Friday humour - June 02, 2006

           G'day,
      Strewth it's cold tonight (I can see my breath outside) - okay Mickus,
      we want our summer back down here!

      It's another large issue this week - too big, really - if you get
      through it all, you'll be doing well.

      Hey - got some letters this week, first one being from Pierre in France
      (Lyon) who brought us up to date with his latest goss *and* added a
      comment on Mad Bob's contribution from last week.  (If you wanna skip
      over this section and get straight to the normal humour, just scroll
      down to the long dotted line further below):
                          ----------------------

"I'm writing to take to task your friend Mad Bob and his thing (Friday Humour
26th May) about what would happen if we did this, etc etc, in Pakistan.
Since I AM a Pakistani, here goes:

> Enter Pakistan ... illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas,
> international law, or any of that nonsense.

Fair enough. You'd not have much trouble, to be honest. Tons of illegal
immigrants every year. The only trouble I suppose would be your white
complexion; to hide that, you'd have to head for the northern areas, where they
are mostly fair of complexion, and mostly illegal immigrants from Afghanistan,
at that. Only trouble is, your Aussie accent would stick out a mile. Best
pretend you're deaf and dumb, mate, and you'll be ok.  Seriously though, the
best bet for a Western foreigner is one of the big cities (Karachi or Lahore).

> Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for
> you and your entire family.

Medical care is only partly free: there are some good free clinics/trauma
centers, and yes, you'd be eligible as anyone to go to them. There isn't any
medical insurance; however, we do have some of the best doctors in the world,
in any field (Quite a few of whom are now working in the Western world,
because they were made a better offer there. If you ever have to go through
some heavy medical problems (brain tumours, etc) chances are the specialist
team that treats you -in YOUR country!- will include a Pakistani!)

> Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government
> forms, bulletins, etc.

(sigh) You'd get them. There's no lack of media in English in Pakistan. You'll
be able to get all your bureaucratic forms in English (some are available ONLY
in English). You've got tons of major newspapers in English. Almost everyone
in the big cities (where you are likely going to be staying) speaks English
to a tolerable degree at least. They won't probably know what "fair dinkum"
means, but even at my old school in Karachi, a teacher taught us to sing
"Waltzing Matilda"...

> Procreate abundantly.

No problem. The locals already do. You'll add to the (bio)diversity of
the landscape.

> Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour
> with, "It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand mate."

You're likely to not get any criticism for being Aussie (you can't help the
way you are, LOL) but in case you do, I'm sure for each person who criticises
you, you'll have 5 who say "hey, he's got the right to live his own way"

> Keep your Australian identity strong.

No problem. Every embassy in town celebrates its country's national day. Yours
will be no exception, and congratulatory messages to your community and
embassy, from higher local authorities such as the province minister, and
possibly even the Prime Minister and President, will be printed in the local
English newspaper.  That's the equivalent of your John Howard congratulating
the Pakistani community in Australia on August 14, the Pakistani Independence
Day!  Think something like that is likely to ever happen?!

> Fly the your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your
> front window or on your car bumper.

Again, no problem. Most people in the city will be charmed to see that
you're an Aussie, and are likely to accost you to chat with you. On the
other hand, some fool of a fanatic may decide to blow you away with a
machine gun. As can happen in the other sense, in the western world:
 Click here

> Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children
> do likewise.

You'll have no problem. In the big cities, there are a ton of families whose
children speak mostly English at home, to the despair of their parents.

> Demand classes on English and Australian culture in the Muslim school system.

That might be difficult to achieve. You'd have some chapters of British
history, considering we were once colonized, but our history books
are almost completely biased balderdash, anyway. Why bother?  Instead,
register your children in the local American School, where they'll get all
the American culture they need. Join the local British Council, which is a
superb source of culture in English (they were a major reason that I love
Shakespeare). Aussie culture may be a bit harder to find, but hey, badger
your embassy to set up more exhibitions or conferences. (Like the one they
did some years ago, when I was there, advertising Australian Universities
to prospective Pakistani students!)

> Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights
> and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in
> Pakistan...

Hmm, you won't need one. If you have an international permit on your Australian
driver's license, you're covered. In fact, your Aussie license is worthy of
a lot more respect than the usual Pakistani one.  As to your legal rights,
you'd be surprised much you will be preferred to the locals! Check out the
housing classified section sometime in your local Pakistani English newspaper
where you'll find a lot of: "Excellent flat offer...open to foreign passport
holders only". I'm not kidding.

> Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

Hmm, dunno if insurance will help you much. If you hit someone's car, you'll
probably get away with it if you know how to argue, and have friends in high
places. As to ignoring local traffic laws: NO PROBLEM!  Everyone ignores
them more or less, except for the bare minimum of survival (letting traffic
move in all directions, etc).  Sometimes they're ignored even for safety's
sake. For instance, if you were in a European city at 3 am, with hardly any
cars around, you'd probably still stop at traffic lights, because it's the
right thing to do! But you must NEVER do that in a Pakistani city, because
if you stop your car at a traffic light in that sort of lonely area and hour,
you're likely to get held up at gunpoint and robbed of all you have!

> Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its
> officers.

Most of them do speak English, even if it's rudimentary. Your local constable
probably won't understand you, but his senior officer will.  The current
Assistant Superintendent of Police has a degree in law from the UK, so if
you want to go higher up, I'm sure somebody will be able to understand that
Aussie accent, mate.

>  Good luck! You'll soon be dead.  Because it will never happen in Pakistan
>  ... except right here in Australia.

Good luck indeed. It does happen. A lot of Americans, Britishers, and
Aussies have been to Pakistan and have enjoyed living there. And not
terribly far in the distant past either. As a parting shot:
 Click here "

                              ----------------------


         And this quick letter (from Sloth):

"G'day Ed/Bluehaze/Whatever you prefer to be called!

Your mate who submitted the "Bill Gates speech" should look at the numerous
websites that say it's a great urban myth. They actually came from a
book by a bloke named Charles Sykes. Have  Captain Cook at one of them:
 Click here "

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - to the humour.  First up, from the factory of bubble and
         froth, one from CUB John:

                        CRICKET'S GREATEST SLEDGES

1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh
welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife &
my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket,
Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate
him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes):
"Hey Eddo, why are you so Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I bang your
wife, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith
after he played & missed:"You can't f***ing bat". Smith to Hughes after he
smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing
bat & you can't f***ing bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv
a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please",
Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me.
In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him
he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*** off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for
a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You
don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c***!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted
by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you
doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO :
"Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*** taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."  McGrath (losing it): "If you ever
f***ing mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to
the crease playing & missing the first ball.  Mark "Ohh, I remember you from a
couple years ago in Australia. You were s**t then, you're f***ing useless now".
Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going
out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c***".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman
Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out
of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of
his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up,"Put a Mars Bar on a
good length. That should do it."

12. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a
couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am
I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

13. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,
and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word.  At the end
of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've
kept my legs together, Fred".  "So should your mother" he replied.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from Tim over in WA (West Oz to our overseas listeners :-)

                              USEFUL INSULTS

You make microbial organisms look sophisticated

God made you on a Monday morning ... with a hangover.

You are one chromosome short of a full nucleotide

I wouldn't even trust you to empty my garbage

You couldn't organise a suicide bombing in an explosives factory

If Einstein ever met you, he would have choked in disgust, and developed a
new theory of stupidity:

- For every idiot, there is an equal and equivilent idiot.
- Stupidity cannot be destroyed, it simply moves from one idiot to another.
- A slow-travelling retard moving close to the speed of ignoramity cannot be
  accelerated to, or put faster than, the speed of intelligence, regardless
  of how many words we insult that person with.
- The relativistic intelligence of a person is expressed as a function of
  their relative education level.

You make George Bush appear intelligent

You are one neuron short of a synapse

You get kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents, and get released when they realise
Australia actually supports your execution.

You're one packet short of a protocol

One transistor short of a semiconductor

One bit short of a byte

I wouldn't even trust you to clean my toilet

You couldn't organize a riot on the Gaza strip

You're one public inquiry short of a Monika Lewinski scandal

God started creating you on Friday afternoon but left early for drinks.

When you were born, the doctor thought you were afterbirth and dropped you
in the bin. Somehow you managed to crawl out.

When your pregnant mother had acupuncture, they stuck the needles in too far

You couldn't organise a coke party in Columbia

You're one update short of a complete service pack

One AND statement short of a full instruction set

One bug short of a Windows operating system
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              Now for a couple from Burnout:

                                    DITTIES

    There was a young Parson named Bings
    Who talked about God and such things,
    But his secret desire was a boy in the choir,
    Who had a bum like a jelly on springs.

    There was a Bobby from Nottingham Junction,
    Who's organ had long ceased to function,
    He deceived his good wife, for the rest of her life,
    With the aide of his Constables Truncheon.

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                        POWER OUTAGE DURING MAMMOGRAM
          (from an original work by Georgia Richardson - Click here )


I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her
head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room
right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.  Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science". Belinda skipped
away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man
invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a
size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and
spice and everything nice....it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into
shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad
so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use
the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?  My body was
in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between
those two pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete
darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.  "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag" Belinda
headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I
shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy . the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back!."

Before I could shout , "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance "en extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and
part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between
glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?"  type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been
standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, your Honour, is how her head ended up between the clamps.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Just before the pics and bits, here are 3 quick ones I found
         on a web site archive last week:


                        THERE'S A HAIR IN MY ...

