Friday humour - August 04, 2006



[From Davo at Bluehaze]


G'day
 
 
Nobody can replace the Great Man, Tony, at throwing FH together each
week.  But we're trying - some might say ... too much so.
 
Next weeks issue will be thrown together by Deano (Wayne Deane), a
colleage at CSIRO Minerals who's a bit of a finance whiz.  I think it's
important for FH to maintain its links with CSIRO Minerals Division,
where it was born.  I'm still working in HR at CSIRO Minerals, but have
already been "corporatised" and now would seem to be providing some
short-lived local HR service through the auspices of the Greater Good in
Canberra.  Whatever happens to me, it would seem I'll be leaving the
Division.  I'll either be dragged kicking and screaming to some
god-forsaken corporate P&C Helpdesk (People and Culture - you'd expect
us to be rehearsing for a forthcoming production of The Mikado!), or
just tossed on to the scrap heap as I've past my use-by date.
 
Of course CSIRO Minerals is not safe either.  The current thought police
don't like the word "Division" as it sounds "divisive".  They've decided
to call CSIRO's naturally evolved assets "Business Units" - which sounds
no friendlier to me ... the opposite in fact.  
 
I've always used the phrase that ... "Fred" would be turning in his
grave if he was dead.  Maybe it's wrong to say this, but I'm sure Tony
is turning in his grave.  It's a shame that such a wonderfully
constructed government organisation as CSIRO gradually seems to being
decimated by those only concerned with the economic bottom line, and not
the long term scientific needs of Oz.
 
But for the time being Deano has been saved.  He'll continue to provide
his efficient finance service to Minerals, indeed with a Minerals label!
He's effectively escaped corporatisation, at least for the time being.
Wayne used to work in a bank, but don't let that turn you against him.
It was in the days when banks were respected.  He's a Richmond footy
club supporter.  That would be a much more productive way of having a go
at him.   Hey ... Please give Deano your support.


On the payola front ...

One of Friday Humour's own is currently starring in the US Rockstar
Supernova program. He's 2nd cousin to Mad Mick from Marwick, and
son of our Good Doctor Rand.
 
         Click here

The show is screened on CBS in the US, and FOX8 in Oz.  Dave Rand advises
...

"In Oz, multiple on-line voting is between 9.30 and 11.30 pm on a
Wednesday."

Remember to vote early ... and vote often.


My apologies to any on this list who wrote to my dav259@optusnet.com.au
account and haven't received a reply.  I recently got a new home
computer which has 15 months of McAfee virus scan loaded on it.  I only
recently found out that almost 200 email messages received had been
spammed out into the ether.  I'm still toying with this problem.  If
anyone needs to write to me privately please for the moment use
dav259@hotmail.com or dav259@csiro.au.


We've also had troubles with a few CSIRO Humourites actually receiving
the FH emails the last couple of weeks. They know who they are, but we
initially didn't. As Donald Rumsfeld said about the search for weapons
of mass destruction in Iraq, "There are things we know we know, some
things we know we don't know, and other things we don't know we don't
know."
 
To minimise the possibilty of Rumsfeld's third scenario operating and to
help fix the  problem, we emailed some recent new subscribers to the FH
list, to check if they were receiving Friday Humour.  One of these, Kim
of BOC (the gas supplier), responded "Yes I am getting the
emails......or did you mean the humour????"  We're still waiting to find
out if she is getting the humour.  Anyway, it looks as if all this is
now sorted.  
 

We had some interesting responses regarding the Why is It so? issue last
week.

Here are two of the responses that arrived before we went to press ... 
____________
The bastards think and act like cowboys. As regards the Israeli
situation, the US feeds the Israelis with excessive military machinery
so as to pander to the Jewish electorate at home. Unhappily for them,
the Irish Govt. now claim that the guided missile bombing by Israeli
forces of a UN Observation Post killing 4 UN people was a deliberate act
so as to stop them reporting the attrocities being inflicted upon the
Lebanese civiliians who are being killed on 10 to 1 basis minimum. If
the Irish in America take note of what the Irish Govt claim, the US will
have to toss a coin as to which electorate they most wish to retain.
Also in the equation is the fact that Al Qa'eda is now getting
interested. Next will be Iran particularly when the produce an atomic
bomb and decide to test it - on Israel? 
 
