Friday humour - May 26, 2006

G'day



Here's another mixed bag of assortments.  Completely free, and on time!



Keep sending your stuff to  ...  fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au



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First up this week is UK Croydon Caz

                                Rules for Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and=
 two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the=
 balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners a=
re permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to =
the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner =
is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied =
permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriva=
l. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course,=
 paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are =
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners hav=
e been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times.=
 Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repai=
r. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More adva=
nced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly =
when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been know=
n to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consid=
ered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which=
 may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting=
 to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at =
a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the s=
ame hole several times in one match.


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And from Burnout

                         The History of the Middle Finger.

Well, now...... here's something I never knew before, and now that I know i=
t, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hop=
e that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know s=
omething about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov=
er the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured Engli=
sh soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the r=
enowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting i=
n the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Ye=
w tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" =
(or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a=
 major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at=
 the defeated French, saying,

See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant clust=
er at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', a=
nd thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It =
is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbo=
w that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing


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A quickie from Whizzbang

                                  State of the Union

Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her: "J=
ust so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on s=
ome machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the p=
lug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

What a Bitch !


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Hmmmmm.   I think this is a joke.  It came from Mad Bob of Sydney

                                 Try this - I dare you!

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq illegally. Never m=
ind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for =
you and your entire family.

Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government=
 forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviou=
r with, "It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand mate."

Keep your Australian identity strong.

Fly the your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your=
 front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do l=
ikewise.

Demand classes on English and Australian culture in the Muslim school syste=
m.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights =
and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakis=
tan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officer=
s.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

Because it will never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia =
or Iraq or any other country in the world except right here in Australia.

For we are run by soft, politically correct politicians, that are too scare=
d to "offend" anyone.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesi=
a, Malaysia or Iraq.


[Editor's Note:  I'm not sure this works in Iraq Bob.  In 2003 many illegal=
 Australians entered Iraq, and only Iraqis seem to continue dying as a resu=
lt ... except for one legal press guy and an illegal entrant who shot himse=
lf with his own gun.  - Ed.]


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This came from Allnutts over at Highett

                               A rabbit walks into a pub

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a Pint of beer=
 and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit =
a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and=
 eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer an=
d a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the=
 extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the p=
int and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of =
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as t=
he barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applaus=
e as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been la=
id on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money =
in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pin=
t of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepti=
ng the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate=
, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rab=
bit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the bar=
man clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese an=
d Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I=
 will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The bar=
man, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of m=
y best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a =
Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toas=
tie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

=2E.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has on=
ly served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cle=
aning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above th=
e bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the gh=
ost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says=
, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and ha=
ve a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and =
this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I r=
emember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you=
 had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me =
that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?=
"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from". After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".


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This selection came from Smithie of Nottingham

                                    Old Dog New tricks

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her fa=
ithful but aged dog named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and before long, she discovers t=
hat she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in h=
er direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, "Oh, man, I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to=
 chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopar=
d is about to leap, Cuddles exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious l=
eopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of t=
error comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the l=
eopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tre=
e, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protectio=
n from the leopard. So off he goes, but Cuddles sees him heading after the =
leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey=
 soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for =
himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool=
 of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen =
to that conniving canine!"

Now, the wise old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back a=
nd thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog si=
ts down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet=
, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old girl says: "Where's =
that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Morals of this story.. Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will =
always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age=
 and experience!


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                                The thorn and the rose

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a =
show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says=
 "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a bea=
utiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is=
 made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him ha=
rd across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose on the internet last night and it said =
"Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garde=
n wall."


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                                    The Scotsman's Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of a=
ge" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks b=
efore his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found t=
he material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailo=
r and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if =
ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. =
I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the=
 order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to th=
e shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five =
yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it =
in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and =
donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's h=
ouse to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he for=
got to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "we=
ll, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as=
 he lifted his kilt to show her.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite=
 proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"


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                                     CONFUCIUS SAY

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in=
 girl.

Those who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Learn to masturbate...come in handy.


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                                       Do the maths

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the=
 school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After =
the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straig=
ht into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried =
about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting a=
t his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the=
 year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives=
 it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about l=
earning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walk=
ed into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of t=
he room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."


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                            Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?


Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline l=
eft -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One=
 Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will d=
rop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...=
=2E....
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush                   Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

Barbara: "I think I know who it.. but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a c=
lue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I h=
ave Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your h=
elp to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll r=
ead you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and=
 you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest=
? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple..... It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, =
Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara..... you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ... you're righ=
t! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have be=
en a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands to=
gether for Barbara."
(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar=
 for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their champagne, Barbara =
turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know th=
at it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."


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                                     The mammogram

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!=
" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to o=
ne side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right her=
e, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.  Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science". Belinda skip=
ped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a =
man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to=
 a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar a=
nd spice and everything nice.... it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled =
and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back int=
o shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left an=
d said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we ca=
n get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use t=
he remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was=
 in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged betwee=
n those two pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complet=
e darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag" Belinda headed for the do=
or.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I shouted. =
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy . the door's wide open so=
 you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back!."

Before I could shout , "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bub=
ba and Earl, maintenance "en extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part =
of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part mashed between glas=
s!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Bubba (or pos=
sibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible=
=2E "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been s=
tanding in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no a=
ttempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry The power =
came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.=
 Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.=
=2E......


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This weeks pics are from Burnout, Whizzbang, Ty T, Croydon Caz, Muse aka Zo=
phia, Cartographer Chris, Swinburne Sue, Smithie of Nottingham, Eric's tree=
top, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Little Di, and you know who you are ...


>From Whizzbang Pooley

As you know, during Katrina there were many difficulties evacuating people =
out of New Orleans quickly. FEMA has solved the problem and is proud to int=
roduce the Rapid Evacuation Vehicle..... or R. E. V. for short. A fleet of =
these vehicles will be arriving just in time for hurricane season.
 Click here


>From Swinburne Sue

Admit it . . you feel like doing this to at least one person every day.
 Click here


>From Eric's treetop in South Afrtica

THE BIRTH OF A HUMMINGBIRD....

This is truly amazing. Be sure to click on NEXT PAGE at the bottom of each =
page; there are 5 pages in all. A lady found a hummingbird nest and got pic=
tures all the way from the egg to leaving the nest. Took 24 days from birth=
 to flight. Because you'll probably never in your lifetime see this again, =
enjoy; and please share....
 Click here


Burnout's bad day collection
 Click here Click here Click here


Heels of time Click here


Hard test - not in English! Click here
ertest.pps


Pic of the week Click here


Retirement calculator Click here
lculator11.xls


Female/Shemale Click here
t


Something in the air Click here


Talking sex Click here


Slingshot parachute Click here
huting.wmv


The human brain Click here
t


Respect Click here


G-string envy Click here


Shark attack Click here


Blackboard drawing Click here
ng.pps


Mobile-Pnone-Man Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Faulty mouse Click here


Scotish wife Click here


710 caps Click here


Walkies Click here


New number Click here


Steelcaps Click here


Soccer tactics Click here
=2Epps


Who let them out? Click here
ge.pps


Rush hour Click here


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This came from Swinburne Sue

                              Winter...

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of northern Australia ask=
ed their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since=
 he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old sec=
rets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going =
to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that th=
e winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe shou=
ld collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked =
out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology=
 and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteo=
rologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." =
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more woo=
d in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look=
 like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replie=
d, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to=
 his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they cou=
ld find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure=
 that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man=
 replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the col=
dest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked. The weatherm=
an replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood=
 like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."


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Here's a quickie from Consumer Tim

                         Here is the News

Staff working on the WA City Rail Project have found ancient indigenous rem=
ains underground around the Esplanade convention centre, Perth. Forensics d=
id onsite tests, and detected cow bones. Police later cautioned the remains=
 with a moo von notice.


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And from Burnout (IN BEAUTIFUL SHRIEKING CAPS!)

                           SON-IN-LAW

CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT W=
ITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS =
THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND =
LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER S=
IDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAU=
GHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE W=
AS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THIN=
G IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAV=
E ME ALONE."

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE =
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF AL=
L PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON =
THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEX=
T TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED 'WHAT THE HELL AR=
E YOU

DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED ..................

     wait for it


"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW"


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And some advice from Burnout


Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit tha=
t this one is serious. Please protect everyone you know by sending this to =
your entire email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey a=
nd asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum - it is a scam=
=2E  They only want to see your bum!!

