Friday humour - May 19, 2006


            G'day again,
      For some reason, this week's collection seems to have turned out to be
      unusually large, but I doubt that it'll implode anyone's mail box so
      what the heck.  But before we start, a correction to the Koran (Qu'ran)
      extract that we passed on last week.  Apparently it's a hoax!

      The "quote" we had was: Koran ( 9:11) - For it is written that a son
      of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would
      be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people
      trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle
      cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace."

    From Ian in South Africa:
       ------------------------------
      "Not actually... sura 9 verse 11 mumbles about prayers and charity,
       not invading eagles. In fact, the word 'eagle' is not even in the index
       (standard version by A. Yusaf Ali)"
       ------------------------------

    And from Reza:
       ------------------------------
      " ... Here is the correct one, translated by 3 translators, taken from
      Click here or

      Click here

      009.011
      YUSUFALI: But (even so), if they repent, establish regular prayers,
      and practise regular charity,- they are your brethren in Faith: (thus)
      do We explain the Signs in detail, for those who understand.

      PICKTHAL: But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due,
      then are they your brethren in religion. We detail Our revelations
      for a people who have knowledge.

      SHAKIR: But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate,
      they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear
      for a people who know."
       ------------------------------

    So there you go.  I do vaguely remember seeing that bogus one floating
    around the 'net a few years ago (and no doubt it'll continue turning
    up for years to come).  Anyway, now you've seen the the real one - from
    3 translators, no less.  So thanks, guys - interesting.

    To the humour then - and first up, part of a large collection as passed
    on by Whizzbang:
                         -------------------------

                       THE WHIZZBANG COLLECTION PART 1

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go
to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter
in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it,
so he asked her "Do you want a screw for that hinge?"

She looked back at him and said "No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in
the window."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super
models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces, "We
have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash
landing, assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls
out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and
Cindy ask, "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are
about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds, "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for,
and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces...which is why I
am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh
which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your
senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are
about to die!"

Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue
workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts... which is
why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose
her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi... Are you
crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds, "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing
the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a
last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager,
"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These
two geezers are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care
of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl
was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was making love to her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a
little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                   A GIRL'S FIRST TIME (repeat, but funny)

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while
searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches
you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more
experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like
he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done
this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for
an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly
takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he
presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges
throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he
continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him
to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb
to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls
it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and
smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most
stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to
have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have
mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $60 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory
cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $65."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.  Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you
might expect things start to heat up.  The guy remembers that his little
brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce"
if she wants it harder, and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce...

Lettuce...

Lettuce...

Tomato...

Lettuce!

Lettuce!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Lettuce!!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches
up there!  You're getting mayo all over my face!

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers
from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs,and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old
daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

A man with a speech impediment goes to town to buy some stuff.

First he goes to a hardware store. "I'd like to buy a fucket," he says to
the store clerk.

"A what?" the store clerk asks.

"A fucket"

"Ohhh you mean a bucket," the clerk replies. So he sells him the bucket.

Then the guy goes to an alcohol store and asks to buy some "bum."

"Some what?" the store clerk asks.

"Bum!"... "Ohhh you mean some rum," the clerk replies. So he sells him the rum.

Then he goes into a pet store and says to the clerk,"I'd like to buy a cock
and spank it".

"A what?" the clerk asks.

"A cock and spank it," the man replies.

"Ohhh u mean a cocker spaniel," the clerk says. So the man gets the dog and
leaves the store.

As he's leaving the dog runs away, so he turns to a woman on the street and
says, "Hold my bum and fuck it while I grab my cock and spank it!"

   (And I challenge you to remember *that* one for your next BBQ :-)

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

   (And we had this one back in 1999, but well worth a repeat)


A young man moved into a new flat and went to the reception area to put
his name on his letterbox.

While there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe came out of the
apartment next to the letterboxes.

