Friday humour - April 14, 2006

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         And gidday on this - yet another Good Friday,
     Quite a few people sent in comments re that date thingee last week that
     Eric passed on, ie: " On Wednesday (...) at two minutes and three seconds
     after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03, 04/05/06.
     That won't ever happen again in our lifetimes."  David Tiley was first
     off the mark:

     "As someone pointed out on my blog - Click here - the numbers thing is wrong.

     A) the date for us is in May, and our system of naming dates is better
     than the americans. And
     B) it happens again in 2106 - it is a century thing."

     Greg Burke had a similar comment.  And the Monk added:
     "Makes me think back a few years or so when it was 1234567890
     ie: 12:34:56 7/8/90 (12:34 and 56 seconds on 7 August 90)"

     Just before we hit the humour, a few interesting links - articles you
     may find interesting:

     Get ready for 24-hour living (wake-up pills are on the way): Click here

     And if you're one of those people who are perpetually sleeping-in and
     late for work, those habits may be in your favour: Click here

     We've received a bumper collection of material in the multimedia
     department again this week (see about halfway down), but for those
     who prefer their humour to be a little more subtle, let's start off
     with the type-written stuff as we normally do.  This first one's from
     Jurgen (who works in a certain country's defence department) ...


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section
of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more.

Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before,
she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose,
then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard
of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

       And from Stonefish, this dreadfully insulting (to us men) song:

                           EVERY MALE'S NIGHTMARE
                             (One for the women)

Clear your throat and sing out loud! I dare ya...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified..
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many yrs just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on.

But there you are, Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry,
I should have known that it was bullsh*t, Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go, Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out,
Don't you know we' re only joking when we say size doesn't count.

I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex, I will survive,
I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud,
But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,
Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching Gladstone run nude hash,
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me.

Go on now go, Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick Dip it in tomato sauce.

Go on now go, Get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance,
Cos I know it's length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny tockley at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.

        Over to CUB now and this one from John the K, who got it off "Sarge"
        at bottling line B1, of course ...


It's more important to look good than to be good. Non-matching furniture is
a show-stopper. Untrained troops are not a show-stopper.

A unit that has no money for new computers or spare parts will still manage
to afford a big-screen TV for Powerpoint slide shows.

A bad plan with good slides is better than a good plan with bad slides.

Three sergeants thinking about an issue dealing with their ECN for four
months and coming up with a detailed plan, is not as good as a colonel who
knows nothing about their ECN or the problem thinking about it for 30 seconds.

When you achieve high rank, the difference between what you know and what
you feel fades away.

A year's hard work by the troops can be destroyed because of some minor
incident that happened to the Major when he was a lieutenant.

Officers sit around thinking a lot. In a vacuum. This is not a good thing.

Officers think they're businessmen. They think the principles used in
business, like "corporate vision" and "TQM" can work in the Army. This is
because officers spend a lot of time trying to sell things, usually grand
ideas and catchy names.

Officers believe that a plan won't succeed unless it has a good name, like
"Operation Intrinsic Action." NCOs would rather give it something simple,
like "Operation Smack Their fu_king Heads In 5," and get on with it.

Officers really do believe that a soldier is happier when he's busy, even
if he's not doing what's important. NCOs know that nothing is so useless as
doing well something which should not be done at all.

There are a lot of officers out there who would have been better as NCOs,
and a lot of NCOs who would have been better as officers.

NCOs NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES refer to other soldiers as "customers."

Creating a twenty-minute slide show that makes the commander look good will
get you the same medal as working your ar_e off for 12 months for the same


                               IF I WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it
in on a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out
of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and
bump into things even in the best weather.

I don't start as easily when its cold, either. Battery isn't cranking as
strong. Tend to overheat more easily when its hot. Radiator pump not pumping
as strong.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it - - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!