I wish I'd been sent this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.


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More from Mad Bob

                       An ANZAC kinda thing

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand =
this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing=
, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it =
has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick=
 to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped=
 victims. The USA is flying in food supplies and money. France is flying in=
 doctors, nurses and first aid units. Japan is flying in high tech communic=
ations equipment. Germany is flying in special trained police squads to hel=
p restore order. Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.


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This from Zofia (aka Muse from Canada)

Forget the Heimlich Maneuver

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a qu=
arter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father=
 realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting =
for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business sui=
t is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffe=
e. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, n=
eatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her se=
at and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the bo=
y's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then eve=
r so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up =
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the=
 boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to =
her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father =
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen a=
nybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".


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And from Nottingham Smithie

         SPEECH BY BILL GATES to some students in a school

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyon=
e with children of any age, here's some good advice.

Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not =
and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically cor=
rect teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and =
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect =
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won'=
t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had=
 a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about =
your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are no=
w. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and list=
ening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save t=
he rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousin=
g the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HA=
S NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give=
 you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear t=
he slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and v=
ery few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on y=
our own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to =
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

If you agree, pass it on.

Life is what we make it. Always has been. Always will be.


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These came from Fosters John

          Three Alzheimer's patients walk in to a doctor's office.

The doctor calls in the first one, and asked bunch of info about himself. T=
hen he asked him, "OK, what's 5 plus 5?" He answers,

"That's easy...37." The doctor says ok and tells him to send in the next pa=
tient.

He comes in a minute later. The doctor asks him all of his info. Then he as=
ks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"

He answers, "Simple... Thursday." The doctor nods and tells him to send in =
the final patient.

He comes in and sits down. The doctor asks him all of his personal info. Th=
en he also asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"

He answers, " Man, that's easy... it's 10."

The doctor says, "That's good, now how did you get that?"

The patient said, " Well, I just subtracted 37 from Thursday."


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                                      New neighbour

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be mo=
ving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reason=
ing"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out =
back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you ha=
ve a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heteros=
exual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to t=
hat new new guy who moved in next door.
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Faggot!"


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And from Minnesota Scott

The Cowboy and the Yuppie:

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenl=
y a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man :cool: in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sungl=
asses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will=
 you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful=
ly grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it=
 to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, compute:=
 where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on=
 his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the =
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to =
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receiv=
es an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the da=
ta stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected exc=
el spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, rece=
ives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech miniatu=
rized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowbo=
y.

He watches the young man selects one of the animals and looks on amused as =
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,  "Hey, if I can tell you exactly wha=
t your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Federal Government." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even thoug=
h nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to =
a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you=
 are; and you don't know a damn thing about Cattle. Now give me back my dog=
=2E


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And from Trina

           Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The
                Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

 3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

 4. "Howdy, pardner."

 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

 6. Two words:  "Saddle Sore."

 7. "Hold it right there!  Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

 8. "Let's mount up!"

 9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

 10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

 11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"


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Finally a post I found on the Oz radio newsgroup

                     Defence Force Mislays Brendan Nelson

The defence department admitted that it has mislaid Brendan Nelson, who was=
 to apologise for losing the report about how they mislaid the body of Priv=
ate Jake Kovco. Defence officials said that Brendan Nelson was driven to th=
e press conference by a private contracting business based in Kuwait. Attem=
pts to contact the business failed when the department lost the phone numbe=
r.

The damning missing report indicates that Australian casualties in Iraq are=
 so low because our troops were inadvertently delivered to Derryn Hinch, wh=
o is using them to boost his radio ratings.

John Howard, meanwhile, is in America undergoing plastic surgery, after Pre=
sident Bush called a press conference to declare that the Australian leader=
 had a face like the arse end of a camel. The remark was picked up later in=
 the day by Rupert Murdoch who said Howard should have quit when he was a h=
ead!

Later the two leaders discussed ways to reduce the escalating death rate in=
 Iraq, ultimately agreeing on speed cameras, 40k zones outside schools, fla=
gs on the beaches, a late night curfew for P-platers and closing all gold m=
ines.

A spokesperson from the defence department was unavailable for comment last=
 night after failing to find his way back from lunch.


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Quote of the week:


                   "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."


                                            - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821=
)



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