Friday humour - July 28, 2006
G'day
Why is it so?
Can any of our FH readers understand and suggest a plausible solution to the
troubles in the Middle East?
Why does America support everything Israel ever does?
Why doesn't the US insist that Israel at least abides by all the UN
resolutions over forty or more years?
Why is it OK for the US to supply Israel with nuclear weapons, but it's not
OK for Iran to supply Lebanon with much less ostentatious weaponry?
Why was it OK for Israel to invade/occupy Lebanon four times in the last 30
years?
Why does anyone take the Bush White House seriously?
Look at the bloody mess America has created in Iraq. Bush floated the
"just" idea of pre-emptive attack. Logically this would make it OK for any
country to invade another simply by saying ... we got in first.
We were told that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction (it didn't). That
Iraq was related to the 9/11 tragedy (it wasn't). That Iraq posed a threat
to America (absurd!!!).
Why doesn't America butt out? It seems to me that peace will only come to
the Middle East when diplomacy and respect come into play. And diplomacy is
not Bush's strong suit.
[ answers to editorials~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au ]
I'm still having minor problems throwing FH together, but hopefully things
will improve in ensuing weeks. Apologies if anything below is duplicated
from the past.
Please send your stuff to contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au
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-
Davo
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First up from Fosters John on the CUB bottling line
IF MEN WROTE THE RULES
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid
Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you
are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not
both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
about having their breasts stared at.
Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you
saying "This is our exit" is not necessary
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This oldie came from Teacher Trong
Togetherness
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. That husband died too.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord
for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means
her first, second or third husband?
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
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And from Whizzbang
Remember -They Vote !!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he
put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at
it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It
looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale
$50."
The next day someone stole it.
Caution ! . . . . . . . . . . These people Vote.
=========
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North ?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for
sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff" . . . . . . She ALSO votes !
=========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time ?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . He ALSO votes!
=========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . She
ALSO votes !
=========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . My sister
ALSO votes !
=========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . . . . He ALSO
votes !
=========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head ?"
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned. .. . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes !
========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet ? ".. . . . . . . . . SHE
ALSO votes !
========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4
pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6" . . . . . . . . . Yep, he
votes too.
========
Now you know who elects the politicians !
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Quotable Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy Carter)
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement .
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
By all means, ! marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC. Fields
We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
- Unknown
Be careful of your tongue: It's kept in a wet place and could easily slip
.
- Unknown
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This arrived from Allnutts
Scottish Wedding
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "Ahve got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Heavens, Ahve even bought a kilt tae be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
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From Trina (who said "Received this from an old childhood chum. They are
just soooo good! And they are real sites - unbelievable!")
Unfortunate Domain Names
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time
considering how their online names might appear ...
1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com
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A quickie from Allnutts
Nuts to You
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old
lady, "why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, ? "We just love the chocolate around them."
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And from Minnesota Scott
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news Possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you Since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
Terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a
man next to her: "The driver just Insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go Ahead, I'll hold
your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have
ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists Spent a decade and $12 million to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a Pencil.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
Services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The Operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the
line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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This weeks pics are from Digi Maria, Allnutts, Sister Carol, Whizzbang,
Cartographer Chris, Cookie, Tony from Perth, and Digi Steve.
From Cookie
Aussie inventions
Click here Click here
The Whizzbang collection
Where babies come from
Click here
Where to this weekend?
Click here
Little Billy
Click here
New ice-ream craze
Click here
Vegitarians
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
Belly bugle
Click here
Photography Tip Number 1
Click here
Maggot
Click here
From Sister Carol
Good philoshophy
Click here
From Allnutts
Did you drop something
Click here
Clever surgeon
Click here
Police at the Dubbo Show
Click here
From Cartographer Chris
How are your eyes and brain?
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
From Digi Steve
Splash car
Click here
From Tony L
What Zidane said to the Italian
Click here
From Digi Maria
Seven Night Cruise Competition
I've taken the liberty of putting your name into the draw
for a Seven Night Cruise around the Bay of Islands, NZ, on
the 'Gypsy Queen' Cruise Liner. All airfares, transfers,
food and drinks inclusive; with dinner at the Captain's
table as his personal guest.
Good luck, I hope you win!
Attached is a picture from the brochure...
Click here
Idiots behind the wheel
Click here
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These from Sister Carol
Lifesaver test
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,
using a bowl of lifesaver lollies. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and
flavour.
The children began: "Red...... cherry,"
"Yellow......... lemon,"
"Green.............. lime,"
"Orange......... orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY flavoured lifesaver. After
eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled, "Oh My
God!!!! They're arseholes!!"
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Party Game
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are still
in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the
mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is
the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over and it got a bit
wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or
five times."
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More from Trina
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks.
Beneath our radiant locals sign
We toil with glass in hand
To be the one to skull the most
Fall down, or lose your pants.
Tequila shots, we'll take the lot
That guy behind us stinks.
Beer goggles on, it's time to run
Go home from Friday drinks.
Through rumbo stains and vodka trains
I'm done with Friday drinks!!!
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These from Nottingham Smithie
You know you're getting older when ...
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
Dialling long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go
by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
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The man and the sheherd
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a
huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one
of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a
man of my word, take an animal."
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or
nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
The man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says
the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did
you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
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Two plus two
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two
equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four,
exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give
or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes
the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it
to equal?"
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Finally from Steve of Oregon
Poker Poker
Two couples were paying poker one evening. Paul accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Tom's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Paul upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Paul went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Tom's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Paul courageously admitted that, well indeed he
did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, Paul confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her
husband Tom works Friday afternoons and as Paul doesn't, he should be at her
house around 2 pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Paul showed up at Tom's house at 2 pm sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed. Paul then quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Tom came home from work at 6 pm and upon entering the house, asked
his wife abruptly. "Did Paul come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her
best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Tom, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good,
I was hoping he did. Paul came by the office this morning and borrowed $500
from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way
home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !
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Quote of the Week:
"We have given hardline support to the United States in the war on
terror. The invasion has turned Iraq, which had no relationship
with al-Qaeda, into the largest terrorist factory in the entire world.
It has increased the dangers of terrorism substantially."
Malcolm Fraser
Former Liberal Prime Minister of Australia
26 July 2006
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