Friday humour - August 11, 2006

[From Deano at Bluehaze]

Gidday Humourites,

This edition of Friday Humour has been cobbled together by me, Deano, on
the invitation of Davo.  Following the passing of our beloved comrade Tony
Sanderson, who evolved this humour forum, it has been decided to keep it
going in his memory but the mechanics of it are too time-consuming for one
mere mortal to manage on their own so it will be shared by a team of
devotees who will reveal themselves over the next few weeks.   I thought
it would be a quiet half an hour or so but it actually takes a lot longer
than that with he editing and setting out involved, so if you reckon I
have done a crap job, have a go yourself!!

I am not going to start on a political rant - they are all a bunch of liars
- but will open on a more educated and intellectual note - my beloved
Aussie Rules team - Richmond Tigers

Various Richmond Football Clubs existed before 1885, but the present club
was founded on February 10, 1885 at the Royal Hotel.
The following week the committee decided the colors "should be all blue,
with a yellow and black sash; cap with yellow and black stripe running
from back to front".
From 1887, Richmond would wear a uniform of yellow and black stripes.
The Club's first game was played on April 25, 1885 at the Richmond Cricket
Ground (Punt Road Oval) against Cremorne. Despite playing 20 men to
Cremorne's 23, Richmond won this historic encounter 2.12 (24) to 1.4 (10).
Richmond's 19th century form was mediocre, so it was not surprising that
when, in late 1896, the dominant clubs broke away from the VFA to form the
VFL (AFL), they neglected to invite Richmond to join them. Within the
smaller VFA competition, Richmond became a power, winning the 1902 and
1905 premierships. When the VFL decided to expand the League for the 1908
season, Richmond applied and was duly admitted. Its first league game was
on May 2, 1908 against Melbourne at Punt Road. The Richmondites won,
kicking 8.14 (62) to 7.9 (51).

Ahh fuck it!!    I can't keep up this charade of decency.  Lets get into
the funnies and jokes!!


A contribution from Muse
The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever
and was in line to check out.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I
told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital. I said no... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and
a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door...


From Lenny
Need for speed

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to
an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police
Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being
Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you
can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to
why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off
with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

"To the optimist, the glass is half full.  To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to


From Wellington Ben
The deer hunters
Three good friends, an Engineer, a Physicist, and a Statistician, are on a
deer hunt when they come across their first deer.
The Engineer takes the first shot,and misses by 3m to the right. The
Physicist thinks to himself that the engineer forgot to take into
account the wind factor, and aims accordingly, but misses the deer by 3m to
the left. At this point, the statistician yells out:  "Yeah!!  We got


From Burnout
Why we Split Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
So I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back..........

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The Girl said,
"NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went
shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased...
did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled
more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had
all the hot water to herself, and never had pubic hairs under the toilet
seat lid. She watched chick flicks, never football,
never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self
esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.


At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, the Aussie Prime Minister,
and general ass kisser, turned to the Queen and said, "As I'm the Prime
Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to,
and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
John Howard thought a while and then said, "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."
Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, "Sorry again, Mr.
Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are
not an Emperor."
Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said, "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country."


A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on
the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell
me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"


Little Johnny comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. He
replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to  your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!",
says his mum.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to Johnny's
room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied Johnny.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think
like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?
Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you
out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and Johnny go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in
the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"  asks Dad.
Johnny replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."


From Burnout
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?
"No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be  asking 6th graders a question like that!   I'm
going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and
you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
a.. First, you have a dirty mind. 
b.. Second, you didn't read your homework.
c.. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY DISAPOINTED....



God went to the Arabs and said "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better."
The Arabs asked "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said "They are rules
for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example and the Lord said "Honour thy Father and
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are; we're not interested." Then He
went to the Mexicans and said "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally He went to the Jews and said "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said; "how much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it
you cannot qualify for this job." 
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him!


This from You Know Who

Man who run in front of car get tired.


Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.


Man with one chopstick go hungry.


Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.


Man! who eat many prunes get good run for money.


Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.


Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.


War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.


Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.


Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.


Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Man who fart in church sit in own pew.


Crowded elevator smell different to midget.



One from our own Pieman, David McCallum

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through teller
6. How did a fool and his money GET together? 
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
18. When you choke a smurf, what colour do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already
41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken
42. What's another word for synonym?
43. So what's the speed of dark?
44. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
45. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
46. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?
47. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?
48. Why is it that if you take off all your clothes and walk down the
street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone
the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"


More from Burnout
Scottish Lonely Hearts

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini,
seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must
have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in
pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall
Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks
decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few
scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more. Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include
cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.
References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse
end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with Big
chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs
in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at
Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm


A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt on Monday?"
"Oh no!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant: 'T i t s Go In Front'!"


There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son. They
used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese
slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was
very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However,
if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But
please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $500).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is
more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to
his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it
he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000


A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into
the wife's hot pussy lips and enters.

Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put her shirt and  pants
on, pull up his shorts, and carries her to the car.
Then they make a mad dash to the nearest doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to be
removed with a forceps.
The doctor then explains that the husband will have to try and entice it
out, by putting honey on his dick, and withdrawing as soon as he feels the
So the husband puts honey on his dick, but because of his wife's screaming,
general panic, and his frantic dash to the doctors he just can't get it up!
So the doctor says "I'll perform the procedure if your wife and you don't
Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do damage.
So the doctor quickly undresses, smears honey on his dick and instantly
gets an erection.
Slowly he begins to enter the wife, then withdrawal, and then again, and
again, and again. Only, he doesn't stop but continues to pound her hot
pussy endlessly.
In a daze, the husband shouts, "What the Hell is going on?"
The doctor replies, "Change of plans, I'm going to drown the little


Be careful what you ask for

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He
tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw
that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw &
raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen." 

Book Report

The class assignment was to read and report on two books,
"Titanic" and  "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following single book report, with
the proposition that the two were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing


Now for something different....

As I am new at this and it is taking me a long time, I have not looked at
all the pics etc.
WARNING: some may show rude bits or lewd suggestions.

Also, if I have offended you by not showing rude bits, sorry (see Johnny
Howard - it is not that difficult)

From Allnuts at Highett
 Click here Click here

Actual Dog food Ads in New Zealand - GOLD award winner
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

How to get a soccer partner, very cute
 Click here

Archery for Beginners
 Click here

Feeling Blue about the Carlton FC ..??
 Click here

Whats the point
 Click here

Things you don't see every day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

From Mad Mick from Marwick
I need a favour!
I need a small favour... if it's not too much trouble.
I am going away on vacation and I need a friend to come over to water my
plants while I am gone.  In the hot weather they'll probably need water
twice a day.
Thanks a lot. I'll send you a postcard.
I've attached a photo for your reference.
 Click here

Some from Burnout
Now_that's_a_Pig!? Click here

Bank Queue
 Click here

No Brain no Pain
 Click here

Learning About Recoil
 Click here Click here

 Click here

Boys and Their Toys
 Click here

Draw a Pig
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

Family Sticker.
 Click here

Dangers of Cybering
 Click here

How to eat popcorn
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

Frog leap
 Click here

Chinese Takeaway
 Click here

You named it what???
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 Click here

My kind of retirement home
 Click here

XXXX Rated Air Freshener
 Click here

 Click here

I can fly..
 Click here

Mind de door
 Click here

how drunk would you have to be to do this?
 Click here

 Click here

This is from - I'm not sure??
News Oddities : Click here

Simply nice photos, Landscape, Seascape, Underwater, The Northern Beaches

The Great Man will like this one from Muse...
Bill Gates retiring
 Click here

He's misbehaving?... Six ways to kill your lover
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Annual Leave Under New Industrial Relations Laws
 Click here

Where Have We Gone Wrong?]
 Click here

Wrap your laughing gear around these . . .
 Click here

Drink Planner
 Click here

Best_trained_dog_ever (repeat)
 Click here

Here is one from Grumpy John and a few others.
Painted ceiling of a smoking area
 Click here

From Man of Kent
How can you tell that a Tsunami's coming?
 Click here

I think it's funny that the same email about Mars goes out every year in
August, and we fell for it again!  
 Click here

From Croydon Caz
 Click here

someone tell him.....
 Click here

Badges to Fit Your Every Mood
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Driving fast?
 Click here

Mamma Tiger!
In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet
tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the
pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, died
shortly after birth.
The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to
decline in health, although physically she was fine.
The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress
to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the
tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.
After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news
was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to
introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try
something that had never been tried in a zoo environment.
Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different
species. The only "orphans" that could be found quickly, were
a litter of wiener pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in
tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

From Eric in his tree
Young love.- Look at the little girls face on the right.
 Click here

A contribution from Digi Maria
Worlds Greatest Growing City
 Click here

And from Ty
Things to do while waiting for your wife to finish her
 Click here

And from Davo
In the news ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Back to the text with the Man of Kent

14 thoughts for the day

1;Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

2;Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3;I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4;How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty for Miss America

5;A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,
a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

6;I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first

7;When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky

8;Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the

9;Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

10;Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?

11;Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells
live forever.

12;Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

13;"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier"

14;And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.


From Wellington Ben

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can
up to his ear and count   to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.   So the man went home,
lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"   at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Dunedin and Tasmania.

Email from God? What email??
One day God was looking down at Earth (as he does), and saw all of the
rascally behaviour that was going on.  So, he called one of his angels to
go to Earth for a time.  When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is
bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.".
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another
angel to get a second opinion.".
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it is true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.  So he decided to email the 5% who were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?  No?
Okay, just wondering.  I didn't get one either.


Sayings you won't find in a Hallmark card
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tasmania, Mirboo North and Omeo)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.


Come with me to a third grade classroom....
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there
is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks
his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has
happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find
out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll
never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart
is going to stop, he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God,
this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her
eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward
him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled
with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the
bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the
while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!" Now all of
a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of
sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put
on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and
knees cleaning up around his desk.
The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that
should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She
tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you
klutz!" Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus,
the  boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose,
didn't you? Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

Willy, a 1-year-old cat is photographed Thursday, July 20, 2006, with a
display of several pairs of garden gloves that he took from unknown yards
in his neighborhood in Pelham, N.Y. Willy has brought home nine pairs of
gloves and five singles over several weeks laying them on his owners'
front or back porches.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.
She asked, "What are their names?"
The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."


