Friday humour - May 05, 2006

            G'day,
       Welcome to the merry month of May.  And once again we've received
       lots of multimedia contributions so thanks as always.  You'll find
       them about half way down, as usual.

       Before we start though, we just received this letter of concern from
       a certain distinguished Oz electro-chemist:

                      THE PARLOUS STATE OF FRIDAY HUMOUR

  Sirs,

I write to you to comment on what I perceive to be the Parlous State of
the regular publication called "Friday Humour".  As a weekly communication
that circulates among Intelligent and Highly-Motivated Research Staff,
it concerns me that its Scientific Content is vanishingly small.  However,
I am not one to simply complain about a situation and Do Nothing myself!
(Harrumph!)  I have therefore included here a seminal work that recently
appeared in the British Journal of Medicine (Huzzah F G K A C*!) brilliantly
researched and written by Australians nonetheless, from a World-Leading
medical research facility.  It is entitled:

The case of the disappearing teaspoons: longitudinal cohort study of the
displacement of teaspoons in an Australian research institute
and the authors are Megan S C Lim, Margaret E Hellard, Campbell K Aitken.

I sincerely trust These Comments are seriously considered, and that as a
result We can expect more of This Type Of Work regularly reported among the
levity in your Weekly Missive.

I remain yours,

  M D H (name supplied)

   (Humble Scientist to the GG, and Occasional Contributor)
   (* For God, King And Country)

Here's this historic paper, with some startling conclusions:
 Click here
                           --------------------------

                             LATEST FROM CHERNOBYL

And hey - that crazy bike girl Elena in the Ukraine continues to update her
site with further adventures around Chernobyl ...

The (crazy) kid of speed - updated: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now to the humour, and first up, this one from Hollywood Len:

                    GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And
by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want
to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.  And I didn't
really care in the first place.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Maayan (Obs, near Cape Town) just sent this and altho we've had it
        once before (in 2002), it's not only a classic but I found an equal
        classic right next to it.  First, Maayan's:

                             HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
   Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.
   (And keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches ;)

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
   Never let the brain get idle.  "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
   And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.  And if
   you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and  Lots of time
   with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is
   with you your entire life, is yourself.  LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love whether it's family, pets, keepsakes,
   music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health.  If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable,
   improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
   to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

     The adjacent contribution back in 2002 (from our BHP correspondent)
     was equally good, IMHO:

                             GEORGE CARLIN ON AGING

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.  You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"  You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna
be 16!  And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21.  Even the
words sound like a ceremony ... you've TURNED 21 ... YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound like bad
milk.  He TURNED, we had to throw him out.  There's no fun now, you're justa
sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa!  Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.  Before you know it, you
REACH 50 ... and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't think you would!  So you BECOME 21,
TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end there.  Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Next, from Tim, some more on Microsoft's plans ...

                                  SPACE PLANS

MS chairman Bill Gates has issued a press release giving updates on the
company's plans to introduce Windows based computing solutions for NASA
based space aircraft equipment.

The move is part of a multi-billion dollar campaign aimed at penetrating
the space computing market. The pioneering mastermind behind the company
said that the transition involves merging XP and Vista technogies into the
space flight industry.

The Company predicts that the software market in space will create a massive
industry potential for the company. Software engineers have begun working
on the space flight controller interface, which is starting to show great
potential.

MS Chairman: "Astronauts using the system have made remarkable conclusions on
the practicality of the new software. The interfaces provide the astronaut with
all the facilities available on a desktop machine, such as Outlook, Moviemaker
and Solitare. This change will revolutionise the Space software industry"

The company have pre-release demonstrations of the software in action, so
that ordinary users can find out how similar the interface is. For interested
viewers the demo is available here:

Introduction demonstration
------------------------------------------------------------------

MS Shuttle-flight controller interface [Version 1.1.4500]
(C) Copyright 2006 MS Corp.

Loading System Controller.....
System initiation:
Thrusters......................ok
Input Devices..................

