Friday humour - July 21, 2006
This is the first Friday Humour using the newly established server.
Please be patient with any problems or other niggles that might pop
up from time to time as it all gets sorted out. Some changes have had
to be made, and other changes have been made to make life a little
NOTE these changes from today:
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And now lets get on with the real stuff .....
We're back ... but it will never quite be the same. Friday Humour was
Tony's love child. In his honour let's see if we can keep it alive and
kicking. He would have wanted it that way. We have become quite an
extended family of sorts from all corners of the world.
Many thanks to Digi Steve, an old work colleague of Tony's, who has
reconstructed the Bluehaze setup and moved it to another server.
FH can only be as good as you lot make it. Keep sending your stuff to
First up a couple from Fosters John
In Melbourne one of the radio stations pay money, ($100-500), for people
to tell their most embarrassing stories. This mornings one netted the
proud owner $300 AUD.
As the lady said... "I was due later that week for an appointment with
the gynocologist when early one morning I received a call from his
office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 09:30. I
had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around
8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about thirty five
minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do I'm sure, I
like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits
but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed up stairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the flannel and
gave myself a wash in front of the basin taking extra care to make sure
I was presentable. Threw the flannel in the wash basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the
waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the
procedure as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over
at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some
other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said, "my.. we have taken a little
extra effort this morning haven't we?".
The appointment over I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning the evening meal
etc....At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to
a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum - where's my
flannel?". I called back for her to get another from the linen cupboard,
she called back "No - I need my one that was here by the basin. It had
all my glitter and sparkles in it".
It's my job
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told
the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet
and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . "
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of our spine and give you one hell of
And from Digi Maria
Oxymorons are two words
Which are opposites
That make up common phrases.
Here's a list of some funny ones:
Synthetic natural gas
New and improved
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
These are from Stephen at Jokes Are Us
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large
wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms foded across her chest.
Lil' Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if
you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown
The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug
store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a
small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here,
take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."
The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream
content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the
Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?"
"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze.
Tonight, by golly, I'm going to give it to her."
MEDICAL TERMS THAT A BLOND USES
Anti-Body... against everyone
Artery... study of paintings
Bacteria... back door to a cafeteria
Barium... what to do when treatment fails
Bowel... letters lik A E I O or U
Caesarean Section... a district in Rome
Cardiology... advanced study of poker playing
Cat Scan... searching for ones lost kitty
Cauterize... made eye contact with her
Colic... sheep dog
Enema... not a friend
Genes... blue denim slacks
Hangnail... coat hook
Impotent... distinguished, well known
Inpatient... tired of waiting
Labor Pain... hurt at work Medical
Staff... a doctor's cane
Minor Operation... coal digging
A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods, and both need to have a dump
urgently... so they each go behind a different tree and deposit a hefty
Once finished they meet up again, and the bear says to the rabbit "Do
you have problems with c**p sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "No, i don't"
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
This is from new contributor Tom, aka Guv, who said
I read this and immediately through "This is the sort of
thing I'd get from 'Tony at Bluehaze'.
I hope he would have appreciated it.
John Howard, ardent royalist
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, the Aussie Prime Minister,
and general ass kisser, turned to the Queen and said, "As I'm the Prime
Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to,
and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
John Howard thought a while and then said, "How about a Principality
To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be
a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."
Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, "Sorry again, Mr.
Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you
are not an Emperor."
Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said, "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country."
A couple of quickie blonde jokes from Trina
A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt on Monday?"
"Oh no!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant: 'T i t s Go In Front'!"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.
She asked, "What are their names?"
The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."
And from Chris in Claremont, Tassie
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie
Green every week for the last month." The Priest tells the sinner, "You
are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon,another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice
a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks,"Who is this
Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'. "
The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in
front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her
legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The Priest turns to the
altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
More from Digi Maria
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked,
"Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "Oh, that's my pet rooster, chucky. Wherever I go,
"I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his
overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the
theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The
movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned
his fly so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age we've seen
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
From the Castlehill Books mob
Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will the baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
A: When the kids are in college.
The Meaning of Life
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other
forty" And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only
twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow
gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave
back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical
Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're
called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything...
Here's a news bulletin from Tony L in the West
Saddam Hussein found guilty.
Sentenced to be shot.
Last request is to name his own firing squad.
He chose Lampard, Gerrard, and Carragher from 12 yards.....
And from Whizzbang
The Vent in Kiwiland
An Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
town and sees a local sitting on his porch, patting his dog. He figures
he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock.)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi.)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good - he walks me twice a day, feeds me great tucker and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief.)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded.)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi.)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes
medown often and keeps me in a barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement.)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep's a fucking liar!!!"
To the pics now, and they're from ... Whizzbang, Sister Carol, Optus
Roly, Croydon Caz, Burnout, Trina, and Howard in Finance.
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
I was thinking of getting a body ring but i dont't know which one to
get. Can anyone help with this one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Dickhead friend Click here
From Sister Carol
From Croydon Caz
Click here Click here Click here Click here
Big deck Click here
Slow motion video of drag racing
From Chimney Sweep Howard
Cat Herding Click here
Dog For Free...doesn't eat much
Pool vaulting Click here
Back to ascii now and Allnutts
My Private Part Died Today
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein,
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
She replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr.
Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
What it means to be an Aussie
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way
to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in Australian ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on
the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
From new contributor Brian who says
"I don't recall seeing this one in your journal yet and, though a little
out of date by media standards, I believe the case is still open. It's a
good poem anyway, so here goes ..."
[ btw - The final report of the AWB Royal Commission was due in June.
Has it been hushed up? Watch this space ... Ed ]
Howard of the Overflow...
I had written him a letter, which I had, for want of better Knowledge,
sent to where I met him at the wheat board, years ago.
He was chairman when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him Just on
to make the point that "Howard doesn't want to know".
And an e-mail came directed, not entirely unexpected
(And I think the same was written in some Middle Eastern bar).
'Twas his CEO who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
"Trevor Flugge's gone to Baghdad, and we don't know where he are.
"But when he left Australia, he was going to meet with Alia,
"A trucking mob in Jordan, who were keen to grease the wheels.
"For 10 percent commission, they could swing Saddam's permission
"To get our wheat accepted; it's the mother of all deals.
"But I guarantee, Prime Minister, that there's nothing at all sinister.
"The chaps at DFAT told us that the sums looked quite okay.
"When you're selling wheat in billions, what's a quick 300 million?
"If it keeps the Nationals happy, it's a tiny price to pay."
Sitting here at Kirribilli, I've been thinking, willy-nilly,
That it's somehow reminiscent of the children overboard:
But I can handle Rudd and Beazley, as I always do, quite easily
By endlessly protesting that there's nothing untoward.
I'll tell Bush next time I meet him at The White House,
when I greet him, That I'm sure he'll understand about the wheat board's
quid pro quo.
He'll forgive this minor error in the global war on terror
When I look him in the eye and tell him Howard didn't know.
Finally from Swinburne Sue
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a
house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will
then get the disease that I just caught."
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then
when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and
have sex, and Mum will catch it."
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick
who ran over my FROG!"
They're Back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services (some old, some new)
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
"Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Quote of the Week:
"See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get
Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over."
The mental giant - George W Bush (to Tony
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