Friday humour - April 21, 2006


            G'day,
       Every week that goes by, I still marvel at the Internet and the way
       it's continuing to shrink the world.  It's arrival back in 1990 (with
       the first web browsers on the NeXT computer and then on Unix) went
       largely un-noticed by the public.  Thousands of brilliant academic
       minds, billions of research dollars, and a small handful of key ideas
       from some truly inspired people over the past 30 years have created what
       we have now - beginning with DEC and the Ethernet protocol, the US-
       developed ARPA network (via the US Dept of Defence and university
       research projects world-wide), and then culminating in the early
       1990s with the (European) CERN-developed concept of browsing (or
       "surfing") via hot text links or 'clickable' images for navigating
       around.

       The thing that brought this to my mind is the probable effect that
       it's going to have over the next few decades.  Because it must surely
       culminate in the breaking down of barriers between countries and races
       that have existed for so long.  So many of our current tunnel-visioned
       governments seem to incapable of co-existing with their neighbours
       or the rest of the world, so wars drag on and parents continue to
       weep week after week and year after year as their children are sent
       to the front and killed or maimed in the hairy name of Nationalism.
       But hey - what will happen as the world continues to shrink and our
       children chat more and more across international boundaries and make
       friends with people of (gasp) other cultures?  As they listen more
       and more to the music of other cultures, watch each other's films
       online, read about their friend's home towns.  Fall in love, even!

       This ever increasing information and knowledge transfer between _real_
       people is already undermining Government and our so-called "free press"
       propaganda.  Could it be that whole populations will soon see through
       this nationalistic war-mongering nonsense and begin to realise that
       all such wars are just totally counter-productive - and that we have
       far bigger fish to fry this century?  I reckon it'll happen, and the
       sooner the better.  So - let the blogs multiply!
                            ----------------------------


       Okay - time for the insanity, and first up - this one from Pooley:

                                 STUPID SIGNS

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid."

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?

You wouldn't ask them anything.  It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops,
never mind. Didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
was a Pickford's truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says,
"Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes
it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat
on to the ramp, I lifted up this big Tuna and this idiot on the ramp goes,
"Hey, you catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a
guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright
Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump
into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't want to lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a petrol station. The
attendant walks out; looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
Tyre go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house
and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house;
he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says,
"Shit, that's hot!"  See?  Now, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I
misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it
out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop
shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ok ... no
problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked,
"So, is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are
you still here?"

I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next
time someone says something stupid, ask them where their sign is!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Then there was this lit of helpful suggestions as sent all the way
      from Croydon (UK) by Caz:

                               HANDY TIPS

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
leak before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin?' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out
at 90degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs
on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife
from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything
in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning simply
move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply
pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are
listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.  After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Maayan sent this one back in January with the comment "Happy Chinese
       New Year (& happy belated Australia day ~ I was subjected to Shannon
       Nolls' "Carr mon Aussie c'mon" all day, so I didn't miss it!)".
       BTW - a couple of repeats in here, but it's a classic ...

                          20 WAYS TO KEEP YOUR SANITY

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
    dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
    with that.

4.  Put your trash can on your desk and label it "In box".

5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten
    over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favours"

7.  Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."

8   dont use any punctuation

9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling,
    "Run for your lives - they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we're going to have
    to let one of you go."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Here's a couple from Michael (who wishes to remain anonymous, so no
      family name here):

                                STRANGE BUT TRUE

- Dyslexics have more fnu

- Clones are people two

- Entropy isn't what it used to be

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

- Eschew obfuscation

- Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs

- A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

- Anything free is worth what you pay for it

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Editing is a rewording activity

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion

- Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool!

- Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

- My reality check just bounced

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

- No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

- Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!

- IRS  - Be audit you can be!

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                         WHAT JOB ADS *REALLY* MEAN

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And (wake up, Lee!) one from Biggus ...

                              RECKLESS DRIVING

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out
of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over
for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton
in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was
found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "For what?"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - here's da pics and bits for yet another FH week.  First one
       (from Dave at the elevator place) is just to let you know that The
       FSM Gospel is finally available.  These are mainly for those schools
       who've taken on Intelligent Design, btw:

Buy your Bible now! Click here
                            ----------------------------

       And from Spring Maayan - "I spent way too long playing this instead
       of writing emails, enjoy ..."