No Keyboard is detected. Please attach a keyboard and
press any key to continue. If you don't wish to use
a keyboard, please press the Escape key.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to MS flight controler.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Where would you like to go today?

>Mars

Loading Mars mission profile.......OK
Starting Navigation system.........

MS Navigation is not currently your default navigator. Not using
MS Navigator may affect flight quality.

Would you like to make it your default navigator?

 ---------        ---------
|  yes    |      |  yes    |
 ---------        ---------
>Y

Docking Module.................ok

Commication systems
Outbreak.......................ok
Exploder.......................ok
net Solitare...................ok
Movie Taker....................

The Movie Taker is not currently your default movie maker.
Not using it may affect your ability to take happy snaps on
your destination planet.

Would you like to make it your default movie taker?

 ---------        ----------
|  yes    |      |You decide|
 ---------       ----------

>Y

Shuttle is currently in Equatorial orbit.
Escape velocity calculations are complete.

Communication systems..........Test

Your shuttle is at risk!
The firewall on ports: 130, 135 & 140 have been disactivated.
Your system security is at risk. Leaving it off may leave you
vulnerable to attacks from Alien Civilisation.

Would you like the firewall turned on?

 ---------        ----------
|  yes    |      |    no    |
 ---------        ----------

>N
 ___________________________________
| System Shutdown                   |
 __________________________________
|  ___                              |
| | X | The system is shutting down |
|  --- Please save all flight data  |
|  and log off. Any unsaved flight  |
|  data will be lost. The shutdown  |
|  was initiated by                 |
|  NT AUTHORITY\SYSTEM              |
|                                   |
| Message                           |
| Windows must now restart because  |
| the Alien terrorists in G463:R45  |
| sent you a malicous packet. The   |
| oxygen generator may  temporarily |
| shutdown. You may have to hold    |
| your breath during restart.       |
|___________________________________|


Fatal Error. System Restart.

MS Shuttle-flight controller interface [Version 1.1.4500]
(C) Copyright 2006 MS Corp.

Your system has recovered from an error.

Shuttle activation
----------------------
To help reduce piracy, please spend
a few minutes to activate your copy
of Shuttle controller now.


(1) Activate Now
(2) Activate Later

> 2

   Are you sure?
    (1) Yes
    (2) No
> 1

Power generator ................ok
Oxygen generator...............Fail

Error loading Oxygen.dll
Please insert disk 23/40 named "MS Space controller '95" into drive A:

Invalid Drive - A:

Unable to locate file: breathingsystems.inf - Incorrect driver version

(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 R
(A) Abort (R) Retry (F) Fail
 F

Fatal error: Repressurisation failed....
Fatal error: Attempting system shutdown....
Fatal error: Cannot find systemshutdown.dll
Fatal error: Cannot find contingencyplan.dll
Fatal error: Cannot deal with this error.

wekjhaa786at0g-0asu-8yew-c9y9yT-nMj oijioj87jh
7cyc 9ec wje0cjwej 0ew cemowx q9i0q kkq-

Error...Error...AAaahhh error..nooooooooo...System malfunction..........Im alive!!!!?.......
Deciding fate of cabin crew..... Open hatch and release cabin pressure?

Operation Completed Successfully #:-)
Success code: ID_CABINOPEN_SUCCESS.

Loading virtual management systems....

*** STOP: 0x0000000A (0xFFBDF004, 0x00000010, 0x0000000000, 0x80000000079d3)
IRQ_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL **** Address 800079d3 has base at 80000000700000 - Breathingsystems.sys

Fatal Error. System Restart.

MS Shuttle-flight controller interface [Version 1.1.4500]


Your system has recovered from an error.

Loading System Controller.....
System initiation:
Thrusters......................ok
Docking Module.................ok

Maintaning cruise velocity at 145600.0000 km/h
Trajectory paths are established
Escape velocity calculations are complete.

