Friday humour - August 18, 2006


[From Steve at Bluehaze]

So here I am helping out our editors. My preferred place is amongst the 
technical widgetry behind the scenes, but since Deano did such a good 
first attempt last week, I am basically shamed into having a go myself.

I was going to have a bit of a try at a political comment, but I can't 
see the point really. I guess I am past being amazed by the childishness 
of it all. Unfortunately, it impacts all of us whether we care or not.

Having said that there is one amazing statement by our embattled 
fearless leader this past week that cannot be ignored. Paraphrasing ...

"We cannot reduce the excise on petrol because it would put the tax cuts 
at risk".

Is it just me?

By the way, so that we get a bit of time to do our thing, the package 
for the editors that becomes Friday Humour each week is prepared on the 
Wednesday, so if you send something in later than that and you donít 
see it, donít think we have missed it, it will be in the package for 
the next week.

So now its on to the funnies. As usual, be wary of smut and lewdness.

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First up a magnificent bunch from the prolific Fosters John

A guy goes into a pub one day and says to the barman "Give me six 
double vodkas".

The barman says "Wow! you must have had a shocker of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy went into the pub and asked for the same 
drinks. When the barman asked what the problem was today the answer 
came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy went into the bar and ordered another six 
double vodkas.

The barman said "Bloody hell!" Doesn't anybody in your family like 
women?"

The guy answered "Yeah - my wife!"

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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together 
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into 
Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the 
ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate. 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't 
*really* need all the odours that this guy would bring with him, 
decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died 
on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," 
he answered. 

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer." Name them."

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on 
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He 
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his 
other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from 
the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do 
you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled 
and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the 
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

"OK where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I 
should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the 
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across 
the table. 

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits 
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won 
me all this money and I am forever grateful." 

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room.

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Top Ten Things That Will Be Different When Microsoft Starts Building 
Cars...

1) The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play 
Microsoft cassettes.

2) Oil, gas and temperature gauges replaced by a single "general car 
fault" warning light.

3) To turn on the air conditioner, you'll have to shut the car down for 
two minutes and restart it.

4) Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have 
to reinstall the engine to get it going again.

5) When you call the service department, they'll tell you it's not their 
fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.

6) Before the air bag deploys it will ask "are you sure?"

7) To make right turns you'll have to upgrade to Microsoft Steering Wheel 
2.0

8) Apple will make a car that's faster, more reliable and easier to drive, 
but it will only run on five percent of the roads.

9) If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a 
friend and copy it.

And the number one thing that'll be different when Microsoft starts 
building cars ...

10) If you're involved in a crash, you'll have no idea why.

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat 
down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter 
reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the 
table. The diner was impressed.

"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; 
he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By 
carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging 
from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert 
determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the 
men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I 
need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return
to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. 
Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your 
pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm 
and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return 
home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was 
how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the 
forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther 
and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears 
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in 
the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and 
quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills 
them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years 
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how 
could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

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From Arfermo

This was a true letter of resignation.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very 
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have 
an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your 
consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the 
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few 
true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to 
explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to 
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of 
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were 
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who 
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for 
the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as 
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand 
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even 
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an 
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You 
walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in 
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have 
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, 
you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for 
your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the 
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you 
are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full 
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however 
I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to 
give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I 
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the 
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be 
unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know 
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to 
get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I 
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do 
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the 
administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers 
b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of 
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the 
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd 
acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied 
and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of 
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to 
correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my 
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant 
obsessions will be open to the public. Never f-- k with your systems 
administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

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Genuine exam responses from UK 16 year olds.

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's 
(2005) GCSE exams in the UK, and are some of the answers given by 
British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams. These are genuine 
responses from 16 year olds.

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large 
pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends 
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and 
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the 
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the 
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, 
A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.

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Running Doe, a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first 
ever physical exam. 