Boys are stupid ... so throw rocks at them:
  Click here
                            ----------------------------

       Moonboot is back on Earth this week (and complaining that the air is
       still too thin on Mars) - he sent this collection:

Can I have yours next, hmmmm?
 Click here
Shiny, even: Click here
You piss me off: Click here
Dinner date (MPG movie clip):
 Click here
Wabbits (MPG movie clip):
 Click here
Shrek Karaoke (a very BIG MPG movie clip - 40Mb):
 Click here
Chainsaw killer comes to town (MPG movie clip):
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

         Here's a couple from the Castle Hill Books mob now:

Still more bouncing tits:
 Click here
One way of doing pubic hair removal (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

        And from Isk, we just received this one:

Next time you're up that creek, you can now shop here:
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

        Whizzbang sent a few over as well ...

Earnest the Tank Engine (MPG movie clip):
 Click here
This will explain why some wines are more expensive:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Saint Martin has a risky beach (M$ Powerpoint slideshow):
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

        German George recently returned to Germany, but on the way, he
        dropped into Seoul.  Here are a few pics he took for us:

GG's Seoul visitL
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

        And from Digi Maria, this collection just floated in:

New tyre design (M$ Powerpoint slideshow):
 Click here
A boy and his dog:
 Click here
Liquid lady (M$ WMV movie clip):
 Click here
Finally fixed my computer:
 Click here
Some Granny cartoons:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The transparent butterfly:
 Click here Click here Click here
                            ----------------------------

              And from Muse in Canada:

How to get the US out of Iraq:
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

            This one from Mad Mick Rand (cousin of Dave) in the UK is
            also pretty sweet ... maybe pass it onto a good friend:

I picked you (M$ Word doc file):
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

            Pooley these over - both are pretty horny, so take some care
            clicking on them:

Tiger's distraction - XXX rated (M$ Powerpoint slideshow):
 Click here
Why Gilligan didn't wanna leave the island - XXX rated (animated BMP):
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

            And a few from Burnout this week too ...

A Whyatt collection:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Serve these chillies with your next meal:
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

            Again from South Africa, this one from Eric - it's ...

Darth Vader meets the Japanese:
 Click here
                            ----------------------------

            And from Kevin VK3ZI - as we age, we get ...

Heavier - but why? Click here
                            ----------------------------

            VK6 is also represented this week with this one from Rudolph:

An explanation of women's bottoms:
 Click here
                          ----------------------------


                                A FEW AUDIO BYTES ...

       Last week, we had part 1 of the CBC 2005 Massey lectures by Stephen
       Lewis, with his detailed background on the shocking problems that
       plague Africa at the present time.  I couldn't get part 2 (AIDS),
       but I have managed to get a copy of part 3 (Education).  It's just
       as much of an eye-opener as part 1.  As usual - turn off the lights,
       put your feet up on another chair (or the table), and prepare to be
       shocked:

STEPHEN LEWIS ON AFRICA: EDUCATION FOR THE KIDS - NOT:
 Click here


                                  SILLY OLD SONGS

       Nothing much else this week in the audio bytes department - although
       I am running off some old vinyl singles for Kevin (3ZI) at the moment
       that one or two of you may find interesting and/or amusing.  They're
       just old songs that (probably) never made it to CD (although they
       will in a week or so :-)   This first one's probably only of interest
       to people in Melbourne (Oz) since it refers to the local mountain
       range here.  Anyway ... who remembers these ...?

Riding Through the Dandenong Ranges by Maximum Load (MP3):
 Click here
Theme from Mash - Suicide is painless, by Kerry and the small town singers
(MP3): Click here
In the mood - The Henhouse 5 plus 2 (MP3):
 Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to South Africa once more and this one from Eric's tree:
                          ----------------------------

                                    ODD-SPOTS

Too much VIAGRA killed the dictator
Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha, died at his residence in Abuja of a heart
attack, rumored to have been caused by the ingestion of large quantities of
the drug VIAGRA as a prelude to an orgy. (1998)


The Jockey died but the Horse kept going... and WON!
Frank Hayes, jockey, suffered a heart attack during a horse race. The horse,
Sweet Kiss, went on to finish first, making Hayes the only deceased jockey
to win a race. (1953)


Teenager killed by a MiG-23 fighter jet
A Belgian teenager was killed by a crashing soviet MiG-23 fighter jet, which
escaped from Poland on autopilot after the crew ejected over a false engine
failure alarm. (1989)


Killed and eaten by a classmate
A 25-year-old Dutch woman studying in Paris, Rene' Hartevelt, was killed and
eaten by a classmate, Issei Sagawa, when he invited her to dinner for a
literary conversation. The killer was declared unfit to stand trial and
extradited back to Japan, where he was released from custody within fifteen
months. (1981)