The boy smiled at the young woman; and, she started a conversation with him. As
they talked, her robe slipped open; and, it was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor young man broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my flat, I think I can hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred
at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"  Embarrassed, he finally
squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at my breasts,
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My bottom is firm and
solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears? "

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker
and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you.

There was a young man from Pitlochry,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said look you've cum,
all over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.

There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

There was a young plumber from Lee,
who was plumbing his girl with great glee,
she said stop your plumbing,
I think someones coming,
said the plumber still plumbing "it's me"!

A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Now to one forwarded on by Darwin Jon ...

            THE POWER OF POSITIVE THOUGHT AND MILITARY INTELLIGENCE

Back in the 70's a guy named Zimmerman was drafted into the army. In the
military a lot of things are done alphabetically and so poor old Zimmerman
got the uniform that didn't quite fit properly as he was at the end of the
line. This happened a bit and when the time came for weapon training he got
to the counter only to find that there were no rifles left. The armourer
cut one out of stiff cardboard and gave it to him, with the instructions
"Aim at the target and call out bang, shoot shoot."

On the rifle range Zimmerman tried this and to his surprise the targets all
went to God. The next items issued was bayonets and of course they had run
out of these also. A cardboard one was supplies and sticky taped to the end
of his cardboard gun. The instructions this time where run up to the dummy
and poke it saying stab, kill kill. To Zimmerman's amazement straw stuffing
went everywhere.

Well they sent poor Zimmerman of to fight the Commies in Vietnam and he served
with bravery and valour, until one day his unit was engaged in a heavy fire
fight in open grassland. Zimmerman was popping off the enemy left, right
and centre, when he saw four North Vietnam regulars walking toward him two
in front and two behind. He took aim with his trusty cardboard gun and let
out a rousing bang bang, shoot shoot, but to no avail.

He tried again bang bang, shoot shoot, but not a thing. As they got closer
to him he leapt up and engaged them with the cardboard bayonet, stab stab,
kill kill, stab stab, kill kill, he cried out, but still they came, trampling
him to the ground. As they passed over him, he heard them all chanting
"Tank tank, tank, tank"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And just before the pics - over to CUB and this quickie from
        John the K:

                               IMPRESSED

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous
blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got
into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next
to my new laptop."

"Really?  You got a new laptop?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Okay - here are the pics that have been sent in for this week, and
       thanks again to everyone!  First up, from Whizzbang:

New XPpro screensavers - somewhat X-rated (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Solid Gold Tassie Rock:
 Click here
Misc pics (M$ PPT):
 Click here
Work shoes for hot climates:
 Click here
He's MAD:
 Click here
A tennis challenge for you:
 Click here
                           -------------------------

       And this collection from Burnout:

Killer quiz: Click here
Air-conditioner specs:
 Click here
Would you pay extra for full driveway service?
 Click here
Another interesting intersection (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Unlicenced builders (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Face flip (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Bad dive (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Blading along the gutter (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Wonderful wheelie (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
More burnout pics (with some new T-shirts) (M$ PPT):
 Click here
New British effort to disuade asylum seekers:
 Click here
(Oz only) Tax calculator (M$ Excel):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        And over to Observatory in Cape Town (SA) now, and a couple from
        Trevor (Lord and master of none) ...

Harley demotivator:
 Click here
Despair:
 Click here
Or check out the latest at the despair site itself:
 Click here

     "And a nice pict of Cape Town from Lion's head. I always moan about
      climbing up there. It takes an hour, but the view is awesome everytime"
 Click here
                           -------------------------


        This PPT collection arrived from Moonboot ...

Various moonboot pics (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        And from Croydon Caz, a cartoon collection:

Cartoons:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           -------------------------

        This one from UK Beth - she wants to visit this doctor ...

Doctor, doctor - give me the news ...!
 Click here
 .... hey, remember that song by Robert Palmer?
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        These from Muse over in Canada ...

Dumped (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Tick-shot kid (incredible) (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
RocknRoll for ever (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        John from DET sent these over:

Where's Wendel:
 Click here
Oz super group:
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        And from Maria:

Leopard attack - not nice (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
No James Bond, these guys (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        From Martin L, this amazing one:

Snorting Wasabi - like Chilli but hotter (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        Captain Ron was surfing and he saw this weird pyramid ...