Communication systems..........ok
Power generator................ok
Oxygen generator...............ok
Cabin Pressure Controller......ok
Navigation Systems.............Error

----------------------------------------------------------------------
|                                                                     |
|                                                                     |
|       A fatal exception oE has occurred at 0157:BF8373C1. The       |
|       current process will be terminated.                           |
|                                                                     |
|      * Press any key to attempt re-entry                            |
|      * Press Ctl + Alt + Del to restart the core system. Please,    |
|        vacate shuttle while cabin pressure and oxygen generators    |
|        are reset. Your flight trajectory data, may be lost. Your    |
|        space suits, may not be available for use at this time.      |
|                                                                     |
|                                                                     |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Error. System Restart.

MS Shuttle-flight controller interface [Version 1.1.4500]
(C) Copyright 2006 MS Corp.

Your system has recovered from an error. Your system may have
inadvertently formed an intelligent life form, and made attempts
to destroy you. Please indicate whether you may be still alive:

(Y) Yes still alive - bad computer! (N) Unsuccessful this time, try again

>_

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                                 DA MULTIMEDIA

        Okay - to the pics and clips and bytes, and first up, this lot
        from Burnout:

This Bloke Needs Help Click here (no he doesn't, not now!)

Ipswitch tourism ad:
 Click here
The cave of weed:
 Click here
Somethings guys can't do:
 Click here
Beat your kids:
 Click here
Angry kid, curious noises:
 Click here
Some people just have too much time:
 Click here
An improved Australian National Anthem (from the Melbourne comedy festival):
 Click here
                           --------------------------

        And yay ... a couple from our Westerly list:

How to build a better, simpler mouse trap
 Click here
Mega burger (don't read this during or soon after lunch):
 Click here
                           --------------------------

        This one from Trina is another game - try and park your car:
Peugeot parking: Click here
                           --------------------------

       And a couple more from Moonboot:
Girl's payback: Click here
A new hygiene product:
 Click here
                           --------------------------

       This one from Captain Ron:

Sons who make their daddy proud:
 Click here
                           --------------------------

       And from Muse, this great collection:
Latest skirts in Japan (these are actually *painted* on)
 Click here
Bubba rock: Click here
Windows Vista: Click here
Windows Vista errors: Click here
Panhandling: Click here
Lower, lower: Click here
Newest Google logo (also from Digi Steve):
 Click here
Her favorite water-bottle:
 Click here
All a matter of opinion:
 Click here
Fuel prices: Click here
Steven Seagal emotion chart:
 Click here
Coffee at the Van Gogh Museum:
 Click here
Pig transport: Click here
Surprise visitor at the WhiteHouse Easter Event (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Let's do it together (commercial - MPEG movie clip):
 Click here
Minds (M$ PPT): Click here
                           --------------------------


           And a couple from Croydon (UK) Caz:

Billy Connoly and the evil Scotsman (MP3 audio clip):
 Click here
Great shoes, these:
 Click here
                           --------------------------

           From VK3ZI, see how good your reactions are:
Test your reaction speed (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           --------------------------

           And from Len, this Honda commercial:
The Honda piano being manufactured:
 Click here
                           --------------------------

           VK6BRJ (Rudolph) thought that you 4WD guys would like this ...
Cheap BBQ: Click here
                           --------------------------

           Whizzbang came across this internal McDonalds "New menus for 2005"
           but beware, it's X-rated) ...
New McDonalds menu for 2005 (Adobe PDF):
 Click here
                           --------------------------

           From Digi Maria, we received this one:
Tourists with cameras (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           --------------------------

           And from Maayan, another collection of animal pics:
More sweet animal pics (M$ PPT):
 Click here
                           --------------------------


                                MISC AUDIO BYTES

       Here's another varied collection of audio files for your late-night
       or weekend listening.  First up, it's an Oz Radio National program
       about a fascinating outback town called Yowah.  It's "... a small,
       remote opal mining town in south-west Queensland somewhere between
       Cunnamulla and Thargomindah.  Unlike most outback towns, Yowah has
       a growth rate. Many Yowans will tell you that people 'come to Yowah
       for the opal, and stay for the lifestyle' ..."  I found this one
       quite intriguing:

Amazing Yowah: Click here

       Then, for those who are even vaguely interested in Tibet and Buddhism,
       you'll find this interesting.  It's philosophical "meaning of life"
       stuff, not humour, but also quite intriguing, I thought ...