Prince of Nepal didn't like his Royal Family
On June 1, Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal, enraged from a dispute over his
marriage arrangements (and possibly intoxicated), reportedly went on a
rampage at dinner and massacred nearly the entire Royal Family, including
his father the king. But in accordance with custom and tradition, Dipendra,
then in a coma due to wounds sustained either from palace guards or a
botched suicide attempt, became king for three days before dying on June 4.
He was succeeded by his uncle, whose son mysteriously survived the massacre
unscathed. (2001)


Don't F*CK the animals you freak!
Kenneth Pinyan an Enumclaw, Seattle WA. man, died of acute peritonitis after
submitting to anal intercourse with a stallion. The man had done this
before, though apparently this time his partner was a little too keen, and
delayed several hours to visit hospital wishing to avoid official
cognisance. The case may lead to the criminalization of bestiality in
Washington. (2005)


Decapitated by a helicopter blade
Vic Morrow, actor, was decapitated by helicopter blade during filming of
"Twilight Zone: The Movie" and was killed instantly, along with two child
actors Myca Dinh Le and Renee Shin-Yi Chen. (1982)


Distracted by his wife, in the middle of World War I
Francois Faber, Luxembourgean Tour de France winner, died in a trench on the
western front of World War I. He received a telegram saying his wife had
given birth to a daughter. He cheered, giving away his position, and was
shot by a German sniper (1915).


The politician shot himself during a TV conference
R. Budd Dwyer, a Republican politician, committed suicide during a televised
press conference. Facing a potential 55-year jail sentence for alleged
involvement in a conspiracy, Dwyer shot himself in the head with a revolver.
(1987)


Assassinated with an Umbrella
Georgi Markov, a Bulgarian dissident, was assassinated by poisoning in
London by an unknown assailant who shot him in the leg with a specially
modified umbrella that fired a metal pellet with a small cavity full of
ricin poison. (1978)


Brandon Lee and the magic bullet
Brandon Lee, the son of Bruce Lee, was shot and killed by a prop .44
Magnum while filming the movie The Crow. The scene involved the firing of
a full-powder blank (full charge of gunpowder, but no bullet) at Brandon's
character. However, unknown to the film crew/firearms technician, a bullet
was already lodged in the barrel. (1993)


He swallowed a toothpick on a party
Sherwood Anderson, writer, swallowed a toothpick at a party and then died of
peritonitis. (1941)


A foil pierced his eyeball and entered his brain
Vladimir Smirnov, an Olympic champion fencer, died of brain damage nine days
after his opponent's foil snapped during a match, pierced his eyeball and
entered his brain. (1982)


Jack Daniel's much needed Anger Management
Jack Daniel, founder of the famous Tennessee whiskey distillery, died of
blood poisoning due to a toe injury he received after kicking his safe in
anger when he could not remember its combination code. (1911)


Decaptitated by his car's drive chain, but it was worth it!
J.G. Parry-Thomas, a British racing driver, was decaptitated by his car's
drive chain which, under duress, snapped and whipped into the cockpit. He
was attempting to break his own Land speed record which he had set the
previous year. Incredibly enough, despite being killed in the attempt, he
succeeded in setting a new record of 171mph. (1927)


A homeless man killed to collect his life insurance
Michael Malloy, a homeless man, was murdered by gassing after surviving
multiple poisonings, intentional exposure, and being struck by a car. Malloy
was murdered by five men in a plot to collect on life insurance policies
they'd purchased. (1933)


4 Weeks without water on the Libyan Desert
Lady be Good, a USAAF B-24 bomber lost its way and crash landed in the
Libyan Desert. The Mummified remains of its crew, who struggled for a week
without water, were not found until 1960. (1943)


The right song for his last performance
Famed baritone Leonard Warren collapsed on the stage of the New York
Metropolitan Opera of a massive stroke during a performance of "La forza del
destino" (The force of destiny). (1960)


Apollo 1's deadly training exercise
A flash fire began in the pure oxygen atmosphere inside the unlaunched
Apollo 1 spacecraft, killing its crew during a training exercise. (1967)


The Prime Minister can't swim
Harold Holt, the serving Prime Minister of Australia, vanished while
swimming on a beach near Melbourne. His body was never found. (1967)


"Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?"
Jerome Irving Rodale, an American pioneer of organic farming, died of a
heart attack while being interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show. When he
appeared to fall asleep, Cavett quipped "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?".
The show was never broadcast. (1971)


