Friday humour - June 16, 2006

            G'day,
       Before we get into the humour this week,  we have one warning (via
       Whizzbang), and then some interesting stuff on (of all things) the
       subject of love!  Anyway, first up - the warning:

                          MOBILE PHONE SCAM WARNING

    People are being targeted by a mobile phone call back scam.

    The scammers* call the mobile then hang up before it is answered.
    The scammer then relies on the curiosity of the phone owner to call
    the number back to find out who was calling.  If the number is called
    a recorded message tells the caller that they have won a prize and/or
    they are directed to phone a 1902 number which has a call rate of around
    $3 per minute.  Numbers that have been identified as belonging to these
    phone scammers include:

    This site lists the current numbers involving this scam:
    Click here

    If you receive a call from one of these numbers do not call back.
    There is no prize, just a hefty bill.

    If someone calls you and you're not available chances are they'll leave
    a message saying who they are and why they're calling.

    * Apparently the scammers are actually a registered Australian marketing
    company and are not doing anything illegal so there is nothing the ACCC
    can do to stop them.
                               ---#-----#-----#---


                         WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?

        And on the subject of love, I came across a few articles in the April
        29 2006 "New Scientist" magazine this week which I thought may just
        interest some of you.  The theme of the issue was "What is this thing
        called love?".  Only one of the articles was accessible from the web
        without a subscription, but I managed to track down 3 of the others
        via a Google search.  All rather interesting, I thought ...

What is this thing called love? (as in - the *biological* basis of):
 Click here
Six ways to woo your lover:
 Click here
Finding the perfect mate: Click here
On gay-ness ... Same sex, different rules:
 Click here

        Arrr, what the heck - this one's interesting if you drink coffee
        *and* alcohol (altho keep in mind the jury's still out):
Coffee and alcohol:
 Click here

        And finally, a quick comment from Deano ... "Re that number-plate pic
        you had a cupla weeks ago:
          Click here -

        I saw a similar sticker a while ago which is a follow-up to that - it
        read "Shit does not happen!  It's caused by arseholes!"  :-)
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - now to the humour.  A friend of Maayan (Obz, Cape Town) sms'd
         this to her a few days ago - so as you can imagine, it's a quickie!

                               WHICH IS CORRECT?

A girl is uncomfortable with watching you wank.  Do you think:

(a) You need more time together

(b) She's a prude

   or -

(c) She should have sat elsewhere on the bus
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Here's a few more that I just discovered last night - but be
          warned, the first two are somewhat rude:

                                STRANGE TASTE

This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out
a girl for the first time.  She sends him up and he meets this drop-dead
blonde with legs up to here.  She closes the door and whips down her panties
and he spreads her legs and starts licking.

Minutes later, he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet.
Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before, he continues eating
her out.

Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth.  Still thinking this
is normal, he continues.  Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up.

"Excuse me miss, but are you sick?"

She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was."

                          ----====#===#===#===#----

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor.  It
feels like something's stuck up my arse.  Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's arse,
feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there.  Try lubing up your whole
hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks
it up Bruce's arse.  He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem.  There was a watch stuck up your arse."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ..."

                          ----====#===#===#===#----

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death.  The family called their pastor to stand with them.  As the pastor
stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he
motioned frantically for something to write on.  The pastor lovingly handed
him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to
scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed
it in his jacket pocket.  At the funeral, as he was finishing the message,
he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when
Ol' Fred died.  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word
of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

                          ----====#===#===#===#----

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.  So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.  The
other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll
service every chicken you've got.  No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it.  So he buys Randy.  The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down
in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.  You've got a lot of chickens
to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a
good job.  So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a
chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house
and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or
FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.  Randy runs out of the hen house
and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pig-pen.  He's in with the cows.  Randy is jumping on
every animal the farmer owns.  The farmer is distraught, worried that his
expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy
dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.  Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such an expensive, colourful animal ,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself.  I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh ... they're getting
closer ..."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Next, we have this one from Biggus (aka Fifi) ...

                            EARTHQUAKE ROCKS MOE

[ NB: Moe is a regional town outside Melbourne, Oz ]

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours
of yesterday morning, with the epicentre in Moe, Victoria.  Victims were
seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "Farkin ell" and "Whadda Bastard".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation
Society and the Moe Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.  One
resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a
shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgaan and Meeghan-Storm slept through it all.
I  was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000
bottles of Home Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.  Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Collingwood jerseys,
Jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.  Clothing is most sought
after. Items most needed include: baseball caps, flannelette shirts, thongs,
moccasins and tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include, Cheezels, McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans
of Woodstock Bourbon or Bacardi Breezers.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered fish, crisps and fizzy drinks
for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair
on the population of the neighbouring areas.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


       German George (yep, he's back in Germany - the women are just too
       much) sent this, adding "Tony, a few weeks ago some of the silly
       laws in the US.  Now: Australia (but we still can't beat the good
       ole US of A)":

                                   IN OZ

A life sentence is 25 years.

Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.

You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.

It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and
black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat
burgular.

It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.

Under Australian Communications Authority (ACA) regulations, a modem can't
pick up on the first ring.

Taxi cabs are required to carry a bale of hay in the trunk.  Bars are required
to stable, water and feed the horses of their patrons.

The legal age for straight sex is 16, unless the person is in the
care/custody of the older person, in which case it is 18.

Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb.

It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.

You must have a neck to knee swimsuit in order to swim at Brighton Beach.

Until the Port Arthur Killings it was legal to own an AK-47 but not legal to
be gay.

Lawmakers are proposing a new law that will not allow anyone to come closer
than 100 meters from a dead whale's carcass.


                  AND BACK IN THE STATES - THIS TIME UTAH

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

It is illegal not to drink milk.

It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while
she is in his presence.

It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on
the sidewalk of a state highway.

It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for
the wine list.

It is considered an offense to hunt whales.

No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an
emergency call.

Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency.

Boxing matches that allow biting are not allowed.

It is illegal to cause a catastrophe.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And just before the pics and songs for this week, another one from
          Maayan over in Obz - a longer one this time:

                               LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
and still smelled pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to smell,
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.  Hence the
custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children.  Last of all the babies.  By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.  Hence the
saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small
animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.  When it rained it became slippery
and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying
"It's raining cats and dogs".

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.  This posed
a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed.  Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection.  That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, Dirt poor.  The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to
help keep their footing.  As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.  A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.  Hence the saying a thresh hold.

  (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire.  Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.  They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day.  Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while.  Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.  It was
a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.  They would cut
off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so,
tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.  The combination would sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.  Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They were laid
out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.  Hence the
custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people.  So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of
25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive.  So they  woul d tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground
and tie it to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all
night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..

And that's the truth.   Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now to the pics - although first up, for those of you who've not
       played with Google Earth lately, try it again now, because:
       (a) the "21 day limit" on the free version seems to have gone, and
       (b) it's improved considerably in terms of the area of the planet
           that's now covered in good detail.
       Once you start looking around the globe, you'll be there all day!
       To get it, Click here - and yep,

       available for Linux *and* Mac as well (it ain't Microsoft, folks!)

       If you want to find a place by name and it can't find it, go to
   Click here
   or for Oz in particular:
   Click here
       and type in the Latitude and Longitude instead.
       The detail's so good that you can post people your Lat/Long co-ords
       and they'll be able to see your house!  For example, I zoomed in on
       this house, "marked" it, then saved the co-ords as a "kmz" file.  In
       fact, of you click on my kmz after you install GE, you might just
       see our street with the two white Ford Falcans out the front if you
       zoom in far enough:
   Goggle Earth - Bluehaze: Click here
       Or (very roughly) where Maayan, Trevor and others hang out in Obz
       over in Cape Town (Lower Main Road):
   Goggle Earth - Obz: Click here
       (which is the corner of Lower Main Road and Station Road, I think).

       So thanks to Peter in Electronics for demonstrating that GE was well
       worth another look after 2 years of further development.  Download
       and enjoy.
                              --------------------------

       From Eric (also in South Africa) - here's what the guys in Beijing
       are up to for the Olympics:

Olympic weather:
 Click here
                              --------------------------

       And talking of Maayan (who apparently does all her internet stuff from
       the "Wannabe" cyber caf in Lower Main Road, Obz!), these rolled in ...
       enjoy:

Some pics from the National Geographic (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Sandstorm in Iraq (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Smart animals (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Trip through Italy (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Trip to Antarctica (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Slides of Lebanon (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                              --------------------------


        A little game as passed on by Luigi - and as he puts it "Difficult
        maze - needs good hand-mouse coordination ..."
Maze challenge (Shockwave Flash): Click here
                              --------------------------


        This one's from Maria - it's the Carnation Milk competition entry that
        won it's author $1000 but still couldn't be used (joke?):

Judged as the best Carnation Milk entry, but not used:
 Click here
                              --------------------------

        Next, another great Burnout collection:

How to avoid sunburn to your face - guaranteed:
 Click here
Pelican vs Jet:
 Click here
The evils of drinking far too much:
 Click here Click here Click here
New scam on women:
 Click here
A goal!!
 Click here
Have your porn 24x7 (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Some new anti-smoking cigarette packets:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Sex in the office (M$ PPT):
 Click here
The male brain relaxing:
 Click here
                              --------------------------

         Now for a couple from Pooley ...

