Friday humour - June 09, 2006
Before the funnies try this parachute game sent in by Burnout ...
... this concentration game sent in by ... you know who your are!
First up this week from Foxie Barb
US Oil Shortage
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here
in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, and
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
US Problem Solver
A win win - win situation...
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,
use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans,
and put the Florida alligators into the moat.
Any other problems you would like me to solve?
Burnout sent this stuff our way
Health Care in Oz
Two patients limp into two different Australian medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month, and finally has his
surgery scheduled for a year later. After six months the surgery date is
extended a further twelve months.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever;
The second is a Pensioner.
Letter of Complaint
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment.
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!" (And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
This lot came from Fosters John
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the
casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home,
he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his
address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was
forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had
refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of
charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off
they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other
The Train Carriage
A Cuban, Scot, Kiwi and Aussie were travelling in the same carriage on a
train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up a big fat
cigar. He took one puff of the sought after log and threw it out the
"Why didya goen do that fir?" cried the Scotsman. "T'was a real Cubin
cigar you just threw out the window laddy".
"My country has so many cigars that losing tenfold this amount means
nothing to me. There is plenty more where it came from." returned the
The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities of so
that he could out-do the Cuban. From out of his bag he pulled a brand
new bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and threw the bottle
from the train.
"Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish bastard?"
howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid of."
"Ah young laddy, such whiskey runs like water in my fine country. Losing
even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is plenty more where
it came from".
At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and hurled him from the
Two midgets are at Crown Casino and win the jackpot on the pokies. The
rest of the night they spend some of the money on alcohol, and
eventually go home.
Whilst sitting in the living room at home they both decide to hire a
hooker with the remaining money. Finally this gorgeous blond women
appears at the front door. The first midget goes into the room with her.
They take their clothes off and fall into bed together. However, due to
drinking so much, the first midget cannot perform. Eventually he gives
up and leaves the room and tells the second midget to go into the room.
Later that evening whilst the first midget is in bed he is awoken by
noises in the other room. All he can hear is the second midget with the
prostitute, and voices yelling: "1....2....3.... ahhhhh"
"1.....2.....3....... ahhhhh" "1.....2......3........ ahhhhhhh" The
first midget thinks to himself "Lucky bastard".
The next morning at breakfast the two midgets were talking to each other
about the night before. The first midget said "I am so sad. I couldn't
even get it up."
The second midget said, "Your not as sorry as I am."
"What?" said the first midget, due to hearing the noises the night
The second midget says, "I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
This advice came from Nottingham Smithie
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the
simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started and never finished".
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of biscuits, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those
you feel might be in need of inner peace.
This came from Scott in Minneapolis/St. Paul
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they
would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and
found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch, he tried the TV again but still only found
The next day when he still found only political ads, he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to
only have political ads, but he agreed to send their repairman to check
When the TV repairman turned on the TV, he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while, he went outside to check the
antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to
the manure spreader.
And from Sister Carol
A new pet
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be
more fun if I had a pet. So I went to the pet shop and told the owner
that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally
bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his
I took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided I
would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I
asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's
Head with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit but I waited a few
minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a
drink?" But again there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So I waited a few minutes more thinking about the situation. I decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! would you like to go to
The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box ...
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."
A Nottingham Smithie quickie
The Oakleigh Nut House
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What
is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and offer a
teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
This from Allnutts at Highett
Thoughts on Marriage
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
" A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man ,
to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because
Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
This weeks pics are from Burnout, Swinburne Sue, that Guy in South
Africa, Foxie Barb, Muse, Whizzbang, Barb in SoCal, Allnutts, Magazorch,
Since I love you all so much... I'm sending you this with my whole heart
to help you out!!!!! It's a sacrifice, but you are REALLY worth it!
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
I was feeling a little guilty, knowing how busy you are lately. Knowing
all of the chores you have to get done, work, work, work all the time.
So since I do have the extra "Help", I've decided to Lend you a Few
So Here They are:
Someone to Clean the Back Yard
Straighten Up The Gardens
Sanitize The Pool
Pick Up A Few Things In Town
Rotate Your Tires
Change The Sheets
and last but certainly not least, Scrub the Shower
I hope this helps ease some of your work load. Hell, what are friends
Recorded from 4KQ Classic Hits in Brissie
Click here sense
>From Swinburne Sue
Has anyone seen my cat? This was the last photo taken of him before he
>From Croydon Caz
And this clowns worried about his sore knee!!?
More from Allnutts
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances,
and Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral
in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them
so uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a
cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added some special legs to his barstools which were
the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at
the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered the
bar through the front door with Father McGinty for a cold drink when
they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
Why It is Always Best to Marry In a Church?
Oh what a feeling
Fun with KTU Click here
Hume Highway bingle
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Watching grass grow ...
Bad move Click here
Ma and Pa Kettle Click here
Wife School Click here
Nice thought Click here
Italian BB host
Click here Click here Click here
How small we are
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Like to share? Click here
Octopus Click here
The modern man Click here
Toot Tone Click here
What sex? Click here
Talking cats Click here
If men vacuumed
Performance revue Click here
Fcuk shirt Click here
US borders Click here
Holy Shit! Click here
Out in Toronto Click here
The morning after
More from Nottingham
The Queen and Dubya
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out
to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was
going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and
the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a
ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen
George W, ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something
I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
The return of Dracula
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to
let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around
sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins",
"I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be
reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would
you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing
with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back
to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one
day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God,
feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT
not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with
wings and sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want",
and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until
one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged).
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but, this time you
cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non living
thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy... then turn me into a non living
thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh... heh..
"No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a Tampax
Grand Old Granny
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party
in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and
had all the girls line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's
grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and
she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still
going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
the skin back and suck them dry."
Here's the drill
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes to his father, saying that he
is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises.
A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father askes, "So,
how did the parachute jump go, Son?".
Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the
door. My drill Sgt. comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He
said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to
"do me" with his 12 incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?". "Just a little at first", said
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
Father, Dad, Daddy, Pa, Pops
Long term team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips
to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, endless sports tournaments
in far away cities, and occasional trips to an emergency room. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life: Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must
screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the
best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is
due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is
that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady
answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen...
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge
washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen
some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his
first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another
fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to
know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what
sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon,
and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." David
thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and
still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man
reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you
suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a
bit of human appendix." "Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish
in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left,
willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet
another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to
confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man
An Allnutt quickie
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and
wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,"Genesis
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."
More from Minnesota
Bureaucracy In Action
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on
a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the
stairs and start to climb toward the banana.
2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold
water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same
result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If later another ape tries to climb the
stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The
new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror,
all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he
knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes
it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat
him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why
they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes
which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
Finally from Stonefish
Mario & Serge
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul mouth sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to Spell 'Mississippi.'"
Bet you're gonna read this again!
Quote of the Week:
(When asked where he placed himself on a scale of acceptance of
"I certainly don't think you should give the same status to homosexual
liaisons as you give to marriage, I don't."
The Honorable PM - John Winston
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