Friday humour - May 12, 2006


G'day


Yo!  Sorry that FH is late.  The trouble was caused by a couple of
cleaners found cavorting in the backroom at Bluehaze Enterprises.  We're
thinking of sacking them and re-employing them on workplace agreements as
casuals on 70% of their current rates.


No editorial today as we all digest the Budget ... and cry over the fact
that the government super scheme doesn't seem to be going to result in
tax-free lump sums and pensions for  hard working government officers
(and parliamentarians).

How tragic and sad.  (Though I bet Bob doesn't think so.)


Here's something to try from dear old Moonboot who says ...

         "Here is something to waste away a couple of mins when
          your boss ain't looking..."

   Click here



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First this week is from Allnutts

                                   Seven kinds of Sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.


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And from sex, we move to toilet humour from Nottingham Smithie

                               HOW to POOP at WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the "Work Poop" is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for doing
it.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic! Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can
be avoided with the use of the "Courtesy Flush".

OUT of the CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an "Out of the Closet Pooper" enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the "Out of the Closet Pooper" before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N): A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the where-abouts of "Out of the Closet
Poopers" and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work! If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall! This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.


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And this from Burnout


Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never
thought about;


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the T3 lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!


If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry
with you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out
the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?


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More from Burnout

                                     Very Interesting

1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq .

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq .

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq .

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq .

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq .

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel .

10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem .

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq !

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been
in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw th e "writing on the wall" in
Iraq .

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq
.

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq .

17. The wise men were from Iraq .

18. Peter preached in Iraq .

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which
was a city in Iraq !


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And you have probably seen this one ...

Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know
which nation is second?

It is Iraq ! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.
The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and
Mesopotamia.

The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between
the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep
roots.

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant
country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history
and prophecy associated it than Iraq


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And also... This is something to think about! Since America is typically
represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim
passages...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran ( 9:11
) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome
Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of
Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more
rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and
there was peace.

(Note the verse number!)


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>From Eric - that guy in South Africa

                              Pete - The Piddling Pup

A farmer's dog once came to town, whose Christian name was Pete. His
pedigree was ten yards long, his looks were hard to beat, And as he
trotted down the road 'twas beautiful to see His work on every corner,
his work on every tree, He watered every gateway, he never missed a
post, For piddling was his masterpiece, and piddling was his boast.

The city dogs stood looking on with deep and jealous rage,
To see this simple country dog the piddler of his age,
They smelt him over one by one, they smelt him two by two,
The noble Pete in high disdain, stood still till they were thru' They
sniffed him over one by one, their praise for him was high, But when one
sniffed him underneath, Pete piddled in his eye.

Then just to show the city dogs he didn't care a damn
Pete strolled into the Grocer's shop and piddled on his ham.
He piddled on his onions, he piddled on his floor,
And when the Grocer kicked him out, he piddled on his door.

Behind him all the city dogs debated what to do,
They held a piddling carnival to show this stranger through, They showed
him all the piddling posts, they knew about the town, They started out
with many tricks to wear this stranger down, But Pete was up to every
trick with vigour and with vim, A thousand piddles, more or less, was
all the same to him.

And on and on went noble Pete, with hind leg kicking high
While most were lifting legs in bluff or piddling mighty dry, And on and
on went noble Pete, and watered every sand hill, Till all the city
champions were piddled to a standstill.

Then Pete, an exhibition gave on all the ways to piddle,
Like double drips and fancy flips, and then a little dribble. And all
the time the country dog did neither wink nor grin But piddled blithely
out of town as he had piddled in. The city dogs said: "So long Pete,
your piddling did defeat us,"
But- no one ever put them wise that Pete had diabetes.

(Author and year of publication, if ever published, unknown to me. I
would be interested if anybody knows.)


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>From bonny Bess in Scotland who said ...

"In a week when 73 US troops were killed in Iraq but the American people
were never told about the 83 who committed suicide in the same week
there needs to be something to laugh about. Maybe laughter is the best
way to keep this guy in proportion. It could also apply to Tony Blair."

                                    Gonorrhea Lectim

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect
him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the
past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social
personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones,
extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information,
pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility
for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled
facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards
evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour.


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This weeks pics are from Nottingham Smithie, Brett Dude, Allnutts, Muse,
Digi Maria, Rowan Davo, Mad Mick, Burnout, Whizzbang, Social Sally, Kai,
the Castle Hill Books mob, Stonefish, Eric, Moonboot, Trina, and Croydon
Caz.


>From Eric's treetop in South Africa

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my
favorite bakery. I  accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as
I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this
was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me
to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me
directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time
around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"
 Click here


>From Liz at Castle Hill books

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the
cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm
lost and I need directions!"
 Click here


>From Muse in Canada

Let me hire this plumber.
 Click here



>From Mad Mick of Marwick

Police Arrest Chef in Spurs Food Poisoning case + Spurs New Shirt
Sponsors

er - um  As I am an Arsenal fan I am not too certain if I like this one!
Don't let Cousin David see it whatever you do. He supports a little
known southern rabble.
Mad Mick
 Click here Click here


>From Burnout

According to a leading Arab TV station, yet another US citizen has been
kidnapped in Afghanistan. The following message with his own words was
transmitted by the media on Sunday:

I have been kidnapped by militants in Afghanistan. I doubt I will ever
be
able to return to the states. Even if things get real nasty and I suffer

inevitable torture, DO NOT pay any ransom money or attempt a rescue
operation. America does not deal with terrorists.