How to get back at your neighbour!
 Click here
Dominoes (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                              --------------------------

         And from Mr Moonboot, it's ...

Your World Cup organiser!
 Click here
                              --------------------------

         My daughter Rosie thought you may be amused by this one:

Katrina:
 Click here
                              --------------------------

         Then there was this collection from Whizzbang:

Chequers game (Shockwave Flash):
 Click here
I hate women's hygeine commercials (sick) (Shockwave Flash):
 Click here
The Crates game (Shockwave Flash):
 Click here
A varied collection of pics (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          A sweet collection of new animal pics from Swinburne Sue:

More animal pics (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          And from Stonefish, we just received these:

Movie Misnomers (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Red card for filming (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
The springboard competition:
 Click here
And here's how it went!
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          Gordon in NZ sent this one over during the week:

Women's football (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          And on the same subject, Andrew Urban posted this (possibly a
          repeat, but very topical):

The gayest referee ever (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          Muse over in Canada found a couple as well this week ...

Bud naked (okay, it's a repeat - but excellent) M$ WMV movie clip:
 Click here
Irish bank robbery (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          Plus a couple from Biggus:

The Jesus Pan:
 Click here
An equation for brainlessness:
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          And from CSIRO Wallah Russell, it's a set of updated cuddley toys
          for your children:

Updated cuddley toys:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                              --------------------------

          Ursula passed this one on - and it's another ...

Bank robbery (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                              --------------------------


                   SOME RADIO/FILM THEME MUSIC FROM THE PAST

         This week I thought I'd put up some ancient radio/tv/film themes.
         Well known in Oz and the UK if you're old enough to remember and/or
         if you listen to late-night AM radio replays of any these shows:

Theme for the long-running ABC serial Blue Hills:
 Click here

Theme for the BBC panel show My Word (believe it or not):
 Click here

Theme for Peter Stuyvesant commercials (Film/TV/Radio):
 Click here

Theme for 3KZ (Melbourne AM radio) children's stories as compered and read by
Norman Swaine (hey - remember The Magic Faraway Tree, Brer Rabbit ...?)
 Click here

         For those of you who'd like to listen to the final part of Torn
         Curtain (the "Cold War") from Radio National (otherwise known here
         as "The Oz bid for the bomb").  I'll just direct you straight to
         the RN MP3 this week:

Oz bid for the bomb (final episode):
 Click here

         And finally, another episode of the program Life with Dexter as
         originally aired in the late 1950s on the Oz Macquarie Broadcasting
         Service radio network:

Life with Dexter - Episode 53:
 Click here
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the written stuff to finish off, and this one's from an
       ex-work-colleauge of mine from my days in the elevator industry,
       Luigi:

                                PINCH MY NIPPLES

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.  The clerk told
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming:

"PINCH MY NIPPLES!  PINCH MY NIPPLES!  PINCH MY NIPPLES!" in front of a
growing crowd of customers.  The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store
manager.

The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and the Manager told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed:

"PINCH MY NIPPLES!  PINCH MY NIPPLES!  PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And in doing so, draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says:

"BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And another (quickie) from Biggus ...

                                 DOCTOR DOCTOR

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.  On his next visit
the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath.
As soon as you finish bathing, throw open all the windows and stand in the
draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "but I can cure pneumonia."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


           This one was passed on by Trina - perfect for a Friday:

       THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

       Australians all let us rejoice
       The weekend now is near
       We've worked all bloody week for this
       Dear God let's get a beer.

       Our desks abound in paperwork
       Our hands are stained with ink
       In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
       Advance to Friday drinks!!
       With joyful strains, destroy our brains
       Advance to Friday drinks.

       Beneath our radiant locals sign
       We toil with glass in hand
       To be the one to skull the most
       Fall down, or lose your pants.

       Tequila shots, we'll take the lot
       That guy behind us stinks.
       Beer goggles on, it's time to run
       Go home from Friday drinks.