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the
waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's
a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress,
"Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees
the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says,
"That's disgusting!"

The waitress says, "You think that's disgusting?  You should see him make
doughnuts."

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                 "DOCTOR, DOCTOR - GIVE ME NEWS" NUMBER 1 ...

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"

Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."

"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.

"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh well, that's not so bad. At least I
don't have AIDS."

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                       MY DOG'S SMARTER THAN YOURS

Two women dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.

First Woman : "My dog is *so* smart that every morning, he waits for the paper
boy to come around, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."

Second Woman : "I know!"

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                               MULTIMEDIA

      Okay - to the pics and things for this week, and you've outdone
      yourselves yet again. This first one arrived during Davo's FH week
      (ie: last week) and somehow it missed the tram, so here it is now.
      Not sure who sent it, so ... from anon:

You f___ing idiot (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      And here's yet another Burnout collection:

Will it be the cat or the husband?
 Click here
When 2 people do the same thing ... (X-rated)(M$ PPT slideshow):
 Click here
Increasing fuel prices means ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Would you play twister with this guy?
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      These pics were passed on by Croydon Caz over in the UK - and it's

Another nice collection of animal pics (M$ PPT slideshow):
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      Kev VK3ZI passed this on (and then so did Whizzbang and Burnout):

A surprise sunrise on Oz Channel 7:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      Over to London (Canada) now and this great collection from Muse:

NZ finally sold:
 Click here
Been married too long (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Oral sex:
 Click here
Never take candy from a stranger:
 Click here
Recent Dilbert:
 Click here
Lazy union labourers ...
 Click here
More body painting, in Holland - nice:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
The Grim Reaper is coming to get you ... (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
A cartoon collection:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
                          ----------------------

       This link was forwarded on by IsK:

The Yanks are in the Shyte again (will we ever *not* have things to
laugh at them about?):
Watch where you do it:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      Pooley passed this one on for you breast-lovers out there ...
World's biggest breasts (X-Rated) (MPG movie clip):
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      And from Eric in his African tree:
Sand castles a la superbe:
 Click here
And "Here are some magnificent rainbow photos, including a very rare photo
of a double rainbow with both ends showing.  The photographer also managed
to snap close by to the end of a rainbow. Was the Pot o' Gold found? Well,
you'll just have to go look for yourself":
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      Whizzbang reckoned you might enjoy this lot:
Some more car stickers you might enjoy having:
 Click here
Evolution:
 Click here
The paradox of our times (bit soppy, perhaps) - M$ PPT slideshow:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      This is one I came across during the week, and I was gonna put it
      in the 'editorial' but that's already large this week so I've left
      it in here.  It's perfectly serious but most intriguing!  I'm now
      sitting here with a 9 volt battery and two saline pads on my head
      and - *wow* - the humour's getting done so *quickly* this week!

Trans-cranial DC stimulation:
 Click here

      And I saw this in our car-park at work this arvo and figured "Yep -
      that's a car-sticker with a uniquely Oz flavour" so I grabbed a
      quick pic of it for you - hot off the press:
This sticker says it all:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      Oli the Madsen sent these over - she wants to find where she
      buy some too (I reckon that's an opportuntity, actually :-)
Buttons that I want:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      And from the CHBM (Castle Hill Books mob) in the UK:
Wedding photo:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      Sunny southern Californian Barb is a new contributer as of this
      week (so welcome to the insanity and depravity, Barb) - she sent
      a bundle of stuff in as well:
Nice truck! (M$ PPT slideshow):
 Click here
Where's Bin Laden ... maybe he's in disguise somewhere?
 Click here
Guess the face! (M$ PPT slideshow):
 Click here
How to get a cow jealous (X-Rated) (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Wife School (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Ma and Pa Kettle - Arithmetic (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      And from out sister humour list out west of here, it's more Star Wars:

The missing scene from Episode 4:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      This one from Zorro, who writes "I've been raping and pillaging Friday
Humour for about 2 years now and what an excellent resource it is for forums.
Ever wondered about all those stories involving girls and horses?   Well,
they're all true. It's no wonder us blokes like cars."