Tell my wife and kids I love them."

This victim (who's name could not be published) is a man of exceptional
courage. Attached is a photo of him with his kidnappers.
 Click here


More from Burnout

If you look at this picture very carefully, you can notice that Black

Ones are shadows, white ones are the real camels...

The photo has been taken from directly above...
 Click here


>From Trina

This is absolutely gorgeous!
These Parents Never Have To Worry About Anyone Messing With Their Kid
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


>From Eric

Park the Peugeot
You have to park the car in the highlighted space, using your arrow keys
for direction and movement, using your space bar as a brake.
Have fun!
-Eric
That Guy in South Africa...
 Click here


Without a paddle? Click here


Trailer driver
 Click here


Differences
 Click here Click here Click here


Porno clips Click here


First Pic - trapped Beaconsfield miners
 Click here


Subtle dude Click here


Queer Street
 Click here


Family Fued Up Late
 Click here


Bloody magpies
 Click here


JC - The Musical Click here


Scots in sewrage
 Click here


The birds and beesmade easy
 Click here


Movie for Mum
 Click here


Cyclone Monica
 Click here


Swiss Ice Click here


Gay adoption Click here


Midget Thai boxing
 Click here


Opening soon
 Click here


Small favour Click here


Urban or rural
 Click here


Tired!
 Click here
i


Choices Click here


Footloose Click here


Talking corks Click here



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Back to ascci and Digi Maria

                                     In the cemetry

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night
and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God
bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here
that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."


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Here's a touching piece of schmaltz from UK Croydon Caz

                            A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One friend who Always makes her Laugh... And one Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by Anyone else in her
family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

Eight matching plates, Wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal
that will Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

HOW TO QUIT A JOB

BREAK UP WITH A LOVER

AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

When to try harder... and

WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That she can't change The length of her calves, The width of her hips,
or The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That her childhood May not have been Perfect... but; It's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she would and Wouldn't Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to live alone... even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't Take it
personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Where to go.. Be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. Or a charming
inn in the woods... When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish In a day... A month... And a year...


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More Digi stuff

                                      Pepe and Luis

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si,
Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon ....... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a
meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon... ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees eet?"

"Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ............ Ees .....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"


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More from Smithie

                                          Cat test

This was developed by an R & D department at Harvard Uni.  Take your
time and see if you can read each line without a mistake. The average
person over forty can't do it.

1.This is this cat.

2.This is is cat.

3.This is how cat.

4.This is to cat.

5.This is keep cat.

6.This is an cat.

7.This is old cat.

8.This is fart cat.

9.This is busy cat

10.This is for cat

11.This is forty cat.

12 This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top
down, and I bet you decide you know someone you are going to send it to.


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This oldie is from Sue at Swinburne Uni

                                      Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the the side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely

stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court
Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS


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>From Consumer Tim in WA

                                      You are useless!

You make microbial organisms look sophisticated

God made you on a Monday morning.... 		With a hangover!

You are one chromosome short of a full nucleotide

I wouldn't even trust you to empty my garbage

You couldn't organise a suicide bombing in an explosives factory

If Einstein ever met you, he would have choked in disgust, and developed
a new theory of stupidity:

You make George Bush appear knowledgeable

You are one neuron short of a synapse

You get kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents, and get released

when they realise Australia actually supports your execution.

You're one packet short of a protocol

One transistor short of a semiconductor

One bit short of a byte

I wouldn't even trust you to clean my toilet

You couldn't organize a riot on the Gaza strip

You're one public inquiry short of a Monika Lewinski scandal

God started creating you on Friday afternoon. But left early to go for
drinks.

When you were born, the doctor thought you were afterbirth and dropped
you in the bin. Somehow you managed to crawl out.

When your pregnant mother had acu-puncture, they stuck the needles in
too far

You couldn't organise a coke party in Columbia

You're one update short of a complete service pack

One AND statement short of a full instruction set

One bug short of a Windows operating system


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This came from Republican Scott in Minnesota

                   Things Moms Would Probably Never Say

~ "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

~ "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

~ "Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more
cheery."

~ "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

~ "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
walk him every day."

~ "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

~ "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here."

~ "I don't have a tissue with me . . . just use your sleeve."

~ "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."


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Finally a trio from Allnutts over at Highett

                                         Rest Stop

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains "Well, they are here, and
you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could
have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best
entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up
and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The
Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."


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                                        Preaching.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One
day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led
to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out
into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father
Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me
a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next
week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "In
retrospect, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


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                                          Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks"?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie- Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-
Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh", said the man, "whose clock is that"?

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie".

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one"?

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life".


"Where's John Howard's clock", asked the man.

"Howard's clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


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Quote of the week:


 "The existence of Guantanamo Bay remains unacceptable. It is time,
   in my view, that it should close. Not only would it be right to close
   Guantanamo as a matter of principle, I believe it would also help to
   remove what has become a symbol to many, right or wrong, of
   injustice."



Lord Goldsmith
                                                            British
Attorney-General


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