       And just before the pics and things, this one from Digi Maria:

                                A RURAL JOKE

A field mouse set out across the paddocks to visit her boyfriend, dressed
in her best dress and bonnet.

She heard a loud noise and started to run, but it was too late.

The harvester picked her up - spat her out.

When she finally arrived at the boyfriends house all tattered and torn -
he was shocked.

"What happened to you?"

Her reply: "I've been reaped, I've been reaped"!!!


                                  DA PICS

        Another great collection of pics and flicks this week (you guys
        really amaze me lately) - and I think they're almost all clean
        ones for a change.  First up, one from Russell Wallah at CSIRO IT who
        found this and added the comment "Just think if we'd been outsourced
        to EDS - this could have been us" ...

Cat Herding: Click here

        Tree-borne Eric has again descended through the branches just long
        enough to post this: "The Lemon Festival in Menton-- a town located
        on the coast of the French-Italian border.  Made from lemons, oranges,
        grapefruits, and limes" ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

An angel for the girls: Click here

       Tim passed this classic on, with the comment "Afternoon!  I would like
       to pass some material from a friend who doesn't like Centrelink very
       much. No mention of my company name in tomorrows listing would be much
       appreciated.  Your website is great, I spend many hours reading it...

Stonerlink: Click here

       James the Powell found this classic this arvo:

Yet another flash stick: Click here

       Maayan managed to find these after arriving back in Obs, in spite of
       being robbed yet again and losing everything - batphone, passport,
       credit card, money, camera, sunglasses, the lot ... 2nd time in 2
       months, so a fantastic effort by her:

Classic Marcel Cohen photos (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
A frog or a horse?  Click here
Another gag video (M$ WMV video clip): Click here

       And from Captain Ron (who decided *not* to go down with the good
       ship CSIRO), we received these:

Where's my wife (M$ WMV video): Click here
Count the little men (a repeat, but hey - what's the trick?): Click here

       Here's another classic Burnout collection for you:

Don't argue: Click here
Copier gag (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Never dress up as a Llama! (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
A truly refreshing dip! (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
How to tell if you're flying over Africa: Click here
Sack race: Click here
Anti-theft device: Click here
Australian tourism stamp: Click here
Blonde in traffic (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here

       This one was sent in by Muse, Len and Ron:

New secretary (M$ WMV video clip): Click here

       And from Pooley, this collection:

Why Dubai? (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here
More classic photography (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here
Soppy thingee but some will love it (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here

       Muse (land of the maple leaf) has been busy this week too:

Vintage women (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here
The new guy in prison (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
This one comes with the monkey (M$ WMV video clip): Click here

       And from Digi Maria:

New Listerine ads: Click here Click here Click here

And some more amazing pavement art: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Clumsy (MPEG movie clip): Click here
Equally clumsy (M$ WMV video clip): Click here

       Croydon Caz sent lotsa stuff, but first up, this plug - "This website
       is my sister's - she is a budding artist - if you had a bit of space -
       maybe?  please?" Click here

       Plus "Europe ... don't ya just love it?  Not sure I should be promoting
       this kind of thing ... but hey .. it's funny!"
Original site Click here or for a full screen version: Click here

The joke is in the bag: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
A world for women (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here
Wake up! (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Hypnotised sex (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Omid from Iran (M$ WMV video clip - BIG - 23Mb): Click here

     One from Sue and Bernie - IKEA interview: Click here

     And from Jakub - meat eaters (MPEG movie clip): Click here

       Biggus posted these over (cupla repeats, but what the heck):

Good to know: Click here
Head of State: Click here
Hours: Click here
Hammer time: Click here
Naughty Tigger: Click here

       This one from Trevor neatly summarises the current situation in
       Cape Town, SA (well, Observatory in particular): Click here

       Whizzbang passed these on:
Accidents Plus (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Chick 'em (M$ WMV video clip): Click here

