Friday humour - June 23, 2006
G'day
Here's an interesting web site featuring little Johnny Howard's favourite
god ...
Enjoy the lies, deceptions, and weasel words of arguably the most dangerous
man in the word. The man responsible for more recent world deaths than
anyone else. The one and only .... King George of America.
Click here
God bless all those killed. May they rest in peace.
And now the funny ha-ha stuff ...
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To open this week, a Stonefish collection
BIG TAKINGS
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to
take me out when I'm dead."
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a babysitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devi l. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your Dad.
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This came from Tony L at Waterford
BEATING THE POMS
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be
bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself. You lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how
the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A
big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho
10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers,
"It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the
teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him
in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his
hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."
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These came from the B1 bottling line via John K
MRS F AND REV FUZZ
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the
town bar, drinking beer. The Reverend thought this was sinful and not
something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through
the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the Reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The Reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
seconds, the Reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't
have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."
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Whizzbang sent this stuff in
BLACK FELLAH TO WHITE FELLAH
Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!
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NIELSEN POLL
The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what
exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them.
Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.
Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of
domination.
A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and
quiet.
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QUICKIES
What does WIFE stand for?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.
Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?"
"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
Option A: NICE TITS !!
Option B: How ya gonna do the dishes?
Man comes home drunk and says to his wife "Jesus, you're ugly!"
Wife replies "You're pissed!"
Man: "Y-yes, but that'll be gone by tomorrow!"
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FATHER KNOWS BEST
Little Johnny comes home from school and says to dad; "At school the boys
were talking about pussy, what is pussy?"
Dad gets his Penthouse magazine out, opens it , draws a circle and says,
"There, that's it, everything in that circle."
Then Johnny says, "They were also talking about a bitch, what's a bitch?"
Dad; "Everything outside that circle!"
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Digi maria came good with this
THREE BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three
Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is
a brazillion?"
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This weeks pics are from Muse, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Burnout, Stonefish,
Cartographer Chris, The Chief Ed, Southbank Mark, Gordon from NZ
Telecom, Ursular, and Golding, Petty, and Tanberg from The Age.
From Tony (the other FH ed), from daughter Rosie:
Soccer beer ad for the world cup soccer: Click here
From a new contributor Mark "I've been a long-time lurker and now
feel it's time I contributed something. Please keep my identity
anonymous. The latest must-have computer accessory: (just don't
show the children)" ...
Click here
From Muse
Doo Whop Horse Music (more foolishness) - "Click below and wait for
the entire screen to load up with all four horses and a fence in front of
them. Then click on each horse. Make sure your sound is on. Re-click on any
horse to make it turn off or turn it back on again. Quite the programming..."
Click here
From the AM Stereo list - "Here's a funny video that may be funnier to
those who have worked in radio. However I think even radio "listeners"
will appreciate the humor. The Morning Guy" ...
Click here
Honest Ads Click here
Click here Click here
Happy gang (disgusting):
Click here Click here Click here
State of Origin
Click here
Barbie in a turban (rude):
Click here
Jeans too tight perhaps
Click here
How to wear a thong (Hot stuff):
Click here Click here
Ultimate alien collection (X-rated):
Click here
Soccer trainer required (X-rated, some repeat shots)
Click here
Fart
Click here Click here
Gilligan's Island [X-rated animation]
Click here
What you didn't see at the movies
Click here Click here Click here Click here
In the news
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here
Tassie's No. 1 Hit
Click here
Playing with fire
Click here
>From the bench
Click here
Fair Pay Commission
Click here
Zales Click here
Drive past
Click here
Cheers
Click here
Drop in Click here
The Chaser - No Gary No
Click here
Bottler Click here
Blonde arm wrestling
Click here
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More from Whizzbang
X-RATED RIDDLES (mostly repeats, but good for the pub :-)
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
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More from Burnout
BROKEN DREAMS
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me
you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me
with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech."
"If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have
nothing left to live for."
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From the Guy in South Africa
MIDLIFE CRISIS
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years
ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25
year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25
year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
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An Allnutts Assortment ...
GENEROUSITY (a repeat, but a classic)
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen....
MAN: "Hello
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,.. go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly
a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Here's one from Steve of Oregon
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves
to their stalls? But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse ...
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians
- it creates a hostile work environment.
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Finally from Upstairs Bob
CLOCKS
An Aussie died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "so, whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.
"John Howard's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"I'd like to end Guantanamo. I'd like it to be over with. One of the
things we will do is we'll send people back to their home countries."
George W Bush - President of the USA
[ One wonders whether Dubya's Cuba guests will receive any apology
or compensation. - Ed ]
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[ End Friday humour ]
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