Bush (and Tony) have stirred up a hornets nest such that the Arabs will
never forgive either. They may kill each other but they would prefer it
was US or UK they were able to get at. Solution - there ain't one at
this stage. Get rid of Bush and Tony and elect someone with their brains
in gear, forks out loadsa dosh, and maybe, just maybe, things may ease.
But the Ararbs will not forgive or forget. As for the Israelis, they
were a tiny minority in Palestine until 1948. Then the Britsh mandate
ceased and they were handed land that they had not owned for nigh on a
thousand years and flooded it with Jews from everywhere, pushing Arabs
into ghettoes and refugee camps, meanwhile looking for any excuse to
steal land. The 1967 war did just that and the Israelis have ignored
something like 22 UN resolution to hand it back etc. Now the hypocrites
insist Lebanon implement just a single UN resolution to disband the
Hizbollah in the full knowledge that the Lebanese Govt. hasn't the
support or strength to do so. So that gives the Israelis yet more reason
to carry on as they are.
 
In my book it is the Israelis that are the problem and until US reigns
them in they always will be.
 
  - Arfermo.
____________


1: Unless Isreal's neighbors accept the Jewish state of Isreal, the
radical and conservative Moslems in the Middle East will chip and chip
away until either they are defeated (Temporarily) or they finally give
up their desire to destroy the Isreal State.

2: Whilst the West needs Oil, it will need the Middle East, whether this
region is passive, compliant, quarreling with the West (USA)and Isreal
or amongst themselves. This quarrelsome culture has stunted Middle East
development these past 1000 years.

Whilst a culture of intolerance and disunity prevails (Sunni v Sheite)
the Middle East will never grow up and settle down. There is no solution
until these fundamentals have been overcome or, perhaps in time, become
irrevilent. That time may come when the Oil runs out or we don't need it
anymore.

Best Regards
Chris L
____________


Also this serious submission came from Digi Steve so it may as well also
go up here so as not to upset those who always avoid the miscellaneous
and serious waffle and jump straight to the first FH border line ...

                         Events in Lebanon 

Events in Lebanon are terrible. Hundreds of innocent civilians are dead.
The daily media images are horrific. It's  time for the US government to
use its muscle to enforce a ceasefire.

Agreed. But in another corner of the Middle East the US *is* using its
muscle - with these results:

January: 1,778 civilian deaths

February: 2,165 civilian deaths

March: 2,378 civilian deaths

April: 2,284 civilian deaths

May: 2,669 civilian deaths

June: 3,149 civilian deaths

Thousands of civilian deaths every month - 14,423 in the first half of
the year - according to United Nations  figures.

If Lebanon is bad, Iraq is a hundred times worse. Literally.

Source: Crikey.com



And after all of that, here's the funny stuff ...

 
- Davo

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First up this week something sorta serious from Burnout

             The Red Planet is about to be spectacular!

This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that
will culminate in the closest approach  between the two planets in
recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due
to the way  Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit,
astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this  close to
Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years
before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27 when Mars comes to within
34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to  the moon) the brightest
object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will
appear 25.11 arc seconds  wide. At a modest 75-power magnification...

Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.

Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in
the east at 10 pm and reach its azimuth at  about 3 am.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at
nightfall and reach its highest point in the  sky at 12:30 am. That's
pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in
recorded history. So, mark  your calendar at the beginning of August to
see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.

Share this with your children and grandchildren.

NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN



And Burnout's Quote of the Week:

     "Climate is what you predict; weather is what you get."


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These came from Stephen at Jokes Are Us


The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what
exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex  performed on them.

Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of
domination.

A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and
quiet.

                       --------------------

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to
get well.

There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists,
proctologists, any place you got a hole, 
there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career
out of that hole. 

And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or
proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a  surgeon.

Why?... 

So he can make a new hole....!

                       --------------------

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny
mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable  to stop staring at the
top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without
underwear. 

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my
pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. 

"It's quite all right," replies the Woman, "It's very talented, watch
this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." 

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy
can do. "

I can also make it Wink," says the woman. 

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. 

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of
fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!" 

                       --------------------

Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she  took home. "Well, what
happened when you got there?" asked Melva. 

"After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a
slut!" 

Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do then?" 

"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five
biker friends with him!"

                       --------------------

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by
the bullies in school. They stole his lunch,  they beat him up and just
downright made his life miserable.  It took him a couple of weeks to
find a way to get back  at these bullies and when he found out what
would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he
brought out a bottle that had what looked like  small brown balls in it.
He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket
some milk duds and  started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the
rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked,
"What's in the bottle that you are making such a  big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple
of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like
rabbit turds!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."



[ btw - you can check out Stephen's panoramic snaps of NSW at
 Click here  - Ed ]



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Here's a good trick from Moonboot


   open notepad

   type "bush hid the facts" without quotation marks
   
   don't press "enter" save the file

   close notepad
   
   open the file again

   what do you think?


   (also works with "Bill fed the goats" but strangely not
    "Bush hid the truth")


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These came from Fosters John on the B1 bottling line



"Why did you get fired ?", said one baker to the other.

"I stuck my dick in the donut maker"

"Gee, why the hell did you do that?, the first baker asked. 

"Easy," he said, "She bent over and I couldn't resist it".