       And from Stonefish, we received these:
Stick people (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here
Tatooed elderly lady, slightly X-rated (M$ Powerpoint slideshow): Click here
Frog joke in the cricket commentary (MP3 audio): Click here
Perving is really *good* for you: Click here Click here

      These classic ads were passed on by MikeW:

The nuts (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Hard shoulder (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Fly over (M$ WMV video clip): Click here

   From JJ - "So if you take the fun out, do you just Chew Shit?" Click here

                         AND FINALLY SOME AUDIO BYTES

     I dug these up from Radio National in Oz.  They're on the ABC web site
     but they're encoded in RealAudio so 99% of people will never get to hear
     them, of course (no-one in their right mind allows RealAudio to be
     installed on their PC these days).

     So, as usual, it's classic radio listening where you have to lie back,
     turn off the lights, put your feet up, relax, and enjoy.  First one is
     some classic Robert Fisk background on the Middle East - in particular,
     Palestine and Israel.  If you're at all interested in the big picture
     there, you'll appreciate this one:

ROBERT FISK ON THE MIDDLE EAST (MP3 audio, 12Mb, 55 mins): Click here

     Next one is a shocking expose' on Africa and it's problems.
     Unfortunately, only part one is available online - you have to pay the
     CBC money if you want to hear the rest.  Stephen Lewis seems to be a
     one-man army - one quote from his HIV/AIDS lecture: "I visited some
     Zambian women, all living with the virus and looking after orphans,
     standing proudly beside a bountiful cabbage patch. When I asked what
     they did with the profits, they replied, 'We buy coffins.' Has the
     world gone mad?" Part one concentrates on Africa's economic problems:

WHY IS aFRICA IN SUCH A MESS? (MP3 audio, 12Mb, 55 mins): Click here
For more background, see Stephen's web site - Click here

     And as a pure indulgence to our Melbourne (Oz) readers, this is the
     history of a Melbourne icon for the past 100 years - none other than ...

WHELAN THE WRECKER (MP3 audio, 19Mb, 55 mins): Click here

       Back to da written stuff now and this one from an occasional but
       long standing contributor in the form of one Steph Crocker, with
       the comment "This joke, although funny and verrrrrry tasteless, must
       be read with a thick middle-eastern accent, whichever culture's accent
       is fresh in your mind.  I do not want hatemail.  With that said:"

                              POLITICALLY INCORRECT

So, there are these two Paki's in a kitchen of their family owned restaurant
and the father says to the son,

"Son, we are out of flour. Would you go to the back and get the big bag
of flour."  More of an order than a request, really.  Being a respectful
son, he goes into the back and reaches up to the top shelf where sits the
big back of flour - and CRASH! It falls all over him covering him in flour.
He sulks out back into the kitchen and his father takes one look at him and
says frantically,

"Son! What has happened to you?!"

He replies,"I went to the back to get the big bag of flour, and I go to
reach up for it, and it falls on my head and now I am covered in flour!"

The father understandingly says, "Oh Son, I will get someone to cover your
shift, go shower and take the day off to rest."  The son nods, thanking his
father for his compassion and leaves the store.  He gets one meter out of
the store when he sees a cousin rushing up to him,

"Cousin! What has happened to you?!"

"I went to the back to get the big bag of flour for my father but I couldn't
reach it so I stretched and tipped it a little and it fell all over me,
now I am covered in flour - so father has let me go home."

"Oh my, cousin - I understand.  I will cover your shift for you, go home
and get rinsed off."  And off goes the cousin into the shop.

And so the young man continues his journey home.  He gets another 30 meters
when another cousin comes along,

"Cousin! What has happened to you?!"

"I went to the back to get the big bag of flour for my father, I stretched and
tipped, fell all over me, now I am covered in flour - so now I am going home."

"Oh my cousin, well I understand.  I will go see if they need any more help
at the shop, you hurry home." And off goes the cousin.

Once again the young man sets off home all the while covered in flour.
He gets another 20 meters or so and another cousin pulls up beside him,

"Cousin! What has happened to you?!"

