your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope 
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

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                                        Urine Test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better  see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the Chemists at  the corner. Just give it
a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds... a hell of a lot
quicker than waiting for a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
chemists. He inserts ten pounds in coins, and the  computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be  fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into  the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to the chemists, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten pounds,  pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into a clinic.
4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good
   lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with  yourself, your elbow will never get
   better!


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                                     Rude Parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her
a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal
at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane  parrot". So saying, she buys
the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the
woman. "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new  madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to
laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and  have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the
same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"


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A couple from Allnutts

                                    A Bear in Billings

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs ."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate


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                                    The Pastors Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local
paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper
read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ... being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life. So be
yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


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Here's a Bluehaze News Update from the Eyewitness Newsroom courtesy of
Arfermo

                                       USA forever.

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle
to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political
stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.


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More from Burnout

                                     Irish wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and
groom's families have a storming row and  begin wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get
called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight
continues in the courtroom until the  judge finally brings calm with the
use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding
that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says,
'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept
going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music
kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the
groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an
unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'


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                            HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near We've worked all bloody week for this Dear God
let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork Our hands are stained with ink In desperate
stage, we'll fly the cage Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains Advance to Friday drinks.


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A quickie from Digi Maria

                                          Lotto

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling
to her husband " Pack your bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto!
$10 million of it... Woooohoooo!"

"That's great, honey!", he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or mountains?"

"Who cares!," she replies, "Just fuck off!!"


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Finaly from Stephen@Jokes

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on the  course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she  knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round
and went to the clubhouse where he saw the  same lady sitting at the end
of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said
that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the  sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
haemorrhoid cream, so I'm still a hole behind  you."


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Quote of the Week:


  "You know, I hear people say, well, civil war this, civil war that.
   The Iraqi people decided against civil war when they went to
   the ballot box."

                                         George W Bush, 7 August 2006


  "I hear a lot of talk about civil war.  I'm concerned about that
    of course."

                                         George W Bush, 21 August 2006


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[ End friday humour ]


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