A priest and a rabbi were talking about confession one day when the priest
got an idea. "Why don't you sit in with me on confession today?"
"Are you sure that would be okay?" asked rabbi.
"Well, no one will know...what can it hurt?" replied priest.
So rabbi accepted and first woman in booth said, "forgive me father for I
have sinned."
"What did you do?" he asked.
"I cheated on my husband." she admitted.
"How many times?" priest asked.
"Three times, Father."
"Say five hail Mary's and put five dollars in offering box."
The next woman who came in had much same confession. "Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband three times."
Once again priest replied, "Say five hail Mary's and put five dollars in
offering box."
Now that rabbi had seen how easy it was he offered to deal with next
confession for priest. "Well, I really don't see what it could hurt."
"Go ahead." offered the priest.
Another woman came in and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done?" asked rabbi.
"In a moment of weakness I cheated on my husband." she confessed.
"Just once?" asked rabbi.
"No. Twice." replied woman.
"Well, go do it again, they're three for five dollars today."


And from Croydon Caz
10 thoughts for the day -UK

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax
cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars
in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in
charge of immigration.


From Eric in his tree


A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going
to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"


More from Burnout

Too True!!

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
A Doctor claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
(predominately male) patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Kingsford-Smith yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Tasmania, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at AWB, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up


Technology at its best - Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria,  Jack says to Mike behind him, 
"My elbow hurts like hell.  I guess I better see a
"Listen,  you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. 
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner.  Just give
it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.  It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot
cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore.  He deposits ten dollars,  and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample.  He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  Ten
seconds later,  the computer ejects a printout: :-
You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.  He mixed some tap water,  a
stool sample from his dog,  urine samples from his wife and daughter,  and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore,  eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars,  pours in his concoction,  and awaits the results. 
The computer prints the following :-
1. Your tap water is too hard.  Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm.  Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.  Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls.  They aren't yours.  Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself,  your elbow will never get


Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.  An attendant greets him in typical
Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.   "They're called
tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"  inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish  attendant. "Those fellas
at Mercedes think of everything...


"Seen my new secretary?" asked Cletus.
Yeah," his buddy Earl-Bob replied," she's gorgeous."
Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."
Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better
than the real thing."
Sounds perfect."
I got hurt once, though."
Well," Cletus grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil


You are online too much if
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish
to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since
the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call PizzaHut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you
inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them
for their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely
jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should
be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep
instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're
on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your
own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying
too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own
profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own
computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the
same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have
committed then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do
when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their
buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where
people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this
one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home
from work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I
will TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to the Internet too & are now
undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls
up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB"
or "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone
in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving"
tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to
"check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real
name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.


More from Man of Kent

work or prison?
Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

IN spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT spend the majority of your time in an 8x8

IN get three meals a day.
AT get a break for one meal and you have to pay for

IN get time off for good behaviour.
AT get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT must often carry a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN can watch TV and play games.
AT could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN get your own toilet.
AT have to share the toilet with some people who pee
On the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
AT get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
Get out.
AT WORK spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers


And from Fosters John

This one is actually supposed to be true...

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a
joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on
everyone else. When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and
foundhis Tats Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called
over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour
later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then
proceeded to read them out (you can guess that he had picked the lot -
including the supplementary!), and left the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and
compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket
and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown
away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket,
and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he sculled his drink,
stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room,
"I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair
withmy secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated
workingfor this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a
f__king sh_t-load of money, and I'm leaving...!"

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

Man Caught By His Catflap

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house
viathe catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.
"I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human
flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps..... I should
have realized that." Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how
he had become trappedin his own front door for two days, after losing his
house keys.
"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast
around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs and
told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.
"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams
were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but,
instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my
buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they
placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street
art. Please givegenerously'...... and left me there.
"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said: 'Very
good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers.
No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a
dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the
police. The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested
me assoon as I was free. Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I
collected over DM3,000 ($2,000) in my underpants, so the time wasn't
entirely wasted."


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My
Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, She
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she
said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."


A man was walking down the street and spotted another man with a cat in his
hands, so he walked up to him and asked
him why he had the cat in his hands, to which the second man replied, "To
tell time."
He, of course, didn't believe him and asked him to prove it. So, the second
man squeezed the cat, it schreeched and a guy across the street yelled,
"Would you shut that cat up? It's one o' clock in the morning!"


A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what
Marlene just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put
their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"


And even more from Burnout

Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage the US has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.  There are two theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.
6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
your pocket.
8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few
who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric
fence and find out for themselves.
9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
10.  If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way.
I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.


There was a church down in Waxahachie, Texas that had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and while she played
the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the
ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green
persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in
size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because
they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be
able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister, The Reverend Bob Horne, got up
on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will
not hath a  thermon tewday".


And so endeth the lesson

[ End friday humour ]

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