Strange pyramid (X-rated):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        And from Digi Steve - a case of ...

Too many horses (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        Brett, our storeman, just found the first pics of ...

Our trapped Tassie miners (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

        And in the same vein (lol) - from Anne n Pete ...

New T-shirt: Click here
                           -------------------------

        Maayan (also in Obs) posted this over ...

Even more cute animal pics (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           -------------------------

                           AUDIO BYTES - DOCO, MUSIC ...

        Okay, some more audio bytes for those odd hours now.  First up,
        it's an episode from an ancient Oz radio series called "Life with
        Dexter", originally broadcast on the Oz commercial MBS network -
        2GB, 3AW and so on ...

Life With Dexter (MP3 audio clip):
 Click here

        And from Oz Radio National, part 1 of a 2 part series on the history
        of Oz unionism ... this goes right back in time!

Oz unionism part 1 of 2 (MP3 audio clip):
 Click here

        A small fragment from an Oz commercial radio serial from way back -
        Superman (also broadcast on the MBS network) ...

Oz Superman serial (MP3 audio clip):
 Click here

        Finally, a couple more silly novelty singles from the 70s from
        Kevin VK3ZI's vinyl 45s collection ...

Heartbreak Hotel - Vince Butchelli aka Ric Melbourne (MP3 audio clip):
 Click here
I like onions - Suzan Christie (MP3 audio clip):
 Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - now back to CUB again and a few more as passed on by John:


         FORTY THINGS THAT ONLY A KID GROWING UP GREEK WOULD KNOW

01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an
entire year after a funeral. If it was their child, they wore black forever.

02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was
pronounced "semitsa."

03. Your family dog understood Greek.

04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your
grandparents and extended family and eating avgolemono soup with roasted
chicken.

05. You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a four room
apartment to celebrate someone's "yiorti". (Name day)

06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals
a day, not seven.

07. You thought roasting a lamb in the backyard on Easter Sunday was absolutely
normal, and that everyone did.

08. You ate salata with feta cheese at every meal..

09. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the
price of everything was negotiable through haggling with the bakali.  (Grocer)

10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

11. You thought everyone's last name ended in "as" "is" or "os."

12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the knee, knotted
and then tucked.

13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.

14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

15. You thought that everyone made their own dolmathes.

16. You never ate meat on Fridays, and no meat or dairy products 40 days
before Easter.

17. You thought everyone picked "vleeta" and "chorta" along the Belt Parkway.

18. You thought Greek Orthodox was the only religion in the world.

19. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or
"mpantofila".(slipper)

20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your
left hand.

21. You can understand Greek but you can't speak it.

22. You have at least one relative who came over "on the boat."

23. Your father or your grandfather, fought in World War 2.

24. You have at least six male relatives named George and another six
named Kosta.

25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives, like "Thea Bessie,"
your mom's friend.

26. You have so many relatives, that some, you don't ever speak to.

27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.

28. You are pleased, admit it, that Paris broke off the engagement to Paris.

29. You grew up in a house with a yard.

30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on
plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.

31. You thought that talking loud was normal.

32. You thought "koufetta" (sugared almonds) were common at all weddings.

33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheek and had money stuffed in
their pockets by their relatives.

34. You've accidentally inhaled some powdered sugar from a "kourambie'."

35. There was an "icona" in every bedroom.

36. You couldn't date a boy/girl without getting approval from your
father. (Oh, and they had to be Greek)

37. You called it "grass", your yiayia called it "chorta."

38. You dreaded opening your lunchbox at school.

39. "Going for coffee" meant going to a Thea's house, and staying all day.

40. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and accident was made
to feel better by drinking xamomilo chie. (Chamomile tea)

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                         TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

Dallas ATC:  "Tower to Saudi Air  911 - You are cleared to land eastbound
on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC.  Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R  - Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC.  We are cleared to land on infidel's runway
9R.- -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!   DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!!   WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC:  "Well bless your hearts.  Y'all be careful now and tell Allah
'hey' for us  -  ya hear?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And a super-quickie from Whizzbang:

                             LATE NEWS FLASH

Did you hear that Michael Jackson is on his way to Tasmania?

He heard there was a couple of free minors.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         That was a quick one in more ways than one - here's a couple more
         from John the K over CUB way (John being a happy new Dad yet again
         thanks to Jen :-):
                           -------------------------


             THE WORLD CUP HOUSE RULES FOR WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS

1. FROM 9 JUNE TO 9 JULY 2006, YOU SHOULD READ THE SPORTS SECTION OF THE
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup the television is mine, at all times, without any
exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will
lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game I don't mind,
as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes
on right after because if you catch a cold I won't have time to take you
to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
up the baby ....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please
do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch
the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and
6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please (!!) if you see me upset because my team is
losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more
about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will
only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one"
game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend
time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a.    I will not go,
b.    I will not go, and
c.    I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch
a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch??" the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of
this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, etc etc.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

A soldier, sailor & Raafie left the Army, Navy and RAAF to joined the
circus.

When asked why, they replied: "Two reasons, the live-in accommodation is
better, and you don't have to salute the clowns"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And last but *certainly* not least (for those of you who've stuck
        with us this far in such a bumper edition) - here's a treat for
        you from German George.  It's real "Truth stranger than fiction"
        stuff, this!


        THE LAWS OF THE LAND ACROSS THE USA - READY TO RULE THE WORLD!

                               ALABAMA

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Incestuous marriages are legal.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the
case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up
to five years in jail.

It is illegal to howl at ladies within the city limits.

                               ALASKA

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.

                               ARIZONA

When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself
with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with
it until it is all used up.

                               ARKANSAS

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

                               CALIFORNIA (YEAH!)

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches
without her consent.

Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from
the sheriff.

                               COLORADO

Throwing missiles at cars is illegal.

Catapults may not be fired at buildings.

It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

                               CONNECTICUT

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.

                               DELAWARE

Changing into or out of a bathing suit in a public restroom is prohibited.

                               FLORIDA (WOW)

It is illegal to sell your children.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.  When having sex, only
the missionary position is legal.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM.

You may not kiss your wife's breasts.

Torpedoes may not be set off in the city.

A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub
because of using self-beautification utensils.

Women may not expose their breasts while performing "topless dancing".

                               GEORGIA

All sex toys are banned.

Blow guns are not allowed to be used within the city limits.

Crosses may be burned on someone else's property, so long as you have their
permission.

The flooring of adult bookstores and video stores must be nonabsorbant and
smooth textured.

                               HAWAII

All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.

                               IDAHO

A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

                               ILLINOIS

One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes
to crow.

                               INDIANA

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger
in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

                               IOWA

One must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing
bricks into a highway.

                               KANSAS

No one may scream at a haunted house.

If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other
has passed.

                               KENTUCKY

One may not receive anal sex.

                               LOUISIANA

It is illegal to practice voodoo in the city limits.

It is illegal to have sex with a cow.

                               MAINE

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American
attack.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

                               MARYLAND

It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.

                               MASSACHUSETTS

A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.

Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.

                               MICHIGAN

There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs,
cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.

                               MINNESOTA

Airplanes may not be landed in city parks.

                               MISSISSIPPI

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in
a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

                               MISSOURI

Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns
freely.

No person may own a PVC pipe.

                               MONTANA

It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

                               NEBRASKA

Persons with gonorrhea may not marry.

If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

                               NEVADA

It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

Sex toys are outlawed.

                               NEW HAMPSHIRE

On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

                               NEW JERSEY

It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder.

                               NEW MEXICO

Idiots may not vote.

It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

                               NEW YORK

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences unless
they both agree to it.

                               NORTH CAROLINA

While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the
shades pulled.

                               NORTH DAKOTA

It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered
wagon.

                               OHIO

It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front
of a man's picture.