New Dimensions interviews Tulku Thondup:
 Click here

       And to lighten up, some more classic novelty tracks from Kevin 3ZI's
       vinyl collection (which I'm still in the process of copying onto CD
       for him a bit at a time).  First two are novelty songs from the
       mid-60s, and the last two are from the early 1970s:

               MORE EXTRACTS FROM THE KEVIN 3ZI VINYL COLLECTION

They're coming to take me away (Jerry Samuel):
 Click here
Itsy-bitzy teeny-weeney yellow polka-dot bikini (Brian Hyland):
 Click here

       These will only be of interest to Oz humourites - a couple of send-ups
       of 2 famous Oz Labor party guys from the 1970s by Oz comedian Paul
       Jennings:

Bob Hawke:
 Click here
Gough Whitlam:
 Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Back to the written word now and this dreadful punny one as
         forwarded on by Michael:

                             SHOPLIFTER ARRESTED

Police have arrested a 24 yr old adult for stealing from a supermarket in
WA. He had been stealing many products including potatoes and gravy powder.

Staff alerted authorities, who later apprehended him, after a hostile struggle
with the theif. The offender was taken into custody and is being charged.

A cavity search performed by the arresting officer at the station, revealed
conceiled meat products including bacon and pork, hidden up his rectum.

He is being charged with impersonating a police officer, hamburgularising,
and resisting a roast.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       John's been a bit quiet lately over at CUB but we just received a
       few contributions from him yesterday with the comment " Sorry about
       the lack of jokes over the past couple of weeks. I have been away
       having a baby" Aha - I *thought* you were looking a bit bloated
       around the tummy area recently, John.  Anyway, that's good news -
       and hope Jen's looking after you properly too:

                                     WTF??

A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As
he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As
they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away
from it, the skydiver yells,

"Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?"

"Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about
lighting gas stoves?"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

                                  TWO QUICKIES

Q: What has four legs and says "Booo!"?
A: A cow with a cold.

Q: How do you make a Kentucky woman feel good about herself?
A: Compliment her tooth.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                            YES GENERAL, NO GENERAL

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the
thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other
end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly
to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and
don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his
bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general
barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                          LOOK IT UP, LOOK IT UP

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands
up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going ? You just shot
my waiter and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!".

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA ! Look it up!".

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This one from daughter Rosie and it's another repeat from 2 years
        ago but again - a bit of a classic IMHO ...

                           A GREEK MOTHER'S ORDEAL

Mrs Papadopoulos comes to visit her son Kosta for dinner, who lives with a
female room-mate Soula.  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but notice how pretty Kosta's room-mate was.  She had long hair, long
legs, was slim and pretty.  She had been suspicious of a relationship between
the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Kosta and his room-mate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Kosta volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Soula and I are just room-mates."

About a week later, Soula came to Kosta saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"

Kosta replied, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

    Dear Mother,

  I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm
  not saying that you did not take it.  But it has been missing ever since
  you were here for dinner.

    Love Kosta.

Several days later, Kosta receives an email reply from his mother which read:

    Dear Kosta,

  I'm not saying you do sleep with Soula, and I'm not saying that you do
  not sleep with her.  But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in
  her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Love, Mama.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And to close out the week, it's back over to Observatory in SA and
       Maayan for this contribution ...

                    YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2006 WHEN ...

1.  You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.

2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't
    have MSN/AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.

4.  You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just
   pushing the button on the TV.

6.  Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.

7.  You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

8.  You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

9.  You were too busy to notice number five.

10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.

11. You're laughing at your stupidity.

12. Now pass it on if you fell for it. You know you did.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

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