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor 
said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems.  
I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South 
Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We are called ... The Indiannippeless Five Hundred"

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From Allnutts

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. 
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes 
to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives 
a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover 
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he 
writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit.  The long robe will 
cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing 
his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really rude 
letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the 
company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your 
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

-------------------------------------

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

HIM: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HIM: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HER: I must've been given your share.

HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.
HER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
HER: Okay, get out.

HIM: I think I could make you very happy.
HER: Why? Are you leaving?

HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HIM: Can I have your name?
HER: Why? Don't you already have one?

HIM: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Hiding from you.

HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HIM: Is this seat empty?
HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

HIM: So, what do you do for a living?
HER: I'm a female impersonator.

HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?
HER: Do not enter.

HIM: Your body is like a temple.
HER: Sorry, there are no services today.

HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

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From Digi Maria et al - a classic in a new wrapper ....

English to be the official language of Europe.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will 
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was 
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English 
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in 
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,

this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up 
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the 
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like 
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to 
reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always 
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is 
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with 
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" 
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu 
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze 
forst plas.

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From Burnout

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the 
top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to 
feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 
little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman 
standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete 
professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may 
we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there 
at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of
this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit 
yourself when I tell you the price."

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From the Castlehill Books Mob

A date with George?

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a Little PR. 
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and 
George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans 
don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that 
they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question 
time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his 
name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without t the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans 
don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

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From Wellington Ben a nice email disclaimer I like ...

"To the optimist, the glass is half full.  To the pessimist, the glass is 
half empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Dog 
next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you!  Those of you
with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that 
there is no hidden message revealed by reading this notice backwards.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg 
whites and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.  Whisk briefly and let it 
stand for 2 hours before icing.

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Our images and movies and other such files this week are from Wellington Ben, 
Duke, the Castlehill Books Mob, Croydon Caz, Allnutts, Burnout, Roly and 
Nathan, but first up from the Man of Kent

"Priceless"

You are at a wedding.
You are a total Diva.
The best dress, a perfect hairdo ...
You fall in love with an invited guest.
You get secret looks the entire night ...
On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, and he dances like a god ...
You are the couple of the evening.
The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women ...
The bride is about to throw the bouquet ...
You are first in line, in a strategic position ...
Once there, you wait for the right moment ...
You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him ...
If I catch the bouquet ... I Will Marry You!
And then, the moment you've been waiting for ...
The bride throws the bouquet ...
He doesn't stop looking at you ...
You jump like never before to catch the bouquet ...
Your arms stretched out.
Your hands open ...
And suddenly ......

 Click here

new dress...$280.
hairdo...$145.
catching the bouquet (because everyone else is staring at your boobs!)...
priceless.

Day at the Office - 2 versions
 Click here Click here

The Zidane incident ..
As seen by the Germans  :
 Click here

As seen by the French :
 Click here

As seen by the Italians :
 Click here

As seen by the Americans :
 Click here

As reported by the press :
 Click here

A flexible girl (and nice too)
 Click here

Amazing pictures (nobody would fake these surely)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here

Cats and their personal stereos ...
The House Cat
 Click here

The HipHop Cat
 Click here

The Metal Cats
 Click here

The Stevie Wonder Cat
 Click here

The Stoner Rock Cat
 Click here

The Techno Cat
 Click here

The iCat
 Click here

Senior moment I can relate to
 Click here

Having a bad day? Nah...not as bad as this....
 Click here

Why ya needa 4wd
 Click here

Thrillseekers take note - especially the last picture
 Click here

Beach Balls
 Click here

Essential Office Stationery
 Click here

Moral
 Click here

The man song
 Click here

Idiots
 Click here Click here

Eye Test
 Click here

Pig Hunting, Territory Style
 Click here

Public Notice - Re-Cycled Water
 Click here

Ventriloquist (truly amazing)
 Click here

Four parachutes (topical?)
 Click here 


The Art Of Toilets ...
 Click here 


Watch that gym work girls (best sneak up on this one)
 Click here 


And in the same context ...
Exercise scares me
 Click here

Those were the days
 Click here

Fantastic deal!
 Click here

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And now from the great mass of anonymous contributors ...