                        - - - - -

Stopped at traffic light, the grey beard biker stared wide-eyed at a
punk rocker crossing the street in front of him.  The kid was a helluva
sight. The punker had green, orange, yellow, and blue hair, elaborately
waxed up into tall  spikes sprouting from the top of his head. 

Seeing the old biker staring at him, the punk rocker stopped and said,
"Hey, whatcha lookin' at, man? Didn't you ever  do anythin' excitin' in
your life when you were younger?" 

"Hell, yeah, I sure did," said the biker, "and that's what worries me -
ya see, about 20 years ago, I fuckedd a  peacock, and I'm thinking ya
might be one of my kids."

                        - - - - -

            How Hot Is It In Hell? - A True Story 

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question: "Is Hell  exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of
the students  wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,we
need to know the rate that souls are moving  into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not  leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different  religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their  religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to
more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go
to Hell. With birth and death rates as they  are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature  and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

#1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure  in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

#2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and  pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, 

"That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"

and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
s_xual relations with her, then #2 cannot be  true, and so Hell is
exothermic.

The student got the only A.


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This came from Allnutts at Highett

                            Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings .....

"Hello, Senor Smith? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house."

"Ah, yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" 

"Uh....I'm just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died." 

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Speaking
Competition?"

"Si, Senor...that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?" 

"Nobody, Senor, he ate the meat of your dead horse!" 

"Dead horse? What dead  horse?!" 

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Senor Smith. He died from a
heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor!"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor. A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire " 

"What the.....!! There's electricity at the house, what the hell was the
candle for?" 

"For the funeral, Senor." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your wife's, Senor.
She showed up one night out of the blue, and I  thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."
 
A long pause of complete silence... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver,
you're in deep shit!"


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And from new contributor Dick in Ohio

                             Bug Spray

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his  pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I
guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll
tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered  with that bug spray. If
there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case
from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug  spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the
cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there,  hanging in his bonds,
not single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!  Pale, ghastly,
haggard, and drawn, but not  one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on
you but you look like hell!  What the devil  happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that
calf have a mother?"


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This came from Stevo, via Howard

                        Why we forward jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that  he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years. He wondered where the  road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like fine marble. At the  top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing
before it he saw a  magnificent gate in the arch that looked like
mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure
gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began  to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller
asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and
then turned back toward the road and  continued the way he had been
going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road leading through a farm gate that  looked as if it had never
been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man
inside, leaning  against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and
sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand  pump with a bowl beside
it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,
then he gave some to  the dog. When they were full, he and the dog
walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road
said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
their best friends behind."

Sooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When  you are very busy, but
still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you
forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared  for, guess what you
get?

.. a forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been  thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at our water bowl.


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More from Burnout

                             Priceless

If you have children still at home or they have moved out...it doesn't
really matter...this is priceless.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in
their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with  empty food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open,
as was the front  door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded  against one wall. In the
front room the TV was blaring loudly a cartoon channel, and the family
room was strewn with  toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
the counter.  The fridge door was open wide,  dog food was spilled on
the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand
was spread by the  back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He  was
worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet  towels, scummy soap and
more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over
the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the
bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked  up at him, smiled, and
asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world did  I do today?"

"Yes?!" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


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To the pics now ... And there's lots this week.


From Burnout

Roasted nuts
 Click here

Unusual pics
 Click here

Some of you may know my ex-wife. She had started taking flying lessons
About the time our divorce started (1999) and she got her license
shortly before our divorce was settled (2000). Yesterday afternoon, she
Narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was
forced to make an emergency landing in Maitland because of bad weather.
Some could call it a crash; an accident at the least. Our kids were with
the grandparents thank God this weekend. National Transportation Safety
Board officials have issued a preliminary determination citing pilot
error
contributed to the accident .

No one on the ground was injured. The photograph attached was taken at
the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
 Click here

Burnouts comic assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Sexy people
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Sage advice
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is how to sell a boat that's not the best in the Show!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

I want one of these
 Click here

All smile!
 Click here

Politeness Lost in the Translation
 Click here

Beer
 Click here

Bob and Tom
 
 Click here

Attack Dogs
 Click here

Flying high
 Click here

In any other country this would be classed as flashing file 
 Click here

The streaker
 Click here

Milch cow
 Click here


From Eric in his treetop in South Africa

What you see below,  are not see-thru skirts. 
They are actually prints on the skirts to make 
it look as if the panties are visible,  and these 
are the current rage in Japan . They'll be the 
rage here in the USA soon.

I forward this as a public service, so you won't
have a heart attack when the rage reaches the USA . 