       Through  rumbo stains and vodka trains
       I'm done with Friday drinks!!!
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And a first (maiden?) submission by Brian "Moses" Harwood, one-time
        inmate of CSIRO FPL (now the site of as a certain casino), who says "I
        don't recall seeing this one in your journal yet and, though a little
        out of date by media standards, I believe the case is still open.
        It's a good poem anyway, so here goes ..."
        Well, we did have it back in Feb, actually, but it is a classic and
        many of our readers probably missed it.  Plus - the verses are more
        nicely laid out in this one!


                       HOWARD OF THE OVERFLOW

I had written him a letter, which I had, for want of better
Knowledge, sent to where I met him at the wheat board, years ago.
He was chairman when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him
Just on spec, to make the point that "Howard doesn't want to know".

And an e-mail came directed, not entirely unexpected
(And I think the same was written in some Middle Eastern bar).
'Twas his CEO who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
"Trevor Flugge's gone to Baghdad, and we don't know where he are.

"But when he left Australia, he was going to meet with Alia,
"A trucking mob in Jordan, who were keen to grease the wheels.
"For 10 percent commission, they could swing Saddam's permission
"To get our wheat accepted; it's the mother of all deals.

"But I guarantee, Prime Minister, that there's nothing at all sinister.
"The chaps at DFAT told us that the sums looked quite okay.
"When you're selling wheat in billions, what's a quick 300 million?
"If it keeps the Nationals happy, it's a tiny price to pay."

Sitting here at Kirribilli, I've been thinking, willy-nilly,
That it's somehow reminiscent of the children overboard:
But I can handle Rudd and Beazley, as I always do, quite easily
By endlessly protesting that there's nothing untoward.

I'll tell Bush next time I meet him at The White House, when I greet him,
That I'm sure he'll understand about the wheat board's quid pro quo.
He'll forgive this minor error in the global war on terror
When I look him in the eye and tell him Howard didn't know.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And something more from the prolific Burnout ...

                                SMOKE ALARM

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a
child she and her father had discussed life after death.  They had agreed
that whomever went first would contact the other.  They had discussed this
again just two weeks before his death.  He died in her home and a few days
after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off.  She had lived there
28 years and it had never gone off before.  She couldn't turn it off so she
called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned
on her.  She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get
it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side.
Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."

The alarm fell silent.  She immediately called her priest to tell him the good
news.

His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he
sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Over to CUB now and this contribution from John the K on bottling
         line B1:

                         TIMETRAVELLER 1.02 JUST RELEASED

Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.0 the popular
computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.

The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not without
problems.  Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with
calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final
a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained,
"and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War.  What key do I push do
get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a
few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore,"
he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "

TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release.
The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been
promised complementary copies of Widows '95.

But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism
from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history
books.  At Senate hearings on Microsoft's domination of the timetravel market,
a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with
what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler.  A Microsoft
representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based
firm are free to time-travellike anyone else with the software. "To suggest
this is some nefarious world controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy,"
the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels."

In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveller
1.02.  Here they are, from the release notes:

* CHECK THE TIME.  When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer
clock is correctly set.  Failure to do this will result in your immediately
ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of
perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.

*WATCH YOUR MOUTH.  Timetraveller uses Billzebub, an occult algorithm developed
in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership.  Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise
invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler.  You'll
be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.

*MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD.  When working with large intervals of time, remember
that there may not be much of an information age at your destination.  It's
important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will
speed you back to the present.  You don't want to end up running around a
tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor
in hot pursuit.

* DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS.  A popular destination for many Time
travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around
the manger.  We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the
innkeeper, and dress appropriately.  There are some alarming passages showing
up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their
heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants".

*BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS.  Remember that these devices may look
like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to 'say cheese'
may result in a broadsword to the head.

*CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of
Pepsi you brought back in time.  Particularly if the can became the religious
centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.

* DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to travel back
with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before.  Do
not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes, or Bill.  Attempts to do any
of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller licence
agreement.  And Microsoft will tell Satan to give you a hotfoot.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And for our last two contributions for yet another week,
         once again it's over to Biggus ...


                                    DAMN!

Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other, " Did you know
lions have sex 10-15 times per night?"

The other guy said "Damn! I just joined Rotary."

                          ----====#===#===#===#----


                     WORSE THAN BIRD FLU AND SARS COMBINED

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.  The disease is contracted through
dangerous and high-risk behaviour.  The disease is called Gonorrhoea Lectim
and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the
previous four years.  Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate
new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept
responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,
uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies
towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease
originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
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[ End Friday humour ]

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