                               OKLAHOMA

While it is legal to serve alcohol in a pool hall, all intoxicated persons
must leave the premises.

                               OREGON

It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex.

It is illegal to predict the future.

                               PENNSYLVANIA

You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.

                               RHODE ISLAND

No one may bite off another?s leg.

                               SOUTH CAROLINA

It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.

Horses are to wear pants at all times.

                               SOUTH DAKOTA

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them.

                               TENNESSEE

You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

Skunks may not be carried into the state.

                               TEXAS

Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more
than six dildos.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains
a formula for making beer at home.

Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased
on Monday.

It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

                               UTAH

It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.

It is illegal to cause a catastrophe.

Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

                               VERMONT

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

It is illegal to deny the existence of God.

                               VIRGINIA

It is illegal to tickle women.

                               WASHINGTON

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has
passed.

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

                               WEST VIRGINIA

It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not
exceed 40 lbs.

It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday,
on the courthouse steps.

                               WISCONSIN

Missiles may not be shot at parade participants.

Nuclear weapons may not be manufactured in the city limits.

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep

                               WYOMING

It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

Using a firearm to fish is strictly forbidden.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

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G'day



Here's another mixed bag of assortments.  Completely free, and on time!



Keep sending your stuff to  ...  fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au



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First up this week is UK Croydon Caz

                                Rules for Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.


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And from Burnout

                         The History of the Middle Finger.

Well, now...... here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying,

See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing


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A quickie from Whizzbang

                                  State of the Union

Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

What a Bitch !


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Hmmmmm.   I think this is a joke.  It came from Mad Bob of Sydney

                                 Try this - I dare you!

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, "It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand mate."

Keep your Australian identity strong.

Fly the your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on English and Australian culture in the Muslim school system.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

Because it will never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq or any other country in the world except right here in Australia.

For we are run by soft, politically correct politicians, that are too scared to "offend" anyone.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Malaysia or Iraq.


[Editor's Note:  I'm not sure this works in Iraq Bob.  In 2003 many illegal Australians entered Iraq, and only Iraqis seem to continue dying as a result ... except for one legal press guy and an illegal entrant who shot himself with his own gun.  - Ed.]


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This came from Allnutts over at Highett

                               A rabbit walks into a pub

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a Pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

..... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from". After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".


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This selection came from Smithie of Nottingham

                                    Old Dog New tricks

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful but aged dog named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and before long, she discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, "Oh, man, I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Cuddles exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but Cuddles sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the wise old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old girl says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Morals of this story.. Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!


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                                The thorn and the rose

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose on the internet last night and it said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."


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                                    The Scotsman's Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"


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                                     CONFUCIUS SAY

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Those who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Learn to masturbate...come in handy.


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                                       Do the maths

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."


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                            Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?


Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush                   Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

Barbara: "I think I know who it.. but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple..... It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara..... you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ... you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."


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                                     The mammogram

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.  Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science". Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice.... it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag" Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy . the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back!."

Before I could shout , "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance "en extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part mashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........


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This weeks pics are from Burnout, Whizzbang, Ty T, Croydon Caz, Muse aka Zophia, Cartographer Chris, Swinburne Sue, Smithie of Nottingham, Eric's treetop, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Little Di, and you know who you are ...


>From Whizzbang Pooley

As you know, during Katrina there were many difficulties evacuating people out of New Orleans quickly. FEMA has solved the problem and is proud to introduce the Rapid Evacuation Vehicle..... or R. E. V. for short. A fleet of these vehicles will be arriving just in time for hurricane season.
 Click here


>From Swinburne Sue

Admit it . . you feel like doing this to at least one person every day.
 Click here


>From Eric's treetop in South Afrtica

THE BIRTH OF A HUMMINGBIRD....