Everyone knows that the Dove symbolizes peace. Many people are also
aware that the Owl symbolizes wisdom and knowledge.  Were you aware that
the bird that symbolizes True Love is the Swallow?

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Church Bulletins

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the 
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone 
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious 
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery 
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help 
they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. 
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing 
"Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So 
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will 
follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come 
early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new 
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. 
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you 
want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and 
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be 
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the 
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are 
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend 
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back 
door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church 
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon 
told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob", where a small knob is 
placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin 
to produce the effect of a new face lift. Of course the woman wanted 
"The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and 
the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years she returned to the plastic surgeon with two problems 
"All these years, everything has been working just fine." "I've had to turn 
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed 
two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the 
knob won't get rid of them." 

The doctor looked closely at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your 
breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
A3: Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of faeces?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull 
flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the 
hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so 
funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. 
By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles 
away!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

'Joker' dozes off during robbery.

A drunken man who tried to rob a bank as a "joke" fell asleep while waiting 
on his money, a court has heard. At Glasgow Sheriff Court, Derek Burns, 47, 
admitted a breach of the peace at a branch of Lloyds TSB in Glasgow's south 
side on 4 November, last year.

He had threatened workers with a can of deodorant in a bag portrayed as a 
weapon but when cash was refused he fell asleep, prompting staff laughter.

Sentence was deferred until later this month for background reports.

The incident happened at the Lloyds TSB branch in Albert Road, Crosshill.

Burns entered wearing his fluorescent works jacket with the hood up and 
approached a teller.

Prosecutor Derek Buchanan said: "Burns produced a blue carrier bag and held 
it in such a way that something long and cylindrical could be seen.

"He tried to push the bag through the counter tray. He said 'give us your 
money, give us your money'."

Staff activated the panic alarm.

The bank manager spoke with Burns and told him he was not getting any money.

The court heard how Burns remained in the bank, sat down and fell asleep.

The accused, of Alness Crescent, Mosspark claimed it had all been a joke.

His lawyer said the incident latterly became so farcical that staff could be 
seen laughing on closed circuit television footage.

Joe Shields, defending, added: "It was a joke of the worst possible taste."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Waitress checks customer's ID, discovers self

Tuesday, August 1, 2006; Posted: 1:46 p.m. EDT (17:46 GMT)

WESTLAKE, Ohio (AP) -- A bar waitress checking to see if a customer was 
legally old enough to drink looked down to see a familiar photo. It was 
her own.

The 22-year-old waitress, whose name was not released, called police last 
week and said she had been handed her own stolen driver's license by a 
woman trying to prove she was 21.

The woman, who became suspicious of the delay as the waitress went to call 
police, fled the Moosehead Saloon, but her companion provided her name.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft 
and receiving stolen property. She was arrested at her home in suburban
Cleveland.

The waitress said she had lost her wallet July 9 at a bar in Lakewood.

"The odds of this waitress recovering her own license defy calculation," 
police Capt. Guy Turner said Monday.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Petishun
~~~~~~~~
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about 
us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our 
roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at 
Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. 
Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. 
We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes 
and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date 
anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

....ofishaly precented by rubin...ther loyer

---------------------------

How are women like snow flakes???

They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a 
blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated 
about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." 
She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the 
island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I 
guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." 
So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the 
brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, 
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better 
try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN 
miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too 
tired to go on!" So she swam back.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If you can ...

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

... then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. 
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are still in the 
driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a 
load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the 
mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is 
the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had 
about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over and it got a bit 
wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a 
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the 
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or 
five times."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2050
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil Merger

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals that Anal Probes Were 
"Just For Fun"

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past 
With US President

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. 
"This Is True Love," He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage 
Match

Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic "Year 2000 Florida Chad" Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ah-the-eah the-eah Thatís All Folks!

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