A Horse, a Girl ... and it's real dirty:
 Click here
                          ----------------------

      And from Andrew (at work) - "Interesting use of linux. It's all
      about the bovines" Click here
                          ----------------------

                         VARIOUS AUDIO-ONLY BYTES

       First up this week, part 2 of that interesting "History of Oz
       Unionism".  You'll find this MP3 on the Oz ABC RN web site, btw:

History of Unionism in Oz, part 2 of 2 (MP3 audio):
 Click here

       I hadn't quite realised the extent to which Oz was involved with
       the "Cold War", or the extent of our involvement with America and
       the UK and the atom bomb back in the 1950s.  And certainly not
       the fact that a CSIRO scientist was sacked for attending a
       communist rally!  Again, you'll also find this on the Oz ABC RN
       web site:

The Cold War - and Oz and UK bid for the atom bomb (MP3 audio):
 Click here

       This next one (also from Oz RN) is a discussion with Brigadier General
       (forcibly retired) Janis Karpinski, who became the fall-guy for the Ab
       Ghraib prison scandal.  The interest here isn't merely in what she has
       to say about her own part in the saga (although that is fascinating),
       but rather what she has to say about the backroom dealings in the
       White House and the Pentagon ...

Janis Karpinski - (forcibly) retired commander of Abu Ghraib in Iraq.  Sexism
at its most rampant:
 Click here

       Senator Heffernan (and a few other Oz Govt backbenchers) don't believe
       that we should sell our Snowy River Scheme.  Seems that even some Govt
       members are wondering if it's such a good idea to put our water
       supplies into overseas private hands.  Sanity at last?  Again, this
       one's from Oz RN:

The National Interest - Selling off our Snowy Scheme:
 Click here

                           NOVELTY MUSIC TRACKS

       And to finish, another sample of some of Kevin 3ZI's vinyl collection.
       First two are from a 12 inch Fable vinyl LP and - hey - what a
       coincidence, I got an email this week from a guy up north who tells
       me that the owner of Fable (Ron Tudor) is now 83 not out and living
       near him.  Anyway, Fable (a local Melbourne label) did put out some
       classic Oz stuff in their time and here are a couple of samples:

Gimme dat ding by Frankie Davidson (MP3 audio):
 Click here

Old man emu by John Williamson (MP3 audio):
 Click here

       And (also from Kevin's collection) - one for all you Melbourne (Oz)
       Graham Kennedy fans.  As TV's most popular compere, Graham was so
       influential that at one point he went off and made a record singing
       some of his favourite songs from Broadway musicals.  He collected
       this material avidly all his life, and altho he couldn't sing for
       nuts, his local popularity guaranteed the record's success.  My real
       reason for including this one is more for the final 15 seconds where
       the band breaks out into the "IMT" theme ... :-)

If you could see her - by Graham Kennedy (MP3 audio):
 Click here

       And finally, another episode of that ancient Oz radio series "Life
       With Dexter" (recorded at 2GB around 50 years ago):

LWD Episode 48 (MP3 audio):
 Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay, that's all the multimedia for this week - back to the plain
       ASCII type-written stuff to finish off.  First up, a few more that
       I found by accident digging around the net last week:


                           MY DOG JUST KILLED YOURS

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing
his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied
outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through
the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little
man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                  "DOCTOR, DOCTOR - GIVE ME NEWS" NUMBER 2 ...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete
check-up.  Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying,
and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what?  Months?  Weeks?  What?!"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine ..."

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                             GREAT NEW PILL

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't
do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and
told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact, he beat the alarm in the morning. He had a
leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                                  LIAR

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he
asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to
drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge
got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river - look, my
suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's
helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here
piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                               THE BIG SALE

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising
in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by
8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to
the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked
around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line,
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

                         ----====#===#===#===#----


                                WON'T BUDGE

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the
usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.  In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly
then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied "The balcony."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        "Odd spot" from the Melbourne Age newspaper, Sat May 20, 2006:

Volunteers clearing litter on top of Britain's highest mountain have found
a piano. They are trying to find out who carried the heavy instrument up Ben
Nevis in Scotland. The only clue is a biscuit wrapper stamped with a use-by
date of December 1986, found under the piano.

  [ shades of The Goons, hmmm ...? ]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now for one from TBFXRD (The Bitch From XRD ... aka Nicki) - a
         classic, this one ...

                               QUIZ SHOW MORONS

It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined
not to be helped. They must have been born and raised in a deep mineshaft
and only brought out for these shows!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were
written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G,
revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
initials GBS?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

FAMILY FORTUNES
01) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
02) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
03) Name the capital of France? - F
04) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
05) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
06) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
07) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
08) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
09) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30 ) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera.
True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American
TV show, so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Finally for this week, from Whizzbang, a short news item from
        back in January ...

                        I CAN BOOK BETTER THAN YOU ...

Melrose Drive, Tullamarine, Victoria - January 16, 2006

Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover inspector for doing 68km/h in a
60km/h zone.

Workcover inspector says nothing and cops the $120 fine sweet.

Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back to his car.

Workcover inspector gets digital camera out of bag, photographs the cop, and
proceeds to the police car and issues the policeman with an $800 fine for not
wearing his hi-visibility vest when leaving his vehicle in a high-traffic area.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

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