"I went to the back to get the big bag of flour, it has fallen on my head,
I am covered in flour - so now I must go home."

"Oh I understand cousin, I will come to see you later when you are clean."
And off drives the cousin.

The young man sets off again hurrying his pace when along comes another
fucking cousin. He's about 20 meters from his front door and all he wants
to do is get rid of this flour that is covering every inch of his body,

"Hey Cousin! What has happened to you?!"  "Went to the back - big bag of flour,
falls on my head, I am OBVIOUSLY covered in flour - now I must go home."
He doesn't even stop to talk and just walks on by his cousin.

"I understand cousin -" And off fades the cousin.  Our young man is 5 meters
from his home and another FUCKING cousin is running up to him.

"Hey Cousin! What has hap-"

He speeds though his explanation.

"Shop - flour - fall - head - covered - shower - home!!!" All the while not
slowing down at all.  All he wants is a nice warm shower to rinse himself
of this powder.

The young man is at the sidewalk of his parents' home and out walks the

"Cousin! What has happened to you?!"


  -- Stephanie

  In the beginning the universe was created. This had made alot of people very
  angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.

        Okay, this one from Burnout's been on before - but it's a classic:

                               LITTLE JOHNNIE

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.  When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's
family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so
much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the
word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When looked in the
crib, he said ",What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you,
Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, and,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he  see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision.

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses

        And one from Maayan, now back in her beloved Obs (Cape Town):

                            GOOD OLD DUNNY WISDOM

                           Friends don't let friends
                              take home ugly women

                           Someplace Else - Brisbane

                      Beauty is only a light switch away.
                                  Ergon Energy

                          If life is a waste of time,
                          and time is a waste of life,
                       then let's all get wasted together
                        and have the time of our lives.
                              Pizza Hut - Taigumx

                              Remember, it's not,
                              "How high are you?"
                               "Hi, how are you?"
                              Nimbin Health Centre

                           Fighting for peace is like
                            screwing for virginity.
                                 Cleo Magazine

                         No matter how good she looks,
                        some other guy is sick and tired
                          of putting up with her shit.
                                   Men's Room
                                   Gold Coast

                              At the feast of ego
                            everyone leaves hungry.
                            Sizzlers - Mt. Gravatt.

                          It's hard to make a comeback
                        when you haven't been anywhere.
                              Written in the dust
                             on the back of a bus,
                                 Alice Springs

                              Make love, not war.
                                 -Hell, do both
                                  GET MARRIED!
                                Women's restroom
                                  Garden City.

                     If voting could really change things,
                              it would be illegal.
                         Q.B.D. Bookshop, Garden City.

                           If pro is opposite of con,
                     then what is the opposite of progress?
                                 Men's restroom
                       House of Representatives, Canberra

                                 Express Lane:
                               Five beers or less
                          Sign over one of the urinals
                               "The Paddo Tavern"

                            You're too good for him.
                      Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
                                 The Chancellor

                      No wonder you always go home alone.
                      Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
                             Mobil Servo Burpengary

                            A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
                         If it has tyres or testicles,
                     you're going to have trouble with it.
                             Women's Restroom Inala

          And from Sue over at Swinburne, we just received this ...

                                  IRISH JOKE

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when
suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,
snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both
collapsed in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are
starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she
allowed the kinky bastard to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I've ever seen.

         Stonefish passed this one on - there's one or two repeats in
         there (I think they're mostly Stephen Wright quotes ... must
         have a re-run on his stuff soon too):

                        SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when a Bakery Boy bends over?

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Gympie schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does a Maryborough family go on vacation?
A different pub.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a Queensland zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and
forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits
by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

       And finally, this contribution from Fifi aka Biggus aka McCallum
       (so come on, wake up Lee!):

                           DENTISTS DO IT WITH ....

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go
to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied. "You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How
did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"
[ End Friday humour ]

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