Friday humour - April 28, 2006

G'day


For many weeks after establishing the "comprehensive and transparent"
wheat-for-weapons commission the Man of Steel has been refusing to answer
press questions saying that we must await the final report by QC Cole
(exactly the same approach used in the previous Palmer immigration
department fiasco commission).

The day before the Easter break Mr Howard appeared at the Cole Commision
arriving with his minders via a street walk triumphantly waiving to the
crowd like royalty.  He was lightly questioned for 40 minutes and wasn't
questioned by AWB lawyers who wanted to prove that he was complicit in
relation to their alledged illegal deeds.

All we learned was that the Lying Rodent doesn't read most of the stuff
that's addressed to him - and neither do his subordinate and advisors in
the Prime Minister's Department.

Mr Howard left the Commission and immediately called a press conference
which lasted longer than his time at the Commission.

There was no talk of not pre-empting the final report now that he was off
the hook.  He continually maintained that AWB had mislead the UN, the
Volker Report, and the Australian government.

This - despite all the cables to him, Downer, and Vaile from his own
government officers (which apparently nobody read).  It make you wonder
why we pay so many government officers to provide Ministers with advice.

In Downer's case he'd signed one of the cables and written "I want to know
more about this."

Did the PM think his Ministers were guilty of gross negligence (at worst)?

Not at all.  He had total faith and confidence in his Ministers and all
those reporting to them.

The terms of reference of the wheat-for-weapons commission are only wide
enough for Cole to find fault in officers of the AWB - not the government.

One remembers Sir Humphrey advising to never hold a commission unless you
know what the final report is going to say.

Welcome to John Howard's Australia.



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First up is from Croydon Caz

                      Amazing but true!

In the 1400s a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wif=
e
with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentleme=
n
Only... Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered into the Englis=
h
language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred &
Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar wa=
s
lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as
the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pint=
s
and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
and Q's".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim=
,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
this practice.


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Don't delete the following text just because it looks weird. Believe it or
not, you can read it:


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer ben the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but th=
e
wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.


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>From Digi Maria
                How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


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Newsroom Latest from the CBC London Newsroom in Canada


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


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This came from Whizzbang (aka Pooley)


                        Good prospects

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really
seam to respond to me well.

I=C2=B4m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my
persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me an=
d
wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,


Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at
my last jobb.
 Click here


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>From Swinburne Sue
       SIXTEEN REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar=
=2E

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross."


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These came in from Minesotta Scott

                          GOP Curio Shop

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
everything, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
It has no price tag, but it is so striking that he decides he must have it.
So he takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12.00 for the rat, and $100.00 for the story."

The tourist gives the man $12.00 and says, "I'll just take the rat; you can
keep the story."

As he walks down the street, carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and have begun followin=
g
him. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But, within a
couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and
they begin squealing.

He begins to trot toward San Francisco Bay, looking around to see that the
rats now number in the MILLIONS, and they are squealing and coming toward
him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronz=
e
rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats al=
l
jump into the Bay after it, and all are drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a
bronze Muslim, and anything French."


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                    *The Rules of Bureaucracy*

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time; the last 10% takes the
other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem,
there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough tim=
e
to do it over.


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This weeks pics are from Burnout, Stonefish, the Castle Hill Books mob,
Allnutts, Whizzbang, Sister Carol, Mad Mick from Marwick, Muse, Croydon
Caz, and you know who you are.


>From the Bookends at Castle Hill Books

Go to Google and type in  'French military victories' and  see what you get
with the 'I feel lucky' button.


>From Burnout

The smoking gun. Checkout the video.
 Click here

Come on. Kick a goal
 Click here


>From Muse

Not sure if this is for your website. Whatever. This guy is a nutcase and
the attached video doesn't begin to do him do him justice.

You will either love him or hate him. If he catches your interest, checkout
the back-to-back video link at  www.boratonline.co.uk ... I am still
laughing from the second movie I clicked on... report on England... he's a
complete loon... OMG... lol.
 Click here


>From Moonboot

Well, I've seen it in the news
 Click here and now they

are appearing on the radio... men now need to
establish consent....

For the benifit of everyone out there in our nany
culture state... here is a consent form
 Click here


Afterthought Click here


Ford is shit Click here


Dog rescue Click here


Birds and Windex
 Click here


The Secretary Click here


New Olympic event
 Click here


Anne Click here


Croydon Caz funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Artificial insemination
 Click here


Threesome Click here


The luckiest man Click here
v


On men Click here


Perfect woman Click here


Tooheys New Click here


Whizzbang movie Click here


Womens words Click here


Funny Click here


Vacation plans Click here


Davinci code Click here


The worst logo ever
 Click here


Womens bottoms Click here


Great disguise
 Click here


Mad Mick's assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


Real bad day Click here


Wedding of the year
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Men hanging out together
 Click here


Keyboad for men
 Click here



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Burnout sent this one in

      Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens:

Yes it makes me want to stand to attention proudly and salute the Ozzie fla=
g
then have a barby and a xxxx.

1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2) Only in Australia... is "are you awake?" the standard concept of
foreplay.

3)  Only in Australia... do supermarkets make the sick people walk all the
way to the back of the store to get their Panadol, etc., while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4) Only in Australia...  do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries... and a Diet Coke.

5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guard=
s
and chain the pens to the counter.

6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway, and store our junk in the garage.

7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls, and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place

8) Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many"; and "tics"
meaning "blood sucking creatures".

9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying, "you're never too pissed
if you can still find the floor".

Stand proud Australia.....


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A quickie from Digi Maria

    Why Sex Ed needs to be taught in Catholic Schools.....

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them:
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the
convent....."!

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back.

"I'm so sick of Chardonnay....."


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A duo from Alnutts

                     Nine Months Later !!!!!!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's truck
and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all t=
o
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbour=
s
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got a=
n
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good
looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes=
,
I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house an=
d
pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out." I have to
admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's
face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do
you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


 (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)


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                          TURKEY SANDWICHES

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought turkey sandwiches for lunch every day! This went on all
through the fourth and fifth grades until one day the little boy noticed
that the little girl's sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating turkey?"

She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said, "'Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"

"Let me see," he said. She pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's
right, you are! Better not eat any more turkey."

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches, though, until one day he brought
peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey.
I'm starting to get feathers down there, too."

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said,
"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and
gizzards!!!"


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Finally these from the files of Fosters John

                             In bed

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife o=
n
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?."


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                            In the bar

A little bloke walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of dog poo, just
inside the door. He stands up, wipes as much of it off as he can, and buys
himself a drink.

A big bloke walks into the bar and slips over in the same pile of poop.
After cleaning himself up he walks to the bar and buys a beer. The little
bloke turns to the big bloke and tries to strike up a conversation.

"I just did that", he says.

The big bloke hits him.


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                               In church

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the
confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father
asked him the nature of this to which he replied "While my wife was bending
over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."

The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a si=
n
and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty=
=2E
The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was
leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest
asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now=
=2E
The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married
people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, th=
e
woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hai=
l
Mary's and think no more about it.

As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband
would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave yo=
u
that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the
supermarket!"


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Quote of the Week:



"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."



                                         - Galileo Galilei


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