This is truly amazing. Be sure to click on NEXT PAGE at the bottom of each page; there are 5 pages in all. A lady found a hummingbird nest and got pictures all the way from the egg to leaving the nest. Took 24 days from birth to flight. Because you'll probably never in your lifetime see this again, enjoy; and please share....
 Click here


Burnout's bad day collection
 Click here Click here Click here


Heels of time Click here


Hard test - not in English! Click here


Pic of the week Click here


Retirement calculator Click here


Female/Shemale Click here


Something in the air Click here


Talking sex Click here


Slingshot parachute Click here


The human brain Click here


Respect Click here


G-string envy Click here


Shark attack Click here


Blackboard drawing Click here


Mobile-Pnone-Man Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Faulty mouse Click here


Scotish wife Click here


710 caps Click here


Walkies Click here


New number Click here


Steelcaps Click here


Soccer tactics Click here


Who let them out? Click here


Rush hour Click here


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This came from Swinburne Sue

                              Winter...

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked. The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."


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Here's a quickie from Consumer Tim

                         Here is the News

Staff working on the WA City Rail Project have found ancient indigenous remains underground around the Esplanade convention centre, Perth. Forensics did onsite tests, and detected cow bones. Police later cautioned the remains with a moo von notice.


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And from Burnout (IN BEAUTIFUL SHRIEKING CAPS!)

                           SON-IN-LAW

CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED ..................

     wait for it


"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW"


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And some advice from Burnout


Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is serious. Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum - it is a scam.  They only want to see your bum!!

I wish I'd been sent this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.


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More from Mad Bob

                       An ANZAC kinda thing

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims. The USA is flying in food supplies and money. France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units. Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment. Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order. Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.


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This from Zofia (aka Muse from Canada)

Forget the Heimlich Maneuver

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".


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And from Nottingham Smithie

         SPEECH BY BILL GATES to some students in a school

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with children of any age, here's some good advice.

Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

If you agree, pass it on.

Life is what we make it. Always has been. Always will be.


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These came from Fosters John

          Three Alzheimer's patients walk in to a doctor's office.

The doctor calls in the first one, and asked bunch of info about himself. Then he asked him, "OK, what's 5 plus 5?" He answers,

"That's easy...37." The doctor says ok and tells him to send in the next patient.

He comes in a minute later. The doctor asks him all of his info. Then he asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"

He answers, "Simple... Thursday." The doctor nods and tells him to send in the final patient.

He comes in and sits down. The doctor asks him all of his personal info. Then he also asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"

He answers, " Man, that's easy... it's 10."

The doctor says, "That's good, now how did you get that?"

The patient said, " Well, I just subtracted 37 from Thursday."


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                                      New neighbour

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new new guy who moved in next door.
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Faggot!"


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And from Minnesota Scott

The Cowboy and the Yuppie:

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man :cool: in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, compute: where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man selects one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,  "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Federal Government." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about Cattle. Now give me back my dog.


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And from Trina

           Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The
                Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

 3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

 4. "Howdy, pardner."

 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

 6. Two words:  "Saddle Sore."

 7. "Hold it right there!  Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

 8. "Let's mount up!"

 9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

 10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

 11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"


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Finally a post I found on the Oz radio newsgroup

                     Defence Force Mislays Brendan Nelson

The defence department admitted that it has mislaid Brendan Nelson, who was to apologise for losing the report about how they mislaid the body of Private Jake Kovco. Defence officials said that Brendan Nelson was driven to the press conference by a private contracting business based in Kuwait. Attempts to contact the business failed when the department lost the phone number.

The damning missing report indicates that Australian casualties in Iraq are so low because our troops were inadvertently delivered to Derryn Hinch, who is using them to boost his radio ratings.

John Howard, meanwhile, is in America undergoing plastic surgery, after President Bush called a press conference to declare that the Australian leader had a face like the arse end of a camel. The remark was picked up later in the day by Rupert Murdoch who said Howard should have quit when he was a head!

Later the two leaders discussed ways to reduce the escalating death rate in Iraq, ultimately agreeing on speed cameras, 40k zones outside schools, flags on the beaches, a late night curfew for P-platers and closing all gold mines.

A spokesperson from the defence department was unavailable for comment last night after failing to find his way back from lunch.


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Quote of the week:


                   "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."


                                            - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)



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