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Allnutts

Anyone for camping?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Money
 
 Click here


This picture was  taken by a KTBS helicopter flying over Lake Conroe!
(For those of you who are not local, Lake Conroe is in Conroe, TX.)
That has to be a  HUGE gator to have a whole deer in its mouth!
Are you ready to go  skiing on Lake Conroe?!
If you ski at the west end of the lake -- try  not to fall.

This alligator was found between Athens and Palestine, Texas near a
house.  How would you like to meet this fella in the dark?  Never let it
be said that we don't grow them big in Texas.

Game wardens were forced to shoot the alligator- guess he wouldn't
cooperate...

Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night.

Their neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a mammoth
alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they
dismissed the stories as exaggerations.   "I didn't believe it," Charles
Rogers said.  Friday they realized the stories were, if anything,
understated.  Texas  Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the
beast

Joe Goff, 6'5" tall, a game warden with the Texas Parks and Wildlife
Department, walks past a 23-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and
killed in their back yard.
 Click here Click here Click here

Government employee
 Click here

Pooh Bear
 Click here


From Mad Mick of Marwick

Hell Hath No Fury...(received from Donald Syme)
For all you blokes .... Let this be a lesson!!
Apparently this billboard is on 54th and 7th in Manhattan New York
at the moment

When relationships go bad
 Click here


From Marinator

My cubicle
 Click here


From the Duke

I'm her daddy
 Click here


From Muse

It's a gas
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Strange basement
 Click here

Walking backwards
 Click here

Top Off
 Click here

Great Scotch
 Click here

Bubblegum
 Click here

Flower power
 Click here

Keep focused on the road
 Click here

Cock room
 Click here


From Maayan in South Africa

In the beginning ...
 
 Click here
 
 Click here
 
 Click here


From Moonboot

Moonie's Movies
 
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
 
 Click here Click here


From Megazorch

Warning Not To Leave Children Unattended ...
 Click here


From Alex H

War checklist
 Click here


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Text again now from Minnesota Scott

                 Are You Ready to Have Children?

MESS TEST 
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the
wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the  stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST 
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.)  Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not  scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

FEEDING TEST 
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug  swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug, while  pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.

DRESSING TEST 
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

GROCERY STORE TEST 
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep  them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

NIGHT TEST 
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00  P. M. begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00 P. M. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00 P. M. Get  up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until  4:00 A. M.
Set alarm for 5:00 A. M. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) 
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10  of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) 
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the  nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store.  Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT 
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience,  tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that  they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy
this experience. It will be the last time you will have all  the
answers.


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Barb F sent these in

                          OSAMA & THE GENIE

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle
on a beach and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I
don't need any common woman giving me anything"  barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with  three American women
in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.

God is good!


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                          Barb's Quickies

What is  the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

What is  the difference between in-laws and  outlaws?
Outlaws are  wanted.

Where does  virgin wool come from?
Ugly  sheep.

How do you  spot the blind man at a nudist  colony?
It isn't  hard.

How can  you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from  your cell phone.

What does  the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding  night? His last  name.

What's the  down side to a threesome?
You'll likely  disappoint two women instead of just  one.

How do you  know you're really ugly?
Dogs close  their eyes when they're humping your  leg.

Why are  hurricanes named after  women?
Because they  arrive wet and wild, then leave wi th your house and car.


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More from Burnout

                           LIVING IN 2006

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list


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                      Would that make us kin?"

Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first  guy says to the
second, "If'n I was to sneak overto your trailer Saturday & make love to
your wife while you was off  huntin', and she got pregnant and had a
baby, would that make us kin?" 

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard  about the question. 

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, But it shore would make
us even."


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From Trina

                          Short and sweet

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her  mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been  laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my  daughter
looked at me with total admiration and asked,

"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" 

"Uh," ... I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff. It's on the
Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they  don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh... I get  it!" she beamed, "So if
you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." 

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my
heart.


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More from Stephen@Jokes

                          Suck it and see


After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought
she'd get from her openly gay son.

"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to
get married."

Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good.

"I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish?"

Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from
very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."

Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy
you've made me. What's her name?"

The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."

Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice
Catholic boy you used to date?"


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This last one is from 'you know who you are' who said "You will like this
one
(I bet)"                
                                        [ I think I have lost the plot.   -
Ed ]

                          Going Out West

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said,
"Peter I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the
country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle
dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."

"Right PM," said Costello. Days later, all kitted out and with the
requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly
direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking
for and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to
the bar.

"G'day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best
beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our
best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the
Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He
walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or
so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and
went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the
Barman over.

"Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told
them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"


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Quote of the Week:


         "Who do you trust to keep interest rates low?"


                               John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia
                               29 August 2004
                               (Announcing the Oct 9 Federal Election)


[ Oz has just had its third interest rate rise since the election.  - Ed ] 


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[ End friday humour ]


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