And this is Live News...
Christine Chubbuck, an American television news reporter committed suicide
during a live broadcast on July 15th. At 9:38 AM, 8 minutes into her talk
show, on WXLT-TV in Sarasota, Florida, she drew out a revolver and shot
herself in the head. (1974)


Not a good entrance for this WWF Wrestler
Owen Hart, WWF (now WWE) wrestler, died when he fell 78 feet while being
lowered into the ring by a cable from the stadium rafters before an upcoming
match. He had been scheduled to win the WWF Intercontinental Championship
that night. (1999)


Wasn't that just part of the act?
Tommy Cooper, British magician, died on stage at Her Majesty's Theatre
during a live television routine. Most of the audience and viewers believed
it was part of his act. (1984)


As you said: "Too bad you can only live so long"
Richard Versalle suffered a heart attack onstage at the New York
Metropolitan Opera after delivering the line "Too bad you can only live so
long" during a performance of The Makropulos Case. (1996)


Nasty weather for this environmentalist
American environmentalist Timothy Treadwell, self-proclaimed "eco-warrior"
that had lived in the wilderness among bears for thirteen summers in a
remote portion of Alaska, was killed and partially consumed along with his
girlfriend Amie Huguenard after they had been slated to leave due to the
impending harsh fall/winter in Alaska. The critically-acclaimed documentary
film Grizzly Man, directed by Werner Herzog, was released in 2005. (2003)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And a couple from Digi Maria ...

                             THE DYSLEXIC NURSE

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse
when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy
and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called
the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets things backward. I told her to give
Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 hours, but she gave him 24 shots
in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs.  Jones an
enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."

The doctor had barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out
of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the first doctor asked.

"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                               BEST INSURANCE

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center,
and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising
new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance
to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00
per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was
already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of
the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If
you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the
government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. Which will cost you an
additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary
$200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into
combat first?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              This quickie's from Stonefish ...

                     VE HAF GOOD NEWS AND VE HAF BAD NEWS

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".

The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that
blonde with the big breasts and the super tight arse, and legs that go all
the way up to heaven?"

The patient nods his head.

The doctor says, "Well, I'm fucking her!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          These are from a new contributor but I'm not sure of the name,
          so I'll just call you "Studio" (and as Davo is wont to say -
          you know who you are):

                          A BIKER IN A CLOCK SHOP

A Biker walks in to a clock shop and flops his cock out on the counter.

The lady behind the counter informs him that "This is a clock shop, not a
cock shop"

The biker replies, "Well, hows about you putting two hands and a face on
it then?"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

The teacher instructs the children to go home on the weekend and to observe
a situation that has a moral to it and to present their findings at show
and tell on Monday morning.

Monday morning arrives and little Susie is asked to make her presentation.

Well miss, on the weekend I went out to the chook shed and filled two baskets
with eggs, one basket had twelve eggs and the other had fifteen.  I put the
eggs into the incubator and from the first basket ten eggs hatched and from
the second only five.

"That's very good," says the teacher, "and what's the moral to this story?"

"Don't count all your chickens before they hatch"

"Very good" says the teacher.

"Okay Johnny, now it's your turn.

"Well miss on the weekend me old man is fighting in Iraq and is stuck in a
bombed out building with his rifle, bayonet, six bullets, a bottle of Jack
Daniels and eighteen towel heads about to cut his head off. He skulls the
bottle of Jack, shoots six of them, stabs six with his bayonet and clubs
the rest to death with the but of his rifle."

"I"m horrified" says the teacher. "Where is the moral in this story?"

"Simple miss, don't fuck with me old man when he's on the" piss.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


What do you call a female clown?

A Clunt.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                 Now for another quickie from Burnout ...

                         THE BLONDE AT THE MOVIES

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do,
because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start,
a blonde from the centre of our row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little
impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Mobile Phone, Please'
message just flashed up on the screen and mine's in the car!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


               And finally for this week, one from Whizzbang:

                               TAKING THE PISS

There are rumours that Anthony Mundine's performance at his recent world
title fight was drug assisted.  Apparently "The Man" did not provide a urine
sample after the fight.

It has also been revealed that he has in fact never provided a Urine sample
during his entire sporting career (NRL or BOXING).

A spokesman for Mundine has stated that the boxer is protected by Commonwealth
and International law, which makes it illegal to take the piss out of
aboriginals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

 Previous (April 14, 2006)  Index Next (April 28, 2006)